She can't remember me visiting...

[Dementiadaughter]

Sorry couldn't think how to word the title!

My lovely mum who has early onset dementia/Alzheimer's is now at the stage she can't remember me visiting, I see her once or twice a week. So she's upset because "I haven't seen you in ages" but she saw me 2 days ago but can't remember that.

Any advice?

My mum can't remember who or when they visited. She's generally pleased to see me. I would suggest going along with her. Apologise and tell her work has been awful or something like that. Go into her world as she can no longer go into yours. There's no point in getting annoyed because she genuinely can't remember.

As lady Macbeth has said. You have to just accept her version of the world and embrace it./step into her new world. Make up a plausible excuse and move the conversation forward to something else. Unfortunately you just have to swallow your own feelings about it. I would suggest that now is a very good time to take up a sport / gym or plate smashing as a way of venting your frustration.

(Crockery smashing was my preferred option and the charity shop got rid of a lot of crockery which then went in my garden pots for drainage! )

@Dementiadaughter sorry that you are going through this, it’s very hard isn’t it? I’d also second the advice to go with the flow of the conversation, there is no point trying to persuade her otherwise, you’ll only upset yourself. Is she still at home OP? How much support is in place for both of you?

The best advice I was ever given was to just play along. So 'sorry mum, work has been busy, I'm here now shall we have a cup of tea?'

All you can do is distract. My grandparent had someone visiting at least daily but always declared to everyone no one visits. Just questions about how much you love something special to them (clothing, jewellery, soft toy, doll etc), how nice it is etc. Stick to something in front of them, asking how X event was last week may upset her if she doesn't remember it.

I'm sorry I'm not an expert so don't want to give wrong advice...but I'm wondering if you could buy or make some sort of calendar and maybe mark down the day you visited with a little message for her to keep by her bed.

I agree. It's better to just apologise and move on. Unfortunately, it will only get worse. I don't even tell my nan who I am anymore. I'm just a nice lady popping in for a chat now.

Just go with it, there is nothing you can do. I was once going in as a family member was leaving but was still told they had seen no one for weeks. It’s just how it goes, don't let it upset you.

We did that with my nan but she forgot where the calendar was and would get angry when we showed her it.

There is nothing you can do about it. An elderly relative of mine completely lost their short term memory. We took them out of the care home for a party to celebrate their 90th birthday. The whole family was there. They had a lovely time. The next day a sibling visited them in the care home and was told ‘I don’t see much of my family these days!’

Yes I did wonder if it was the sort of idea that could end up backfiring....very sad and tricky situation.

With dementia, the events lose their frame of reference.
The events are just floating as such.

For the normal person when we say 'tomorrow' we are placing that on a framework and we can go backwards and forwards in our minds.

The person with dementia has lost that skill and has no framework.

So words like yesterday, next week etc become meaningless.
But that might not be apparent to the listener.

They have their lunch. But that is free floating event that disappears as soon as it's over.

You might also hear them placing themselves in the wrong place at the wrong age.

It's a case of just having the person they are in the present.

The best advice has already been said and that's you have to adjust to living in the moment.

Talking about the here and now (though sometimes very old important memories stick with the person longer so be prepared for conversations referencing events from 30 years ago as if they were current).

You do have to learn to go with the flow and sometimes outright lie (kindly) - for example "where am I? Why have you brought me here?". For my DH's GF telling the truth he was in a specialist dementia care home would be very upsetting. Saying we were visiting him on holiday in his nice hotel was very exciting to him (until we left and he forgot the visit entirely and eventually who his family was).

We found it often helped to bring something to talk about to provide some focus. For an example a vintage car magazine (an old hobby) and flick through it together and talk about the cars.

Thanks all I'm so very tired 😞 i just want my mum back. And this is meant to be the mild stage 😞

Yes, We used to look at bird books and I'd take magazines which featured the Royal Family, mum always loved them and chat about the dresses etc.We would flick through old family photos and occasionally she would remember a holiday. Then I'd go home and feel the sadness but try and tell myself that she did all the things in the photos and had a full and mostly happy life. It's very hard and I feel for any one going through it.

It’s rubbish. You can only try and manage your own feelings about it, but it’s hard to grieve the loss of your mum as you knew her when there’s a new version of mum who needs looking after. Soon you’ll wish you had this current version of mum back. I fucking hate dementia.

Is ' I've missed you too , Mum' a possibility for a reply?

I feel for you OP. My mother is getting similar. This thread is useful, thank you!

It's so sad but true. My Mum was an only child and looked after my Nan at her house for 8 years until after my Dad died and my Mum could no longer lift her on her own so she had to go into a home. My Mum visited her daily for at least 2 hours every afternoon. At the end my Nan called her nurse and was clueless as to who she was. Dementia is such a cruel illness.

It is very difficult to visit parents with this condition but you need to be aware that even if they don’t recognise you or remember you visiting, they are left with a good feeling that something nice happened.

My mum doesn't remember that my best friend died last year. Only once did I remind her that she had died. Mum was devastated and I swore I wouldn't put her through it again. Now when she asks, I just say "she's just the same, mum." Which isn't technically a lie. It's hard for you. My sympathies

This.

It addresses the issue- she's missed you- not the facts.

Let's have a lovely visit and a catch up now I'm here.

I've started taking photos of us when I visit and printing them out. Mum has a little album and likes to look through them with staff between visits so she can see we went into the garden or out for coffee or did a jigsaw etc. This only works because mum is ok with photos of herself as an old lady so may not work for all.

But to be honest most older folk with or without dementia trot out the 'I never see anyone' line and other visitors, carers etc don't take it seriously.

My DH's Mum described her father's dementia as "pre passing grief" or "extended mourning".

It is so tough x

With dementia, the events lose their frame of reference.
The events are just floating as such.

For the normal person when we say 'tomorrow' we are placing that on a framework and we can go backwards and forwards in our minds.

The person with dementia has lost that skill and has no framework.

So words like yesterday, next week etc become meaningless.
But that might not be apparent to the listener.

They have their lunch. But that is free floating event that disappears as soon as it's over.

You might also hear them placing themselves in the wrong place at the wrong age.

It's a case of just having the person they are in the present. Lucy377

Wow this made so much sense
Im having the same.
My mum lives alone has early onset dementia.
She says ppl are in her house and there not

Or saying I've told the kids to go home but they just sit there then when i walk out they have gone.
She don't remember places i taken her. Gets very confused easily.

Like you i just want my old mum back.
Ive had a cry but i realise I've only a limited time left now so while she still with me and remembers me I want to make memory's and make the most of this precious time we have together