Repeatedly asking after the second child that I don't have

[StrongLegs]

Hi,

I wondered if I could ask for advice on how to handle it when my Mum asks how my second child, "the wee one" is, when she has just forgotten that I don't have a second child?

When I was a child my Mum always referred to me as "the wee one" and so when she asks "how's the wee one?" now, I know that she is thinking of me, and assuming that I now have a "wee one" myself. I don't actually have a second child, so it is hard to know what to say.

She asks the question with such fondness, and then when no good answer comes out I can see that she is really worried.

Should I explain over and over again that I don't have a second child, or should I tell her that I myself an "the wee one" and that I am grown up?

I'm a bit stumped.

I realise that, realistically, this phase may not last long, but it would just be helpful to know what to say. My Mum has no diagnosis except mild cognitive impairment.

Thanks!

I get this with my nan. She’ll ask how little Dani is and I have to tell her I’m all grown up now. Of course she’ll ask the next time too.

It’s comforting as there are some things she can remember but also hard as she doesn’t really know who I am

Thanks, that's really a relief to know that it's not just us.

You say that they're fine and don't try to correct her. It'll just make her more confused.

I know it's hard OP. I've been dealing with this for a long time. I answer the question and try to gently move on to something else.

This

You just have to go along with it. We had conversations with my mother where my dead aunt was living the life of Riley, because my mother couldn’t remember that she’d died and got so upset each time we told her that in the end we just made up stuff about what Auntie Jean was doing.

Yes, we would just say ‘he/she is fine’ as my Gran would find that reassuring. Her face would look delighted when we said that 😊 As @Lookd said, then guide the conversation elsewhere.

Honestly I think I'd just say "they're doing really well". I'm not sure trying to decifer who she is talking about and correcting her has much to be gained.

It’s hard, but it’s best just to go along with it, otherwise they get too confused.

My Fil told everyone that I’d left his son who’d remarried and now had eight children -astonishing how many people called my husband about this! I stopped visiting as he really believed this and became quite agitated when I was there.

Thanks, that's really good to know.

I kind of did think it was probably best not to explain, as I think it would be too confusing.

I suppose the thing to say is "everybody's fine" which is truthful, without being specific.

Don't correct or give many details. She is doing great and is playing with friends today or at the park etc.

My MiL does not know anyone anymore, we just go with the flow, if she asks after people, usually long dead, we just say things like oh you know how they are, nothing changes. She will often tell us a few historical stories, which she thinks are recent. Just go with it.

I would make a very brief positive response like “they’re great” and then move the conversation onto something else.

I saw a woman in a dementia care home when I was visiting who believed she was shopping and had gotten lost from her parents. She approached one of the uniformed staff to ask for help finding them and he took her by the hand so reassuringly and kindly and said “of course I’ll help you, shall we go and have a biscuit?” And he led her off into the cafeteria section.

And I thought, if I get dementia, I’d like to be treated like that.

If she asks, "how is Jane?" Say "she's fine." Don't say, "everyone is fine."

This will make her stressed and lead to more questions that you don't want to answer. :(

I know it feels like you're lying, but you're not, you're just making things easier for her and you're also letting her be where she is in her mind, which is the kindest thing to do.

Yes I see what you mean.

Is it any help if I ask her to tell me stories about "the wee one" or does that take me somewhere complicated?

Tell her she's doing great and change the subject. Our explanations only confuse them even more.

I think “happy and doing well”. How much she must love you “wee one”. Be as strong as you can for her.

Do you know if there is a guide or something online that I could read about how to talk to my Mum as things get worse? I really don't know anything about it and I feel as though the rubber is going to hit the road pretty soon.

I'm an ASD research scientist, and I really struggle with speaking anything other than the absolute truth. It would be a massive help if there was something I could read about how my Mum thinks now, what she needs from me, and how I can straighten it out in my own mind.

Thanks!

I'd let her speak about it if she wants to (without interrupting or correcting.)

But I also wouldn't ask any follow up questions. I'd try to change the subject in a breezy way. She will come back to it and probably ask the same thing again and again.

There are moments of clarity sometimes and that makes it harder (for both parties) but I wish you all the best, OP. You obviously care so much. There are many useful articles online too.

I have the book 'Contented Dementia' which I have found helpful.

My DM became very confused in the final weeks of her life, seeing long dead pets and thinking various people were trying to FaceTime her. I had no idea of how to cope with it. It sounds like you are all doing an amazing job.

What you understand to be the truth is not what your dm understands to be the truth. As far as she is concerned, you are not lying if you go along with her belief about 'the wee one'.

We don't always tell the full unadulterated truth when it would be too distressing for the hearer, or too complex for them to understand.

By accepting her version in this case, you are acting with compassion, respect and love.

Thank you very much, I have bought the 'Contented Dementia' book, and I will tell my Dad and brother about it too. Thanks :-)

In this instance I would think that as your DM thinks you are the wee one, then to tell her "the wee one is fine" is not a lie

Should I explain over and over again that I don't have a second child, or should I tell her that I myself an "the wee one" and that I am grown up?

I honestly don't think you'll get any benefit from either of these although you might get frustrated as she won't remember any explanations.

We had similar with DMIL. She asked after DH when we were there but she was thinking of her little boy.

We just smiled and said he was happy and playing at his friend's house. Then distracted her by talking about something else.

I think little white lies are very acceptable if it means that you're not distressing them or adding to the confusion

Just reply quickly "they are fine" . My Nan called me after my late cousin and it really hurt but I just went along with it because its no one's fault but the disease. My (young) brother stopped going because she called him after my husband (who was and is alive) and he took offence. He regrets it now she has gone and he is older and understands.