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Original poster

Repeatedly asking after the second child that I don't have

43 replies

StrongLegs · 26/05/2023 20:20

Hi,

I wondered if I could ask for advice on how to handle it when my Mum asks how my second child, "the wee one" is, when she has just forgotten that I don't have a second child?

When I was a child my Mum always referred to me as "the wee one" and so when she asks "how's the wee one?" now, I know that she is thinking of me, and assuming that I now have a "wee one" myself. I don't actually have a second child, so it is hard to know what to say.

She asks the question with such fondness, and then when no good answer comes out I can see that she is really worried.

Should I explain over and over again that I don't have a second child, or should I tell her that I myself an "the wee one" and that I am grown up?

I'm a bit stumped.

I realise that, realistically, this phase may not last long, but it would just be helpful to know what to say. My Mum has no diagnosis except mild cognitive impairment.

Thanks!

OP posts:
RoseRobot · 29/05/2023 09:16

She's talking about you, so answer her honestly. Tell her the wee one is absolutely fine and here's a big hug from her. Then change the subject.

There's no point in trying to get a dementia brain to work like a dementia-free brain. The point is to keep the loved one happy and calm despite the dementia. You can do that.

WashAsDelicates · 29/05/2023 09:37

This thread has been on my mind. In a good way. It brings back memories of love. And confusion, of course.

I took my dc to visit their great grandfather abroad. He had only met my dc1 as a newborn, and that had been several years previously. My aunt and his carer prepared him with photo albums, and by the week of our arrival he had grasped that we were coming. Apparently he sent my aunt and the carer out several times a day to buy us the sweets and snacks he remembered from my childhood. Their replies would always be "Yes, I'll get some when I do the shopping", even though they had already stocked the cupboard when he first requested it.

Despite this, when we arrived dgf was confused. Several times a day he asked me whether I was his daughter or his grand-daughter. He was sure his grandchildren were older than the children who were visiting.

Ultimately, it didn't matter. He was so happy to see us. He knew he loved us. The children accepted his confusion, just as they accepted his adoration and his treats and pennies.

I have a different combination of girls and boys to my mother, and often dgf would ask me or my dc about my brother or me, and we would just answer in whatever way seemed simpler, rather than more accurate. My toddlers' answers were nonsense, anyway.

I wonder whether your mum is going through similar confusion. Ultimately she is remembering her love for you. When she asks about ' the wee one' she is asking after you.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 29/05/2023 09:46

She's talking about you, so answer her honestly. Tell her the wee one is absolutely fine and here's a big hug from her. Then change the subject.

That's such a lovely way of dealing with it Wink

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/05/2023 09:54

'She's fine, she's gone to a party today, wearing a pretty dress and ribbons in her hair' (describe a dress you used to wear for parties/your mum loved).

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/05/2023 09:59

StrongLegs · 26/05/2023 20:57

Yes I see what you mean.

Is it any help if I ask her to tell me stories about "the wee one" or does that take me somewhere complicated?

It takes her to a lovely place where she sees her adored Wee One. And you see just how much she loves you.

mauveiscurious · 29/05/2023 14:37

My DM asked about "my sister", I had a illness and didn't know me so I was the sister. The "bad" one didn't visit. She knew who I was once in the final year of her dementia.

It's a horrible end

CatherinedeBourgh · 29/05/2023 14:46

A relative with dementia was asked if he knew who his wife of 60 years was.

He answered 'I don't know who she is, but I know I love her'.

Your mother may be confused about who you and your dc are, but she still feels the love. If you acknowledge the love and don't worry about the detail of who is who, you will be more able to relate to her the way she is seeing the world. Think of it as her truth is the emotion, and you need to say whatever works to communicate that emotion back.

helpfulperson · 29/05/2023 14:51

The bit that took me a while to get my head round was their ability to hold two contradictory thoughts in their mind at the same time. So she may well still be very clear on who you are and that you are her daughter with your own child but she also has memories of another child 'the wee one'. Not knowing exactly who this child is it makes sense to her that it would be your child.

TheSnowyOwl · 29/05/2023 14:53

When you are having a conversion with someone with dementia, it’s fine to lie and go along with what they remember and what makes them happy. It just causes distress otherwise and they won’t remember for next time.

If the wee one is you, then you are fine and doing well aren’t you? So just tell your mum that the wee one is fine and things are good, and will visit her very soon when you next go along to see her.

haggisaggis · 29/05/2023 14:56

@CatherinedeBourgh I agree absolutely. My dm by the end didn't know who I was but knew I was a friend so was happy to be with me. It's a horrid disease and the first time she did not recognise me was an awful day.

NewUserName2023 · 29/05/2023 15:01

We found it best just to go with the flow and not correct DUncle who has forgotten his wife of 65 years passed away 2 years ago. If he (rarely) asks after his late wife we say she's at work, or gone to the shops, or meeting a friend for coffee and will be back soon which soothes him. Repeatedly telling him the fact she's dead would just upset him and doesnt help keep him calm.

WhoWants2Know · 29/05/2023 15:04

StrongLegs · 26/05/2023 21:02

Do you know if there is a guide or something online that I could read about how to talk to my Mum as things get worse? I really don't know anything about it and I feel as though the rubber is going to hit the road pretty soon.

I'm an ASD research scientist, and I really struggle with speaking anything other than the absolute truth. It would be a massive help if there was something I could read about how my Mum thinks now, what she needs from me, and how I can straighten it out in my own mind.

Thanks!

The Alzheimer's Society has fact sheets that cover this kind of situation, and I think the one about "Changes in perception" is relevant.

You can also visit Dementia Talking Point, which is a forum like this one specifically for people with loved ones who have dementia

Wishiwasatailor · 29/05/2023 15:08

If you are on Instagram there is a big community of allied health professionals who make videos one I find especially helpful is adria on “belightcare” who has lots of insights on communicating with people who have Alzheimer’s

overitunderit · 29/05/2023 15:26

Could she be thinking of your first (only) child when she asks about the wee one but has forgotten that they are now grown up?

overitunderit · 29/05/2023 15:26

Or maybe it would just be easier for you to assume she's meaning your child and not a second child...perhaps they are always "wee" in her mind. She sees you and knows you have a child she cares about but is muddled about the age.

RoseRobot · 29/05/2023 15:50

@StrongLegs would it be useful to recognise that she is in a different form of reality from you and so your honest answers are the ones that reflect her reality or are emotionally rather than factually honest?

e.g. if she thinks you are her granny because she thinks she's three years old, and says 'Granny, can we have an ice cream?' you don't need to say, 'I'm not your granny,' just because it's the truth. It could really frighten and disorientate her. You could approach the truth in a different way. The 'truth' could be a truthful answer to 'Can we have an ice cream?' You sidestep her calling you granny and say, 'We can't have an ice cream right now because we're driving. If we could have an ice cream, what flavour would you like?' So, take a grain if truth from whatever she says and respons to it, then redirect her towards a conversation she might connect with that you can feel more comfortable continuing.

My mum, after my dad died, kept asking where he was. I told her the truth a few times and each time it was so upsetting for her, so after a while I 'truthfully' told her, 'You're out with me today. He's not around.' And then changed the subject.

IME, what matters most to people with dementia is your tone of voice. If you can can calmly, cheerfully say, 'Pete's not here today' (factually true) but not mention Pete died ten years ago then you can have a happy visit. But if you sound stressed or upset at having to answer, they;ll pick up on that and fret about it.

Decafflatteplease · 30/05/2023 11:22

In my limited experience we sidestep the issue and gently move on. In my experience my relative with dementia keeps asking if I'm pregnant and when we are going to have another child even though we aren't going to and it would be impossible and they were told all this before the bastard fucking dementia set in. So now I just make a non committal sort of answer and move on. So in your case I'd probably say something like the wee one is fine, oh isn't it lovely and sunny today.

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