Mother in law sizing up our box room?

[NewtonsCradle]

I think my brother and sister in law are scheming to have me become my mother in law's carer. DH and I live in a small house with our 7 month old baby and are planning at least one more baby in the next couple of years. DH has a stressful office job and I am a sahp (for the next 4 years). DH is 12 years younger than his brother (who works part time from home) his wife works part time and they have adult children who have moved out from their 4 bedroom home. DH and I have lived in our current house for 6 years and his brother has never visited. His mother visited once, none of them have met our baby yet. We live a couple of hours drive away, it isn't a massive journey but DH and his family barely speak and just aren't close. However MiL has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and ever since BiL has been phoning us to update us about MiL (he visited her once to complete power of attorney paperwork so he can control her estate). I am concerned that SiL and BiL are angling to have MiL come and live here. MiL rang recently to say how she wants to meet her GC... It's been 7 months without a visit or any interest but now she wants to come visit. BiL rang shortly afterwards to say how lovely it would be for us all to meet up here (again it's been 4 years without a visit and 7 months with a baby). Any advice on how to stop my DH from being guilted into having his mother become a full time resident in our box room?

[Fantina]

Nothing in what you have said indicates that anyone is planning that. And if it is suggested, just say no for the reasons you outline.

[ConcernedCatmother]

Crikey! Start mentioning horror stories from “colleagues” at work who have elderly parents living with them to get it into his subconscious that it’s a bad idea. Avoid the meet up and probably design something to go in the box room! A walk in wardrobe, get one fitted so it’s not easily reversible

[AmandaHoldensLips]

Head it off at the pass. Straight, direct talking that cannot be misinterpreted.

Let your DH extend an invitation for a visit if he wants to. His family, his arrangement.

If he arranges for them to come to visit, tell him, "I hope nobody's thinking that I'm going to become your mother's carer, because you know that's not going to happen, right?"

Leave absolutely no room for misunderstanding where you stand. And you might also mention that if your DH wants to give up work and become his mother's carer, then that's a different conversation.

[ChubbyMorticia]

Be blunt with your DH. You are not able or willing to be his mother’s caregiver.

[Aquamarine1029]

Now is not the time to tiptoe around the tulips, to be coy, or to hold your tongue.

You have a conversation right now about your suspicions and you make it absolutely crystal clear that his mother will never, ever move into your home and you will never, ever be her carer.

[Unexpecteddrivinginstructor]

Yes that would be great. We don't have any room to put any of you up, unfortunately the spare room is now a nursery but there are some nice Airbnb in town. Maybe over a weekend sometime as dh is out at work all week and NewtonsCradle is out a lot with mini NewtonsCradle.

[getafringenotbotox]

@Unexpecteddrivinginstructor

Yes that would be great. We don't have any room to put any of you up, unfortunately the spare room is now a nursery but there are some nice Airbnb in town. Maybe over a weekend sometime as dh is out at work all week and NewtonsCradle is out a lot with mini NewtonsCradle.

Yes this is perfect

[TinaYouFatLard]

I can’t see how on earth you’ve reached that conclusion. Perhaps the poor woman wants to meet her GC before her disease robs her of the opportunity.

[Unexpecteddrivinginstructor]

Oh and fill the box room with something. Maybe dh has to sometimes work at home in the office some evenings. Get SIL alone and confide in her that dh is doing some really long hours in and out of the office and you don't know how you will juggle it all when you need to go back to work due to cost of living crisis. Tell her how lucky she is that they can both afford to work part time. Be quite clear that you think that care is best left to experts.

[llamallama6384]

Nothing you have said gives the impression of you being her carer to be honest, you may be worrying for nothing.

Cross that bridge with a firm No if it comes to it.

Maybe mil is realising she may not have lots of time left and is trying to make up for it.

Bil seems to be taking charge of your mil, your DH clearly doesn't make any effort with his family so I would doubt they would want to move mil in with you anyway.

[NowZeusHasLainWithLeda]

As pp. Nothing you've said indicates that what you're imagining will happen.
Might be nice to let her see her grandchildren though. What does her son think about your opinion of his family?

[rwalker]

I confused there seems a massive jump from what’s been said and to what you are presuming

[Bearpawk]

I don't know how you've reached this conclusion .... perhaps they just know she nah not have long left and it's made them realise they're missing out on family moments ?

[hobbledyhoy]

It sounds to me that your BIL is doing the admin in good time to make sure all is in order for your MIL before the stress of care homes and having to go through the rigmarole of contesting the state who would by default be given the power to decide on outcomes for your MIL in terms of care and medical decisions, technically leaving the family and by proxy your MIL not able to decide or follow known wishes- so really, a dutiful and kind thing to do.

He is probably updating to make sure people are up to date and family aware, probably because he would hope others would update him in the same situation.

Your MIL is no doubt keenly aware that she will not have the same faculty and reasoning for long and wishes to see her son and her GC, I don't think that's hugely unreasonable or strange.

Nothing about anyone's actions makes me think your MIL is desperate to move into your box room.

[kingtamponthefurred]

Make it clear to your husband that you would not agree to his mother moving in and let him handle it from there. And if the poor lady does end up living with family, I hope she will have something slightly bigger than a box room to spend the rest of her life in.

[Coyoacan]

Nothing in what you have said indicates that anyone is planning that. And if it is suggested, just say no for the reasons you outline

This. I find it a bit sad that instead of wanting to show your baby off to your MIL while she is still able to understqand you are seeking to block contact

[NewtonsCradle]

@llamallama6384

Nothing you have said gives the impression of you being her carer to be honest, you may be worrying for nothing.

Cross that bridge with a firm No if it comes to it.

Maybe mil is realising she may not have lots of time left and is trying to make up for it.

Bil seems to be taking charge of your mil, your DH clearly doesn't make any effort with his family so I would doubt they would want to move mil in with you anyway.

DH was a child and had to look after his mother after his father died. She has alienated everyone in her family aside from her 2 sons and has no friends left due to her behaviour (not due to Alzheimer's it's been like this for decades). Dh's brother was nowhere in sight after their father died. DH moved away from her as soon as he could but he put in a lot of work with her for many many years, I'm not going to detail everything he did as I don't want to be identifiable but he has done more than anyone would expect. I would characterise him as burnt out.

[NewtonsCradle]

@Coyoacan

Nothing in what you have said indicates that anyone is planning that. And if it is suggested, just say no for the reasons you outline

This. I find it a bit sad that instead of wanting to show your baby off to your MIL while she is still able to understqand you are seeking to block contact

I should give you some more context. MiL asked to see a photo of GC 7 months ago, we got framed pictures and sent them to her. Her response was to tell DH that our baby didn't look like him.

[tailinthejam]

@NewtonsCradle

I should give you some more context. MiL asked to see a photo of GC 7 months ago, we got framed pictures and sent them to her. Her response was to tell DH that our baby didn't look like him.

That's the alzheimers talking, they can sometimes lose social filters early on and say crass things.

[Quitelikeit]

Op

maybe they want her money and assets to go to the son and not a care home

your husband is clearly vulnerable and weak where his family are concerned so if I was you I’d agree to this visit but I’d offer to travel elsewhere - say you don’t want to stress mil out - if they raise the possibility of her moving in then be firm but clear that there’s no room due to plans to increase family size

[fruitbrewhaha]

Alzheimer’s is really specialist care that the majority of people are not equips for. There’s not many families who keep their Alzheimer’s parents at home. She’ll need a care home, you need to say that if it comes up. But it may not.

[gogohmm]

I think you are jumping the gun. They are reaching out to make memories while she still has enough function to do so. She obviously hasn't been ok for a while because it takes months to get an Alzheimer's diagnosis.

[gogohmm]

Remember 7 months ago she had early stage Alzheimer's, being blunt and forgetting social niceties is a first symptom that can be easily missed, sometimes that stage lasts years

[Random789]

What a strange way of describing the situation - that your BIL and SIL are 'scheming' to have your MIL cared for by you in your home. As if they could make it happen just by planning it. As if you had no part in your own future.

At most their behaviour suggests that they might hope for this to happen and are trying to make some openings in that direction by improving your relationship with MIL. But nothing of significance can happen until you all actually talk about it, work out what's best and what you are each able and willing to do.

Unless you talk frankly about your concerns, the lack of transparency that you imply by the term 'scheming' will be as much present in your own reaction to the situation as it is in BIL's and SIL's. Is this your family dynamic in general - silence, supression and resentment?

[Snoken]

Even with your updates there is zero indication that this is what anybody is thinking will happen. Given how little time you spend together, why on earth would she want you to be her carer? Unless you are already trained to look after alzheimer patients of course, but that would be such a massive drip feed that it would be a waterfall.