Tips on getting mum into a care home

[Frustratedaughter]

My mum has severe dementia. Shes still living on her own but has carers, which she hates, coming into the home 4 times a day. As they do, she has deteriorated and she needs to go into a care home. I love her very much and it kills me to do it. But she's bored and I think shes scared at nights - although she wouldn't admit it.
I really have looked at every other alternative but she needs company and activities that she can join in with so she can enjoy her life, and not just exist, staring into the distance.

I've found a fantastic home for her. It feels just like a family home and not a care home. It never smells of wee or poo, they have activities going on and the staff don't seem to leave. But mum is so stubborn. The manager came to assess her and my mum was awful to her and she didn't even know it was to do with going into a home. People think dementia sufferers are stupid but they're not. She knew something was happening and she was horrible. The manager is dubious about taking her because of this negativity and keep saying no to everything.
Anyway, she's offered for mum to go for lunch and if they think they can handle her, they'll keep her but if she carries on being awful, we'll have to collect her and bring her home.

Does anyone who's been through this have any tips? Anything that w ,can do to keep her there for a few days to acclimatise. I've thought of saying it's just while I'm away, or a break for her, or work being done at the house. But she'll figure these out as lies, I think. Or won't care. Anyone got any suggestions or things that worked for them? Please. 🙏

I don't have any tips, but I'll bump the thread in the hope that somebody else does. We're in the same situation, except that MIL is in hospital and has been there for some months while they figure out what to do with her. DH worries that no care home would accept her. She's aggressive and nasty a lot of the time, and we can't even say it's not 'her', because it's more as if the dementia has removed the social inhibitions that were suppressing a great deal of that part of her personality.

A good care home suitable for advanced dementia will not mind her behaviour, they are used to it.

We told dgm she was going for a holiday but to be honest she hadn't a clue really where she was our even our names by that point. It was hardest on dgf but he couldn't cope and the domiciliary care agency had given us notice they couldn't cope with her any more

Slightly different to your situation but my Grandmother in her 90s needed a care home. I would drive daily to her home, prep her meals etc but she eventually fell, broke her hip and was hospitalised for months.
She was everything to me and it broke me having to know she would need a care home.
My priority was her happiness and I got her into a home less than 10 mins drive from me and on the way to the school run
I saw her 3 times a day.
I had her a mobile phone and she would call at night too to say “God Bless”
I also did her laundry as didn’t want her clothes labelled. It was a small way to show her I cared.
She didn’t want to go into the lounge ‘with the old people’ but loved seeing me - she passed away after 2 years but looking back (with a huge lump in my throat) I know she was safe and saw more of me than ever before
She was unaware that her council house was given back where she had been for over 60 years and raised her 2 daughters (one my mum)(both died before her )

I lied lots to her about mowing the grass there etc and would say that as soon as she was able to walk she would be home.

As I was there so often I built up a great relationship with the home and staff. They adored her wicked sense of humour
I miss her so much.

This sounds like a really tricky situation for you.
One possibility is to suggest a 'holiday' for your mum, tell her you are going away and alongside this she needs a break. She will forget, but it is a story to stick to. Then this can allow for a trial period of respite.

In my experience some older people do settle and then do really well in the right home. It is always sad when someone can't live at home anymore but rather than being the end of the line it can be a new chapter.

However sometimes people do need specialist dementia care in a home that is geared up for coping with this, and by this I mean a home that can care for older people whose behaviour can be more challenging. Then it can be a bit more of a journey to find the right home.

Good luck, you sound like a lovely caring daughter 💐

Thank you all for answering. It means a lot. I'm so upset about it all that it's making me ill. I've started waking up in the night with vertigo. I love her so much but even if I could cope with her at home, I honestly don't think it's the best situation for her. She's bored and needs friends and some stimulation which I just can't provide. I agree, @flowertoday , a new chapter. It's scary for her leaving what she knows, but what she could have, could be so much better if she could only accept it.

@DahliaMacNamara My mum can be nasty too but has always managed to cover it with politeness. As her dementia gets worse, it's much harder for her to control these flashes of nastiness. To be fair, I think they're often as a result of frustration and loss of control over her life. I don't think I'd be much different.

@gogohmm Unfortunately the home we have chosen for her is not full dementia. We've looked at all of those and mum just isn't at that stage yet. So this home is really lovely but, quite reasonably, doesn't want really negative people who will rock the calm atmosphere. And my mum is negative about everything! They've said she can go in for a couple of hours but if she's not OK, then she'll have to leave! So no help from them really. The likelihood of her succeeding there is really remote.

@Bigslippers , we, too, have been caring for her while she stays in her own home. We have carers coming 4 times a day, do her washing, cleaning etc. But her dementia is getting worse all the time. I want her to go into a home where, he can get into a routine before she gers worse. If I leave it much longer only a dementia nursing home will accept her and they aren't nice places. No shade on the staff but my mum just isn't at that stage yet.

it's so hard to come up with a reason to persuade her to go. She can still reason to some extent what is happening around her. She can't turn the telly over but she could suss out the care home manager wasn't the nurse she was pretending to be while she assessed her!

We've set up a scenario that her boiler has broken down so there's no heating and hot water so she has to go stay somewhere. But she's not daft and her paranoia makes her suspect everything - in this case correctly!

I have no doubt that it's going to fail but I'm going to give it a my best shot. Fingers crossed for me on Monday and I'll report back.

Would daycare help? The type where they give them lunch and do activities or do you think she's past that stage now?

I know it wouldn't help her at night but she might be more tired after daycare and sleep better?

Would she be self funding?

You can’t just put someone in a care home against their will! The only exception is if a DOLs assessment is carried out and also a proper assessment to determine if she lacks capacity or not.

Please don’t put her in a care home that is already clearly not geared up to manage her dementia related behaviours all that will happen is she will have to cope with the move there only for them to give you notice to remove her once she deteriorates further thus forcing another move on your mother. Trust me the stress of being given 30 days notice to find another care home for someone in late stage dementia is not something you want to experience!

Snarky that must have been awful for you

Hi OP. I’m a social worker for adults. Has your Mum had a social care assessment? There is a process for changing a persons care and support, you can’t just move her and lie to her about it. I mean that in the nicest possible way. Coercion is a safeguarding concern, if a person is refusing to leave the house to access support they need than other legislation and methods can be considered but you need professionals on board.

The transition will be difficult, and as a previous poster has said, if the home have skilled staff they will be able to manage your Mum’s needs.

If your Mum meets the criteria for a Deprivation of Liberty Safeguarding then the home will apply for this. During the assessment, which will happen when your Mum is in the residential placement, if the DoLS assessor discovers anything of concern, such as the lack of a Mental Capacity Act capacity assessment and Best Interest decision in respect of where your Mum should receive her care and support then this will cause concern.

Just because a residential home doesn’t smell and has long standing staff does not mean that they are best equipped to support people with advanced dementia.
You need to be asking questions about strategies they will use when your Mum is unsettled. This won’t change because of a change of address. If she is unsettled at night then there needs to be a plan in place for this.

It sounds as if you do need a home who are registered to care for people with dementia.
unfortunately as it’s a progressive condition your mum’s needs are going to get more not less and will need staff with the right skills to support her.
You must do this right, with the right assessments in place as @Shallysally said. Does your Mum have mental capacity to make this decision (that doesn’t have to be the one that you agree with)? If she does then you can just move her against her will and if she doesn’t then the right mental health act assessments need to be completed.
sorry to be doom and gloom but good luck

This. Op I think you need to find your dm somewhere that can cater for Alzheimers and dementia. The behaviour can be challenging and some places list the kind of care your dm will need. From what you've described this definitely isn't one of them.
Good luck.

We’ve just had to do this, and it is hard but it was absolutely the best thing for everybody- including DFil.
But I echo what previous posters have said - you need somewhere that specialises in dementia. Lots say they do, but they mean they’ll take people who are a bit confused, and ship them out when the going gets tough 😞 If your home wants to avoid her negativity then they would appear to fall into that category, in my opinion.

we started with day care and built up. Our home’s opinion on respite care is that it’s often more confusing for them.

It was a horrible time. The care home was all bells and whistles looked like a hotel, claimed to have a special dementia wing which it did but as soon as behaviours required a higher level of supervision residents were given 30 days notice, no discussion, no support. As the care was self funded there was no help what so ever from social services to help find a suitable new home.

on the up side the next care home certainly didn’t look as fancy but the care and staff were amazing until the end. I would say to anyone don’t be too taken in by fancy dining rooms and a full schedule of activities as things aware not always as they seem in these places

Just to echo what Snarky says. If they are already concerned that they can not cope then it isn't the home for her. Just sending a hand hold.

Just to clarify, it is a dementia home. But not solely a dementia home. The woman who runs it worked in the NHS for 30 odd years and then ran a 96 bed care home. She now has a small 28 bed home for dementia and non dementia patients. She and her staff are very experienced with dementia patients but at her assessment my mum was inexplicably nasty. And that has made the manager cautious about her. Another care home we looked at runs two floors one dementia and one residential. They assessed mum as,suitable for the residential section rather yhan the dementia section.

My mum can function by dressing, washing herself, eating on her in etc. But she's bored. She wants someone with her all the time. Which isn't possible. And she needs stimulation which this home provides to stave of the dementia for along as possible. It's perfect for her. I'm not forcing her to stay and the home have no power and no intention of obtaining the power to keep her against her will. I'm trying to give her the best opportunity of trying something she's scared of to see if ultimately it can work out for her.

And yes, we looked at the beautiful hotel ones but they felt cold and, again, not much going on. Honestly, she can stay at home for that.

Ideally she should be assessed as @Shallysally advises.

If she refuses to go into any home, then, yes, she'll need to be assessed. But if she can try a home and decide she likes it, then I guess that won't be necessary. I just want her to be happy and her making the decision to stay there is better than her having an order put on her and being forced to stay in a home she doesn't like.

Well, that's what I think anyway.

When you say she's scared at night, is she staying in bed? Has she started wondering yet?

Thank goodness, no, she doesn't wander - day or night. If she did, I would consider her to be unsafe and she'd have had to have moved before now. She has a dog so that makes her feel safer but, yes, she's getting more nervous. That's why I want her to move while she still has capacity and the ability to adapt to new routines. If she hated the home, that's one thing. But if she doesn't try, how will she know? I know lots of old people go into care homes after a fall or hospital or for respite and then stay because they like feeling safe and that everything is taken care of for them. I'd like a place for her to go in that makes her feel like that, but I need her to actually try it or she won't know. I want her to enjoy what's left of her life and at the moment she's bored and just existing.

I agree it is far better for a move to be planned rather than as a result of a crisis.

I’ve supported clients with similar presentation and they do generally thrive in a residential setting. Keeping her mind active, the distraction of socialising and a routine generally are beneficial.

I hope you find somewhere suitable, and totally understand the feeling that somewhere more homely will be better.

Look at day care at the home you have identified and see how she goes.

Also, is your Mum known to the older people’s memory service? This is a team that consists of health staff, nurses and a consultant. They will assess your Mum, and provide community support with a transfer to residential services.

I can understand exactly why you want her to move.

I think, like Shally suggests, you would be best getting a new Care Needs Assessment.

Shally is the Professional on this thread though so it might be worth reading her post again and asking her for advice

Thank you @PritiPatelsMaker. It’s such a difficult time.

OP, I’m happy to support you. There are services for carers too such as the Admiral
nurses. They are excellent, really understand the stresses of caring for a loved one who has dementia.
Please do feel free to message me, or ask questions on here 💐