Oh, Sally, I'm talking to someone that knows what they're talking about. Thank you so much.
It's good to be reminded that her home is a safe place. It's where she lived with my dad and she knows it well and feels comfortable there. But it is becoming scarier. Especially with the dark nights.
She knows she has dementia and she wants to talk to people but she's embarrassed because she knows the words she's using are all wrong. It's so sad. And on top of that, she does try to concentrate on what is being said and it must be exhausting for her. She really likes it when we go out and she can listen to me talk to strangers so she can listen, absorb bits and laugh and make the odd comment but not feeling like she has to.
However with other dementia sufferers, she can have conversations in gobbledegook and they respond like they understand. I think they just chat what they think, can't really absorb what the other person is saying so they just respond what they're thinking back. Two separate conversations but they seem happy enough. Mums friends can't really communicate with her anymore and mum actively tries to avoid talking to them out of embarrassment, so she needs some new friends that she can be comfortable with. Just sitting at home, watching the same telly, is boring for her. She needs to be talking to some like-minded people. She's been to different daycare settings, and liked some of the people, but refuses to go back. That's why I want to expose her to things that I know she's scared of so she can see it's not so scary.
I have considered moving in with her but she's still not going to have a great quality of life. She's awkward with food with me but I think when she's with other people and they're eating, she'll eat too. She'll have company all day. And she'll be doing things.
She didn't have a scan. I was a bit 😏 about the process actually. The nurse asked her loads of questions about herself for about 45 mins. She didn't slow her speech or simplify her language to find mums level. Then after 45 mins when it was clear how much she couldn't do, the nurse said she was going to start the test. So my poor mum was humiliated for 45 mins over what she didn't know, was exhausted trying to concentrate and then they wanted her to do a test which she knew she was going to fail. So she stood up and said, "no I'm not. This is ridiculous. I'm going home". Normally I'd be frustrated bt her but I actually wanted to give her a round of applause.
So the doctor we returned to see told us she had Alzheimers from the questions she answered and, because she'd had to have a heart bypass, she said she will have vascular dementia as well. A mix. So, I don't know, it's seems a bit arbritary but that's all we've seen.
If I can get her to stay for a few hours on Monday, hopefully I'll have a better idea if they see how she fits. Certainly the other patients seemed a lot more her level than in other places and the manager thought ability-wise she'd be fine. It's just her attitude of saying 'no' to everything because of her fear. I do think all the dementia homes would take her at her dementia stage because she's not much trouble. But her attitude isn't great and I want it to be a place that feels homely and stimulating.
From your advice, I'll speak to social services and approach the GP to see if our memory clinic is the point of access. And then approach them for further advice.
Thank you so much for your help and just being there to understand. It's an awful illness and as a relative and carer, you just feel so alone. Even though there are lots of groups you can attend to speak to others, at the end of the day, it's still yourself feeling guilty and making the decisions that affect someone else's life so much.