Dad trip away- what to say to Mum?

[willowtree81]

My Mum has mixed dementia - diagnosed 3 years ago. I would say she's at moderate to severe stage. Could definitely not be left alone for any period. Her speech and comprehension I would say are most affected. Though physically

Sorry my 1year old posted it too soon! Physically she is pretty good. My Dad has been her carer for years and now he is hitting a wall. He said he needs to 'sleep for 3 days' which I completely understand he is so overdue a break and never thinks of himself. Trying to explain what stage she's at is tricky - if you said "mum, could you pass that book please?" She wouldn't understand but would try to hand you things.

My mums sister is reluctantly coming to stay for the weekend. Both my sister and I have a number of young children, so although we will be there during the days he is away it would be very difficult for either of us to be there looking after her the whole time.

I'm really worried about it all and wondering what is the best thing to say to my Mum...She has 2 different ladies who come and spend time with her twice a week - one for 4 hours and during that time she seems happy and doesn't generally ask where Dad is. I spent the day there last week and she did look for him a couple of times.

I'm guessing we say something honest and simple? Eg. "Dad is fine but he's tired, so he's gone to get some rest in a hotel and will be back tomorrow/ after breakfast"

Any kind of feedback would be hugely appreciated! Thanks for reading all this ♥️

Anyone?

Hi. Ok I would not bother with the he's tired speech. Divert, distract, ooh look a shiny thing, let's look over there.
It is a big ask of her sister to do an entire 3 days (2 sleeps?) so well done and thank you to her.

Moving forward, time to start thinking of what is best for Dad, do you think? Mum is at a stage where she can't be left, isn't she, it isn't safe. Dad is exhausted, and he needs to think of his own health and life.

Have a think about what Mum being safe and looked after looks like. It could be a home, where the activities are tailored, where nursing staff are on hand, where appropriate food is whipped up by Chef.
It could be at home, with more carers, maybe an overnight one if Mum is restless through the night. More hours with her two ladies? Food delivery/meals on wheels to take the pressure off Dad. A gardener, a cleaner, to take some of the drudge. Money obvs an issue here.

Consult community dementia nurse, get an up to date assessment, a carers assessment for Dad as well.

Gentle hand pat, very hard times lie ahead.

I wouldn't tell her at all. There really isn't any point to it.

"Oh he's gone out. He'll be back"

There's no point in going into long explanations. They'll confuse or worry her. All she needs is confirmation that he'll be back.

We've always gone with something like "They've gone to the shop, they won't be long" and then something like "oh look at those beautiful clouds/birds on the feeder/these photos of your grandchildren". Just any distraction really. It sounds as though she won't understand a proper explanation and probably wouldn't remember what you said anyway. DFIL has always gone with full explanations instead of reassurance and distraction and it's always seemed to distress her.

Is there a plan in place for the weekend in case your DA is struggling? Does she know that she can call you or DSis? Is the good planned out and simple to prepare or are you or your DSis going over to do mealtimes?

Fibberty's post is really good. It's time to start planning fir the future and an up to date assessment sounds like a good start.

Can I just ask where your DF is going for those days? Has he got a room booked somewhere else?

Don't tell her.
If/when she realizes he is missing tell her he's absolutely fine and will see her tomorrow.
She's more likely to pick up in any stresses from you if you're worrying about this.

Thank you so much for all these responses. Yes that makes complete sense to keep it very simple and all she needs to know is that he's coming back.

I will be there one (probably both days in reality) and my sister will be there the other. We will sort food. I'm very close to my Aunt, we have told her me, my partner, my sister and her partner will all be on hand for the hours that we aren't there with them and one of mums ladies will be there too for 4 hours. I can understand her reluctance, but we have looked after her over the years and this is the only time we have really needed her. I hope better help will be in place soon so that it never needs to be like this again. I'm dreading it. As you said important not to let that come across, thank you all so much.

Thank you @FlibbertyGiblets for that good advice over next steps - just what we need.

@BunnyRuddington

Can I just ask where your DF is going for those days? Has he got a room booked somewhere else?

What a strange question. What business is it of yours, and what does it have to do with the OP?

What a strange question. What business is it of yours, and what does it have to do with the OP?

I think you may have taken my question the wrong way. I was just concerned that her DF may try and stay at home to get his sleep, which would be unlikely to work.

Don't give her any long detailed explanation. If she asks ( she may not) just say he is out and will be back soon.

I agree with just 'he has popped out and will be back soon' she may or may not realise he isn't there over night. Did he ever go away for the night for work, hobbies etc overnight in which cases just saying he'll be back tomorrow should be fine. And distract!

Places are starting to open up for respite care so that is worth exploring with social services. My Dad went to a local care home for a week four times a year for a couple of years and it made life so much easier for mum both at the time and also when time came for him to move 8n permanently.

I would add please don't hang about/be hesitant in getting current assessments for both parents. The system can be terribly slow and what you do not want is an unplanned catapult into a care home following a crisis.
Best wishes.

How are things this weekend @willowtree81? I hope your DA is coping, your DM is settled and your DF is getting some rest

@BunnyRuddington thank you so much for asking ♥️ it's this weekend coming - he has said he's going to go away Friday morning until Sunday. I'm nervous but hoping it'll be ok. I had a long chat the other night with him and he is so much more open to having more help, so that's massive in itself. We agree that this will probably be the only time my Aunt will do it, so he is thinking ahead to carers who could stay overnight...

Mum isn't at the stage where she doesn't know who anyone is, so we couldn't just have a stranger coming in- but I suggested he pays for someone to come overnight when they are both there. Then mum could meet them and if they seem right for her it wouldn't be so strange the next time, them staying when Dad is away.....hope this is a good idea....

So grateful for the support on here, thanks to all of you for your really helpful responses.

Sorry I didn't realise it was the weekend coming. So glad though that your DF has been more open to having some help, it does sound like that could be a good idea.

Personally I wouldn't be hiring Carers just yet, I'd be pushing for a needs assessment for your DM and a Carer's Assessment fir your DF first, you might have to really push to get these.

Does your DM currently get Attendance Allowance and does she get the higher rate?

If your DF is so tired, has he said how often he's up in the night?

@BunnyRuddington thanks again for your messages. They do get attendance allowance at the higher rate, so that's great, thanks for mentioning.

My sister and I have encouraged him to get a Social Care Assessment- they have a meeting next week about this. We were really worried about what would happen in an emergency, so I'm really hopeful this will put things on record eg. Mums meds.

Is this what you mean? Or is it something else? Sorry, it's a new experience for us so not totally sure how it all works. Again any advice is very much appreciated. Thanks again. ♥️

Sorry, missed your last question, currently, thankfully mum is still sleeping well, I know this is likely to change, but unfortunately my Dad suffers with insomnia.

Also he really hasn't had a proper break in 3 years and just before her diagnosis he told me he'd had enough because her behaviour was so difficult- 😕 we didn't see this coming - her moods have always been very up and down. She's an amazing person, but not an easy one!

Prepare for the assessment by getting a clear idea of her needs. Remember, “a need met is still a need”. It’s easy to forget all the adaptations already made, eg that she can no longer pick up a plate of food but slides it along the work surface. In your mum’s case, anything the carers are doing for her are needs that she has

@MereDintofPandiculation Thank you for your message, that's a really good point as my Dad has been seamlessly managing her needs for years. I'll talk to him before the assessment.♥️

Little update, he left this morning and my sister spent the morning there. Then her usual carer came this afternoon and we will go for the day tomorrow. Just had a message from my aunt saying my mum is completely fine, happy to see her and they've just had tea. I'm still nervous about the bedtime /night but this bodes so well.

Thanks again to each of you for your responses and support. It is greatly appreciated.

I'm glad to hear it's going well so far. One bit of advice from experience - even if there are bits that dont go well dont stress about it. Tell your Dad it all went fine and be thinking about the next time.

Thank you @helpfulperson, good point. We got home about an hour ago, think the kids wore her out a bit but we were definitely a good distraction. And after a slightly rocky start this morning the weekend has (so far 🤞) gone a lot better than expected!

She really lives in the moment so as long as we are distracting her she seemed fine. Not sure what her reaction will be to Dad coming back tomorrow - I imagine she'll be cross with him...anyway it is all good as he is getting a break at last 😃. We will certainly paint the whole thing in an effortless good light to him, thanks again ♥️.

So glad it's going ok so far. Completely agree that it's probably best to tell DF that it's been ok.

It was the Needs Assessment that I meant for your DM and a Carer's Assessment for you DF