DNR

[bettybattenburg]

I've just agreed a DNR for my father.

How do you feel about that? Relieved that he will be spared unnecessary suffering, sad about thinking about his end, scared about the responsibility? Just wanting a hand-hold?

I've signed a DNR for mine. It was very specific, applied only to resuscitation after cardiac arrest, when the chances of recovery for my father at his advanced age and level of frailty were close to zero, so the choice was between accept the inevitable and leave him in peace with family (not that he'd be conscious), or cart him off to hospital and put his body through extra injury with almost certain failure.

You have done the right thing OP. DNR is brutal, and quite violent. It's not for frail elderly bodies.

Kind of numb now. In shock this morning, I had to give my decision over the phone (long story, doesn't really seem relevant), took the DCs to school and kept it together, then parked up and cried, went to the supermarket on auto pilot and then came home went to bed because I wanted nothng to do with the world.

It's what he would want to happen, he supports voluntary euthanasia and has no quality of life. If he was capable of making a decision then it's what he would choose.

Thank you for replying. I didn't know why i was posted it but i needed to get it 'out there' before getting on with the day. I haven't told anybody IRL so it is only me that knows.

Sorry, resuscitation is brutal. Not DNR. That is the compassionate choice.

It's ok, I knew what you meant. Thanks for clarification though.

Honestly I work as a nurse. Resuscitation is brutal, and has a very low success rate in elderly, frail people. In the event that resuscitation 'works', often there are considerable extra physical health issues following resuscitation (brain damage etc from extended lack of blood flow to the brain). Many of those 'successfully' resuscitated also have another cardiac arrest not long afterwards which they don't survive. I am very clear that I would want a DNR in that position, and most health professionals I know who know the reality of what resuscitating older people is like, also feel the same. You've done the right thing honestly.

Aw that's tough. But you know it's what he would want for himself if he was able to sign. When dad went into a nursing home it was one of the things they discussed with new patients. He signed it himself. He died peacefully anyway so didn't need resuscitation so hopefully it won't ever apply to your dad either. No need to feel bad - you'd feel worse if you didn't authorise it and he was resuscitated down the line and it caused him more suffering.

You've done the best thing, OP. My dad has Huntington's disease and congestive heart failure, and everyone agreed to a DNR some time ago. He and his heart are too weak to survive general anaesthetic, let alone resus.

Of course, it's absolutely horrible - my mum and I felt like we'd signed his death warrant for a while - but honestly, it's the kindest thing.

thank you and especially KitKat
Drum2018 I'm glad it was peaceful for your Dad.
I need to work out if i tell my DCs or not. I think not but they will notice i'm not myself when i pick them up from school. Time to use my amateur dramatics hobby i think.

It's not something your children need to know. If your dad does pass away in a situation where he could possibly have been resuscitated, your children don't need to know. It will be a case of saying 'grandad has passed away because he was very ill'.

So hard for you but absolutely the right thing to do. I work with the ambulance service, several times I have held the hand of someone who has collapsed, had an ambulance called, but clearly been taking their last breaths. Having a DNAR in place means this can be a peaceful, caring and respectful few moments. (I say a little prayer too - I'm not religious myself but it feels right).

You have done the right thing. And I totally get how painful this is for you.

Both my parents have advance directives specifying DNR, as well as no interventional measures. Every time one of them is ill I start thinking that this is the time I'll need to be the one communicating it (routinely, it is filed in their health communication file which is by the front door and has lists of their medications, conditions etc in), and although it is totally the right thing, it will still be super hard

@dickambush sorry, we cross posted. Sorry to hear about your father. We have agreed antibiotics for anything curable but if he goes into a coma or has cardiac failure then it will be a case of DNR.

@purplewithred Thank you for all the good work that you do.

@cmotdibbler thank you

@Drum2018 thank you. I'm not telling the children.

all round I think.

FFS how much worse is today going to fucking get. I don't even want to type it but I can't take any more of this today.

Are you ok, what has just happened

Just to echo what some other medical ppl have said.. as an ex medic I think you've made the right choice. I know it's difficult but CPR is unlikely to do much.

Teenager angst from a DS being blunt and outspoken. Apparently I make his life unhappy and I spoil every opportunity he has. This because I accidentally knocked a box down of a stack in the spare room and it fell on something of his and didn't break it.

I know that sounds pathetic but it's the final straw to a shit day.

sending you and a hug, if you'd like one. I'm sorry. What a shitty day it is.

It's not pathetic at all, like you say you've had a shit day. Sorry to hear about your dad and it must have been difficult for you but it's the right choice I hope he is comfortable. Can you ignore the teenage tantrum have a bit of down time and get yourself off to bed soon.

Hi I don't want to crash this thread Betty but my Dm has requested a DNR can anyone point me in the right direction?

Elephant. Mum needs to talk to her gp if shes at home or the hospital doctor.

Hi elephant no worries. Your Mum needs to talk to the Gp or her hospital doctor, it's a different situation for us as I have POA and make the decisions as he doesn't have capacity.

Just had the call. My father is unconscious in hospital and not expected to survive the night.