Support for anyone with a parent with dementia - drop in for support, a rant, or a cry. All welcome.

[CMOTDibbler]

Welcome to the thread no one wants to be on, but we are all travelling with our loved ones along their journey with dementia.

Thanks Wyrd. I hope the house clearance goes as well as these things can do. It's my friend's last day at Mum's tomorrow then all the cupboards, loft and garage will have been done and it's just a matter of the furniture going when house is sold. I've just picked up another load of paperwork today and am wading through but am quite quick these days with the practice.

There's been another offer on the house but too low. However agent thinks they will go to what we want, we'll see. I'm fine as long as I don't see her which is quite sad really but that's Dementia for you.

Hope that these buyers go through Wynken.

All is suspiciously good with my parents atm. They now have a personal alarm, and dad is looking forward to my late great aunts scooter being delivered to him this week so he can go faster

Thanks CMOT. That's great to hear things are good, I love the idea of your Dad going faster!

Its funny, I thought he might get really depressed after her death, but he's had a bit of a boost - and though they are absolutely not poor he's started treating himself. Turned out he'd always wanted to try smoked salmon and lobster (if I'd known, I'd have bought it for him) and so splashed out this week. Bless him.

Oh bless him, things never turn out exactly how you think do they ?! Has he got any other things he wants to do ?

I've just found my Great Grandfather's will and the name of his second wife which I didn't know. One for my family file. Brother is gearing up to call Mum and tell her she can't move to a flat - think he's quite stressed about it . She is indeed likely to spit feathers, rather him than me.

He's decided to buy a bunch of flowers every week too Mum would never have cut flowers in the house when she had all her marbles, so now he's rebelling. Just like he likes swede, she doesn't, but he tells her its sweet potato and she eats it.

Am trying to find sympathy for your brother in having to tell your mum about the flat, but, um...

I like your Dad CMOT, he sounds cool! Don't bother with the sympathy, I didn't exhibit much, just said I wasn't going to tell her. I can't even begin to bring myself to type his latest plan. It woukd involve him actually returning to the UK , I let it all wash over me these days....

Wynken I am a bit like that these days. I am relinquishing trying to control everything. Downside of course in my case is things go wrong, but hey. Dad wants to be at home. Brother wants him at home. There's just the small matter that they can t look after themselves, and for me to do so would require full time presence there, which I am not prepared to do. There is a meeting of all professionals involved in Dad's care on Monday. I have accepted he needs residential care, it's just how to bring that about, in a man who is mobile, not frail, 6 ft tall and dead set against leaving his home. I don t think I can remotely persuade him, and I am going to try and let the professionals do it. And accept a crisis/ accident may well happen. But in a way that is consistent with the way Dad has always been- absolutely not open to persuasion, determined to do his own thing no matter how eccentric, lurching from mishap to crisis and back again.
CMOT it sounds really sweet the way your Dad is now going for things he s always wanted. Long may that continue!

That's good there is a meeting Bob. I think you're right, the professionals need to sort it, they will have been there before and it isn't their parent. My Mother has always been very difficult and loves arguing for the sake of it. I'm reminded of this frequently going back through the old paperwork. It was the last day of house clearance today so I've picked up the last load.

My garage is a bombsite but I can gradually do that. Psychologically this is a huge turning point as I spent many many years dreading it and now the worst is done and it has been relatively painless in the scheme of things. I feel a kind of release from the burden of responsibility that was hanging over me, it felt like a very big thing being responsible for someone's worldly possessions.

bob- I know exactly how you feel my mums the same it took a fall brought on by a urine infection and a spell in respite for her to realise she didn't want to be on her own any more. Hopefully the professionals will be able to persuade him before anything like that happens.

Wynken-That is huge, getting the house cleared it is a responsibility I will be glad when its done. We started today and got quite a bit done. I have someone from a Hospice shop coming next week to see what they can take, hopefully most of the furniture.

I t s really not easy physically, mentally, emotionally to clear a close relative's house. For all my joking about loving skips, I know that. I cleared my beloved grandparents' appartment and it was gut wrenching. I was still having weird dreams about it months later. Good luck Wynken and Wyrd.

Thanks bob.The Hospice people came yesterday to see what they could take, which is a fair bit so at least a charity will benefit. The rest will be a house clearance company but we need to clear the ornaments and personal stuff first.

I feel the need to have a self pitying and pathetic babble so apologies in advance.

I saw mum today and I don't know if it's the heat in the CH or just me but I always feel dopey and find it hard to focus there especially when it's not clear what mum is trying to explain. She never wants me to go and gets a bit upset saying it's a blow when I leave. I say I will be back
but still feel awful. I only go twice week now, initially I went every day but that was unsettling her. My brothers live a long way away (one is unable to travel far due to his health) but they don't phone her. She wants to phone one of them which is a good idea.
When I get home I feel like collapsing on the sofa with chocolate and coffee when I know I must eat healthy stuff to keep my energy levels up as I feel exhausted physically from the emotional strain. I hate looking in the mirror as my face is a wreck, too many wrinkles, and grey hairs popping up!

Anyway sorry about that poor me episode, how are you all at the mo.

Oh wyrd I feel exactly the same when I visit Mum. It is so hot in there. Mum was in bed as she has her 3rd chest infection of the year. She looked so poorly. We were looking at a calendar with Royal baby on it. She loved the pictures but not a clue who it was. I was exhausted by the end. Then she didn't want me to go when the carers came in to reposition and check her. So I waited and went back for 10 mins as she was upset. I did tell her not to shout when I finally left as it upsets me. I am pleased to say she didn't. After I drive I am emotionally drained and just need a large cup of tea and biscuits but I have the dinner to do. So by the time I finally sit down at 6.30pm I am really wanting to go to bed.

sorry to hear your mum is poorly it makes it even harder.I hope she gets over the infection soon. I find I am less tolerant with the kids after a visit especially when they are bickering.Then there's help with homework and dinner to do. I think we should takes some time to ourselves where we can and have the biscuits.

There is a lot to process emotionally, and this will take time. Dementia is a slow bereavement. Your mother will be frightened or unsure of where she is and looking to you for reassurance. You have been going through things from your childhood, and perhaps reevaluating things that may have happened in the past.

Then on top you have your busy and demanding normal life.

This is pretty major, more difficult I think than starting a family. Self-pitying babble is allowed, though I would also recommend a evening out and a friend. (I found a lot of support from those friends who had been there, as you don't really understand till you have.) .

I had a deadline for clearing my mother's flat as I had a tenant lined up. On the last three trips I simply loaded the car and dumped it all at home. It is only recently, several months later, that I felt able to tackle it. There is however a real satisfaction to be gained from having done it all.

There is no smiley for sleep, but I wish you that as well as and

I don't like visiting much and time it so I don't have to stay too long. My Mother spoke to my Brother last week and started with the whole 'I don't think Wynken's on our side' to which he responded 'there are no sides' (which my counsellor was pleased to hear). She then decided she couldn't hear him and ended the call. I discussed this with her last night and have cleared the air for now but no doubt we'll be back to evil Wynken again. That's fine, I'm ok about it as you can be and accept it is a combination of the disease and her personality. She has learned there is a limit to what I will tolerate and will no longer be the family scapegoat.

Mirrors are scary Wyrd !. As a result I now have my hair coloured every hair cut instead of every other. It is hard sorting your parent's home. I wussed it to some extent and got someone else to do it. However I had to go every afternoon to make the decisions about where it all had to go. The first week i felt shattered, the next was easier then it was done. There's still a lot in my garage I need to make decisions on which I'll do gradually but don't want to be doing it more than a few months. I can't say how much of a relief it is that the main sorting is over.

Working again has been a welcome distraction and given me a sense of regaining my life. Plus the counselling has been invaluable in helping me deal with a lot of issues, develop boundaries plus move forward in my relationship with my Brother who actually admitted aloud that he feels guilty about not coming back . I've got to the stage where I'm having a couple of weeks off then will go back for probably the final session.

DH off to visit his Dad abroad this weekend and see how he's doing in his flat, something he's wanted to do for ages but we got so bogged down with my Mother that it didn't happen. Fingers crossed all is well with him.

sleep- It's true mum does look to me for answers, I don't have them tho. She wants to live on her own again but says she will have to learn what to do. I do as suggested and talk around it saying there's no rush etc. as that is impossible but wouldn't say it.
Wynken- I was told it is usual for mums frustration and anger to be taken out on the person who is there doing it all, I, like you, have brothers who live a long way off so it's just me. I was evil until the MH team and docs got her on the right meds as she was delusional and suffering hallucinations. She is over that now thankfully.

We can form a band of evil sisters.

When going through the worst of it, I found it very difficult to constantly be screamed at and be called names. DB's attitude was that I was upsetting her and it was all my fault. The only silver lining was that various professionals were quick to defend me and point out that though my brother was undoubtedly wonderful, I was there, and she needed to recognise this. At least with children you hope one day they will turn round and recognise what you did.

So please rant away.

I love the idea of a band of evil sisters! I think I was lucky as my Mother went down the cold, not saying much and refusing to see me route rather than screaming abuse. I do find the health professionals lovely and was really touched when I saw one out and about on her day off and she crossed over to say hello.

Good idea. It always seems to be the ones who do the most, that get the aggression. The NH have now told me to cut my visits to Mum down a bit as she gets angry when I leave. So probably will only go twice a week and sister once. The NH says she is perfectly OK and tries to join in activities when she is not too poorly.

I was told by the CPN dealing with mum that when i visited so often initially it was a constant reminder of her life before the CH and didnt give her a chance to settle. he was also lovely and really helped me too. if brothers want to criticise let them come and have a go. one of mine came when mum was still at home but left saying he knew nothing about mental illness. i evil sisters unite!!

I was told by the CPN dealing with mum that when i visited so often initially it was a constant reminder of her life before the CH and didnt give her a chance to settle. he was also lovely and really helped me too. if brothers want to criticise let them come and have a go. one of mine came when mum was still at home but left saying he knew nothing about mental illness. i evil sisters unite!!

why did i post it twice, touch phones! should do it on the computer!

I'm going to have a little rant here, so apologies if i offend anyone, but i just need to get this off my chest.

My amazing dad has just been diagnosed with dementia and I just don't know how i will come to terms with the thought of losing him to this disease.

why does it have to be my dad? Why can't my dad enjoy his retirement? Why can't my children grow up knowing their granddad, something i never had? Why does it have to be our family that is hit with this.

My parents stay far away and it has been impossible to see them since diagnosis and i just feel so helpless.

I don't know what to expect. I don't know how long we have got before we see a marked decline. I just feel so bloody angry and upset.

i just needed to get that off my chest as I have been too busy irl "coping" to actually express any of this.

So sorry to hear this and don't worry about ranting.

In terms of decline the doctor seeing him should be able to give you some idea. My mother's memory nurse sent me an envelope of material originally produced by the Alzheimers Society. I was advised that in her case since onset had been slow progression was also likely to be slow.

Now that the right level of care and support are in place my mother is genuinely happy. Though one thing that hits me is her lack of interest in her Grandchildren when they could be a source of pleasure.