Support for anyone with a parent with dementia - drop in for support, a rant, or a cry. All welcome.

[CMOTDibbler]

Welcome to the thread no one wants to be on, but we are all travelling with our loved ones along their journey with dementia.

Do you know which POA she has Dementedma ? It is the Health and Welfare Lasting Power of Attorney that applies in this case I think, not an Enduring Power of Attorney unless something specific was added about health.

It sounds like he needs to be reassessed urgently by Social Services. You can ring and say what you have said here. Try to have specific examples of what he has done that mean he is no longer safe. If you feel she isn't getting the situation you might need to be very firm and say you are withdrawing your care as you can no longer cope. Is there any chance he has some kind of infection which could be making him worse?

I think wynkens right. My mum had a urine infection and it made her a lot more confused and unsteady and she had a fall.Try and get the GP out for a visit and take a sample also get him/her to get the community mental health team involved they helped to get mum on meds and into respite when the hospital discharged her too early.

I think perhaps he has had a mini stroke of sorts as he had suddenly got a lot worse.
If I say he cant cope though, will they put him in a home. He is dreading that.
I have got a consent form from the doctor and have to get dad to sign it to say I can discuss his case. Not sure if he will understand that but will try. He is always convinced people are trying to put him in a home and is frightened of any paperwork.

Oh dear it is frightening for him, mum was the same she resisted help for a long time. He would have to agree to go into a home unless it got to crisis point as I was told by the GP and MH team. He would have to be a danger to himself or others before they consider using the mental health act (section) and that needs 3 health professionals to agree. There is a lot that can be done first, we tried a care package whereby people came to mum's home to help her dress and wash they prepared food and gave her meds. Once you know the cause of the sudden deterioration you can work out a plan.I hope you can get the help you need soon. He may need respite care for a short while and then be able to go home again.

Why is this thread hidden away under " other stuff" like it doesn't matter?
Can it be moved to SN? Cari g for a pare t with dementia seems less valuable to MN than caring for a child with autism for example.loads of threads and a whole talk topic for SN, not we get "other stuff".

It is in a Topic group called Elderly parents so it is in an appropriate place. If you think your Dad has had a series of mini strokes he really needs a gp to refer him to hospital for brain scans etc. Hope things go well with your Dad signing the form.

Theres lots of support that can be put in place before a home, and tbh SS will try everything before it comes to that.

But trying to find the reason for an acute downturn is def the priority here, and you might have to be very firm with your dad about it.

Were you there when the assessment was done? My mum thinks she can still cook if asked - she can't at all!

mums the same, when we applied for attendance allowance she said she could do everything for herself but the CH manager spoke with the woman and put her straight!.Saw mum this morning and came away feeling guilty as usual.She asked me to stay longer, saying she felt like I had only been there 5 mins. It was over an hour and the CH likes to have no visitors over the lunch period so I said I would stay longer next time. We have a buyer for mum's house so I have to get it cleared out. She has all that is possible to place in the CH and I now have to sort all her stuff into keep and charity etc. I have a house clearance company to get rid of what we can't keep, we don't have space for a lot our loft is bursting at the seams.It takes time to do and what with kids, house and no energy it's going to be hard work. But the emotional side of getting rid of it all is going be harder for me I think there's loads of ornaments, personal bits and bobs and furniture. DH and the kids will help tho

Wyrd, I don't envy you. I spent the best part of four months last winter clearing my mother's flat and found it very difficult. She had really hoarded a lot.

I was lucky in that I got help from the cleaner in my mothers block. She had known my mother a long time and they got on., so I simply put aside anything I could not use, and she took it. There was a huge amount. I assume she is still car booting...

Hospice shops will also take stuff away and you know it is going to a good cause.

Though at the time it was emotionally difficult, and I was exhausted for ages afterwards, I feel better for having done it, and have completely revised my attitude towards "stuff". I have since been slowly going through If it will not be used, either now or sometime in the foreseeable future, it goes. Making sure that what is kept is accessible. It means a lot less shopping as we have got better at only buying food when needed, and sorting out my wardrobe to rediscover clothes that were previously hidden away. The minimalism has also extended to my diet and I have lost all the weight I put on last winter and some more. So on balance it has proved a positive catalyst. And much better doing it at this stage than after a funeral. On each visit I was able to bring my mother a cherished item or two. Her old Brownie uniform...whilst my dad had kept a lot from his WW2 days which my kids enjoyed.

I still have a lot of Mum's things in my garage from when she came to live with me 7 yrs ago. She has what she needs in the NH but I just can't bring myself to get rid of anything.

Very much agree better than after a funeral. I'm in the same boat as you Wyrd - buyer for the house and pretty much as much in CH with Mum as will be going. I've cheated a bit and am paying a friend but still have to go over after work every day to check the piles and I always come back with a carload.

We don"t have much of a loft so I have to be fairly ruthless. There's a table in the garage and I'm using that for now with a view to Ebaying in the spring.

Finds to date are my Grandparents' wedding rings, what I think are Mum's 1st holy communion earrings and ring, her hair roller set from hairdressing and lots of great photos. Oh and my christening shawl plus some of my baby clothes.

I am now well off for loo roll and washing powder. It looks like the garage will be finished tomorrow which is brilliant as it was floor to ceiling right up to the door. Saturday fit young lads are coming to get the contents of the loft down so I suspect next week a lot of my toys are going to appear. It is quite emotionally draining and a big lesson to anyone planning to conceal assets when separating from your DH - don't leave the paperwork for your children to find, they won't be impressed. Having someone else to do the majority of it removes me from it to some extent though which I find helps as does the counselling.

Hi all

DMV has had dementia for a while and is very well looked after by DD. I am a couple of hours away and my DS much closer.

Mum seems to have gone downhill really quickly recently and I was wondering if this is the norm.

She is also having odd and frightening turns, where she shakes uncontrollably.

They live in sheltered accommodation. So lots of help close by. It's very scary for all of us. What a cruel disease this is.

Sorry to hear this.It is so cruel you are right. It seems quite common for a sudden downhill turn but it could be due to a urine infection as this can affect people dramatically making them very confused. It may be worth getting the GP to check it out.

Agree about getting a urine infection checked out. Also is she drinking enough, as dehydration can cause lots of problems.

we are in the process of clearing mums house out as the sale is going through and alot of it will have to go but we will b able to store some keepsakes. the thing is there are a couple of pieces of furniture and a TV that we could make use of but it makes me feel a bit uneasy taking it. How do any of you feel about this issue and have you been there. thanks.

Wyrd a bunch off shave been talking about this very subject on the " finding it all hard to keep everything going" thread.

Same situation here Wyrd. A few bits of furniture are coming here. It does feel a bit strange if I'm honest. They are things that if they went our house would still be fine so I think my mind is rationalising it this way. Yes, 'a bit uneasy' sums it up well. Maybe it's the whole acceptance about where they are thing coming into play, you know it logically and rationally but there's a tiny bit deep inside that doesn't quite accept and causes unease?

Same situation here Wyrd. A few bits of furniture are coming here. It does feel a bit strange if I'm honest. They are things that if they went our house would still be fine so I think my mind is rationalising it this way. Yes, 'a bit uneasy' sums it up well. Maybe it's the whole acceptance about where they are thing coming into play, you know it logically and rationally but there's a tiny bit deep inside that doesn't quite accept and causes unease?

I was lucky. My mothers sheltered housing has two huge storage cupboards and a spare room. The latter has essentially become a memory room with a large display cabinet and lots of photos, whilst one storage cupboard is filled with large plastic storage crates piled up neatly and which contain my mums 'precious' things. Eg 3 full bone China dinner services and a lot of crystal glass. A punch bowl set anyone? She cant really access but knows its there and thus no one has 'taken' anything. And when it has to be moved the crates can be loaded into the car and as I know whats in them I can find a home quite quickly.

I tried to limit what I took home to things we would use or momentos to give to the children one day. The rest went...other than the fact there is still loads of furniture in storage places connected to property she owns. In time and with distance I will feel able to get rid of it.

The first week or so of clearing was weird though. I felt a real invader.

Oddly there are no signs of hoarding in her current home. I guess we have all lost interest in collecting possessions.

I've been lurking but just got a call from my DMs consultant today. She's really deteriorating since Xmas and we now need to talk to Macmillan and SW whether she's able to move into a home.

She has LB dementia. I'm so sorry for you and everyone else on this board.

I got the call in the station and had tears pouring down my face.

I'm shocked at how shocked I am IYSWIM because we've been expecting it, but it's still my Mum at the end of the day.

Hope that's not too self indulgent and to everyone.

Off to read the rest of the thread. I need advice on how to manage the financial side of things.

Really sorry to hear this Trooperslane . I think however much you know it is coming, it is a shock sadly.

Re finance, if she has assets over about 23.5k she will be self funding. There is something called the 12 week disregard where for 12 weeks she is assessed as if she doesn't have a property and SS will pay their weekly amount. This may well create a shortfall which someone would be liable for. The CH my Mother is in has very kindly agreed to wait but will be putting a charge on the house. I think you might well have to ask about this as the info wasn't forthcoming until I asked. This is assuming she lives alone.

After 12 weeks, if a house hasn't sold, some LA will give an interest free loan where they have a charge on the house to be repaid when sold. This is assuming she lives alone, owns a property and doesn't have many other assets so it depends on her circumstances.

Trooperslane sorry you have to be here. Have a look on the Age uk web site for help on financial things and getting care.
www.ageuk.org.uk/home-and-care/help-at-home/paying-for-care-and-support-at-home/

Thanks pudcat and wynken

Off to read some more. Very useful - thanks and a x

How's everyone doing? Went to see Mum this afternoon, she had a fall yesterday but is ok. I don't stay long as she just keeps going on about getting out, she's being kept illegally and I don't think my visit did either of us much good.

Buyer pulled out of house sale on survey. Not much wrong with it but she is elderly lady and couldn't cope with idea of any issue at all. It has gone back in market and there are 3 viewings lined up. Last two days of house clearance this week so that's nearly there.

rough day wynken i feel for you its draining , very stressful. mums the same always says she wants to leave. we r starting the house clearance tomorrow seems an enormous task and tough physically and emotionally, be glad whe its done. hope you have some luck with the house soon and a better day today.