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I feel stupid, can any men tell me if this is OK?

33 replies

Floight · 28/05/2010 19:40

Ok, I had a thread the other day about a married bloke I fancy. I see him every day and we are good friends, but I am a bit wobbly about him and I needed advice about handling the situation.

There were two schools of thought: One was to avoid him, completely try to forget him and basiclaly get away from it because it can only lead to hurt and trouble.

The other was not to avoid, but to carry on being friends while strenuously resisting any urge to say anything about my feelings or act on them, which obviously is still difficult, but the upshot is supposed to be I grow out of the crush and we end up genuine friends without the pain.

I am trying this because frankly I have few friends and he is nice, and funny, and I know I am strong enough not to cross the line in any way.

However I am worried in case he already suspects I feel strongly about him. He may not, or it might be very obvious - I can't tell. And I feel stupid, because thinking he might have guessed would make me look like a daft eejit following him around, while if he has no clue, it would just be normal friendship stuff iyswim.

My question is two parted. Firstly, is he likely to have sussed me? Is this something men do? Or not?
and secondly, if he has, then is it OK to carry on as friends, without saying anything, or should I back off because I'm an annoyance or something.

He still seems very keen to be friendly and we hang about together as we always did. Does this mean he is OK with it?
I am confused and could use a male perspective, thankyou!

OP posts:
LordPanofthePeaks · 28/05/2010 19:46

chances are, unless you lay down in front of him with legs akimbo, he won't have a clue about your feelings. He's a bloke.

two other things:

  1. he is married.

2. he is married.

forget it.
ThatVikRinA22 · 28/05/2010 19:47

you say he is married?
im not a man but i can see this leading only to hurt and heartache im afraid.

Floight · 28/05/2010 19:53

Thanks, at least he won't have noticed - that's important. I shan't be telling him (or anyone else who knows him)

It will be hard to avoid him but I hope I will be able to quash the crush and get over it. I think it is a displacement activity on my part.

Don't worry, please - nobody else is going to get hurt, I will make sure of it. I have seen the results of that kind of thing and it is something I wish to avoid at all costs, am just trying to find a way to deal with these feelings.

anyway thankyou, your answers have helped. Maybe the avoiding might be better after all.

OP posts:
LordPanofthePeaks · 28/05/2010 19:58

There's lots of single, funny, decent, handsome and sexy blokes out there. Just need to look properly for them. Leave the one's that are taken taken. Some woman is prob. happy and proud she looked properly. So don't crap on her.

Floight · 28/05/2010 20:02

Where, Pan? Where??! And no, I shan't crap on her, you have my word.

I am so blardy lonely atm, it all becomes super intensitifed when really I know he is best off with her and it's none of my concern. But seriously I have not met a decent single bloke for years.

OP posts:
piratecat · 28/05/2010 20:07

oh hear you totally op.

Don't get fixated. it will pass. i've been sinlge yrs too. Being lonely is crap, at times. I get more lonely this time of yr, with the summer heading in, and wishing i had a nice hand to hold!

sorry, i am a female, will bugger off now!!

Floight · 28/05/2010 20:10

Thanks Piratecat, you are very kind

I have a week off from seeing him, it's half term (well apart from party tmrw)

so maybe I will get over it a bit! arghhhhh this is terrible.

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Floight · 28/05/2010 20:11

this looking properly is sounding mysterious

do I need a magnifying glass?

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LordPanofthePeaks · 28/05/2010 20:13

I don't know Floight! I don't spend much time looking for them!

It isn't so much where as how, I reckon. Deftly letting someone know you are unattached, without advertising yourself can be tricky but should be simple. Striking up every day conversation, with a 'like your shoes/hair/tank top should be really easy, and can be done just about anywhere! IT would work for me.

Most chaps like someone who is easy to talk to and gives them lots of clues.

Sorry for being a bit brusque.

But try striking up a conversation like above, without compromising your dignity. You can always back out of it if you don't like what you hear in reply.

Floight · 28/05/2010 20:16

Thankyou very much indeed, I had not actually thought of trying it like that - seems so obvious now. But I guess I rarely see a bloke I like the look of a lot, and if I do, i assume he is already attached.

It's scary taking that risk isn't it. But much less stupid than getting obsessed with one I know is attached...

Ok I will try it next time I see someone nice looking. Thankyou! and brusque is OK, I deserved it.

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Floight · 28/05/2010 20:18

I did meet a nice bloke at the scrap yard yesterday and asked his name, and he shook my hand which surprised me. Saying that I bet you about a fiver that he is already married or whatever.

Most of the nice ones my age are, I think. We seem to outnumber them.

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rasputin · 28/05/2010 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floight · 28/05/2010 20:24

You are right Rasputin

it feels false. It worries me and is uncomfortable, now, when it should be easy.

I wish he would tell me that as well, then I could stop half-hoping. Also it would mean their life together is happier than it seems from here, which would be a relief and i would feel less like 'rescuing' him.

It's not possible to be his friend when I feel like this. I am going to avoid, now.

OP posts:
LordPanofthePeaks · 28/05/2010 20:26

Don't foget too, if I may add, there are lots and lots of guys in your position too, and they will be as unsure as you may be if you said something nice to them, so give them a chance.

Avoid the wankers, obv.

rasputin · 28/05/2010 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JuJusDad · 28/05/2010 20:28

As a bloke (verifiable by the Shiney cult ladies ), what LordPan said in their first reply to you, Floight.

Try e-Harmony. I did, and now I'm with someone I didn't meet there. But very happy to be with her.

Point is, go looking in the "right" places, but stay open to other possibilities.

rasputin · 28/05/2010 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouCantTeuchThis · 28/05/2010 20:34

Ah seems to me (through a glass of red) that you are hoping that he will have worked it out and act on it so that you can stick to your word not to pursue, managing to almost completely side-step the guilt stuff.

For what it is worth (and it is not a popular view, I know!) I reckon that other people's relationships are their responsibility - he would be the one cheating, not you.

Having said that, I have huge pity for any woman that considers someone like that 'good enough'...they are most likely not.

This obsession will pass, and you will most likely avoid a world of heartache.

Take up something less dangerous like abseilling, pot-holing or even just facebook-creeping old school friends

YouCantTeuchThis · 28/05/2010 20:35

(disclaimer: have never dated married man!!)

Floight · 28/05/2010 20:43

Nooo I mean, yes, yes part of me just wants him to say 'yes of course i know you silly woman and I am still hanging around with you because I lurrvvve you and want you 'etc etc etc

part of my stupid brain. But the big half ays no, and is far more sensible! I know it's just a fantasy, but finding the boundary between what I can imagine and what I can act like is really difficult for me. I think I am playing it more than safe, really.

I have been involved with someone married a long time in the past and tbh it was the worst experience of my life, and still racks me with awful guilt. Such that I will NEVER go there again. That includes telling him or playing with fire in whatever way. I just refuse to do it.

Especially as he does have kids, and their lives and needs are WAY more important than my hormones. I really mean it and I will not be doing anything unless and until he announces he is single without any help from me. Then I will get real about it, maybe. But it is v unlikely to happen so forgetting him is the best way.

Jujusdad I have heard rumours you are very nice indeed and wish you every happiness with that lovely woman

I hate dating websites, really hate them and have tried a few out. I can't go there either. But will deffo focus on finding someone else to obsess over, as this is going nowhere is it. It's just pain for pain's sake.
that's even before involving actual affair type stuff, which obviously would be disastrous.

thanks again for the replies and sensible thinking. I need a mallet to the head sometimes.

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Floight · 28/05/2010 20:45

and teuch also meant to say, any bloke who would have an affair is just someone I would lose respect for instantly.

If this one had suggested anything remotely off limits I would have stopped liking him - iyswim. It could and would ONLY take place once he was already single by his own volition, because otherwise it would just show he was a deceitful git and that's not attractive.

I would not be able to live with myself as an OW, I really wouldn't.

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Floight · 29/05/2010 10:34

Well after the most terrifying, awful nightmare last night about this I am fully in the avoid was horrifying. I woke up in such a state, and have spent the morning figuring out a plan to keep as far from him as possible after half term.

He might be worried and ask if I'm avoiding him so have a casual answer for that as well, so he doesn't need to know.

This whole thing is best forgotten I think...good old subconscious has kicked in, perhaps just in time - someone would have noticed even if he didn't. I just hope it is in time.

Thanks for your help yesterday, everyone - I think this thread was probably the catalyst for my dreaming about it in that way.

OP posts:
piratecat · 29/05/2010 10:39

deffo, you had to get it out your system.

good luck!!

Floight · 29/05/2010 10:43


OP posts:
JuJusDad · 29/05/2010 14:20

How are you today flight? [ its shiney by the way - using his name as he is logged in .. ] Are you feeling OK?

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