Living without intimacy

[adadwithnoname]

Of any sort - could you do it? Is anyone doing it? I'm not talking about a choice here. I won't go into my situation, but it's clear to me that there will be no more intimacy in my life. No kisses, no hugs, nothing.

I want to know how other people deal with this, because I honestly do not beleive I am the only one.

[adadwithnoname]

It's actually quite easy to pretend to be happy. I know that I am very angry inside, i feel as if some terrible injustice has been committed, which sounds i suppose melodramatic and even childish, but it's something that it is very hard to give a sense of scale to.

I'm having therapy, which i think i'm going to tey to use to focus on that, to diminish the anger and frustration so that i don't take it out on anyone.

She's happy, i think - she simply doesn't feel the same way i do about intimacy - i'd love to know why or how, but of course i never shall.

I'm going to concentrate on ways of staying. Yes, sometimes i worry about "wasting" something, but in all honesty i am not sure what. There are people who spend their whole lifes alone, or significant parts of it, some through choice, some through circumstances, widows, widowers, people who just haven't found the right person, or don't want to, or for whom there is no right person, and they cope, sometimes they are fulfilled and happy people even.

And when i get to whatever age it is that i get to, and realise that i have to, in some way, take stock, what will i be saying i missed out on? Does it really matter? I don't think so. I think i want and expect too much.

I don't think i have a confidence issue - i will admit that i have a very clear and stark idea of who i am, and whether i am interesting, or attractive, or someone someone would want to spend time with, but i have that idea because i am living with the consequences of those failings in myself, i have proof if you like.

I will, sometimes, lapse, and want to shout and screm, and sometimes, if i may, i will do that here.

[lilacclaire]

You are not wanting and expecting too much. You really deserve better than this, a life without rejection, a life with someone who wants a physical relationship and loves you.
Everyone has shortcomings, I have a list of them, as does my dp.
Im sorry for going on, but I don't think anyone should settle for a life like this where something so fundamental and basic is being denied.
I know your not going to leave, but please don't think this is normal.
I hope you meet someone that blows your socks off and shows you how wrong this all is.

[adadwithnoname]

That is something i am scared of Claire, something happening that overcomes my resolve to do the right thing by my family - in fact i think that's the thing i am most scared of.

Also, i know that i still lover her, and always will - if i fall for someone else, how will i resolve that to myself, let alone anyone else? How would it be anything but unfair on the new love?

It's unlikley to happen for lots of reasons - all our friends think that we have a "normal" relationship, and i don't socialise much these days, deliberately because i feel that, well, that i'm not quite as connected to everyone else in the world as i used to be.

I'm also scared of being hurt again, or used. I'm aware that i'm quite vulnerable, and could be taken for a ride, as it were.

Uggh, that all sounds so horrible and mistrusting, sorry.

[adadwithnoname]

Hi all

Just checking in, not feeling fantastic, if i'm honest. We seem to be "happy", she's going out more, we're spending time together, the other man in her life is history, but there's still that gaping hole.

An old friend has said "walk out, i would" but it's not that simple is it?

[adadwithnoname]

It's not that simple - she loves me, but not in the same way that i love her.

[pennytree]

Sorry but it is that simple

[ilovespagbol]

try and see yourself in five, ten years time. what do you see? what do your DC see? unhapppiness and a life and emotional being unfulfilled. you deserve to be loved in the way you wish to be loved.

[chipmunk1]

'And when i get to whatever age it is that i get to, and realise that i have to, in some way, take stock, what will i be saying i missed out on? Does it really matter? I don't think so. I think i want and expect too much.'

what have you missed out on? self respect. and people will only start to respect you when you respect yourself. and then your self confidence and relationships with others start to grow. think of it like a plant needing sunlight, you've gotta have it or othrwise you may as well curl up and admit defeat.

you say you feel scared about something happening that overcomes your resolve to do the right thing by your family? what makes you think (and i actually would be interested in the answer) that your are doing the right thing by not not respecting yourself and putting your wife on a pedastal that she clearly doesn't deserve. surely she can't have that big a problem with intimacy or she wouldn't have had an affair as to do that involves intimacy? i hope that makes sense and i don't mean it nastily, i would actually love to know how you feel about it.

[thumbwitch]

my Dad pretty much did - my Mum was never much one for the touchy-feely stuff and she told me that "intimate relations" pretty much ceased after the birth of my sibs. They were married for 42 years until she died; the last several they slept in different rooms. He still misses her like crazy though.

[FairLadyRantALot]

hmm...very sad adad...now I think people can go through phases of better and worse...but if you feel it is permanent and there is no way of changing it....than you have to make decisions....
I couldn't live like that, I think...not permanently...and that is despite being able to use fantasy world at leisure....and finding that reasonable fullfilling....but the no hope...why are you staying together....if it is for the children, consider how an unhappy marriage will make them feel..

[adadwithnoname]

Hi

it's been a difficult day - everyone has difficult days, sometimes for a good reason, sometimes just because it's their turn, but it's the upsides i miss. I think all couples argue, and get upset, but i guess they have the good stuff, and it makes it ok, or at least bearable.

I can't answer the questions - i can't answer my own, sorry.

[JudyBlume1019]

I have no intimacy in my life. No sex either, but even if we do have sex (new baby, not planning it in for a while!) it won't be intimate. That's shit, I know, and it's sad, but that's my life. I have no idea how long I will be able to tolerate it for, the longer the better for the children imo.
Good luck with your predicament. I hope you find resolution.

[Listening]

You need to step back and see it properly for what it is

You sound like you have tried over the many years.But your DW is not interested
You need to think how all this is affecting your Dc they may not know the details but they will know there is something not right.
Or they could grow up thinking its normal which it isnt <br /> <br /> Read what everybody has said !!!!<br /> You cant live like this
And somebody who makes another feel like this is really not worth it

[FairLadyRantALot]

judyblume....but is it really better for the Kids?

[goldenpeach]

Lack of intimacy was the reason my previous relationship broke up. We were together for nearly 9 years when all intimacy stopped abruptly. My partner loved me but didn't want any sex and felt awkward if I touched him in case it would lead to sex. He became introverted and left me out in the cold. We didn't have children (he decided he didn't want any and I was trying to change his mind in the last years) but lack of intimacy was the last straw. We broke up but lived in the same house for a year before I sold it (it was my house as he didn't want to commit himself with a property). I met somebody else who was in similar situation and we got together. We didn't wait long to have a child (both our exes were not that keen on children). I am still in touch with ex, he is a bit of a loner (but he was always that type).