Living without intimacy

[adadwithnoname]

Of any sort - could you do it? Is anyone doing it? I'm not talking about a choice here. I won't go into my situation, but it's clear to me that there will be no more intimacy in my life. No kisses, no hugs, nothing.

I want to know how other people deal with this, because I honestly do not beleive I am the only one.

[goldenpeach]

Lack of intimacy was the reason my previous relationship broke up. We were together for nearly 9 years when all intimacy stopped abruptly. My partner loved me but didn't want any sex and felt awkward if I touched him in case it would lead to sex. He became introverted and left me out in the cold. We didn't have children (he decided he didn't want any and I was trying to change his mind in the last years) but lack of intimacy was the last straw. We broke up but lived in the same house for a year before I sold it (it was my house as he didn't want to commit himself with a property). I met somebody else who was in similar situation and we got together. We didn't wait long to have a child (both our exes were not that keen on children). I am still in touch with ex, he is a bit of a loner (but he was always that type).

[FairLadyRantALot]

judyblume....but is it really better for the Kids?

[Listening]

You need to step back and see it properly for what it is

You sound like you have tried over the many years.But your DW is not interested
You need to think how all this is affecting your Dc they may not know the details but they will know there is something not right.
Or they could grow up thinking its normal which it isnt <br /> <br /> Read what everybody has said !!!!<br /> You cant live like this
And somebody who makes another feel like this is really not worth it

[JudyBlume1019]

I have no intimacy in my life. No sex either, but even if we do have sex (new baby, not planning it in for a while!) it won't be intimate. That's shit, I know, and it's sad, but that's my life. I have no idea how long I will be able to tolerate it for, the longer the better for the children imo.
Good luck with your predicament. I hope you find resolution.

[adadwithnoname]

Hi

it's been a difficult day - everyone has difficult days, sometimes for a good reason, sometimes just because it's their turn, but it's the upsides i miss. I think all couples argue, and get upset, but i guess they have the good stuff, and it makes it ok, or at least bearable.

I can't answer the questions - i can't answer my own, sorry.

[FairLadyRantALot]

hmm...very sad adad...now I think people can go through phases of better and worse...but if you feel it is permanent and there is no way of changing it....than you have to make decisions....
I couldn't live like that, I think...not permanently...and that is despite being able to use fantasy world at leisure....and finding that reasonable fullfilling....but the no hope...why are you staying together....if it is for the children, consider how an unhappy marriage will make them feel..

[thumbwitch]

my Dad pretty much did - my Mum was never much one for the touchy-feely stuff and she told me that "intimate relations" pretty much ceased after the birth of my sibs. They were married for 42 years until she died; the last several they slept in different rooms. He still misses her like crazy though.

[chipmunk1]

'And when i get to whatever age it is that i get to, and realise that i have to, in some way, take stock, what will i be saying i missed out on? Does it really matter? I don't think so. I think i want and expect too much.'

what have you missed out on? self respect. and people will only start to respect you when you respect yourself. and then your self confidence and relationships with others start to grow. think of it like a plant needing sunlight, you've gotta have it or othrwise you may as well curl up and admit defeat.

you say you feel scared about something happening that overcomes your resolve to do the right thing by your family? what makes you think (and i actually would be interested in the answer) that your are doing the right thing by not not respecting yourself and putting your wife on a pedastal that she clearly doesn't deserve. surely she can't have that big a problem with intimacy or she wouldn't have had an affair as to do that involves intimacy? i hope that makes sense and i don't mean it nastily, i would actually love to know how you feel about it.

[ilovespagbol]

try and see yourself in five, ten years time. what do you see? what do your DC see? unhapppiness and a life and emotional being unfulfilled. you deserve to be loved in the way you wish to be loved.

[pennytree]

Sorry but it is that simple

[adadwithnoname]

It's not that simple - she loves me, but not in the same way that i love her.

[adadwithnoname]

Hi all

Just checking in, not feeling fantastic, if i'm honest. We seem to be "happy", she's going out more, we're spending time together, the other man in her life is history, but there's still that gaping hole.

An old friend has said "walk out, i would" but it's not that simple is it?

[adadwithnoname]

That is something i am scared of Claire, something happening that overcomes my resolve to do the right thing by my family - in fact i think that's the thing i am most scared of.

Also, i know that i still lover her, and always will - if i fall for someone else, how will i resolve that to myself, let alone anyone else? How would it be anything but unfair on the new love?

It's unlikley to happen for lots of reasons - all our friends think that we have a "normal" relationship, and i don't socialise much these days, deliberately because i feel that, well, that i'm not quite as connected to everyone else in the world as i used to be.

I'm also scared of being hurt again, or used. I'm aware that i'm quite vulnerable, and could be taken for a ride, as it were.

Uggh, that all sounds so horrible and mistrusting, sorry.

[lilacclaire]

You are not wanting and expecting too much. You really deserve better than this, a life without rejection, a life with someone who wants a physical relationship and loves you.
Everyone has shortcomings, I have a list of them, as does my dp.
Im sorry for going on, but I don't think anyone should settle for a life like this where something so fundamental and basic is being denied.
I know your not going to leave, but please don't think this is normal.
I hope you meet someone that blows your socks off and shows you how wrong this all is.

[adadwithnoname]

It's actually quite easy to pretend to be happy. I know that I am very angry inside, i feel as if some terrible injustice has been committed, which sounds i suppose melodramatic and even childish, but it's something that it is very hard to give a sense of scale to.

I'm having therapy, which i think i'm going to tey to use to focus on that, to diminish the anger and frustration so that i don't take it out on anyone.

She's happy, i think - she simply doesn't feel the same way i do about intimacy - i'd love to know why or how, but of course i never shall.

I'm going to concentrate on ways of staying. Yes, sometimes i worry about "wasting" something, but in all honesty i am not sure what. There are people who spend their whole lifes alone, or significant parts of it, some through choice, some through circumstances, widows, widowers, people who just haven't found the right person, or don't want to, or for whom there is no right person, and they cope, sometimes they are fulfilled and happy people even.

And when i get to whatever age it is that i get to, and realise that i have to, in some way, take stock, what will i be saying i missed out on? Does it really matter? I don't think so. I think i want and expect too much.

I don't think i have a confidence issue - i will admit that i have a very clear and stark idea of who i am, and whether i am interesting, or attractive, or someone someone would want to spend time with, but i have that idea because i am living with the consequences of those failings in myself, i have proof if you like.

I will, sometimes, lapse, and want to shout and screm, and sometimes, if i may, i will do that here.

[lilacclaire]

It sounds like a soul destroying way to live.

You both deserve to be happy and your children deserve 2 happy parents instead of 2 miserable ones, even if that means you are no longer together.

You sound as if you have no self confidence left. What would you say to one of your children who was in this situation?
Are you going to look back over your life and regret staying and depriving yourself of a loving and happy life?

[adadwithnoname]

Personal experience has taught me that it can be something on which there is no compromise position - if she simply doesn't find him attractive, that's all there is too it.

I don't beleive that anyone has the right to intimacy i'm afraid.

[solidgoldSneezeLikeApig]

It is a tricky problem, but it is one that can be solved. However, both partners have to put the effort in when it comes to solving it or at leastfinding a compromise that both can live with. As with any and every relationship problem, though, if one partner finds the situation is OK by him/her and is therefore not prepared to do anything about changing it despite the misery of the other, the relationship is doomed - and quite rightly.

[EvenBetaDad]

solidgold - I thought I might have been going out on a limb there by saying what I said and I did post in some trepidation.

I am pleased to see that at least someone agrees. It is a very tough issue to deal with though. There is no doubt.

[solidgoldSneezeLikeApig]

Abetadad: I have always maintained that when there is a serious libido mismatch, if the person with the low or non-existent libido will not try to change the situation or even discuss it, that person loses the right to onogamy from the other one, end of.

[adadwithnoname]

I think what scares me is that i have learned that i can live without intimacy.

[EvenBetaDad]

Belfastbloke - I want everyone (man or woman) on MN to read that article to understand why physical/sexual intimacy matters in a relationship. I am especially glad it was written by a woman. I agree with every word.

There is thread after thread after thread on MN where women report having little desire to have sex with DH once kids have come along and how he is pressing for sex and becoming resentful. Also quite a number the other way round so this is not one way traffic.

The comments on many MN threads so often dismiss the the needs of the person who has the higher 'normal' libido. While I strongly agree no one should feel pressured into having sex I do think that after many many months without sex the person with the lower libido has to take some responsibility and seek help work out what is the cause and identify some means of maintaining some kind of physical/sexual intimacy with their DH/DP/DW that is acceptable to both while they fully resolve the problem causing the lower libido. Either that or the person with the lower libido has to be willing to release the other person from their monogomous obligation - even if they remain married or in a partnership for the sake of the children.

As I have written about on MN before, having been in the positon of a man with very low libido because of illness and also been in the position of having a temporarily higher libido than DW after children I know both sides of this story and the loneliness, guilt, and anguish is enormous.

I just could not live in a marriage without physical/sexual intimacy.

[wildhorses]

That article is spot on
I could of written that myself
Dh decided to stop it all without discussion or my consent
So you are left just like it says

Its the "crossing the line" with another thats scarey as it no longer feels forbidden but my right (which I know it isnt but what are you meant to do if you cant cope with dhs choice)

Crossing that line would be me then breaking up the family
Me having to explain to the dc why we split and it was me that caused it ....crossing the line

Not that their father had decided years ago not to want it anymore
and you are left feeling lonely,hurt and cold and had seeked it elsewhere just to feel alive for the night

I have`nt crossed that line but it scareys me I might !