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Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

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Original poster

Living without intimacy

116 replies

adadwithnoname · 16/04/2009 13:33

Of any sort - could you do it? Is anyone doing it? I'm not talking about a choice here. I won't go into my situation, but it's clear to me that there will be no more intimacy in my life. No kisses, no hugs, nothing.

I want to know how other people deal with this, because I honestly do not beleive I am the only one.

OP posts:

themildmanneredjanitor · 16/04/2009 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paddingtonbear1 · 16/04/2009 14:00

In answer to your original question adad, no. I couldn't do it. I would rather be on my own than with a partner where there was no intimacy at all.

mollyroger · 16/04/2009 14:01

you only have to read some of the documented cases from Roumanian orphanages, where babies who grew up with no physical touch turned into very fucked up young people....

Hell, yeah, it's a basic human need!

mollyroger · 16/04/2009 14:01

poignant x-post with MMJ....

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 16/04/2009 14:02

Actually, there have been studies done to show that being touched affectionately or kindly is a basic human need, and people who do not have any close family or friends are sometimes advised to book themselves massage or manicures or hair appointments simply for the benefit of the friendly touching that is a part of these services (I do not mean 'massage' as a euphemism for sex work and I am not suggesting that hairdressers, etc, are making erotic invitations to clients when they shampoo them).
Adad, I have read your other threads as well and suggest you seek counselling of some discription. Your reaction to your wife's behaviour appears to be getting more and more unhealthy and unusual: frankly you are wallowing in martyrdom to the extent that you must be getting something out of it. You won't kick her out, you won't seek another partner, you give the impression that you spend much of your time following her around looking anguished but saying nothing...

OrmIrian · 16/04/2009 14:02

Sex - no big deal (for me anyway)
No physical affection, touching, hugs etc - not possible. I am a physical person and I demonstrate and feel affection largely in that way.

Wildhorses · 16/04/2009 14:04

You stay cos you have DC and everything elsi is fine dad to day stuff

And most of the time you feel you can cope with the way it is.

and that nobody would understand if you left "well he would`nt hold my hand or tell me I looked nice" you get my drift.It sounds daft

And also if your DH does`nt want to you feel why would anybody else

I am even doubting my friendships now
Why would they want to be friends with me?

OrmIrian · 16/04/2009 14:07

I do remember going through a phase when DH was depressed, many many years ago, when he didn't touch me, hug me, kiss me or respond to me at all. I thought it as OK until we took a friend's DD's out for the day and they sat next to me in the car squished up against me, held me hand, gave me hugs....and after we took them home I was bereft and I cried. It helped DH to see how bad things were for both of us.

mollyroger · 16/04/2009 14:07

And FWIW, my mother stayed with my Father for 10 years longer than she ought to have done ''for the sake of the children'', despite my Father being emotionally abusive.

And do you know what?
I hated her for it..

10 years of watching people live separate lives in the same house - but with the addition of constant sniping and bitching and, sometimes violence.
It messed me up so much, I still struggle in the face of conflict, even when I am not directly involved.

And, because she was getting no intimacy/attention with him, she was super-naturally obssessed with me. I felt stifled and smothered..

ilovetochat · 16/04/2009 14:12

no i couldnt live without hugs, kisses or affection. I am not a tactile person with strangers or even friends particularly but i need to be hugged and kissed by my dp to make me feel our relationship is valid, to feel cared about and thats what makes my relationship with dp different from all other relationships.
I grew up with parents who decided to split when i was very young, even discussed it before i was conceived, they never showed each other any affection and i didnt realise how strange/cold it was till i started spending lots of time at other people's houses, then i barely wanted to go home.
if dp no longer wanted sex with me i think i could deal with that as i love him but if he didnt want any intimacy i would know he felt nothing for me and would move on.

everGreensleeves · 16/04/2009 14:13

It's bloody difficult to walk out on a relationship where you love the person, and there are children to consider though - bit mean to suggest he must be getting some sort of masochistic buzz out of it

but agree adad you MUST put an end to this, it's not good for you, for her OR for the children, and there is no future in it.

Being lonely when you are actually alone is a bloody sight less painful than being lonely with someone who doesn't love you.

ilovetochat · 16/04/2009 14:15

mollyroger i can totally relate to that, my mother turned all her attention, affection to me and always told me i was all she loved in the world. as i grew up she always wanted to be with me and know every detail of every conversation, it was stifling, i felt guilty going out, having friends, getting a bf. i felt it was my job to look after her.
I also felt from an early age (primary school) that maybe i knew more than my mom about my dads behaviour and that i should fix things.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 16/04/2009 14:22

It's not 'love' when the other person is entirely indifferent to you, EGS. TBH I am wondering why the wife is staying in this relationship, as well: if she finds him so repulsive she can't even bring herself to give him a friendly pat on the arm then she must be pretty screwed up as well.
I know we are all only sprites on the internet and probably not getting the full story, but something about this particular poster's circumstances as described creeps me out a bit. I think he's going to snap and murder her or something. It is very, very unhealthy to live in a couple-relationship when there is contempt on one side and desperation on the other - when the desperation is this kind of intense martyrdom it becomes even more potentially dangerous.

Wildhorses · 16/04/2009 14:41

Wheres adadwithnoname

I understood where you are coming from

everGreensleeves · 16/04/2009 14:43

I suppose I can see what you mean there SGB, I haven't read the previous threads though. I just thought your phraseology was a tad abrasive (I must be going a bit Pollyanna in my old age)

He does need to give her the boot, one way or another.

Wildhorses · 16/04/2009 15:00

adadwithnoname was asking
Could you live with no intimacy???

Not on should he leave his wife

BCNS · 16/04/2009 15:11

I have lived like this for the past few years tbh.. and sex was the last thing to go.. what do I long for the most.. just a hug.. but hey.. so yes you can live like it. is it nice.. no.. but you can do it.

Original poster

adadwithnoname · 16/04/2009 15:12

Lulu - what on EARTH is immoral therapy? I've no plans to murder anyone, I do think that's a bit strong - and Wild has hit the nail right, dead centre, on the head. Perhaps it seems easier to empathise when a woman expresses how it feels, why you don't give up and leave, and how ashamed you feel not only for not being loved, or lovable, but for all the conflicting feelings and ideas that flood you suddenly, and unpredictably - sometimes you can go days without thinking about it. Exercise helps, but even then it creeps up on you.

Wild - i'm so sorry that someone else knows what I'm talking about, and i hope you don't mind me saying that nevertheless, it helps a bit that there is someone who knows exactly what I am talking about. We can't be the only ones, though obviously we are in a minority of some sort, because of the decisions we have made about what to do and not do.

OP posts:

everGreensleeves · 16/04/2009 15:13

Original poster

adadwithnoname · 16/04/2009 15:25

Wild, I keep reading what you posted an hour or so ago - do you find yourself getting all excited by silly little things too? "Oh, her feet rubbed mine for a couple of minutes last night" and then of course you admit to yourself that she was asleep, it just happened, it doesn't mean anything.

OP posts:

Fizzylemonade · 16/04/2009 15:40

I know that this has been covered but the hugging/touching thing was recently done a few years ago where they found that not only the person who needed the hug benefited but that the person giving the hug also benefited from it.

If I remember correctly it lowered the heart rate on both people and produced some sort of chemical making you feel good.

On the whole issue of could I live without intimacy then the answer is no.

I think that although you have unrequited feelings for your wife, proximity to her is key to both your happiness and unhappiness. Happiness because you are trying to catch any crumb of affection whether accidental or intentional. You have elevated the tiniest detail of touching to orgasmic status.

But ultimately you are unhappy in this situation because the crumbs don't come often enough.

It is easy for people to say leave, but when you are the one who is still in love it must be terribly hard.

And no, I have never been in this situation so I cannot relate. But I have had close friends who have.

Katelyn · 16/04/2009 15:45

I couldnt do it ... I miss my Husband even if he goes out for the night/day....so I would certainly miss him and our closeness if it wasn't around for longer spells.

We spend all day calling and texting and spend all night chatting, stroking eachothers feet or arms or holding hands...then go to bed and have several hugs, kisses and more...

Wildhorses · 16/04/2009 15:56

I don`t know how I feel anymore

But I love it when he looks at me like he used to
Or when he may laugh when I say something funny or he makes me laugh
I would forgive him the last 7 years of celibacy in a heartbeat

But these moments are once in a blue moon

I told my Parents about it all last summer they were/are worried BUT said that we were to go away for a weekend and they would babysit
So its our anniversay next week and we are going away
I feel scared I really dont know what to do either way I will be damned if I do damned if I dont

I feel like clumsy virgin around him now
what if he does hold my hand I dont know how to react it will be like holding a hand of a stranger BUT then if he doesnt hold my hand it will hurt
this is just for an example

What should be taken as normal just is`nt

When you rent that church basement or website let me know

OrmIrian · 16/04/2009 16:04

wildhorses and adad - this is so sad . It makes me grateful for what I have.

Original poster

adadwithnoname · 16/04/2009 16:04

Oh Wild, this is ridiculous isn't it? Even your choice of words resonates - I too wouldn't know what to do if things changed now, it's just too late, I can't remember how it feels, "clumsy virgin" is just about right, not least because I feel like a silly spotty teenager just admitting that I miss intimacy.

If i can work out how to send you my e-mail address or something on here I will, if you want any support, or just someone to rage at.

BUT, please go into the weekend hoping for at least a small step, don't be ashamed or embarrassed, and I will cross my fingers so hard for you that I'll never play the violin again.

OP posts:

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