Living without intimacy

[adadwithnoname]

Of any sort - could you do it? Is anyone doing it? I'm not talking about a choice here. I won't go into my situation, but it's clear to me that there will be no more intimacy in my life. No kisses, no hugs, nothing.

I want to know how other people deal with this, because I honestly do not beleive I am the only one.

[ilovetochat]

if i had a best friend who was sad and lonely and hurt and all they wanted was a cuddle and affection i would gladly give them a cuddle as my love for them as a friend would make me want to cheer them up and help them to be happy.
i can't understand how someone who is supposedly your best friend can treat you this way

[sadforyou]

This is not the way anyone should be living their life, I am on my own due to bereavement,and I know how much I miss a loving touch and my DH didn't choose to leave me bereft like this. You are too young to settle for what she is offering you. Please don't think that holding this together for the children is necessarily the right thing to do. My parents divorced when I was in my late teens, their marriage had been largely sexless and loveless for 10 years by then, and as children we didn't know why there was a problem we just knew there was something wrong. My mother was the one in your position and it nearly destroyed her and she ended up walking out on us for another man as she couldn't face the rest of her life like that. My brother and I were very damaged by this, and one of her biggest regrets is that she didn't end the marriage earlier and in a more considered way. I have cried reading your posts, she is doing this to you and that to me is unforgivable.

[tw1nkley]

adad, if you are staying together for children heed this, my friends m&d stayed together for the child. On her 18th birthday her dad left and the truth came out. a more f'd up person you have never seen. both parents now agree it was a massive mistake.

You get one life. one chance to do whatever you are going to do in this life. Most people regret the things they didn't do rather than the things they did. Get out. run. have a life.

When I was a child I was the only child in my entire group of friends whose parents lived in the same house, were married and happy.

I remember being in my parents house with about 4 of my 13 yr old friends when my mum was defrosting the freezer and stuffed ice down my dads back - as you do! A fight ensued with much giggling on both parts as ice chips flew everywhere, I went to leave and discovered my friends rooted to the spot. None of them had ever seen their parents behave in such a way. Until that day I hadn't realised that I was lucky.

Children need to see normal adult behaviour in order to emulate it in their own relationships. If u are in the situation for the sake of the children, you are not helping them.

good luck.

[expatinscotland]

I take it back.

In answer to the OP: yes.

Her/his cheating and rubbing it in my face: no.

[adadwithnoname]

Hi all

a couple of people have been in touch, and exchanged e-mails - a mutual moaning club, if you like, and actually i think it helps a bit, or at least i hope it does - and anyone else is welcome to as well. It's easier between a few of us, because you can understand eachother if you have the same experience - that informs your vocabulary, and you tend to be less likely to scream "sort yourself out!" if you are in the same sort of position, and of course it's not as easy on a public forum.

WHat surprises me a little is that it's all women. I know this is a womans place, but really, there must be other men in the world who feel this particular loneliness?

I'm not trying to start some sort of selfhelp group, i don't beleive in all that rubbish, but being able to convey difficult to express emotions and frustrations and sadnesses is easier when there is some empathy.

[zmickz]

Hi Guys
Good topic to discuss, I thought I had to be the unluckiest bloke in the world when my other half totally rejected me after she concieved, loads of people told me it was hormonal, she still isn't right and she's into the 3rd part of her trimester.I have been wracking my brains trying to work out what I said or done so to justify her actions to myself, to no avail, I'm not just whinging its as though my other half as been replaced by an insulting hard faced cow, before you couldn't meet a more loving person, so, what do you reckon ? will she change back into a homo sapien or remain an alien, I don't want to hang off the London eye in a spiderman suit to see my little'un when it arrives

[adadwithnoname]

Hello. Just checkimg in really. A few people have suggested counselling, or therapy, and having had some duff counselling i have started to think about "therapy", though i'm not entirely sure what that actually is. What i have found out is that is extraordinarily expensive - one woman came highly reccomended at, er, £150 per hour. I could afford to become a serious drug user more cheaply.

Anyway, no change, nothing awful has erupted, i'm still getting on with it, and i suppose if i think about it i have answered my own question, years ago - you can live without intimacy, it just isn't very nice - and sad songs make you burst into tears on the tube on the way to work....

[Phoenix4725]

If you can live with it good luck but I tried it when was married and in the end ok could just about live with the lack of sex life but when he started to withdraw totaly and becme verycold no intimacy at alland meaning hugs , hand holding just even touch .I could not live with it and the marriage ended

[maltesers]

Here is my opinion Adadwithnoname
Havnt read all this thread but IMHO FWIW you could try smelling absolutely gorgeous, clean shaven not wreaking of booze or fags, etc , hair washed and all showered. I am female and think its irresistible when a man smells lovely. Its not just for one evening mind you , its every day of the week, month , year.
For any man who wants that love and affection my tips are: -
smell gorgeous
wash hair and body every day
clean teeth
show you care
make her a cup of tea with TLc
tell her you care/love her (if you really do)
Tidy the house
Bath the kids
cook the dinner and clean up
And hopefully not crash into bed too exhausted, but if you do just give her a warm cuddle.
It may not happen at first...try a week or 2.
Good Luck

[morningsun]

adad~ sorry you are sad but by living this way you are making this choice~you can't always change a partner,they are a separate person from you and have their own wishes,feelings, desires.
If you want a change and your partner isn't changing,you have to move on,
sorry

[MadameCastafiore]

God wildhorses and OP have a little more respect for yourself and some dignity and go find some happiness - especially if you have kids because letting them see your relationship and think it is the norm is making for a right royal fuck up for all.

Mind you OP I find some of your posts a little weird and groomy - saying you want to have a little group emailing each other.

And OP if you think for one minute your wife is your best friend when she is making you live without even the slight touch to help you through the day you are dillusional! My best friend wouldn't treat me as your wife is you let alone my husband.

[MadameCastafiore]

Sorry for going on but I know that if you were my husband I would think you a little pathetic too which is a huge turn off for being so bloody passive and allowing me to treat you in this way - grow some bollocks and stand up for yourself FGS man.

[morningsun]

agree your tone is very passive~anyway how do you know for sure she doesn't want to split up,it doesn't sound as if you are really together anymore.

[adadwithnoname]

hmm, ok, i stink, i'm a bit wet, and i'm grooming someone or other.

well, i deserve everthing i get.

[Slickbird]

Madame I'm not sure that's very helpful to the OP. I agree he shouldn't put up with it, but it sounds to me like he is just really wanting to know that he is not alone in this situation and that there are others in the same boat. That can make a big difference to a person's psyche, in fact the whole 'raison detre' for Mumsnet is because of an innate need to share thoughts, feelings and experiences so that we do not feel alone.

I think it is a very sad situation for you OP and while it may be inconceivable to leave your wife, esp if you have kids, because, yes that would be devastating to all of you, if you are a decent and deserving human being then you should be with someone who will treat you like that. IMHO

[BelfastBloke]

There's an article on sexless marriage in Salon.

[wildhorses]

That article is spot on
I could of written that myself
Dh decided to stop it all without discussion or my consent
So you are left just like it says

Its the "crossing the line" with another thats scarey as it no longer feels forbidden but my right (which I know it isnt but what are you meant to do if you cant cope with dhs choice)

Crossing that line would be me then breaking up the family
Me having to explain to the dc why we split and it was me that caused it ....crossing the line

Not that their father had decided years ago not to want it anymore
and you are left feeling lonely,hurt and cold and had seeked it elsewhere just to feel alive for the night

I have`nt crossed that line but it scareys me I might !

[EvenBetaDad]

Belfastbloke - I want everyone (man or woman) on MN to read that article to understand why physical/sexual intimacy matters in a relationship. I am especially glad it was written by a woman. I agree with every word.

There is thread after thread after thread on MN where women report having little desire to have sex with DH once kids have come along and how he is pressing for sex and becoming resentful. Also quite a number the other way round so this is not one way traffic.

The comments on many MN threads so often dismiss the the needs of the person who has the higher 'normal' libido. While I strongly agree no one should feel pressured into having sex I do think that after many many months without sex the person with the lower libido has to take some responsibility and seek help work out what is the cause and identify some means of maintaining some kind of physical/sexual intimacy with their DH/DP/DW that is acceptable to both while they fully resolve the problem causing the lower libido. Either that or the person with the lower libido has to be willing to release the other person from their monogomous obligation - even if they remain married or in a partnership for the sake of the children.

As I have written about on MN before, having been in the positon of a man with very low libido because of illness and also been in the position of having a temporarily higher libido than DW after children I know both sides of this story and the loneliness, guilt, and anguish is enormous.

I just could not live in a marriage without physical/sexual intimacy.

[adadwithnoname]

I think what scares me is that i have learned that i can live without intimacy.

[solidgoldSneezeLikeApig]

Abetadad: I have always maintained that when there is a serious libido mismatch, if the person with the low or non-existent libido will not try to change the situation or even discuss it, that person loses the right to onogamy from the other one, end of.

[EvenBetaDad]

solidgold - I thought I might have been going out on a limb there by saying what I said and I did post in some trepidation.

I am pleased to see that at least someone agrees. It is a very tough issue to deal with though. There is no doubt.

[solidgoldSneezeLikeApig]

It is a tricky problem, but it is one that can be solved. However, both partners have to put the effort in when it comes to solving it or at leastfinding a compromise that both can live with. As with any and every relationship problem, though, if one partner finds the situation is OK by him/her and is therefore not prepared to do anything about changing it despite the misery of the other, the relationship is doomed - and quite rightly.

[adadwithnoname]

Personal experience has taught me that it can be something on which there is no compromise position - if she simply doesn't find him attractive, that's all there is too it.

I don't beleive that anyone has the right to intimacy i'm afraid.

[lilacclaire]

It sounds like a soul destroying way to live.

You both deserve to be happy and your children deserve 2 happy parents instead of 2 miserable ones, even if that means you are no longer together.

You sound as if you have no self confidence left. What would you say to one of your children who was in this situation?
Are you going to look back over your life and regret staying and depriving yourself of a loving and happy life?