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Original poster

Living without intimacy

116 replies

adadwithnoname · 16/04/2009 13:33

Of any sort - could you do it? Is anyone doing it? I'm not talking about a choice here. I won't go into my situation, but it's clear to me that there will be no more intimacy in my life. No kisses, no hugs, nothing.

I want to know how other people deal with this, because I honestly do not beleive I am the only one.

OP posts:
Wildhorses · 16/04/2009 16:20

It feels better getting down on here
adadwithnoname you sound like a really nice bloke

I dont think that you and I can be the only two on mumsnet or where ever <strong>I</strong> <strong>really</strong> <strong>dont

Its just not something you talk about in RL
I remember telling a friend once when I was hammered she just laughed thought I was joking.

I don`t want pity I just want to feel loved

Original poster
adadwithnoname · 16/04/2009 16:26

Wild - I think I'm "following" this thread - promise to let me know how things are, how things go, and if something makes you want to scream, scream here, I'll try to get back as quickly as I can.

OP posts:
MrsTittleMouse · 16/04/2009 16:33

I would bet big money that there are a lot of people going through this.
I thought that after DD1's birth that we would not ever be able to have sex again. That alone was very hard, even though DH was very supportive. I can't imagine no hugs either. I agree that it's a basic human need. Friends hug. Is she not even your friend?

Wildhorses · 16/04/2009 16:36

adadwithnoname same to you as well or e-mail

I do believe one way or another it can sorted

I am on here most days under a different name
Funny even though we all have made up names I don`t want to post under my usual name

Original poster
adadwithnoname · 16/04/2009 16:39

Yes, she is my friend - I think that she is my best friend.

OP posts:
solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 16/04/2009 16:41

Adad: What will you do when your wife leaves you? Because I cannot imagine that she is going to stay in this relationship when she doesn't find you sexually desirable, doesn;t love you, doesn't even like you enough to give you a passing hug or a peck on the cheek.

Wildhorses · 16/04/2009 16:56

solid you are bang out of order

People post on here for advice not what you have posted its reads hurtfull and full of spite

We don`t know the full story but adad wife chose to stay when she could have left

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 16/04/2009 17:20

Wildhorses: my post is based on having read ADad's previous posts about his wife's clear and unmistakeable disengagement from the relationship - he seems to be in such utter denial that he is doing himself no favours.

BCNS · 16/04/2009 17:23

actually i agree with SGB.. Like I say i live the no intimacy life .. have done for a good long while.. people do not (generally) stay in these relationships.

it's not for one person to make the other happy.. it's about you making yourself happy.

yes this life sucks, but SBG is making a valid point.. what will adad do when his wife leaves?

and here's a thing. H and I still live together.. until he can afford to move out. He was the one who had affairs, he was the one who won't touch me.. and you know what.. I can't think of a less attractive man in my eyes.. why would I want to be with someone who doesn't deserve me?
I do miss the intimacy though.. but such is life.

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 16/04/2009 17:26

adad , i did not explain myself, and i will try again. sorry it was not clear, i was in a rush

what i meant was, imo, it would be immoral and unethical for a therapist to try to change you to be the sort of person who can accept living like this.

it would also be impossible nad a bad idea to try to change yourself in that way

counselling or therapy would be a good thing to help you find the strength to see you are worth more than this, rather than helping you live in this loveless life

also, you say she is your best friend.

best friends has to be mutual, give and take, you support, nurture , love and cheris each other. one person does not hold all the power, leaving hte other miserable

you are not giving up on her, she has given up on you and the marriage, and nothing oyu can do , can force her to be different

you cannot seperate out her behaviour and her affair from what you are now and how you feel now, it is intrinsically linked

what a shame you feel you are not worth loving. if you did, you would be leaving

it is not like this is a flash in the pan ! you have had a decade of this, compounded by her infidelity, i empathise , but my gut feeling is you should leave and make yourself a new and happy life

i certainly did not mean you should hurt her in any way !!

although you seem to be putting up with being hurt by her, again and again and again

Wildhorses · 16/04/2009 17:32

So should my dh leave then?
he hasnt had an affair He isnt gay

Its the way it is
And I sit here waiting for him to get back to the person I know
maybe like a fool but I don`t want to give up on him NOR do I want to grow old and become bitter because of it
Full of regretts

At times I do dispise him for what hes doing
NOT getting help
Not talking about it
I also know I am letting myself down

adad I have replied but not sure if it got through

Idranktheeasterspirits · 16/04/2009 17:35

I agree with SGB.Your wife is not your best friend, best friends do not behave the way she behaves towards you.

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 16/04/2009 17:36

i thikn sometimes, you cannot get back the person that was once there.

i think adad has had 10 years of this, it is not like he is bailing at the first sign of trouble

both parties need to be involved in working at it and changing

in the case of adad, his wife is unfaithful and is rubbing his nose in it. that for me owuld be a total dealbreaker.

couple that with the lack of intimacy and the feelings of sadness , i could not countenance staying

maybe your DH will be the person he once was? but what if that is 10 years or 20 years down the line? in the meantime you are miserable

you might wake up in 10 years and realise the best years of your life are behind you and were bloody awful

we can't make people into what we want and need.

from my POV, i could not live like that. especially with a partner who would not get help or talk about it

there is no way forward , it won;t resolve itself, so leaving is a way out.

obviously a v v v personal decision, but i would not want my children seeing me in misery , and a husband who gave me no affection or contact.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 16/04/2009 17:37

Wildhorses: why do you think that your H matters so much more than you? You say you don't want to give up on him, yet it sounds as though he has given up on you and on the relationship and simply can't be arsed to end it.
Please believe that your wishes and feelings and needs are just as important as his are, and when he refuses to discuss the issue or get help, what he is demonstrating is that, actually, he doesn't care about your needs. He doesn't really care about you. He thinks he is the important one and you are pretty much irrelevant.

expatinscotland · 16/04/2009 17:37

Only read the OP.

Nope, couldn't do it.

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 16/04/2009 17:39

solidgold, she keeps saying it so much better!!!

it might be unpalatable , but it is true

also, the whole best friends thing, that is so sad.

and shows no real understanding of how relationships dynamics should really be

you can want someone to be your best friend, and hope and think and wish they are, but it does not make it so, and from the behaviour described on previous threads, his wife is treating him like her worst enemy

BCNS · 16/04/2009 17:40

again totally agree with lulu and sbg.. people like this are not your your friends, they don't care about you, they don't make you happy and they probably quite enjoy watching you scuffle about with your needy hands out waiting for the master to throw a little of what you need your way.. utter control freaks.

Wildhorses · 16/04/2009 17:55

Actually I do think you are right about
"control freaks" been thinking about that for a while

daisybaby · 16/04/2009 18:13

Have you heard of Maslow's hierarchy of needs?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs

Touch and intimacy ARE basic human needs. You deserve to experience them, and your children deserve to live in an environment where adults display them as normal behaviour.

frogwatcher · 16/04/2009 18:14

I dont know the history on this and from what I have read, this wont be of interest to adadwithnoname. But I will say it all the same - I could live without intimacy. I love my dh, even think he is attractive, funny and a very very good person - in most ways the perfect man. I wouldnt want anybody else. But I am happier without intimacy and dont like to be touched, felt, hugged, kissed etc. Its always been a small issue between us but we survive with a little give and take. But maybe the difference is we still love each other - he would rather be with me than anybody else even with my 'coldness'. I am far more motivated and happier if I live within my own personal space with no other adult invading it. But i cuddle my children to bits.

Pan · 16/04/2009 19:40

I do hope my now it is def. established in your brain that you are not weird or a freak.

mollyroger · 16/04/2009 19:51

{hijack! Pan! Haven't 'seen' you for ages...}

Original poster
adadwithnoname · 16/04/2009 20:26

sorry Pan - was that to me?

OP posts:
Pan · 16/04/2009 20:35

Hi molly!

yes adad, it was. I am a qualified masseure, and one of the basic needs of life is indeed to be touched, physically at least. We ARE generally touch-deprived in this country. in answer to your OP, no I couldn't live without intimacy either. To read your messages is truely heart-rendering to me. When I have been single I have craved to be touched ( even howled like a dog one night!), so do utterly empathise.
And am pretty confused by the notion of her being your best friend. From what you say she clearly isn't.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 16/04/2009 20:37

OK, some people are considerably less tactile than others and really don't need -or like - much in the way of touching. However, if these people enter into relationships they generally have ways of making a partner feel cared for and make an effort to meet the partner's needs in other ways. Because a relationship that's worth having involves both partners doing their best for the other partner, not just shrugging off a partner's wishes because they themselves are happy with the status quo.