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Dadsnet

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Original poster

Is she having an affair

64 replies

upsetdad · 28/12/2008 23:21

I do not want to make anyone else re live their own misery, but I have noticed certain things about my Wife that I think suggest that there is someone else in her life, and rather than list them all, I hoped maybe someone could tell mw what they think "the signs" are - I'm actually pretty certain there is someone else, and the question is not even "how long has it been going on" but "what do I do".

She obviously doesn't want to leave, I do not want her to leave, so how do I pretend it isn not happening?

Namechange, obviously.

OP posts:

ThomcatIsForLifeNotJustForXmas · 28/12/2008 23:53

If I was having an affair and thought that DP suspected and did nothing it would drive me further away. Sorry, but I believe that would truly be te case.

Knowing I'd hurt him and he still wanted me would make me want to fight for what I had.

Just my personal opinion.

maidenvoyage · 28/12/2008 23:56

I truly believe that if someone can cheat in the most intimate way then they have no respect and thats that

maidenvoyage · 28/12/2008 23:56

I truly believe that if someone can cheat in the most intimate way then they have no respect and thats that

thumbElf · 28/12/2008 23:56

And mine, Thomcat. I would not want to stay if DH didn't think I was worth fighting for.

DaddyJ · 28/12/2008 23:58

Hold on, before confronting her I would try and gather some hard evidence first.
Until then: pretend.

If someone can cheat, they can probably lie, too.

maidenvoyage · 28/12/2008 23:59

is this not about some sort of self respect and no i am not a bitter woman who has had a husband cheat it happened a long long time ago and we are now friends for the sake of the kids but I know that i would never put up with that situation again. It is to personal a act

maidenvoyage · 29/12/2008 00:02

Ok when the evidence is there when do you stop pretending that everything is ok. When your heart is broken and the kids are crying for the mother/father.

MrsMerryHenry · 29/12/2008 00:03

poor you.

If you pretend, you'll allow the possibility that your relationship may end.

If you tackle it, you'll have a chance of not only saving your relationship, but making it better than ever - with help, though, I think you should definitely get professional help.

Even if she's not having an affair it sounds like there are problems which you should both tackle together with a pro.

A relationship counsellor I know of says that he's never counselled a couple whose marriage couldn't be saved.

Best of luck.

ThomcatIsForLifeNotJustForXmas · 29/12/2008 00:09

An affair may, possibly be a shout for some attention. A desperate attempt, subconciously, to make you stand up and pay her attention. Possibly????

People survive affairs. Some people may even come through them and be happier and closer because of them?????

It doesn't have to end with screaming rows and locks being changed.

If it were me I think I might like my DH to say, in so many words, 'I know you're not happy, I know things are hard but lets work at this, I don't want to lose you, whatever it is, we can get through this, please don't give up on us, lets talk'.

Or I might even go as far to say that I'd want him to ask me right out and then tell me that he wanted to get trough this. Giving me the opportunity to be angry at him and then working through it.

Whatever happens I hope it ends happily.
Sorry you are going through this.

Desiderata · 29/12/2008 00:20

The very fact that you'd rather not know is the very reason she's having an affair.

Get a grip, man.

MrsMerryHenry · 29/12/2008 00:21

Hmm...Desiderata, I hope your 'get a grip' comment wasn't intended to be entirely devoid of human feeling...it certainly comes across that way!

Desiderata · 29/12/2008 00:43

Yes, it was probably meant to be totally devoid of human feeling.

A man who who would rather avoid his wife's affair than face up to is, is a man who's wife will have an affair.

I guess she senses a lack of feeling .. and that always works both ways.

MrsMerryHenry · 29/12/2008 00:48

Hmm...interesting approach, then! Can't see how it could be effective!

Desiderata · 29/12/2008 01:02

Because every woman wants a man who will fight for her.

It's quite simple, and it's why she's having an affair.

Because he won't.

alipiggie · 29/12/2008 03:00

Sorry upsetdad - but you should really talk to her about how you feel. My Ex H never ever talked and instead he went off and had the affair. If you love her don't give up on the relationship. I would not wish what I've been through on anyone.

Fizzylemonade · 29/12/2008 14:54

It could be early stages and pretending it isn't happening may mean that things progress whilst you gather evidence.

It could just be getting more attention and it's a bit flattering.

My best friend had an affair and her husband knew but acted like it wasn't happening, she believed he just didn't care any more.

Please please don't ignore it. Fight for her, please.

Leo9 · 29/12/2008 15:38

I think there is alot in what desi says. The fact that you're wondering, and waiting, etc etc shows that there is a huge lack of communicating going on. When a relationship is working, you confide in each other - you're kind of compelled to, because your partner is your closest person. I think your approach is symptomatic of a breakdown of communication.

What I would do, if like you I wasn't sure I wanted to know, would be to start communicating, confiding, talking. I imagine relationships can be re-built from here without ever needing to know any details of what may be going on, if both partners have the will for it.

bronze · 29/12/2008 15:43

Bear in mind though she might not be having an affair and if you pretend and let something fester over a thing thats not even real then you could be the one destroying the relationship.

If its things like being on the phone more, new clothes and going out more have your children reached the age where she can have a bit more freedom or something like that?

CatMandu · 29/12/2008 15:56

I can understand your desire to maintain the status quo. Fortunately I haven't been in your situation, but I suspect I'd wish that I didn't know and being that isn't the case then the next option is to pretend you don't know.

However, what everyone else says is true, hard, but true. I would be very turned off by a man who knew but didn't act. There are two reasons why, firstly is that logically if he didn't fight for me then he surely isn't that bothered. Secondly that if he didn't fight then there's something a bit pathetic that isn't very manly. Yes, I know how that reads in these days of sexual liberation, but men and women are different. A lot of women like the feeling of being desired and protected by a strong man.

I think you are in a very difficult place if what you suspect is true, but you need to act - as hard as it may be.

Flihgtattendant · 29/12/2008 16:04

'The very fact that you'd rather not know is the very reason she's having an affair.

Get a grip, man.'

Desi, I hope you're not suggesting he's to blame? What about the women on here who would rather not face the possiblity...do you think it justifies the shitty bloke who is cheating on them, because they are being passive about it?

AtheneNoctua · 29/12/2008 16:08

If my DH was having an affair, I wouldn't fight for him. I would kicj his sorry ass out. An affair is not an appropriate cry for help. It is a blatant betrayal.

Do you actually want to remain married to this weak and selfish woman?

I have very little tolerance for anyone who doesn't take every detail of the marriage vow seriously.

I would:

Quietly gather proof.
Confront her.
Kick her out.

mayorquimby · 06/01/2009 15:06

well your doing it already so prolem solved.
se's sleeping around and you're igoring it.
according to the op this is the sitution you want.

grow a pair and kick her out.

Original poster

upsetdad · 07/01/2009 09:56

Oh, it's all so simple now you put it like that, thanks.

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 07/01/2009 10:21

The fact that your wife is probably having an affair does not mean your marriage is necessarily over. From the sounds of things, you do not want your marriage to end and you seem to believe that ignoring the tell-tale signs of an affair will somehow make the affair go away. Wrong.

Start moving in on your wife. Don't be weak, be strong. Pay more attention to yourself as well as to her and your children. Take initiatives - suggest things to do as a couple and as a family. Be the motor of your family life. Affairs are often to do with tedium - break the habits of your relationship and do new things.

CatIsSleepy · 07/01/2009 10:31

upsetdad you have to talk to her
i don't mean confront her or anything like that
just talk, the two of you, about your own relationship
otherwise you will drift and drift apart and one day it may be too late to do anything
if she sees you are worried it may give her a kick up the bum -otherwise she is just free to carry on, even if she knows it's wrong, do you see what i mean?
i know it's easier to do nothing but it your relationship is worth saving, you need to do something

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