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The Housework Row -Dads I need your help!

74 replies

saintpeta · 23/06/2008 14:45

I have had this recurring row with my dh who has this idea that I do too little housework at home while he is at work. I know because I am at home that I am working like a dog! -its so infuriating that he thinks otherwise. He refuses to do anything at home although when we didn't have kids it was balanced. I can't stand these stupid arguments as he always threatens to leave and i always say go then...but then we get back to normal again the next day. There is no compromise with him and I welcome your opinion-any thoughts?

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micci25 · 23/06/2008 17:11

lol if could actuallly see my carpet you would know why i hoover so much!!! vaxing is done now and its still black!! its meant to be green [yuck emoticon] rented house, moving soon and will have nice laminates!! i dont hoover under things, that only happens once a week!! when dp is in to move the sofa for me!

i am in manic cleanin mode atm as everything built up while dp was off work! i refused to clean while he was sat on his arse so no one did anything. till i had my meltdown!!

i seem to have one those houses that is never clean no matter how much is done. but i do make things harder for myself. i cant do just half a job. if i wash up i have to clean worktops. if there is a little spill i have to hoover the whole carpet. if i clean the dog muck out of the yard i ahve to bleach the yard even when it doesnt really need doing and i am being paraniod about fleas atm so am putting flea powder down every night so carpet needs hoovering before dc's get up!

my house is also tiny with no storage so makes keeping things tidy v difficult as nothing has a proper 'home' to be put into! and the dds dont have a wardrobe as there is no space. so thier clothes are constantly everywhere, well all over my room anyway!

i agree that if i have i had a 'normal' way of running things then it would be easier and dp wouldnt be moaned at to help so much! but he would still be expected to help

bozza · 23/06/2008 17:34

micci why do you hoover before breakfast if it is going to need hoovering after breakfast?

StrictMachine · 23/06/2008 17:37

Laminates are not nice to clean, easy yes, but not nice.

Sounds like you have more issues than the cleaning, if you don't mind me saying.

bozza · 23/06/2008 17:38

LOL at only hoovering under things once a week. I only hoover under things once a year. Maybe I am a slut. I started spring cleaning in January and so far have done the living room, dining room and toilet.

LittleMyDancing · 23/06/2008 17:48

If you're a slut bozza then so am I. We hoover under things when we move house

LivingLaVidaLurker2 · 23/06/2008 17:49

I agree with edam here - I am a sahm and dh works full-time. I accept that 'managing the house' is my job until I return to work. However, why should my job be seven days a week and every waking hour? Sorry, saintpeta, I know this is no help to you - just that I feel in a very similar position at the moment!

LivingLaVidaLurker2 · 23/06/2008 17:49

That should read, until I return to paid work.

imoscarsmum · 23/06/2008 17:53

Hoovering under furniture?!! Why on earth would anyone do that. I hoover under things when we change them - new sofa every 10 years or so maybe?
Life is just waaaaay too short.
I work full-time and I agree that going to work is easier than looking after LOs - I actually get a lunchbreak and I can sit down and read the paper!

bozza · 23/06/2008 18:02

When I work I get a lunch break which I spend ordering the shopping online, doing the banking, rushing to return something to the shop, buying birthday presents etc. Not sat eating lunch.

Aefondkiss · 23/06/2008 19:33

article

this is an American article I read, which is long, but is about the whole sharing domestic/childcare stuff, I thought it was interesting reading.

saintpeta · 24/06/2008 12:15

Thank you all - I agree with many of you here Livinglavidalurker2, micci25, squonk -now this is what i propose to do. When I wash clothes I will put all kids & my clothes away dh clothes will be in a bin liner for him to put away at his leisure, there will be no more morning tea and cereal/toast for dh -that luxury has gone for him now, I will continue to cook for him evening meal but he will have to serve himself. I am not planning to tell about the 3 new changes they are just going to happen and there will be no animosity about it. I'll see how i get on and update you later
thanks again all wish me luck (or tell me that i am making it worse)....mad meldowns are damaging my health!!

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Twelvelegs · 24/06/2008 12:34

I wonder how you would feel if he gave you an allowance that only included money for the children???
Obviously when you all eat together he should help and at weekends, but not putting his clothes away...I feel sorry for your dh.

EustaciaVye · 24/06/2008 12:39

I would skip the bin liner for his clothes and just put them on a pile on his side of the bed. My DH has to put his clothes away before he can get into bed

scattyspice · 24/06/2008 12:54

I can't believe anyone really hoovers 3 times a day. Life is way to short!

scattyspice · 24/06/2008 12:55

I work 5hrs/day and do about 30mins housework/day (before work, after tea). Thats plenty.

saintpeta · 24/06/2008 14:04

Allowance what are you talking about ? i pay for phone,internet, water, electric, rent, tv licence, garage and everyday shopping, he pays his loans , big food shopping and petrol car maintenance,- twelvelegs i feel sorry for him to an extent too but he is leaving me no choice right now. i do all the kids stuff to do with school& nursery (they are 2 & 4), i organise all the bills payments, i work voluntary 2 morns in the school (they may give me a job x fingers) i'm applying for jobs inbetween, the way i see it he needs to understand the amount of work there is to do at home and he refuses to believe it. As a drastic move I amnow considering going to work fulltime in sept and so my little one will have to go full-time at nursery which i don't agree with i would prefer to stay at home with him p/t but for the sake of our relationship dh will be forced to do 50:50 and this will be the compromise. Off to put away clothes now....

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Toadinthehole · 24/06/2008 16:47

I've seen these discussions before, and they're pretty much always fuelled by people's unsubstantiated impressions of how much housework their partners do.

My view is:

  1. each partner should each do as much as (s)he is able.
  2. the partner who prefers the house more tidy should put the exta work in.
  3. fair division is up to individual couples.
  4. Watch the martyr complex. You probably do less housework than you think, and your partner probably does more.

My father never did housework. He didn't even clear away his breakfast dishes. He left early, worked long hours and was exhausted and bad tempered when he arrived home. he was far more exhausted than my mother (3 sons, 1 daughter) was when he returned. Quite right that mum did the housework despite us kids.

colditz · 24/06/2008 16:52

Depends on the job.

Someone who is planting trees for eleven hours a day is not going to be asked to hoover when they get home. Someone who is pottering around with a file in one hand and a mug of tea in the other hand will be.

micci25 · 24/06/2008 17:06

agree colditz, but i still think that the one who works should do a part, even if small and should definately look after themsleves re clothes in wash basket, plates out after use etc.

my dp has a relaxed job, well he sits on his butt all day answering phones, but finds it stressfull as he hates his job, feels undervalued ect. i dont ask him to do any proper cleaning when he comes in, but i dont see why he cant wash the pots after dinner. and do things with the kids and small amounts of housework on weekends.

and i really do need to hoover that much i only had two hours sleep last night, due to dd1s imaginary sunburn, so have hardly done anhything and cant even remember where hoover is right now and you cant see my floor (that was washed yesterday) for squashed cheerios, moonsand and various other crumbs...

if you are going to make changes like that, sweetpea, then id suggest....
clothes are not washed unless they are in wash basket
if he wants a certain shirt for a certain he has to do that himself
there is nothing stopping him making his own breakfast, so agree with that one. unless of course he is willing to do yours on the weekends?

on a weekend he should do at least some small chores...vacuum upstairs? do a load of ironing? change bedsheets? give him a list and let him pick what he doesnt mind so much.

good luck x

bozza · 24/06/2008 21:39

I agree put his clothes on his side of the bed. Bin bag is a bit confrontational IMO. DH does that with my clothes sometimes.

UnquietDad · 24/06/2008 21:50

Although some pottering, coffee-drinking, file-brandishing jobs are a bit more than they seem, and some tree-digging jobs are less.

Twelvelegs · 25/06/2008 08:01

Oh you work as well, well then that's different!!

saintpeta · 30/06/2008 10:46

A week has passed and I have received the help I need! It worked - he put his own clothes away last night -(took him a while)-he served himself up his own dinner all week and has started asking me if I want tea and toast in the morning.....can't believe those witholding measures had to be put in place to get some co-operation it felt like i was administering training procedures...its a happy household again
Thanks for all your comments and support

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waffletrees · 12/07/2008 17:28

My Dh is a chef and works a 12 hour day 5 days a week so I don't expect him to do much housework. Infact when he is home I would rather he entertained the DCs (because they are getting on my nerves by this point) whilst I can tidy in peace.

Having said all that if I ask him to hoover or whatever he will do it. But the one thing that annoys me is I have to ask. Why can't he use his iniative?

when I go back to full time work I am going to get a cleaner.

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