The Housework Row -Dads I need your help!

[saintpeta]

I have had this recurring row with my dh who has this idea that I do too little housework at home while he is at work. I know because I am at home that I am working like a dog! -its so infuriating that he thinks otherwise. He refuses to do anything at home although when we didn't have kids it was balanced. I can't stand these stupid arguments as he always threatens to leave and i always say go then...but then we get back to normal again the next day. There is no compromise with him and I welcome your opinion-any thoughts?

It took most of the day, yes. After 6 months, DS would still only nap if out in the buggy, so out walking for at least 2 hours a day. He needed attention all the time - no tv and I don't like it for young kids anyway. And he was waking every couple of hours at night until 15 mo. So yes, hard work and not surprising not much housework got done onthe days I'm at home.

Incidentally, DH works from home and looks after DS 1/2 days a week and I don't expect him to do much housework on those days either.

was at home

more gets done now because he's older an happy to trot along after me when cleaning etc.

Ah, but UQD, noone says to someone going to work (whether male or female) 'What do you do all day in that job, anyway?'

and seeker - people at work don't spend every second working, either, some of it they're making tea, gossiping in the kitchen or taking their lunch break.

I think some people do get asked what they do all day at work, to be fair...

38 hours housework a week? Who seriously does that much unless they live in a 20 bedroom mansion??

I often look up at office blocks and think "What on earth are all those people DOING all day!"

How rude, in that case!

But, iyswim, there isn't an assumption that while someone's at work they can also take on lots of other jobs, which seems to be the assumption made when people say 'Why isn't the house clean when you're at home all day'

If we assume that looking after DCs is a full time job (and let's park that discussion for a moment) then it's a bit like saying to the working person 'Why haven't you booked our holiday/renewed our insurance/found a present for MIL, you're in front of a computer all day'?

But i still maintain that there isn't a right answer - there's what people are willing to do to keep each other happy without making themselves miserable. It's not about totting up who does what on a points system.

But surely it depends on your personal parenting philosophy and how relaxed your kids are?

Once my DC were past the newborn stage I had enough time to keep the house fairly tidy and clean. They used to enjoy watching me/joining in (depending on their ages) and I thought it was important for them to learn how to help, when they were old enough.

BUT a) they were both quite relaxed kids and didn't demand attention every 30 seconds and b) even if they had, they wouldn't have got it, since I come from the school of cheerful neglect when it comes to childrearing.

Having said that, I now work full time (as does DH) so we're splitting the housework and it's done wonders for our agreement on what constitutes an acceptable level of cleanliness

Besides, some jobs are more demanding than others, some children are more demanding than others, you have to find our own individual solution.

Snap! Littlemydancing

jodie that is everything from cooking to grocery shopping including cleaning etc, but before caring for children.

here's what we do, and how we get over that argument:

He works full time and I stay at home with the kids and I do all the housework.

I don't ask him to do anything at all, if he chooses to, then that's up to him, but he is not asked to do ANYTHING.

However... if he is not happy with the way I have done the house, he can get off his lazy arse and do it himself. If he wants to have the luxury of having all his housework done for him, then he is NOT allowed the luxury of complaining about it - I am not a hired help and will not be treated as one.

Every so often he will whinge that the floor hasn't been hoovered in ages (it has, it just doesn't look like it has) and I will say "do you want me to get it and plug it in for you, or can you manage to find it?" If he thinks the bathroom is dirty, I give him a cloth and some bleach.

He soon came around to thinking that living an an okay-ish house is a helluva lot better than having to actually do anything.

Good luck.

xx

I don't spend anywhere near 38 hours a week doing housework. I order shopping online, cook from scratch but don't spend too long cleaning. I do as much as I can around 3 young children and keep the place tidy but 38 hours seems like loads.

I think it is an average! so some sahm must spend more time at all these mundane tasks

if we all sat our children in front of the elcetronic babysitter we'd all have pristene houses...... and chidren with square eyes, no ability to play etc etc etc....

I know that's an exageration but really - "Toddlers watch TV".... I'd rahter have a messy house and bad spelling than have nickleodeon on all day, or CBeebies

I find this idea that the person who does paid work is entitled to never lift a finger rather odd, tbh. Does the working partner spend 18 hours a day at work? If not, why on earth should the one at home be expected to carry on rushing round once the other parent is in the house?

If the paid worker sleeps in the bed, eats from the plates, drinks out of the cups, walks across the floor etc. etc. etc. then changing the sheets, washing up and hoovering are all as much their responsibility as they are the SAHM/D's.

if you include childcare then i probably do more hours 'work' than dp who works 38 hours a week!

i get up at between 6 and 7 am thats my time for a coffee and to wake up properly. but i also put a load of washing in if there is any (which there usually is) and check if there is any washing up if there is i do that and i hoover the living room. so there is half an hour before dp is even out of bed.

i get the dc's up and give them both breakfast between 8 and 8 30. usually have to hoover again after breakfast and wash up breakfast pots. dress both dc's and if dp is on lates i occassionally do a cooked breakfast for him if not he at least gets a coffee before he leaves for work.

then is general going around tidying. putting away toys and clothes.

lunchtime for dd1 is half eleven and then its hair done, face washed and nursery. after which dd2 gets her dessert (she never finishes in time to have this before nursery)
wash up lunch pots. hoovering usually needs doing again after lunch! dd2 might have a nap if she does i usually try and vax the carpet (both dcs have a habit of throwing food on the floor which gets trodden in by dd1 or myself).

after all this its time to pick up dd1 and take her to dancing. after dancing (5:30pm)its time to cook dinner for dc's and after that its time to cook dinnner again this time for me and dp. dp will wash up while i put dcs to bed at about 7:30pm.

after this there is still the washing to take out, iron and put away. and usually put another load in! (inc towels, bed linen, blankets ect there is usually washing to do every day)

and that only includes the things that need doing everyday without fail. i didnt mention anything about cleaning bathroom, kitchen, making beds, washing windows, playing with dc's etc.... my job is non stop...and no i am not just sat here on mn while dp is at work, my laptop runs in the background and i take 5 mins here and there. am actually in the middle of vaxing the living room but vax is annoying me as its a bit broken so am having a break!

micci25 just reading your post made me want to sit down and brew a pot of tea.

You are pushing yourself too much. There's never a need to hoover three times a day. And vax daily. Ever.

Toddlers watch TV - it was me said that. There is a difference between plonking in front of the electronic baby sitter and 15 minutes CBeebies while you have a shower, or run the hoover round. Frankly I didn't think it was necessary to make the distinction - I was obviously wrong.

lol i dont vax daily. dd2 rarely naps anymore during the day so i just do it when i can. and i have one of those awfull carpets that never looks as though its been hoovered no matter how many times a day you do it!!! anyway im out of my mood with my vax so going to get back to it before dd2 wakes up!

lol seeker. dd has to get in the shower with me while i have a shower. or else she stands outside it and keeps opening the door. she is 2. and as for hoovering she screams the whole time with terror. thankfully she goes to nursery two afternoons when i go to work early, so i get 2 hours a week to clean a bit, hoover a bit, and so on.

mostly dh and i do house stuff at the weekend. so one of us has her for a coupld of hours while the other does the house.

dh works 6am-3pm
i work 5pm-11pm
i have dd in the day, he has her in the evening.

Micci, you are doing too much hoovering, StrictMachine is right!

I only hoover downstairs twice a week. But my days used to be similar to yours (until I bought a dishwasher and dd went to full-time school) When ds starts school later this year I will have about 7 years worth of tidying/decluttering to tackle though (not joking either)

Housework is separate from child care imo (although it obviously overlaps) and that is often the issue which starts the arguements in our house.

Agree with much of what LittleMyDancingSays.

Come on be honest, if you really wanted to who hasn't got time to clean the house in a whole day, even in a school day??
I don't because I'm lazy, time on MN, time drinking coffee with friends..... time when dd is in bed.

Anyone with a small baby that never sleeps maybe you have an excuse or a child that has greater needs than most. But there are times in my day when I should be cleaning, when dd is asleep or busying herself or even when she engaging with me that I could get on with it, but I choose not to..... never tell DH that though!!

When dh arrives home if it's earlyish we eat together, if late our dinner is prepared so I can cook whilst he spends time bathing and putting the children to bed. We share putting dinner things away and any chores which arise in the evening. He used to do more when dcs 1&2 were little because they were close inge and again post section having had dd1 who screamed most of her waking time and I wasn't sleeping (for 8 months!) but I would feel like I were taking the piss now.

close in age