am i right/oversensitive?

[stickyj]

OK, male opinion needed here. Very small nutshell, dh nasty, spiteful, picky, heavy handed with kids. physically with kids when he hasn't had sex? Example-last night I let littlest one (9) stay up to watch Eurovision. Asked Dh to get him to bed at 11.15pm when it had finished. Got woken up at 1.30am by ds4 climbing into my bed, wide awake, saying that Dad was asleep and he'd been watching cartoon tv since 11.15 until now! I told him to get climb into my bed and sleep. Next thing, DH shouting at door to DS4 telling him to get out! Apparently he'd woken up at 1am, put littlest one into bed and gone for a wee. I just said that DS4 had come into bed right at that moment 'cos he'd been awake until 1am and couldn't sleep. DH launched straight into "Oh, that's my fault is it?" speech and then shoved littlest one out of our room, pushing him hard as he went. Littlest one angry and crying and I just said "Well, he was supposed to go up at 11is, maybe he's overtired" and all hell let loose. DH spiutting venom at me, slamming doors downstairs and making DS cry. I just lay in bed and prayed that it wouldn't be one of those night where he came upstairs and had a go at me about sex in general, me being frigid etc etc etc...Maybe once a month? TBH I am dog tired , won business but when he's sarcastic, slapping kids, nasty etc I close up and don't want to know. Today I haven't spoken much to him, left him in bed til 11am 'cos it's easier not to row. How can any man admit, to their dw's face that if they have sex they won't be spiteful, smack kids around, be generally sarcastic wtihout making themwselves look small, pathetic and needy? They have hands,...wtf!? I am being made to feel guilt, but if he has a problem with me he shouldn't take it out on the kids, right?

Bump

He sounds like a total arse!
How dare he use the lack of sex excuse for bulling the kids.....this has made my blood boil.
I bet his behaviour really makes you want to have sex with him now does't it.Bloody pig.
Ok,rant over.

I am female but on reading through this my intial feeling it is nothing to do about sex and everything to do with him being a violent bully.

Sorry if that is too blunt. You are not at fault. Your dcs are not at fault. He is.

Briefly sticky, it sounds like a horribly stressed man - as defined by "I really don't want this right now" - and lashing out as a practice, giving his problem to someone else.

As a bloke, as you ask, there is NO excuse to lash out at a loved one, especially children. He feels his inadequacy and hates himself for it. How he comes to admitting this, I don't know. Sorry. What's the history here. Has he been violent before? Was there booze involved??

I'm just sad that I know if we have sex now, he'll be totally defferent tomorrow,. He will be all nicey with me and not shout at anyone. He keeps trying to kiss me and I know he's desperate and desperate for long, nice kisses but it has the opposite effect on me, I keep saying "just hug me etc" but it laways has to turn into something else and then I pull away, he stomps off and I feel guilty 'cos I know it's going to build up until he "blows". When we do, it's fine, really but I am sooo tired all the time and resent the fact that my behaviour sexuallyt impacts on family life and the kids. The worst thing is, I think I'm coming on tonight and whilst I feel relief in one way, I know tomorrow is going to be worse. This has nothing to do with being being a an OK guy, he cooks, helps ou etc but I don't think our sex life should govern the houisehold happiness. I'm a bit afraid of him too, he knows this and if we're having a row and he's drunk, he won't shut up.

He might claim it is to do with sex, but sorry I think it is more than that.

To be blunt, if sexual frustration really causes him to behave in such an aggressive manner, then he needs to take responsibility for "sorting it out himself" iykwim.

You need to leave him or (preferably) get him out of the house. The sex is irrelevant, the problem is that he thinks he can hit the children - and you - to get his own way. Get in touch with Women's Aid, find out your rights and either give him a final warning that the next time he's violent to the children he;s out, or just kick him out (the police can and will remove a violent man from the house and a court order can be obtained to stop him from returning).

He is psychologically abusive. He's making you think that unless you let him have sex on your body, he will make everyone in the house miserable and will hurt them. Basically this man is saying to you 'I will beat the children unless you let me use your body for sex.' How loving does that make you feel? Get rid of him, this behaviour is entirely unacceptable.

Well if it's all about relieving his 'tension' he needs to take himself off to the bathroom and sort himself out.

There's no excuse for bullying you or the children.

Pan, he is aggressive and I shout too. I there is stress in the household but if I'm being fair to me, I shout 'cos the kid are fighting/haven't done homework etc. He just blows up, then when he does, says that I've asked him to deal with the kids and not to critisize when he does. I'm sorry, but he goes over the top and sometimes I do intefere because he's shouting and the neighbours can hear. If he's done things earlier, then it wouldn't haven't escalted. I have got trodden down a bit and today have really tried to keep quiet, to see if it's it's me/hormones etc. Everything I say is taken out of conetxt/he feels the same I think. I am treading on eggshells all the time. My theory on life is, we both have kids, we both work. Yes, you cook lots but I do all the school phonecalls, etc. He just launches off into one and now the kids call him Mr Grumpy too

This might sound really harsh but actually to coerce someone into having sex (i.e. by threatening that the children will come to harm if you don't consent) well some people might define that as rape. I don't say that lightly btw.

OK hang on. He's not children bashing. He's just shouty and over the top. Yes, he shouts a lot but he also takes them out. He's just not consistent with them. We are having alot of problems with the eldest and also my Dad, who has dementia. We are both very stresses. But I feel like sometimes he hasn't grown up. He feels like I don't appreciate how brill he is at his job, he is a brill "...."(Can't say for obvious reasons on here) and I am proud of him. I just feel weary, he still makes me laugh sometimes, but mostly he sleeps downstairs now (becauise I might say no and make a fuss) and I sleep better without him.

No, No...he dopesn't say the children will come to harm. OMG if he read this he would say that MN overreacting again. He just lets me know that he's frustrated..big time. It's me that's saying that life is sooo much more pleasant when we "have" IYKWIM. The atmosphere is different...in the morning and he's all nicey to me. He's a good man, I do love him but it's just this sex thing. To him, it's not just a sex thing..it's a big thing. That's why I posted on dadsnet. I wondered if the replies would make him feel differently about me. I have quoted Mnetters about sex but he just says that telling him everyone else doesn't do it much either doesn't help. I suppose it's the resentment that makes me unwilling to help him out either IFKWIM. He does ask me "nicely" and I'm not going into detials here to mess around, but |I just feel that him being nasty and frustrated dy=uring the day with bitchy comments, doesn't always help me to "lend a hand" I feel pressured and resentful but we've been through a lot together and i love hom

If you are 'treading on eggshells' all the time then your relationship is unhealthy and your partner is abusive. IT does sounds like you are all in a stressful situation (caring for a person with dementia is exhausting), but for your partner to make things worse by making the mood of the household totally dependent on whether or not he is getting his own way, is unhelpful and unacceptable.

I just re-read my first post. H|e doesn't "smack the kids around" sorry, that's OTT. BUT he does get aggressive with the 15yr old, and yes I do inetfere 'cos he's out of order. Why does he have to get into his face and then because the 15yr olds getting to him, push/shove/smack him? Yes, I have smacked him too but i@m fairly small, have bitterley regretted it and feel like a crap mum afterwards. He's turned on me and told me that he cam't do right for wrong, I told him to dort DS2 out but I didn't mean that way. Then we have a row, he just drinks more and sleeps on the sofa. I have had problem with his drinking (i drink too but have never done things like ripping up photos, being supposedly locked out, hammering on doors and sobbling whilst not realising that the patio doors which I came out from were open] and constantly shouting. I have told him to cut down on his booze, I have no excuse 'cos I drink too, but I stop and he doesn't.

yes, stay with him, I'm sure all your children need to learn how to be a violent and manipulative alcoholic.

Oh wait, that's not what you want them to learn....

He's being abusive. You know this.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

I don't know what to think any more. I am always thinking ahead. Are we going to/shall I have a shower etc etc. Most of the time he's asleep, but I don't sleep well when he's there. Don't get me wrong, if I'm in the mood/things are right, he's good. Really good and would play for hours sorting me out first... When we dom it's OK but it's such a touchy subject that it's become a big thing.

Go to Relate then. They are good.

He would say it's me. I don't want sex, so it's me. When we started going out it was non stopp. But he doesn't realise that it's 18 years down the line and things change. My hormones are all over the place, and I'm always stressed. That's why I wanted a Dadsnet opin ion, so I could show him I wasn't just man bashing and he could maybe chat to another guy about it.

I was thinking of letting him read this thread but he'd probably blow up, telling me of course he's a crap dad/doesn't do anything in the house, it's all his fault and then he'd drink loads more and fall asleep/start a massive row

he is abusive and you are letting him.

I feel like he's sad and it's my fault. I pick on things, I don't really want sex (not always, sometimes i do) but it's become a major issue between us and it's scary. I went to sex therapy with my ex (long story) and she told me to stop being silly, basically do what he wanted evry so often and that would keep the peace. I'm 47, and tired.