am i right/oversensitive?

[stickyj]

OK, male opinion needed here. Very small nutshell, dh nasty, spiteful, picky, heavy handed with kids. physically with kids when he hasn't had sex? Example-last night I let littlest one (9) stay up to watch Eurovision. Asked Dh to get him to bed at 11.15pm when it had finished. Got woken up at 1.30am by ds4 climbing into my bed, wide awake, saying that Dad was asleep and he'd been watching cartoon tv since 11.15 until now! I told him to get climb into my bed and sleep. Next thing, DH shouting at door to DS4 telling him to get out! Apparently he'd woken up at 1am, put littlest one into bed and gone for a wee. I just said that DS4 had come into bed right at that moment 'cos he'd been awake until 1am and couldn't sleep. DH launched straight into "Oh, that's my fault is it?" speech and then shoved littlest one out of our room, pushing him hard as he went. Littlest one angry and crying and I just said "Well, he was supposed to go up at 11is, maybe he's overtired" and all hell let loose. DH spiutting venom at me, slamming doors downstairs and making DS cry. I just lay in bed and prayed that it wouldn't be one of those night where he came upstairs and had a go at me about sex in general, me being frigid etc etc etc...Maybe once a month? TBH I am dog tired , won business but when he's sarcastic, slapping kids, nasty etc I close up and don't want to know. Today I haven't spoken much to him, left him in bed til 11am 'cos it's easier not to row. How can any man admit, to their dw's face that if they have sex they won't be spiteful, smack kids around, be generally sarcastic wtihout making themwselves look small, pathetic and needy? They have hands,...wtf!? I am being made to feel guilt, but if he has a problem with me he shouldn't take it out on the kids, right?

I'm sitting here trying to defend him. He's not an abusive dad, he's a good dad. He loves them and they love him, byut recently he's been really grumpy. Even more so than usual. He can switch really quickly from laughing to being snappy. Maybe my behaviour which can be awful at times is making him worse but I am sick of trying to keep the peace.

Have been really sad about OJ and and just generally sad 'cos due on. Where are all the men when you need them...come on, I need a man's opinion too

"then shoved littlest one out of our room, pushing him hard as he went"

I hate to quote at people

But you have hazed out what happened already.

Am signing off, going to bed guys. Opinions still welcome though...

I just looked at this before going. I know , it's not right is it? He hates me critisizing him, says I do it all the time and that whatever he says/soes is wrong. I don't think I do and I s[end ages now thinking of ways to say things so it won't start a big row. I am sick of snappiness all the time or the constant trying to hug me/grope me. I just say, please can you just hug me, do you have to have a grope all the time and then he gets in a huff and stomps off.

Sorry, crap typing. Have really bad sight and need glasses as well as lenses. Too tired to go and get them. Not much sleep last night,,,,hoping no rows.

Am going now, have a meeting tomorrow. Am having my Dad over too, and my DD coming back from hols so busy day!{grin]

have only speed read but how well do you know him? do you know what makes him grumpy? i dont mean the sex part but life in general. didnt you say he sleeps downstairs? there must be something really wrong i think - not laying blame anywhere, but do you know each other well enough to talk about any and everything that you want?

the suggestion of relate may be a good place to start - just for you alone at first, but may help you to think from a more objective point about the whole situation.

why are you defending him?
He pushes the littlest one, and gets aggressive with the eldest.

Sorry, you wanted opinions, you got them, and now you are backing down?

For heaven's sake STAND UP FOR YOUR CHILDREN!!!

And yes, it is pathetic that he acts like a baby gets that way when he doesn't get sex. And doing lots of cooking and being a "Brill ...." DOESN'T make up for it.

It couldn't all be about sex though.. could it?

As other have said, he could 'sort himself out' & be as pleasant as he would be had you had sex with him.

Why did he push the child?

Well, I'm pretty sure "a man's opinion" here isn't that special. Lots of posters who are women have already laid out their opinions that, IMO as a bloke, are sharp at this sort of thing.

I'm not seeing here any evidence that he will 'self-reflect' and see what it isabout himself he has to change. I also do struggle to see how you say he is a 'great dad'. It seems he does things with your children when it suits. When it doesn't he's off and doesn't like being made accountable at all.

I would fear, as colditz indicates, that your children will come to see his behaviour as some sort of role model. >

Relate. H\ve you mentioned this to him? Does he know of the corrosive effect of his behaviour? ( appreciate you've gone to bed now.)

Hes a bully, hes angry and instead of dealing with whatever is causing it, he lets his anger get the better of him, and lands it on the kids and you.

You are making excuses for him, he is abusing the kids, so what if they get in his way, say the wrong thing, they are kids, and he is affecting them in every negative way. As for the sex bs, please some men are hard wired to use this bs insult as the natural default to kick off cause he is an angry little man.

You want to be with him, love him, spend your life with him, then thats your problem, but at this point you are the one who makes decisions for the kids, and you are letting them down.

They will grow up thinking this is the norm, and god knows how this will carry them through life, he is a bully, and should not be near the kids if he cant control his childish anger, and you have to stand up for the kids if not for yourself. Poor ds getting shouted at like that. Stop letting them down.

buy him a magazine

one with lots of arses in so he can get a reflection of his personality

you ds will grow up thinking that's the way that grownups deal with differences

and will replicate

we repeat what we see

My first exh was like this. Totally controlling and always wanting sex and a cuddle quickly turning into a grope ugh!
The trouble is as you know...If you are not being treated well at other times and are always walking on eggshells, you don't want them to be intimate with you. He really needs to change tack from other angles...cuddle you without groping you, though you probably freeze and expect the groping, so you'd have to change too...it really is a toughie, but you both need to change if you want to stay together...my gut instinct is to say ' GET THE HELL OUT' though - having been there...but I didn't have kids with him, thank God.
Good luck with it all though.

stickyj, you said in your very first post that he "slaps" your children when he is not getting sex.

To me, that is intolerable bullying abusive behaviour. As Donnylass says, your children will grow up unhappy, fearful, angry and abused, and possibly be physically violent to their unfortunate partners/children. Can you live with that?

No excuses. He is NOT a great dad if he hits the kids for his own selfish reasons.

Get him to get help to end this behaviour or get out. End of.

buy him a sex toy? lol . Just before i ramble on i'm not saying his behaviour is right at all but anyway heres my view:

Maybe he feels left out, maybe try a few days of complimenting him, little suprised kisses and cuddles? If u do it now its "that time of the month" then he knows it cant lead anywhere/doesnt feel like ur winding him up etc. Maybe he just feels like he needs some more attention? My partner started being more grumpier than usual and it finally came to a head one day when i fell asleep at 9pm - he wrote me a letter explaining he felt like when ds has gone to bed i go on here and he just watches tv and we go to bed n fall asleep. He said it'd be nice if we could just watch tv together sometimes and chat etc. I didnt realise it bothered him, we kinda got into a routine. Since then i have made more time for him, only come on here whilst he's on ps3, more cuddling up on sofa, more hugs, compliements etc he's not been grumpy since, same with me. Sex is same, perhaps a little more but i feel more closer to him than ever. Hope this helps u a bit. I think the first thing u need to do is talk to him but plan what ur going to say first, dont just jump in with "it bugs me when u get pissed off", maybe apologise for not wanting to have sex as often but you feel more worn out with having the kids to look after and work, make sure he knows he's still a big part of your life and you do love having sex with him but you'd rather do it when your in the mood than knackerd.

Sorry my post is so long! lol, Good luck x

"Maybe he feels left out, maybe try a few days of complimenting him, little suprised kisses and cuddles? If u do it now its "that time of the month" then he knows it cant lead anywhere/doesnt feel like ur winding him up etc. Maybe he just feels like he needs some more attention?"

I completely disagree, PinkyP.

I think that pandering to this man to try and calm him so he isn't aggressive and bullying is ignoring the root problems.

He is groping the OP all the time, and refuses to stop when asked.

But most importantly, he is physically and verbally aggressive to the entire family.

He needs to learn that his behaviour is inappropriate and intolerable.

He is not a child that needs placating; he is a man that needs to stop bullying his family.

JUST TO MAKE THINGS CLEARER:

i did say first that i didnt agree with his beahviour at all. Didnt read every bit in the thread - missed the bit about him refusing to stop when he groped her - thats OUT OF ORDER!
Sticky j did say he wasnt an abusive dad - of this is the case she has either made him sound worse than he is OR is in denial about how bad his behaviour is. i dont agree with him shoving/slapping/ shouting at children at all.

I was purely commenting on possible reason why he could be snappy / constantly groping / hugging all sticky j the time. Sorry didnt make that clear in my thread!

When a couple have mismatched libidos, this can make one or both very miserable. But nice people, even when bitterly unhappy with a partner, don't take it out by being unkind to the children, don't blame, bully and belittle the other partner and don't behave as though only their feelings matter.
THe OP's partner has made the primary mistake of turning sex into a chore for her: just something else that has to be done to keep him happy: no wonder she's not remotely interested. THe fact that he is using intimidation, bullying and quite probably physical force to get his own way sounds to me like the relationship is beyond repair.

hi y hun my sister in law has the same prob as u her hubby gets like that when she dont give him sex and he gets funny with every one and moans at the kids and her i have had er rouund my house criying bout it b4 now and do u know what i tell her to tell him when he is like that u have hands go to the barthroom and do it ur f-g self but dont be bullied i to having it or is that just a sbad a being raped in my eyes that is if i tell my hubby im not in the mood 2 night he is like ok hun no probs he dont turn in to a sex monster and as for u poor kids i feel sorry for them as they prob dont know why he is being so nasty to them i know u want wats best for all by prob putting up and shutting up but hun its not always the awnser or just get 2 house bricks and hit him hrd with them on his man hood then he will never wan acome near u lol

If he was "brill" he would be nice to the kids, even when he was frustrated.

Being nice when you are in a good mood is easy. Still being nice when its been hell all day is when you prove your worth as a person.

The fact that you say he's fine only when he gets what he wants is not a good thing.He sounds passive aggressive at best and is already moving into more violent behaviour.

You need a counseling and if things don't get better, a new husband.