Is It Normal for a Father to Want to Get Away from His Family?

[DadsLost]

<Sorry for this long post>

I’ve been struggling with this question for a while, and I’d love to hear from other fathers.

I grew up without a father or any male role models, raised by a very strict mother who expected me to be the perfect child. She provided for me materially (security, education, food), but there wasn’t much affection or deep emotional connection. Because of this, I’ve always had a strong need for independence and control over my own life.

That’s part of why I got married young and had kids early. I truly wanted it, and I don’t regret it, but it was also a way to escape my childhood home and create my own family, with my own rules. Now, over a decade into my marriage, I have several kids, and I do everything I can to be a very present father, despite having a high-responsibility job and a side business.

But lately, I’ve been feeling emotionally drained, almost like I’m experiencing family burnout. There are times when I just can’t stand being around anyone. I feel this overwhelming urge to disappear for a few weeks, to be alone, without responsibilities, without any mental load. My wife understands me—she even encourages me to take time for myself—but I can’t bring myself to do it. I have this deeply ingrained image of the perfect father: always present, always involved, and taking time for myself feels like I’m stealing it from my family.

What makes it even harder is that I’ve always been introverted and naturally solitary. I’ve never been great at building social connections, and now I realize I have almost no social life outside my family. I have no close friends, no colleagues (I work alone), and my only human interactions are with my wife and kids. I’ve never had those “guy moments” you see in movies or that many men seem to experience naturally—grabbing a drink with friends, watching a game together, playing video games while joking around, going on a guys’ trip or camping. That whole sense of male camaraderie? I’ve never had it.

So I wonder: are these feelings normal? Do other fathers sometimes feel the urge to escape from family life for a while? Is it healthy to take time away, or is it a sign of a deeper issue?

When I look around or search online, all I see are fathers saying how much they love every second with their kids, how fulfilled they are. Meanwhile, I’m here, giving my all, but sometimes I just want to disappear for a while. Is that normal?

I’d love to hear from others—your experiences, your thoughts, and maybe some advice on how to balance fatherhood with personal freedom without the guilt.

It sounds like you're going through a lot. I think many fathers feel the need to escape sometimes; it's completely normal. Balancing family responsibilities with personal time is hard, especially when you're trying so hard to be the "perfect" father. Taking time for yourself doesn’t mean you're failing as a dad it’s actually necessary sometimes for your well being. I think its about finding that balance. Maybe consider setting aside small chunks of time just for you, which can help recharge your mental batteries without feeling like you’re abandoning your family.

I hope this helped

I think my husband feels this way. Real life is getting to be too overwhelming for him. He wants alone time but feels guilt if he does (he was raised by a martyr mother).

He's ticked all the boxes of what it is to be an adult and now he can reflect that reality is not as great as he thought it'd be.

He hasn't realised that wife, kids, house, car, great career are all external things that he was chasing. He thought that would fulfill him. And it doesn't.

I'm a mother. Do you know how many times I passed a pub on the way back from work and really, really wanted to walk in there and stay until closing time instead of going home? Or, instead of catching the second bus of my commute, to walk on to the railway station and buy a single ticket to anywhere?

But I didn't. I went home and shouldered my responsibilities.

I appreciate it.

I’ve tried small breaks, like having a coffee alone or wandering a city aimlessly for half a day. It helps, but I feel like these are for maintaining balance, while I’m already at the point of implosion.

Despite my high income, I don’t seek fulfillment through material things. I spend little because, deep down, my real drive has always been about chasing freedom, not wealth.

My wife supports me a lot, and unlike me, she has a solid circle of friends. That probably helps her find balance in ways I struggle with.

I have had time away from my family since they were born and so has DH.

Both of us have been going on short solo holidays since they were a year old. We each had Saturday mornings off to do our own hobbies. I have always had friends.

We are not interested in parent martyrdom. I would go mad if I only had to see my own kids and DH. I am so glad I kept up my own interests.

That's a good point.

This.

OP, ultimately it doesn’t matter what you feel, or whether every other parent on the planet feels it, you made a family (whether this was a good idea, if you did it to escape from your mother, is irrelevant) and you’re responsible for it.

You sound as if you’d benefit from therapy, and working on developing friendships, but no, you can’t wander off to find yourself or she’d the me tel load of parenting, or at least not while your children are still dependent. You need to work your shit out while still being a present parent to the best of your ability sSo that your children don’t end up inheriting inter generational issues.

Absolutely to this. I do too, but I’m not leaving and going no contact for ‘several weeks’, as the OP appears to want.

But why have so many DC? I only have two- 4 years apart- so DH could handle them on his own.

Now they are grown, I am so glad I did not lose myself in motherhood.

I feel like this some days. Like last night I was looking at hotels for a single night to recharge. Its not so bad today but how I would love 2 weeks away from the kids and the house. I'd probably end up coming home early though as I can't stand even being away for more than a day.

Do you have any hobbies for yourself? Anything that's just yours?

I missed the no contact for several weeks? What?
Yeah I didn't do that!

I fully take responsibility for my family. I am the financial pillar, the first in both our families to climb the social ladder, and I single-handedly cover all expenses. I don’t neglect my duties—I ensure my family has everything they need.

When I say I want to leave, I don’t mean abandoning them. I’m talking about taking short breaks, a week or two alone, not disappearing for months. And obviously, if I struggle to isolate myself for even half a day, I’m not going to vanish for three months. More importantly, I would never leave without making sure they lack nothing.

How many children do you have?
And would you allow your wife to take a week or two alone? Can you handle them?
Because we had equal time away.

English is not my first language, I misused the word "several" ahah

We have an equal dynamic in our relationship, and my wife is doing very well. We are very different but highly complementary. I initially projected my own struggles onto her, assuming she might feel the same way. That’s why I talked to her about it directly—to make sure she wasn’t going through what I was.

Her response was clear: she is genuinely happy with her life. She has found her balance—our kids are in school, she has a strong social circle, she’s building her business, working out, and spending time with her friends. She understands my need for solo breaks and fully supports me in taking them, but she simply doesn’t feel the same need herself.

She doesn’t see herself being away from the kids, not because she lacks freedom, but because she truly enjoys her current rhythm. I projected my struggles onto her to check if she was feeling the same way, and she reassured me that she wasn’t—she has her own sense of fulfillment.

You are not just a father or a husband you are your own individual person who deserves their needs being met.

As long as you’re not escaping the home at every possible moment there is absolutely no issue at all with spending time alone and putting yourself first.

Do you have any passions or interests that you could possibly pursue or try and join a local group or club?

You say you’re a high earner but you don’t spend much. Change that! Get a family holiday planned for some time away together to reconnect and possibly relax.

Start trying to add joy into your life in little ways. If you fancy that smart coffee machine to have at home for your morning coffee, get it.

Find yourself a decent babysitter and start going out for dinner with your wife every so often.

We can get so caught up just going through the motions that we forget life is for living and eating yummy foods and seeing lovely sights.

Most importantly, keep talking to your life. She seems lovely and supportive but the communication must be kept open and flowing. Remind her that you’re so lucky to have her and the kids and you want to get through this little muddle you’re in.

When our DC were children (me and DH are OAPs now and our DSs are grown up) I had a group of friends and we went away on mum-only trips to places like Centreparks a couple of times a year. DH was happy to look after everything at home. I would have been pleased for him if he had wanted to do something similar. I also went out a couple of evenings each week to a yoga class and to a pub with friends.

i think we all need some time away from the hurly burly of family life. Not long holidays but weekend breaks or weekly hobbies and activities. Perhaps you need to join something that would enable you to make friends: sports, hobbies etc. When you have built up a group, then you could go away over a weekend. Perhaps you could also develop some joint friends with your wife?

As our DC grew up and became old enough to be left at home on their own for 2-3 hours, DH suggested that he and I could go out for lunch every Saturday on our own. For us, this was a brilliant idea as we were able to reconnect at those times (mind you we could trust our DC not to set the house on fire whilst we were out!!!).

Is any of this helpful?

I have noticed that men don't work as hard on their friendships as women do. DH has ended up with very few friends because he doesn't think he needs to work on friendships. I work at it.

Like some of the previous posters, I also dislike the idea of “parent martyrdom”. Just because you choose to have multiple children does not mean you need to chain yourself to them for 18 years without a break. Parenting these days is much more involved than previous generations, and the burn out is real unless you keep the balance.

if you are a high earner then I would suggest trying a fancy all inclusive for a couple of weeks, the type that has kids clubs and activities, babysitting services etc etc. There are some beautiful ones out there. Maybe this would help you recharge while still being together as a family.

In addition, I personally don’t feel like you should feel guilty for taking a week away on your own. As long as your partner is genuinely happy with this and/or gets her own week away at some point. You may find a week is enough. If not, you can re-evaluate. Many men take “dad” holidays with their friends, going skiing, golfing, mountain biking etc (mine included). Many also meet up with friends at the pub or out for dinner after work (mine included!). All these hours here and there add up to more than a week annually, and let’s face it they keep everyone sane. This translates to parents who are less burnt out, less tired, less resentful, and more likely to stay together rather than split up which ultimately is better for the family unit.

You and your wife deserve prioritising as well as your children

I think you need therapy. You seem fixated on material provision, as if you should be congratulated on providing for the children you made. Sorry, that’s just par for the course! You have children, you provide for those children without fanfare. You also need to take responsibility for your own MH, why you you can’t cope with the life you have chosen, why are on the point of ‘imploding’, why you are friendless, tense and joyless, both for your own sake and for the sake of your family, because it’s not good for anyone, your wife or your children, to live in the shadow of someone on the point of ‘imploding’.

I mean, it sounds to me fairly obvious that you’re hung up on some weird macho Free Man ideal which is completely at odds with the life you’ve chosen in marrying young and having several children, but that’s what you need to work out in therapy. You’re desperate to escape from the life you’ve created for yourself because it doesn’t ultimately suit you, as an introverted loner, to be stuck in permanent close proximity to a bunch of demanding small children. But you chose this. Why?

Thank you so much for this message. I really appreciate it, and your suggestions are genuinely interesting.

For the past 10 years, I’ve been working relentlessly to fulfill my responsibilities. It felt like being in a tunnel, completely focused on reaching the destination. Now that I’ve arrived, I realize I need to learn more about myself beyond just my role as a provider.

Funny enough, I actually considered the idea of a family trip—and I did it. We’re just finishing a month-long journey in a completely different country. The first 80% of the trip was amazing, but now, in these last 20%, I feel overwhelmed by family life. And with that comes guilt for feeling this way. That’s exactly why I took some solo time to explore, and while it was satisfying, it wasn’t quite enough—like I had already reached a point of exhaustion that a short break couldn’t fully reset.

As for passions, that’s exactly my struggle. I’ve spent the past decade studying and working, and outside of that, I don’t really know myself. I need to figure that out.

And it’s funny you mentioned the coffee machine—I actually thought about it last month! I even told myself, “What if I learned how to make real espressos, with good equipment, just to see if I enjoy it?” Maybe that’s a small step toward rediscovering myself.

Go and book yourself a short break, believe your wife when she says its fine. Go on a yoga/golf/potholing trip and make some friends.
DH and I travel with work a lot, so had space away from home and family which we both appreciate. But I second the PP who said that men don't prioritise their friendships, so do seem to end up lonely. Go join the local Men's Shed, steam train group, bell ringers - anything to build more of a life for yourself.

Hi OP,
I don't think this is a father thing - I think everyone benefits from a little time to themselves although it's not always possible to get it.

I think you are craving weeks of peace because you are not listening to your need for regular peace/fulfillment and that need is building up.

I don't think you have mentioned how old your kids are? As you describe yourself as introverted maybe something like a chess club once a week would float your boat? If you have a teenager they might be interested in going too. If that isn't for you there will be various sport and special interest groups about if you look.

If your kids are in school how about taking a day of annual leave to do something you would like to do. I see little of my husband as we work as a tag team between work and childcare but I have a day of leave coming up and I have asked my husband to keep the day free. I'm hoping we will go to the cinema if we can find a showing around school runs but if not we'll at least have lunch out. A quiet day with your wife would hopefully be a refresh for you both and not the same as a day with the kids at all.

I work nights so I get a few days when I'm off and my family is at work and school and it's bliss. Could you go 4 days and have a day each week off - I wouldn't say "to yourself" as there might be school events/medical appointments/ household jobs but it's a change of pace and a bit of time to yourself too.

I would say treat yourself in small ways like the above and hopefully your craving for weeks away will reduce.

You’re desperate to escape from the life you’ve created for yourself because it doesn’t ultimately suit you, as an introverted loner, to be stuck in permanent close proximity to a bunch of demanding small children. But you chose this. Why?

Many people have children without fully understanding what it entails / means. I didn’t fully understand who I was when I started having children, but it’s not like a job or a hobby where you can try it out and give it up if you don’t like it. I don’t think the above comment is a fair or constructive point to make to someone who is trying their best but struggling

Yeah, it seems like you’re all suggesting that I build my own group of friends. That’s a good start.

I do work out, but… at the gym with my wife, who also happens to be my gym partner. 😆