Is It Normal for a Father to Want to Get Away from His Family?

[DadsLost]

<Sorry for this long post>

I’ve been struggling with this question for a while, and I’d love to hear from other fathers.

I grew up without a father or any male role models, raised by a very strict mother who expected me to be the perfect child. She provided for me materially (security, education, food), but there wasn’t much affection or deep emotional connection. Because of this, I’ve always had a strong need for independence and control over my own life.

That’s part of why I got married young and had kids early. I truly wanted it, and I don’t regret it, but it was also a way to escape my childhood home and create my own family, with my own rules. Now, over a decade into my marriage, I have several kids, and I do everything I can to be a very present father, despite having a high-responsibility job and a side business.

But lately, I’ve been feeling emotionally drained, almost like I’m experiencing family burnout. There are times when I just can’t stand being around anyone. I feel this overwhelming urge to disappear for a few weeks, to be alone, without responsibilities, without any mental load. My wife understands me—she even encourages me to take time for myself—but I can’t bring myself to do it. I have this deeply ingrained image of the perfect father: always present, always involved, and taking time for myself feels like I’m stealing it from my family.

What makes it even harder is that I’ve always been introverted and naturally solitary. I’ve never been great at building social connections, and now I realize I have almost no social life outside my family. I have no close friends, no colleagues (I work alone), and my only human interactions are with my wife and kids. I’ve never had those “guy moments” you see in movies or that many men seem to experience naturally—grabbing a drink with friends, watching a game together, playing video games while joking around, going on a guys’ trip or camping. That whole sense of male camaraderie? I’ve never had it.

So I wonder: are these feelings normal? Do other fathers sometimes feel the urge to escape from family life for a while? Is it healthy to take time away, or is it a sign of a deeper issue?

When I look around or search online, all I see are fathers saying how much they love every second with their kids, how fulfilled they are. Meanwhile, I’m here, giving my all, but sometimes I just want to disappear for a while. Is that normal?

I’d love to hear from others—your experiences, your thoughts, and maybe some advice on how to balance fatherhood with personal freedom without the guilt.

I’m glad to hear about the family trip and it’s completely normal to have highs and lows and positives and negatives about going away as a family. It doesn’t all have to be great all the time and it’s normal to feel burned out towards the end.

You sound like you’ve achieved so much professionally and have obviously looked after your family well financially so now it’s time to start finding those little joys! Small things that make your day feel that little bit more special or relaxing really add up and build your mood.

Try a few different hobbies and see what you like. Join a gym, start swimming, get to the cinema more, start gardening, search your local community pages on facebook for local get together or even ask for suggestions for clubs where you can make some new casual friends. (You can usually ask the group admin to post anonymously if you’d rather)

Get the coffee machine!!

Yeah.
Im 30 and only have 6 friends that I know since we were 5 to 10 years old.
Never created any other friendship since then.

I am 53 and still making new friends.

I watched a good discussion the other day about making friends as an adult. It basically said that we make friends easily as children because we have shared interests to bond over - same age, in same school, doing same sports or clubs, etc etc.

As an adult sometimes we wonder why we can’t make friends, but making friends as an adult involves a lot more work. Because you don’t have the shared experiences set up for you, you instead need to initiate the friendship and provide the shared experiences. You have to be the first to take the leap and not wait for it to come to you, because often it won’t.

difficult for an introvert, but that’s what is needed

I completely agree with you. It’s true that a less present but happier and more patient father is far better than one who is constantly there but burnt out and on edge. Right now, I feel like my tolerance level is too low—I lose patience quickly and get frustrated easily, which isn’t who I am at my core. I’ve always been known for my calm and patience.

I’ll definitely work on this balance and explore ways to recharge while still being the best parent I can be. Thanks for your perspective!

It's hard going. The mums I'm close with chat about two weeks in Mexico on the beach being mandatory for all mothers, as a voucher handed out at birth that you can cash in at a time of your choosing. It's not just you.

It sounds that maybe there's a deeper need going on for you, maybe you strived to set up your own family unit to fill the need of something that you feel you didn't have, but it hasn't quite hit the spot for you. So you're now seeking it "out there"?

Growing up without a father is not insignificant, I'd look there, as healing that core wound might lead to greater peace. I wish you well, you sound like you've given your kids what you did not have, for what it's worth.

Your comment is really interesting. I don’t know if I’m stuck in some kind of “macho” mindset or anything like that. The truth is, I never had a role model—I don’t even know my father. So, I’m figuring things out as I go, learning on the ground what’s right or wrong, and I talk about it a lot with my wife to make sure I stay on the right path.

As for the idea that I focus too much on material provision, I don’t think that’s the case. In fact, because I do provide more than enough materially, I could easily say, “That’s it, I’ve done my part, now I can take time for myself.” But that’s not what’s stopping me. What holds me back is the emotional aspect—the feeling that I should be present, that I should spend as much time as possible with my kids.

I fully acknowledge that I need to work on myself and figure out why I feel this constant tension. That’s exactly why I’m reflecting on all of this, questioning my choices, and looking for solutions to find balance—both for me and for my family.

Thank you for your message—I really appreciate it!

My kids are 4 and 9 years old. I talk a lot about parenting, but I also spend a lot of time with my wife. As I mentioned, she’s my only social connection. When the kids are at school, we go to the gym together, work side by side, and have lunch together.

So, it’s either me with my wife and kids or just me with my wife—but I’m rarely ever alone! 😆

Thank you 🙏

You spend way too much time with your wife. I would find it suffocating.
Have lunch on your own, go to the gym on your own, try to work on your own?

Some therapy sounds like a great idea as you would be able to afford it.

The positive thing is that you’re aware that you want and need to make changes in your life.

A lot of people just carry on as they are and go to the grave unhappy with their life.

Good luck on your journey.

Agreed. No wonder you’re sick of family life if you literally have no contact with anyone else. Does your wife have friends and her own social life? Because I can’t imagine she doesn’t find being your only adult contact stifling!

You have also had kids v early. No wonder you feel the need to escape.

But there you go again with the idea that because you make material provision, you could reasonably take off. There is no correlation between the two. It’s on all of us as parents to provide materially for our children and to be emotionally attuned to them. But you’re then making a further, unnecessary leap, to this meaning that you have to spend 24/7 with your family. It doesn’t. Part of being a decent parent involves managing your own MH so that you’re not ‘imploding’. So far from it being somehow a negative for you to do whatever you need to improve your MH, be that therapy or a week away, it’s a requirement. It’s your job as someone with a spouse and children to put yourself in the best possible headspace to function. I took myself off to Spain by myself for a week at New Year and came back refreshed.

And I had to figure this stuff out myself when I had DS. I grew up with very poor parental role models, and had to figure out how to be a decent parent from scratch, like a lot of people. Mine were from very poor, dysfunctional backgrounds and had no idea there was more to parenting than basic food and shelter.

I fully take responsibility for my family. I am the financial pillar, the first in both our families to climb the social ladder, and I single-handedly cover all expenses. I don’t neglect my duties—I ensure my family has everything they need.

This sounds like "I make all the money, that's my contribution"

A family needs more than money. And it needs more than one person to provide the non-money things. You haven't spoken of the things you do with your children. Do you spend any time with them alone? Do you take them places, get to know them, let them get to know you? What is your non-financial contribution to the family.

If your wife says she is satisfied with the situation, and is happy for you to bugger off for weeks at a time, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It sounds a lot like you are living two separate lives anyway. She is finding fulfilment in the parts of her life that don't involve you. Is she also finding fulfilment in the bits that do?

Both my husband and I have had similar feelings of wanting to escape. I've offered him the opportunity to have some time away to decompress, he has decided not to do that. Partly because he is not sure what he would do, but also because he knows how that would impact on me. I have the same reasons for not doing it. Instead we are making sure that on a daily basis we are checking in with each other and finding a way through this difficult patch.

Our only focus is to make sure our individual relationships are doing ok. We are great with each other and each have a brilliant relationship with our daughter. Coming together as a family to make sure we are all ok is a better solution for us than anyone deciding they should just take themselves off because they can't cope.

I agree thank you !

Thanks again!

On the non-material side, we talk about our days in the evening, have a lot of discussions, eat together, and I play with them a lot—especially with my eldest, who loves having long conversations with me.

I do take them out sometimes, to the beach or other places, but not too often—precisely because I already feel overwhelmed. I’d actually like to reduce the quantity of time and focus on increasing its quality instead.

And this guy is doing the same! He’s not looking for an excuse to fuck of and leave his family. You could have just said;

”I'm a mother. Do you know how many times I passed a pub on the way back from work and really, really wanted to walk in there and stay until closing time instead of going home? Or, instead of catching the second bus of my commute, to walk on to the railway station and buy a single ticket to anywhere?

You're not alone.”

But you had to take the opportunity to be nasty and superior

To the op, most of us fantasise about running away from time to time. Take some time out, go on a hobby weekend or similar. It also seems that you could do with something day to day that gets you out of the house and meeting new people.

Not only will you feel better for recharging your batteries but you will be a better father too. Children do what they see … let them see you doing some self care and looking after yourself.

Hi - I'm a mum, I hope you don't mind a female opinion!

I would say first of all you are not alone! Even just reading Mumsnet posts for a week, you'd see how many women are on here complaining about their partner taking the piss with time away from the family and never pulling their weight. The fact your wife is encouraging you to get some time for yourself means she recognises that you are putting your all into the family. Well done on being such a great dad, especially in light of no real male role models.

It's ok to want time for yourself. You are a person too, not just a parent. I was like you in some ways - felt that I should always be here for my kids. I never had girly weekends, or even many nights out. I'd make excuses to skip work jollies. It's only the last few years that I've realised it's ok to give yourself a break - and it makes you a better parent because you aren't so burnt out!

Maybe start small til it feels more comfortable to you. Is there a hobby you've fancied trying? A friend you could say "fancy going to the pub" to?

The only thing I would say is to make sure you and your wife get roughly equal time to yourselves - but it sounds like you are already a conscientious type who would do this.

It might be worth some therapy to help you deal with your feeling?

I don't think they're unusual feelings, op.

Congratulations to those posting here how they just get on with it, the op hasn't said he's not but sharing how he feels. Bigger congratulations if you've never done the same as a parent.

Op - I've had a difficult time with my mental health in the past and am not great at opening up about it or seeking help. When I've felt the need to go away / disappear for a while, it's always been a warning sign that I'm not coping - and yes, that I need a break.

I can't tell whether you're heading for a crisis point or just experiencing normal burnout but needing to get away is a sign that you have an unmet need. As you struggle so much with the idea of not spending your free time with your children, I wonder if it would help you to take regular short breaks rather than a long one?

For example: can you take a couple of hours or an evening each week which is just you? It sounds like your wife would support this.
Go for a walk and tune in to nature, take up running or a sport, potter in the shed, or sit in the car on the way back from doing the shop and read...We all need a bit of time to decompress and finding the space to do so is a challenge all parents face.

I wonder how much of your guilt at not spending time with your family is linked to the need you felt growing up to be a model son? In which case, I'd ask you to look at this way: your role as a parent isn't merely to spend time and enjoy your children, teach them manners and how to dress, keep them safe & fed, but also to model healthy behaviours.

Well, one healthy behaviour you can model for them is how to cope with stress from the drudgery of daily life. By learning how to take a few hours here and there for yourself, and by supporting your wife to do the same, you teach them valuable skills about self-care and consideration for others that they and their future partners may be glad of.

Just becareful, when you do discover how to take some time for yourself, that you don't get carried away and become a Disney dad :)

I'd pick up here on wanting to reduce the quantity of time, and improving the quality. I think there is a slight tendency to devalue the mundane, and day-to-day in favour of the 'golden' moments. But the former is in part what builds and maintains family relationships...choosing a 'Disney parent' approach won't benefit anyone. Well, it benefits the person doing the 'Disney-ing', AKA you, for a short time, but as your relationship with your family gradually worsens that benefit will be lost.

As a parent, you can't really choose to spend less time, but more quality time, with your own family and kids. This period won't last forever, trust me, when they're teens you'll wish they were around more!

Initially I would work on building some more time into your own routines, before going nuclear and taking off for a few weeks. Because the risk there is that you come back feeling that is the answer, the panacea, and that nothing else will do. And therefore you 'need' to do it more and more regularly, which I'm sure you would agree, would be selfish and not compatible with the family you have chosen and created.

Why not try a weekend away? An activity or something that interests you?

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346

Thank you.
I'll try this when we are back home !
Improve my routine

So can i ask what's stopping you from going on a week's solo holiday?

I think one of the problems is that there are so many variables in the question of what is right for an individual father. Your situation is unique to you, and while others can share their experiences I fear that if you are looking for validation of your own feelings then you may struggle because you know that no-one is in your shoes.

I had children late in life (married at 39 and was well into my forties when first one came along). I waited a long, long time for the family I always wanted, and had more or less given up on the idea of marriage and children. Sure, there were difficult times - I am a stay-at-home-Dad and in the early years it was exhausting and isolating, while the gradual realisation that I may never work again is gut-wrenching. But I had also spent decades understanding myself and doing all the things I wanted to do with my life long before marriage and children, so I've never had any 'what if' questions for and about myself. Last year, my Dad (last parent) died overseas, a long way away, and it has fallen on me to sort everything out. Furthermore, most of my remaining blood relatives also live overseas, in a different country to my late Dad, and I have had to dedicate more and more time to them. Over the last year or so I have had to spend long periods away from my kids, sometimes for three or four weeks at a time; I'm actually away from them at the moment. They're four and seven, and I have absolutely hated every second of it. I videocalled them earlier tonight and cried afterwards, even though I saw them on Tuesday morning and will be home in time for lunch on Saturday

My lifelong best friend since we were roomates at boarding school from the age of ten is completely different. Don't get me wrong - like you he provides for the children he also desperately wanted and had to wait a long time for, and has been a SAHD at various points in their lives. He was raised by a single Dad after his mother walked out, which might be more analagous to your situation. The kids adore him. They're also slightly older than mine. After my Dad died he flew out to join me, ostensibly to help out and support me, but he made little secret of the fact that he was thrilled to have an excuse to get away from his family for a couple of weeks. He's done it a couple of times since.

I don't begrudge him that opportunity, even if it's a choice I would not make myself at the moment and can't ever imagine making. But my friend's experience has also opened my mind to the possibility that I might feel like him (and you) in the future, and I have found it easier than I thought to make my peace with that.

Hey mate

im in the same boat with these feelings, what worked for me and took the edge of those feelings was going back and doing something I was interested in that was just my thing

for me in my relationship was going back to play rugby. Gave me my own space to unwind and escape the pressures with a sense of purpose