Grandparents helping with split care of separated parents?

[Sounddad]

First time posting here but wondering if anyone could give some advice.

I currently split 3/7 days for my 2 girls with my ex partner. I’ve asked to do 50/50 but unfortunately she won’t agree to this.

im working shifts in my full time job so on small occasions I need help with school drop off or pick up when I can’t make it so I ask my parents who have been involved in the kids lives since birth.

my ex partner seems to have an issue with this and proceeds to say that I shouldn’t have the girls when I can’t commit to drop off pick up and wants to take days off me.

just wondering if anyone has had a similar issue as I don’t see an issue with my grandparents helping with drop off/pick up on the occasions I can’t. My ex partner seems to call/txt every morning I’ve had them the night prior to check that I’m with them and it’s quite frustrating.

many thanks!

My ex husband's parents do pick up for me once a week and then look after the kids at my house until I'm home from work.

He doesn't like it, but he has to get on with it. If it's your time with the kids and you've made adequate provision for childcare then it's accepted by courts etc.

This does work both ways though- so when he's away with work and it's his night his girlfriend has the kids overnight. I find it quite hard to have someone else looking after my kids when I'm free and available to do it, but that's just how it is.

Perfectly reasonable to have Grandparents help out, especially when they’ve always been in their lives.

Thanks for response,

I think it comes down to her having a reason to take a day from so that the child maintenance goes up as she was disappointed that my days add up to the next bracket of 3 or more but not half rather than the 2-3 days a week bracket.

I would completely understand if I was fobbing the children off regularly but that’s not the case at all. Just the odd occasion I start work at 4/5am so I’ll stay at my grandparents with them and leave super early then they will take them to school/nursery once a fortnight.

Thanks so much for your quick response.

i just wanted some clarity as I’d hate for her to go via courts/CMS and have another day taken away from my children over such a small thing.

ill always have their best interest in place when in my care for the 3 nights and if that means my parents helping on occasions I don’t see any issue.

Does she use childcare?

If it's occassional, it should be fine, assuming your parents are fit to care for the dc. It would be less ok if it was over nights etc but it doesn't sound like it's that at all?

On your time it's up to you who looks after your children.

When the children are in your care, it matters not one jot who is actually taking them to school etc. I suggest you go to court and sort out a CAO if you wish to increase the time they spend with you. the starting point would be 50/50.

It’s for the parent with care on a given day to make safe and suitable childcare arrangements for that day. Whether that is family, nanny, childminder, whatever. You are doing this and I doubt any court would have an issue.

You need to take her to court and force 50/50, and they can arrange a court mandated app you can communicate via (keep taking her back to court every time she witholds your kids). It’s ridiculous that she has so much input over your childcare arrangements

Think this through OP. Many working parents use wrap around care, breakfast clubs, childminders, friends to drop off their children at school. No court would take a child away from them for not doing the drop offs themselves would they? SS would not consider it neglect either. As long as the people who are doing it are responsible adults then you are fine.

However, do think about getting your contact sorted in a court order if your ex tries to create more problems. Sometimes it's the only way for both sides to have clear expectations and boundaries.

OP can use grandparent care however he wants on his time.

He absolutely can. But if she did take him to court and the grandparents were doing 1-2 of his overnights, I think she might be able to convince a jusge that it's not in the dc's best interest for the current agreement. Not definitely, but possibly. Ie a risk, although not a very clearly defined one.

He asked about court and the fact that his ex appears to want to reduce his days with the dc.

She’s being unreasonable and probably trying to use this as justification for you having less time or at least no more with them.
It’s normal for working parents to use childcare before and after school, it has nothing to do with your ex.

How would you feel if you were forced to part from your child for 3 days a week for the dad to have contact, only for the dad to hand the child over to other relatives for it? There needs to be a balance between occasional babysitting/helping out, and demanding contact just because granny wants the baby, not you. And that goes for mothers as well as fathers. I feel sorry for parents (usually always fathers) who demand contact when they cant even look after the child, just to be spiteful to their ex, when the mum desperately misses the child, and the child just wants their mum, and instead gets passed round childminders and relatives as the father wants to exert his ‘rights’ (control). Luckily that doesnt seem to be the case with the op

Appreciate the feedback and advice from everyone. Again a first time post so extremely grateful for the responses.

Me ex partner moved in the man she was unfaithful with me within 1 month of me moving to my own home without even informing me another man was living with my children.

She doesn’t have grandparents local so I think maybe it’s more of a jealousy thing that if I need some help that I’ve got it available.

I pay child maintenance on top of paying 50% of 4 full days of nursery and 50% of private school fees so I absolutely support the children as well as not receiving any of the child benefit she receives. I understand that’s the law but even though their household earns a lot more than me solely seems unfair that for 4 extra days a month she has them she receives a lot of financial benefit.

Again appreciate everyone’s response, I’ll talk to her about it and hope it doesn’t need to go the legal route

I wouldn't rush to court. It seems a varied experience heavily dependant on what judges are in attendance. 50:50 isn't the automatic assumption often, it's more following the 'status quo'

He's not 'handing the children over'. The grandparents occasionally get the children up and dressed and take them to school.

And he has to part from his children 4 days a week. Where's your sympathy for that?

It's not down to either of you to decide how your children should be parented by the other now that you've split up. When they are in your care, you decide how you see fit and if that's grandparents helping while you work then so be it X

I was responding to another poster, not the op? You’ve not quoted the part where I’ve said the op isn’t doing this?

In what way is a grandparent doing some school drop offs or pick ups not in the child’s best interest?

Apologies. I skimmed and missed the last bit of your post.

Why are you paying for nursery and school fees on top of CMS - legally they are optional.

You could both ask for "right of first refusal" meaning both of you need to be offered to look after your own DC before any childcare or babysitting or "step parent" is used - your ex is on a slippery slope with demanding it for you when it could equally be applied to her.

Perhaps stop paying for the 50% nursery fees? You cover your days she covers hers.