Wife slaps and punches me in arguments

[AnonymousAnonym]

Hi, I have been married for over 15years. We have two girls under 7. My wife slapped me in the face multiple times, punched me in the chest and shoved me around during an argument…again.
This has been happening roughly every 4-6 months in our married life, right from the start. She’s much smaller than me so it never really leaves any signs or injuries on me. I have never hit her back and never would, but I have reached the point where I genuinely dont know what to do. I do love her, and my kids are my world. Is this domestic abuse? What the hell do I do?
As always, sometimes the argument is caused by me and sometimes by her, but I’m sure arguments are normal in relationships, but is this kind of thing acceptable?

This is non-negotiable, you need to leave. She's abusing you and your children. Please don't think this is in any way justifiable, get your ducks in a row and leave

If a Woman wrote this she would be told to leave him.
It's not right, you've allowed it to happen so it's probably a habit now.

You need to tell her you're not happy to take this any more and she needs to walk away if she feels like hitting or putting her hands on you.
If she loves you why would she want to.
Time for change, if she can't or won't, I'm afraid there's only one thing to do, would you like your daughter to think it's normal and accept this regularly from a man?

So your girls have seen her hit you, slap you- they think this is acceptable.
Fast forward 20 years - they are in an abusive relationship , they think it’s okay to be slapped and hit as they’ve seen their Mum do it to you….

You take your kids with you, many a kid has loved an abusive dad. You don’t leave your kids with someone abusive.

It’s abuse and allowing your children to see it is abusing them. There will be consequences to them, even if you can’t see it now. You need to either kick her out of leave and take your children with you. Abuse is not less harmful just because it comes from a woman instead of a man.

Sorry this is happening to you, OP. I appreciate you don't want to leave but I would say she should go to anger management or something, or else leave. As someone said above, would you allow her to hit your children?

Of course they love her. She’s their mum.

It doesn’t mean that she’s the best person to look after them.

For the children’s sake, you need to leave and take them with you. She’s abusing you. What’s stopping her from abusing them.

You need to leave no way is this right! Your children are seeing this and will grow up to think this is normal! It is not! What if it escalates to hitting your children! You have to think of this. She’s obviously got issues and needs help

Please watch My Wife My Abuser on channel 5 catch-up to show you are not alone. And please get some support. This is domestic abuse.

If your children's school find out that they are being exposed to domestic abuse, the school will rightly classify this as a safe guarding issue and will take action. Children often (unwittingly) disclose to teachers.

Please get some help OP. Its absolutely not ok for your wife to do this to you, regardless of whether she leaves marks on you or not.

Do you have family you can turn to?

You are not taking anything away. She is by abusing you. This is not your fault, this is all on her. If your children are witnessing her behaviour, that's really not good for them either. Please call the Police and seek help from the organisations posted by PPs.

I completely understand not wanting to leave your kids or not wanting to take them from their mum, but she is abusive.

Them being in a home with DV, is classed as child abuse.

Please speak to the organisation that a PP suggested and ask their advice on your kids.

Does anyone in real life know what’s going on?

Its really important that you tell people close to you and get their support.

Please (if safe to do so) make a record/log every abusive behaviour.
The best thing to do is log it with the police (even if it’s done online).

One day you will have to leave or the kids will say something to someone and it will be investigated.

The last thing you want is for her to spin it around and act like you were the violent or abusive one, which many abusive women do.
This may result in you not being allowed to see your kids and forever being tarred with that brush.

Hi. This is really terrible and I feel for you. A good mate of mine went through this with his partner. It culminated with him being accused by her of being the aggressor and him spending a night in a prison cell. It basically got worse and worse and worse till he basically had a breakdown. He kept it quiet. Didnt tell anyone and it broke him. He has kicked her out now and shares the kids 50:50. But he had to go to court.

My advice (having been through a terrible divorce and marriage where my ex wife was controlling and manipulative) is to accept your marriage is absolutely over. You need to be in a good place to be the best dad you can to your kids. No guilt on you at all given what you are tolerating.

And then the next steps are the detail. Can you move in with family? Can you afford to leave. If not then perhaps you need to speak to a lawyer to establish what evidence you need to provide domestic abuse and find a way to get your ex out of the house.

But irrespective you do not deserve this. And you made the mistake I nearly made of just getting used to a situation. My divorce was horrible. And it is still ongoing. But I have now met a wonderful partner who is my soulmate and who my kids love. Their mum is angry and resentful to me still. But I don't care because I am happy and the kids have a role model of what a healthy relationship should be between a dad and partner.

Trust me in that you staying in the relationship will mess your kids up far more than leaving.

But it takes so much courage to make the first step in changing your life.

I was in the same situation, and I blamed myself for years for it. My ex-wife would only do it when my children weren't present which is probably why I was so reluctant to leave.

But I can say 100% that things are better now we've separated. My children and I are all happier and more settled.

My only advice is to leave, and I hope for your own sake that you take it and leave. You and your children deserve so much better than the abusive environment.

To answer your question; yes, this is domestic abuse 100%.

It's not easy to leave, it's not easy being on your own with the children. But I promise you that you'll be in a much better position as soon as you do... I was.

That's awful I'm sorry :( yes its still domestic abuse! She could flip one day and get worse and use a weapon. Does she do this in front of the children? Is she a drinker? She sounds unhinged. You and your children deserve better.

It's domestic abuse and it is not acceptable, at all, ever.

You need to report this to the police, and take steps to remove yourself and your children - get a plan in place to leave and then report it, so you minimise trouble.

This is a very unhealthy environment for any child. They will pick things up.

Can you get a plan to leave together?

Ok so here it is fella,

Im in a similar boat to you only our arguments aren't physical she's never actually hit me despite showing me she would with her actions. However, yes this boils down to DV. There's no long and short of the matter its DV in its most basic form. If you need help regarding what exactly is DV I've included a link to the CPS definition of DV for you below.

You wife on the other hand if you can approach her and ask her why she gets physical, try and talk to each other about why its physical and why does it seem to be on a cycle - try and talk all aspects of the situation through perhaps even seek some kind of mediation about it should you need to.

If the worst come to the worst though pal if you start to feel like you are loosing yourself or the situation gets worse ask yourself this:

Is me staying in this situation doing the best first of all for myself and is it the best for my kids?

if you can be the best for yourself you sure as heel will never be the best for your kids - it was when I asked myself this that I realised I needed to get out from the relationship that I was in. Now that I've had the courage to get the ball rolling on the matter I can see so much more clearly.

Im not telling you to end the marriage I would never tell anyone to do that, what I am saying though is try and talk it out first but always remember - there's no shame in starting again in life, if anything it could be the best for all parties.

Here's that link:

www.cps.gov.uk/sites/default/files/documents/publications/DV_FAQ_leaflet_accessible_2011.pdf

https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2015/9/section/76/2015-12-29

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/1174578/Controlling_or_coercive_behaviour_-_statutory_guidance.pdf

Hope these help they have helped me to understand the world around DV

But it takes so much courage to make the first step in changing your life.

whichever person wrote this at the end of their post you are 100% right brother but the biggest and hardest step is talking to someone even if it is a bunch of strangers on the internet & kudos to the OP for doing this. Brother you've taken the first step on YOUR path to what YOU want.

There's no time frame for anything to happen - its your path and its your time frame no one else to dictate

You are very brave to open up about this and lots of links have been provided by other posters. Seeing this Domestic Abuse will affect your children so much. Take a look on the NSPCC website for information about this. You need to protect your children from this and keep them safe. If you refuse to change the situation Children’s social services can step in as the effect on children can be so negative. Of course the children love their mother but as the abused parent you need to get them out of the toxic environment by either leaving and taking the children with You, or telling your wife to leave.

Run

This is not love

Take your children

She is an abuser

You can do this

Children who witness domestic abuse are now classed themselves as victims of domestic abuse. You need to report your abusive wife to the police. Record any physical injuries you suffer. Your daughters will be affected lifelong due to living in a domestic violence abusive household. Watch videos on YouTube about children affected by ACES. Get out of this abusive relationship and take your children with you. I'm so sorry she treats you like this.

Yes it might go the way of her turning on the teens when they’re old enough. Equally , having seen you as a person to be abused and having witnessed violence ,it may be that they abuse you too, sadly. It can go either way.
Neither option is acceptable so to leave is the only option.

Ask her whether she would stay with you if you hit her during arguments.

She'll either respond in one of two ways: 1, play the victim, bury her head in the sand, and say fine, so you want to divorce. If she does this, she's not taking accountability, sees nothing wrong with her actions, and if that's the case, is she someone you really want to be with?
2, realises that she'd drop you faster than the Flash if you so much as laid a finger in her. That will hopefully open her eyes as to just how inappropriate her actions are.

You don't want to leave which is fair enough. I would suggest that you talk to your wife when things are calm and tell her that her behaviour is not acceptable, is abusive and you will not accept it anymore. If she can't control her anger she must go to anger management courses,/counselling. Perhaps you can speak to your GP for advice or find a domestic abuse helpline. This violence in front of your children is undoubtedly harmful, for that reason alone it must stop. It must also be terrible for you to live under the shadows of violence. hope you get the help you need.