Guys - I have lots of lovely single female friends - where are they going wrong?

VoluptuaGoodshag · 2008-03-27T10:57:45+00:00

What do you look for in a female and what makes you run in the opposite direction?

EricL · 27/03/2008 13:55

I always looked for ones that weren't obsessed with looks/fashion/diet etc, as this showed to me they were comfortable with who they were, weren't shy of having a good time and indulging themselves now and again, and were open-minded and you wouldn't get bored with them too quickly.

I went out with a 'perfect' looking girl when i was younger and i was bored shitless after about two months and got really annoyed at all her stupid obsessions with image and protocol - so i guess i have been tainted with that.

I know some guys like this kind of showy-offy wife though and like the idea of having a model on their arm, but it wasn't for me.

I also like them to look attractive and a woman - but not have their every body part on show. Nothing enticing in that for me. Again - this would suggest to me that they have nothing else to offer.

Original poster

VoluptuaGoodshag · 27/03/2008 15:29

Bump for the late afternoon crowd

OP posts:

Triathlete · 27/03/2008 20:54

Tall, attractive, intelligent, funny, active, not a pub goer or party animal.

Mrs. Triathlete has 3 Masters degrees, loves cycling, camping and running, speaks several languages and has a great sense of humour. I just wish she weren't quite so good-looking though.

warmsummersday · 27/03/2008 21:29

Triathlete, why do you say you wish she weren't quite so good looking?

DaddyJ · 28/03/2008 16:01

Same here VG - I have quite a few perfectly attractive female friends
who can't seem to find Monsieur Droit.

I don't have the definitive answer to this but my impression is
that there simply aren't enough men around who fit the bill.

Triathlete · 28/03/2008 21:51

summersday I was being ironic. She's lovely, but it's the conversation that makes her attractive.

Voluptua it's difficult to say why your friends are having difficulty. Some men are frightened off by very attractive and very intelligent women (not me though )

Or maybe they're trying to meet the right man in the wrong place. A lot of guys grow out of bars and nightclubs in their early thirties.

soph28 · 28/03/2008 22:01

My 2 best friends never seem to meet Mr Right. One has really never had a boyfriend and one always does but never works out. I just can't understand it.

UnquietDad · 28/03/2008 23:23

Voluptua - I agree with Eric and Triathlete. Some men don't like women who seem too high-maintenance, and some are threatened by those who are (or who come across as) very confident and intelligent.

I also think it's helpful if women are honest about what they want.

This sounds harsh, but when I was single in my 20s I had the following thought more than a handful of times:

"You say you are after 'sensitivity', and like well-read guys with a GSOH. So maybe you should give the sensitive, bookish guys with a sense of humour a decent chance, even if they are not rippling Adonises, and stop hitting on the tanned, muscular dickwads with the bulging wallets and an over-inflated sense of their own importance."

Not saying this applies to your friends, butI used to see it a lot...

adhsmith · 29/03/2008 02:31

@ UnquietDad, does sound familiar that.

Can't say I ever look for a particular type of women, short/tall/skinny/fat doesn't matter too much, never been fussy, I'm sure most blokes aren't but obviously there has to be some attractive quality and for me that some one whos a happy/bubbly person, a good smile, pretty face etc, someone has their own mind, not a doormat.

What makes me run a mile, thats a long list...

Those dreary types with a bucketload of history (ex's that did this and that etc.) that I couldn't care less about but who insist on telling you when we've only just mean, let me at least finish my first pint.

Women who are looking for commitment right out the gate, its not cool to be booking me for an event 6 months away on our first date

text maniacs, texting every 5 mins with something or other to ensure things are still OK, if we've made arrangements I'm gonna be there, I won't forget, the slightest hint at the possibility of ....uum...getting some and its unlikely to be forgotten.

Stalkers, kind of ties into the text maniacs, if you've been given the brush off, turning up at my house, my local and places that you'd likely bump into me is not an endearing quality, stop it, its desperate, it'll just reaffirm my thoughts about you anyway, and no I won't ask my missus if I could go out with you next week, as yes, she really would mind you nutjob

I think I'll stop with the runaway screaming list, I'm already in tears of laughter reflecting back on some things from the past that are just unpostable.

One more thing, can't speak for other guys, but me, I'm not the most observant, being subtle doesn't work, if your friends like some guy make it clear, the number of times I been in the doghouse with the missus because shes met up with me when I've been out with the lads and some girl has been next to me getting all flirty etc. me I'm oblivious, just thought they were friendly until I get the body language run down from the other half and the 3 day silent treatment I'm innocent I tell ya

UnquietDad · 29/03/2008 11:06

Oh, god, yes - make it obvious. Really obvious. Don't assume a man will pick up on subtle signals - he won't. Nothing less than flashing neon signs on your breasts saying "I Fancy You, OK??" seems to work with us.

Maybe this is because a lot of us were burned when we were younger (18-20-ish seems to be the time it happens a lot) from women we thought we were on to something with who then turned round and said "I just want to think of you as a friend."

Original poster

VoluptuaGoodshag · 29/03/2008 13:43

Hmm, interesting. I would describe one of my pals as a "mirror mirror on the wall type". She is gorgeous but kind of knows it and I think this comes across too much. When you get past the gloss, underneath she is a lovely, kind, funny person but the initial persona either makes her seem untouchable.

OP posts:

zippitippitoes · 29/03/2008 13:48

this is interesting

i think it is the getting into the getting to know someone well enough for them to appreciate you bit that is hard

no one in their right mind would chat me up but i dont do so badly once they get past that bit lol

goingbonkers · 30/03/2008 00:08

So may I ask, where is the best place to go to find mr right?? I don't do much drinking anymore but as I am a single mum, I don't really go anywhere other than the wacky warehouse / park etc. And there aint many eligible bachelors there, I can tell ya!

UnquietDad · 30/03/2008 00:40

Thinking of female friends who until recently have been single (and there aren't a lot who spring to mind!) they seem to have met their men through work or through extra-curricular stuff like rambling or sports clubs.

amytheearwaxbanisher · 30/03/2008 00:45

i dont think there is a right place i met dh at a set of traffic lights and that was it

goingbonkers · 30/03/2008 14:12

Might try hovering around some pedestrian crossings ! Lol. Might end up getting arrested for soliciting and meet the police man of my dreams....

As for work - there are no men where i work, sadly! And I don't have any spare time to take up a new sport/hobby! Oh well, looks like I'm destined to remain lonesome!

Daddster · 30/03/2008 15:04

I have quite a few female friends as well who are single, but I'm pretty sure I know why - they mostly fall into one of the following categories:

invents excuses why men are unsuitable to cover up insecurity/shyness,
is very high maintenance and proves to be very wearisome to a chap with a full time job, friends and other interests,
is neurotic, unpredictable and therefore poses a serious danger to the calm refuge of a bachelor pad,
refuses to even contemplate seriously anyone who earns less (or has less prestigious job) than herself,
is too tied to the apron-strings, e.g. lives at home and reluctant to leave the parents.

Daddster · 30/03/2008 15:04

I have quite a few female friends as well who are single, but I'm pretty sure I know why - they mostly fall into one of the following categories:

invents excuses why men are unsuitable to cover up insecurity/shyness,
is very high maintenance and proves to be very wearisome to a chap with a full time job, friends and other interests,
is neurotic, unpredictable and therefore poses a serious danger to the calm refuge of a bachelor pad,
refuses to even contemplate seriously anyone who earns less (or has less prestigious job) than herself,
is too tied to the apron-strings, e.g. lives at home and reluctant to leave the parents.

UnquietDad · 30/03/2008 15:09

I fear daddster's no.4 may account for a lot. I get the impression that an awful lot of wallet-sizing-up goes on in the singles scene these days. From my limited knowledge.

Daddster · 30/03/2008 15:13

Sorry, that wasn't very helpful (and a double-post, tch).

Volupta - I reckon the best way for her to meet like-minded single blokes is to look long and hard at what she really enjoys (and I don't mean what she thinks she should enjoy, e.g. loud nightclubs which people tell you you're supposed to enjoy, when you actually like pottery or gardening) and do that because she enjoys it. If she meets someone doing it, great, but if not, at least she's doing something she really enjoys!!

Community groups are great for meeting nice people. I know three people who met their parters doing voluntary work.

Bonkers - you must have time for exercise - what about a running, cycling, tennis club?

lou33 · 30/03/2008 15:25

i am none of the 5 things you listed daddster, but i am still single, though i do go on dates

WideWebWitch · 30/03/2008 15:37

The women I know who are single are so because

a) they are neurotic and desperate and it shows
b) they are loons and it shows

mind you most of the ones I know are knocking on for 40 and single and childless so a bit of chicken and egg going on there

Taweret · 30/03/2008 15:44

Two of my closest friends are unmarried, childless and single.

One because that is what she wants, and she enjoys life to the full as a modern, independent woman with no responsibilities.

The other friends seems to be stuck in a timewarp - and still finds the same things attractive as she did when we were teenagers.

This means that she inevitably attracts men who are much younger, take her for granted, and are not interested in commitment.

Or men of our age (late 30s) whom act like teenagers, and whom everyone else considers to be a complete nob. It takes her a while to see them how they really are, as she seems to be dazzled by all the attention at first.

I feel sad for her, because she is lovely, kind and generous, and she desperately wants to start a family.

She just always seems to end up with mummys' boys or idiots.

Taweret · 30/03/2008 15:48

And she often comments that there is nowhere to go to meet suitable men.

Nightclubs are full of young men, or married, middle-aged business men away from home on business conferences.

Pubs are full of single-sex groups.

Salsa dancing classes had an average age of 55.

The gym - they are either too posey or too puffy.

She is pretty much left with streaking at a local football match, or ramming her shopping trolley into the back of a blokes' legs in Waitrose as a way of meeting new men.

Heated · 30/03/2008 16:17

The ones that were never going to be long term for my brother who went through a lot of gf in his 20s were those who:

could drink as much as him or could take him in a fight - try be one of the blokes

would want to know how much money he made and angled for gifts - mercenary

who would try to move in after date no 2 and rearrange his cupboards - desperate/ stalkerish

Both he and nearly all dh's friends have met their wives through work, mutual friends, uni courses, weddings etc so had some common interests that wasn't dancing or alcohol, so had some basis for forming a relationship. But most significantly they were all in their 30s when they got serious.