I feel verbally abused by my wife

[LukeMac49]

Hi, thank you so much for taking the time to read this, it truly means a lot...

A little bit of history first:

Me and my wife were happily together for a few years living in Manchester UK with only the rare argument that was quickly resolved, fast forward to 6 months ago and we had our first child born, a little girl! How wonderful!

Shortly after, I believe she may have been experiencing symptoms of post natal depression and I therefore I told her calmly that I believe she may be experiencing those symptoms and I reassured her that I'm there with her no matter what and she went ballistic on me and ranted and raved and screamed at me with all her frustration (which was hard for me to hear but I accept what was said due to her possible post natal depression).

Her Mum called her on the phone to try and calm her down and also agreed she might have post natal depression, her Mum said "You three come down and we'll sort this out".

This is where it gets... Interesting...

Nothing happened, there was no counselling, no therapy, nothing. I thought her Mum had a plan in place but nothing was done about it. I mentioned to her gently that maybe seeing a therapist might be a great option but nothing came of that.

Fast forward to present day and this is where the abuse begins.

My wife has told me to my face that I am a shit Dad and her Mum also backed her up and said the exact same to my face, they were both shouting at me and this got me a little upset, I didn't get angry I just cried - They even told me I needed counselling due to me getting upset, but it's the verbal abuse that's getting me upset!

I think the reasoning for them saying I'm a shit Dad is because they believe my wife did everything with the baby and I did absolutely nothing which is certainly not the case. Sure, even I don't believe it was 50/50, honestly speaking it was more like 70/30 in favour of my wife (I still did nappy changes, feeds, feeding my wife, bathing baby and getting her changed and I also clean her families house and gave her breakfast almost every morning but my wife looked after our baby more and I have profoundly apologised for this so much as I know what I did was wrong and I should have supported my wife better) - I asked my wife why is she saying these things and she said "Do you blame me?".

For my 30th birthday I went to London for three days and before I even arranged it I asked my wife multiple times if it was ok and she said yes every time, I thought it would be ok since she has all her family around her to help out but this was thrown back in my face saying that I abandoned her and went out and left my child - When I came back from London I sat my wife down and apologised for how I wasn't the best Dad and said that that changes today (This was on Thursday the 30th of November), since then I have done my utmost best but even that gets thrown back in my face "Oh NOW you become a real Dad" and "I wonder how long it'll take before you go and fuck up again".

My wife, Dad and Mum all called me controlling when I don't see how that's possible when I changed my religion for her, selling our house to move closer to her family for her and she has the baby sleep in the same bed as her (which I wasn't too fond of due to safety reasons) - Everything I do I ask her opinion on as I want her voice heard at all times, as far as I can tell, everything has gone her way.

One of the most recent arguments we had was to do with getting my 6 month old babies ears pierced, I wasn't a huge fan of getting them done so early so I tried to comprise and say "is it possible we could get them done when she's a bit older?" To which she replied "You're stopping my right as a mother" and "Whether you like it or not, they're getting done and you can't stop me", I just feel like my voice isn't heard and that my wife is disrespecting me - She even said to me that she was considering changing our daughter's last name because of how absent you are as a father but I don't think I was THAT bad, there are much worse fathers out there and no matter what happens or gets said to me, I will always be there for my daughter.

I politely asked my wife if it's ok to just ask politely if you need me for anything instead of pointing your finger and shouting at me, an example is we went shopping today in the car with her Mum driving us, I opened all the car doors for my wife so she didn't have to and I was polite. When we arrived home to her parents house I didn't open this door because I had the baby in my hands, it was freezing and raining so I took the baby inside and gave her a nappy change upstairs. My wife came in and said "Thanks for leaving all the heavy shopping for me" to which I replied "I just thought I was doing what was best, sorry about that" and she said "Well you thought wrong!! Are you ears sold separately?! I have to remind you of everything?!", it sounds funny but she's angry and shouting and at this point and I said "You told me to spend more time with our child so I'm doing just that, you're Mum and Dad were also there so they could've helped out if needs be", I also asked her "Please if you need anything from me just ask and I'll drop everything to help you, but please could you ask rather than shout at me?" And she replied with "I'm an exhausted mother, I get to say what I want and you just have to listen"... She says that I need to get thicker skin and just take this and get on with but I just wanted to be treated like a human being, not a piece of shit on her shoe. At this point it's been 4 days since I came back from London and I am absolutely trying my best without a doubt, even before London I was still doing stuff but admittedly not as much as my wife.

I am sick of not having an opinion where nothing I say matters, I am sick of there being an echo chamber where even if my wife is abusive to me, her family agree she's in the right and that I'm wrong to have an opinion - Like don't say I'm a shit Dad, tell me I could be doing more and I'll do it, don't shout at me for changing our daughter's nappy after shopping, ask me if I could help with the shopping and I would've helped, don't yell at me and tell me to get thicker skin when you told me you were considering changing our daughter's name because of "me".

My wife has said before that she's losing patience with me and that "I don't want to hear your complaints, go and complain to someone else" - I even asked her if she could spare three seconds of her time to tell me that she's loves me and she said "Do you think I've got time for that?" She then stormed off and told me to fuck off and "Do you think I'm Superwoman?!".

I'm crying a lot lately and I tried telling my wife it's because of how I'm being treated and she just doesn't care, I go for a walk to clear my head and I felt guilty because I'm thinking "Oh shit, that's time away from the baby, I hope they don't think I'm a bad person now" so even when I take a break from things to relax, I can't!

My closing thoughts are, I don't know if it is ok to take this and this is how it is or is my wife being abusive? I feel like I'm constantly judged in her families house and that I don't belong, it's my wife and her family against me and it's tough as nails to stay here as I am trying my absolute best and it never seems good enough.

[LukeMac49]

Just for more info, I don't drink, I don't smoke and I handle my child with love and care, I think her telling me I'm a shit Dad revolves around my time spent with the child, like previously mentioned I did spend time with her and still done my duties as a father but my wife did more and also like previously mentioned since I came back from London I am doing everything I can as a father.

[rob38]

When I was with my wife, she would be really pleasant with me but would lie about me or bad mouth me to her family members (I don't know why).

This would mean that I got strange comments about me being a bad father etc. from her parents.

After I separated from my wife this turned into serious abuse as her and her mother lied about me to Social Services, the Police and the Family Court. I am an incredibly devoted dad but they stated that I spent no time with my kids and was abusive.

I would tread carefully and perhaps get advice from a domestic abuse charity. (This also might be useful to have on record if things escalate).

[yhk]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. It sounds like you've been through the wringer.

My wife has been a bit like this throughout her pregnancy. The only reason I didn't walk is because I'm comparing it to how she was before the pregnancy and deducing that it must be down to the hormones.

I'm preparing myself to put up with this argumentative, aggressive behaviour once our daughter arrives in a couple of months, in case she develops PND. I haven't set a timeframe, however IF it continues, and she doesn't get help, I will divorce her. Of course I haven't told her this, as I don't want to stress her out.

I completely get where you're coming from, it chips away at you.

[RickA]

You said:

<<I still did nappy changes, feeds, feeding my wife, bathing baby and getting her changed and I also clean her families house and gave her breakfast almost every morning but my wife looked after our baby more and I have profoundly apologised for this so much as I know what I did was wrong and I should have supported my wife better>>

Seems like you are doing. a pretty good job to me. Do you both work?

[Agii]

It isn't right to receive such attitude from her. It is either counselling or moving on. You should not suffer like that. Good luck !

[Soñando25]

To be honest, it looks to me like you’re in an abusive relationship. I can’t see that you’ve done anything wrong at all.
Whatever you do isn't good enough for your wife and her family and that just isn’t ok.
What about your own family? What do they think of the situation and do you see much of them? I’m not clear if the Dad and Mum who called you controlling are actually your parents or your wife’s?

[PilatesPeach]

Her parents are siding with her because she is telling them that you are a rubbish dad etc - it is natural that her parents would take her side however, they do not know the full story and it's upsetting naturally for you.
However, whilst this may be PND, she seems to be so angry with you about literally everything and this is not acceptable. She does not get to speak to you like dirt or scream at you or say what you say or want does not matter.
How is she around your daughter? Is she angry or calm?
She does really need to see someone probably her GP to start with but of course you cannot make her. You may ultimately need to take professional advice from either Citizens' Advice or a solicitor.
Your daughter's wellbeing is paramount her and I would be concerned if her anger is not only towards you but if she resents the baby and if she feels frustrated and unhappy now she has had a baby and her life irrevocably changed. (woman's point of view here)

[dreamersdown]

Have you researched postpartum rage? It’s a real thing. I’m sorry you’re at the receiving end of it.

[Pickles2023]

Tbf you sound like your doing amazing..

Is she breastfeeding? I went psycho through pregnancy and breastfeeding. I thought i was going insane and kept snapping at my husband, i couldnt control it and felt utter terror constantly that something bad will happen. As soon as i stopped it was like a flipswitch and i settled.

Also there is not overly much you can do if she is.

But also my parents accepted i was unreasonable at times and would support my husband and put me in my place when i went OTT.

I would be careful agreeing with everything she says making out your rubbish..agreeing you are will make it more of a reality its all your fault and its correct as you agreed too..take whats yours but hand it back when it isnt :)

[MrsSlocombesCat]

I think you need to leave, honestly. This isn’t normal behaviour. Is she alright with the baby? Tell her she is being abusive and you can’t handle it. Say you’re going to move out because you don’t want to be her verbal punchbag any more. This might make her realise she needs help. Or not. Either way you need to think about your own mental health and not be around her while she is behaving like this.

[henrysugar12]

Pregnancy fucks you up. Mentally, emotionally and physically. It may be that she does have pnd but, from experience, she doesn't want to admit it as she's probably feeling a failure herself and all the comments about you being a rubbish dad is really her projecting her feelings on to you.

Having said that... many men think that they are doing a lot, when actually, they are doing 10% and all the "nice" things, not being pooed and vomited on daily. When you're on maternity leave and spending every minute of the day with the baby it can be incredibly lonely.

Really, I think you both need some counselling to work through your issues. And if nothing changes then maybe reconsider the relationship. There's no point in being stuck in a toxic relationship.

[glittercunt]

Hope it's OK to comment, this popped up in active, I'm not a man.

I've birthed children and there are so many things which can cause this sort of behaviour.

I don't know if I had PND because I've had depression and anxiety disorder since my childhood so I don't know if it would be renamed PND purely because I'd had a baby.

But the missed sleep, baby clinging to you, trapped feelings, mental load etc can make you so very irritable. So that is going to mean every little thing you do or don't do is going to be a trigger.

I don't like the sound of what's happening ro you. Even if you have done less of what she has needed of you, you are being emotionally abused. She is bullying you alongside her family. Nothing can change while that's a thing because as you're experiencing, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Can you speak to the health visitor from your registered doctors surgery?

I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

[stomachameleon]

@glittercunt this popped up on my feed too and I agree with everything you said.

It's an uncomfortable read and you don't deserve to be treated like that.

Please get some help. Are your family involved at all?

[BlackPanther75]

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I see it is some time since your post and I am wondering how things are currently?

You are certainly describing an abusive relationship with your wife and her family attacking and undermining you. Criticising you as a father.

It’s not ok for them to do this to you and it’s making me feel really angry with the injustice reading this.

Whilst it is true that the early months are difficult for the mum, they are also difficult for the father too and many men suffer post natal depression too because of the change of life, lack of sleep, and the rest.

i see that you are saying you are not a perfect dad and want to improve which is great, but there is no such thing as a perfect parent, we are all bumbling along, and doing the best we can, making mistakes, falling short at times, and then the kiddies change again and we’re working things out again. It is easy to criticise any parent and her family seem to have developed a pattern of criticising, blaming and shaming you

i am wondering where you could get support? I don’t know if you have good friends or colleagues you can talk with? Or family ?

i do think a male perspective is really helpful with this and think joining a men’s group or finding one online could be very helpful. Also counselling for yourself might be useful too, I would recommend trying to find a male counsellor or a male friendly counsellor.

[LukeMac49]

Wow thank you all for your generous responses, I did not expect this much feedback! It means the world to hear all your thoughts, truly.

Just going to answer some questions I've read in the comments:

1. My wife works yes but we are both remote workers.
2. I have suggested marriage counselling and she keeps on flip flopping between "Fine I'll go..." To "No, I don't want to reconcile things" but then of a night when we are in bed she is holding my hand and quite happy with me?
3. I am still getting verbal abuse such as "You abandoned your child on Christmas to go running to your Mum" when I asked her multiple times "Please can you come with me to celebrate Christmas with my family" (Because she's from a Muslim background they don't celebrate Christmas anyway), I asked if I could go and celebrate Christmas with my parents and she said yes multiple times and I feel as if she is making me choose between my family and my wife/daughter which feels unfair, she keeps saying my Mum and sister are alcoholics and she is blaming me for everything to be honest still - On top of that yesterday I moved a little action figure that was hard and spiky and I thought it could injure my daughter and she looked at me with these dead-bolt eyes and said "Put that toy back now" and I said "I'd rather you didn't speak to me like that please" and she said "I spoke to you like that because you didn't listen the first time I told you about that toy, how many times are you not going to listen to me" and that's when she kicked off about my family and the above Christmas stuff... I just didn't want my daughter to hurt herself that's all.
4. Everybody I have spoke to have either said why am I still there or go and get counselling to resolve our issues - The issue I have is that I'm still getting harassed even though I'm doing my best and she has past negative feelings about me and my family for whatever reason that she can't let go of and she's now super resentful? That's all I can think of.
5. She is really good with the baby and around her family but seems to treat me differently which is incredibly difficult for me because seeing her with her family and seeing how nice she is to them hurts me a lot because I don't get that same love back, I'm having to ask for love and to ask her to stop talking to me like crap.

Thank you again and please if you have any advice or kind thoughts, please share them as I would love to read them.

[LukeMac49]

Just more on this, I feel as if it's me thats causing her to say all this stuff to me even though I feel as if I'm doing nothing wrong, I'm there for her, I feed her and look after and do everything I can.

The reason I feel like it's me because surely I must be triggering her to be saying these things to me? (I don't believe that's true but I can't think else why).

I don't argue back, I don't raise my voice and I don't swear and all I do is put my opinion and voice across and I never point fingers and say "It's your fault because of xyz".

Not sure what else to do in the current situation.

[yhk]

An ex of mine used to treat me like shit sometimes, saying some real nasty stuff. Towards the end of our relationship, I started calling out her shit behaviour, and in the end started arguing back to her. She then became physically violent, and spat in my face a number of times.

To her friends and family, she was an angel. Nobody would have ever believed me unless I I showed them the videos I had of her punching, scratching, pinching and spitting on me.

I guess some people can suppress their abusive behaviour and only inflict it on a select person.

[LukeMac49]

She done it again yesterday but in front of people, my 7 month old baby was having a lollipop (Which I despise due to choking hazard, and I also feel like I have no right to take it off her because of my situation), and it dropped on the floor and went under the fridge. I picked it up and it had dirt, hair and grime on it and my wife said "Can you wash it please" and I said "What? I'd rather she had a fresh one because it's dirty" and she looked at me cold dead in the eyes and said "Wash. It" and I said "Look, I really think she should have a new one" and she said "Wash. It. Please" and I said no, I actually put my foot down and asked her Dad what to do with it and he said to throw it away too.

I confronted her today about it and basically said look either you pack it in or I'm done and she managed to turn it around on me saying stuff like "I wouldn't have to get aggressive if you just listened the first time" and I said "So because I wanted my baby to have a fresh lollipop, that gives you a right to get aggro on me?".

She literally can't provide any answer as to why she is behaving this way, I asked multiple times "What is it that I do that makes you have a go at me every single day?" And she literally can't answer me.

Getting sick of it now to the point where I don't even want marriage counselling now because of how toxic she's become and I'd be happier single I think...

[BlackPanther75]

Well it depends upon what you want.

if you think there is a chance of staying together and want to try working on things then I suggest you get counselling yourself, and if you can marriage counselling.

i would suggest that as you have a child and I presume were happy together before the child that you should try and work at it.

it does sound like you are being a bit of a wimp with her letting her talk to you this way and doing what she wants. In my own experience it was only when I stood up to my wife and held firm calling out her bad behaviour and being strong that she started respecting me more. If you behave like a wet blanket people will wipe the floor with you.

for me, when similar was happening in my marriage, I needed the support of good friends and a counsellor to help me realise how toxic my wife was being and help me find the words and confidence to stand up for myself.

well done for starting to fight back. I think you need to show some backbone and carry on sticking up for yourself and making sure your voice is heard. I do worry though that you are living with her family and think whilst you are there the odds are against you.

i do wonder if you can get the dad onside and maybe ask his advice. If he will start to fight your corner a bit this would be much easier. If it is you against your wife and her mum and her dad, I think you are on a really sticky wicket.

[henrysugar12]

So has this behaviour just started since baby arrived or was she like it (even just slightly) before?

[LukeMac49]

She used to be kind and caring and show love and affection, after the baby is when all the bad stuff really showed up.

Honestly, because we now live in her parents house (because that's where she wants to be), I think it's hard to fix things and maintain our relationship because all my wife wants to do is spend time with our baby and my wife's Mum so I feel kind of left out because of that.

Now we have a much bigger, cleaner and safer house together but she doesn't want to be there due to how far away she is from her family (2 hour drive) but it was in the middle of both of our families really and now we are where her family is and it's harder for me to see my family and friends now.

Is going back to our house a good idea even though she completely detests the idea of it? Would putting my foot down and saying "We are going back whether you like it or not" a good thing? I don't know any more. What I do know is that it's hard to feel like a Dad and a husband in someone else's house where I don't have responsibility of my own home and caring for my wife as her mother does all that.

[BlackPanther75]

Well I think you do need to get yourselves out of her parents house of you want your marriage and young family to survive this.

That might mean agreeing to move house again, but that’s for you to work out as a small family

[stomachameleon]

@LukeMac49 you need to say 'this isn't working and I want us to go home and be a family'
She needs to prioritise her immediate family (you and the baby)
The situation is clearly not working as it is.

[yhk]

@LukeMac49

She used to be kind and caring and show love and affection, after the baby is when all the bad stuff really showed up.

Honestly, because we now live in her parents house (because that's where she wants to be), I think it's hard to fix things and maintain our relationship because all my wife wants to do is spend time with our baby and my wife's Mum so I feel kind of left out because of that.

Now we have a much bigger, cleaner and safer house together but she doesn't want to be there due to how far away she is from her family (2 hour drive) but it was in the middle of both of our families really and now we are where her family is and it's harder for me to see my family and friends now.

Is going back to our house a good idea even though she completely detests the idea of it? Would putting my foot down and saying "We are going back whether you like it or not" a good thing? I don't know any more. What I do know is that it's hard to feel like a Dad and a husband in someone else's house where I don't have responsibility of my own home and caring for my wife as her mother does all that.

Keep in mind your wife's and your in-law's culture.

It's a cultural norm for some that the new family lives with parents.

In this case you will have to approach the situation sensitively, because this current setup might be the complete norm to them. You putting your foot down could cause issues between you, her and your in-laws. Do you know any of your wife's friends or family from their culture who are in this current setup? Could you speak to them and ask them about it?

My wife is due to give birth in a couple of months, and her mother is coming over from China to stay with us for a 3 months. The long stay does make me feel a bit apprehensive, but I wouldn't refuse to host her as I know it's in their culture.

Considering your wife's current volatile moods, I'd advise against going in all guns blazing for the moment.

[ManHereSorry]

Sounds like she is abusive mate. If you were a woman posting this on the main bit of this site, all advice would be to leave her. I would also be concerned she may turn aggressive to you or start claiming you have harmed either her or your child. I don’t think you can win in this situation. I would leave her and if you leave the child with her see what you can do to get regular access to the child (50/50 preferably) to ensure she’s bringing her up properly. Get your ducks in a row because it seems unlikely to get better.