I feel verbally abused by my wife

[LukeMac49]

Hi, thank you so much for taking the time to read this, it truly means a lot...

A little bit of history first:

Me and my wife were happily together for a few years living in Manchester UK with only the rare argument that was quickly resolved, fast forward to 6 months ago and we had our first child born, a little girl! How wonderful!

Shortly after, I believe she may have been experiencing symptoms of post natal depression and I therefore I told her calmly that I believe she may be experiencing those symptoms and I reassured her that I'm there with her no matter what and she went ballistic on me and ranted and raved and screamed at me with all her frustration (which was hard for me to hear but I accept what was said due to her possible post natal depression).

Her Mum called her on the phone to try and calm her down and also agreed she might have post natal depression, her Mum said "You three come down and we'll sort this out".

This is where it gets... Interesting...

Nothing happened, there was no counselling, no therapy, nothing. I thought her Mum had a plan in place but nothing was done about it. I mentioned to her gently that maybe seeing a therapist might be a great option but nothing came of that.

Fast forward to present day and this is where the abuse begins.

My wife has told me to my face that I am a shit Dad and her Mum also backed her up and said the exact same to my face, they were both shouting at me and this got me a little upset, I didn't get angry I just cried - They even told me I needed counselling due to me getting upset, but it's the verbal abuse that's getting me upset!

I think the reasoning for them saying I'm a shit Dad is because they believe my wife did everything with the baby and I did absolutely nothing which is certainly not the case. Sure, even I don't believe it was 50/50, honestly speaking it was more like 70/30 in favour of my wife (I still did nappy changes, feeds, feeding my wife, bathing baby and getting her changed and I also clean her families house and gave her breakfast almost every morning but my wife looked after our baby more and I have profoundly apologised for this so much as I know what I did was wrong and I should have supported my wife better) - I asked my wife why is she saying these things and she said "Do you blame me?".

For my 30th birthday I went to London for three days and before I even arranged it I asked my wife multiple times if it was ok and she said yes every time, I thought it would be ok since she has all her family around her to help out but this was thrown back in my face saying that I abandoned her and went out and left my child - When I came back from London I sat my wife down and apologised for how I wasn't the best Dad and said that that changes today (This was on Thursday the 30th of November), since then I have done my utmost best but even that gets thrown back in my face "Oh NOW you become a real Dad" and "I wonder how long it'll take before you go and fuck up again".

My wife, Dad and Mum all called me controlling when I don't see how that's possible when I changed my religion for her, selling our house to move closer to her family for her and she has the baby sleep in the same bed as her (which I wasn't too fond of due to safety reasons) - Everything I do I ask her opinion on as I want her voice heard at all times, as far as I can tell, everything has gone her way.

One of the most recent arguments we had was to do with getting my 6 month old babies ears pierced, I wasn't a huge fan of getting them done so early so I tried to comprise and say "is it possible we could get them done when she's a bit older?" To which she replied "You're stopping my right as a mother" and "Whether you like it or not, they're getting done and you can't stop me", I just feel like my voice isn't heard and that my wife is disrespecting me - She even said to me that she was considering changing our daughter's last name because of how absent you are as a father but I don't think I was THAT bad, there are much worse fathers out there and no matter what happens or gets said to me, I will always be there for my daughter.

I politely asked my wife if it's ok to just ask politely if you need me for anything instead of pointing your finger and shouting at me, an example is we went shopping today in the car with her Mum driving us, I opened all the car doors for my wife so she didn't have to and I was polite. When we arrived home to her parents house I didn't open this door because I had the baby in my hands, it was freezing and raining so I took the baby inside and gave her a nappy change upstairs. My wife came in and said "Thanks for leaving all the heavy shopping for me" to which I replied "I just thought I was doing what was best, sorry about that" and she said "Well you thought wrong!! Are you ears sold separately?! I have to remind you of everything?!", it sounds funny but she's angry and shouting and at this point and I said "You told me to spend more time with our child so I'm doing just that, you're Mum and Dad were also there so they could've helped out if needs be", I also asked her "Please if you need anything from me just ask and I'll drop everything to help you, but please could you ask rather than shout at me?" And she replied with "I'm an exhausted mother, I get to say what I want and you just have to listen"... She says that I need to get thicker skin and just take this and get on with but I just wanted to be treated like a human being, not a piece of shit on her shoe. At this point it's been 4 days since I came back from London and I am absolutely trying my best without a doubt, even before London I was still doing stuff but admittedly not as much as my wife.

I am sick of not having an opinion where nothing I say matters, I am sick of there being an echo chamber where even if my wife is abusive to me, her family agree she's in the right and that I'm wrong to have an opinion - Like don't say I'm a shit Dad, tell me I could be doing more and I'll do it, don't shout at me for changing our daughter's nappy after shopping, ask me if I could help with the shopping and I would've helped, don't yell at me and tell me to get thicker skin when you told me you were considering changing our daughter's name because of "me".

My wife has said before that she's losing patience with me and that "I don't want to hear your complaints, go and complain to someone else" - I even asked her if she could spare three seconds of her time to tell me that she's loves me and she said "Do you think I've got time for that?" She then stormed off and told me to fuck off and "Do you think I'm Superwoman?!".

I'm crying a lot lately and I tried telling my wife it's because of how I'm being treated and she just doesn't care, I go for a walk to clear my head and I felt guilty because I'm thinking "Oh shit, that's time away from the baby, I hope they don't think I'm a bad person now" so even when I take a break from things to relax, I can't!

My closing thoughts are, I don't know if it is ok to take this and this is how it is or is my wife being abusive? I feel like I'm constantly judged in her families house and that I don't belong, it's my wife and her family against me and it's tough as nails to stay here as I am trying my absolute best and it never seems good enough.

I agree with every part of this!

Do you still have a health visitor ? If you do try to speak to them on your own and explain how you feel. They may be able to offer support either individually or as a couple . You may need to speak with a Dr to find help for your mental health because it does sound as if it's deteriorating. There is no shame in asking for help.You need to have it on record in case things keep getting worse . I will say this to you , you are not a shit dad.
Your wife's behaviour is abusive and almost gaslighting towards you. You can't seem to do right in her eyes and to be honest, I don't think it's healthy for your relationship to be living with her parents. (What is her Mum and Dad's relationship like ? Is she overbearing with him ?if so, this is your future)It doesn't help that her Mum is always on hand to validate her actions. I believe you need to find a home for the three of you in order to restore equilibrium in your life. If she won't go along with that , you may have no choice other than to leave .You can't just keep hanging on. If a woman was telling me her husband was treating her like this, I'd say the same to her. I hope you find the help and strength you need to do what's best for you and your child

Thank you for your reply.

Since the 16th of January me and my partner have split up as I couldn't take it any more and I left, she said to me "If you don't get rid of your dog, you might as well leave now" and it was the straw that broke the camels back for me - My dog literally doesn't bark and has never bitten anybody and she is the most sweet dog.

Anyway, since separation in February I received a "terms" letter from my ex-partner saying if we were to "fix things" I would have to get rid of my dog, our daughters last name gets changed to my ex-partners last name (she has my last name) and that I also have forbidden words and phrases to say... It was a little over the top for me.

I am now in Family Court where lots of false allegations and twists in her stories are present and it's hard to read as it's crazy to me how somebody can go THIS far to just have what they want and that's full control of our daughter.

My mental health is doing better but far from perfect, I am in counselling at the moment and I have appointments with my doctors often.

No matter how many times I told my ex-partner how depressed I was because of how they were treating me it was never their fault, it was my Mum's fault for "making me a victim" or my dogs fault or my fault but making her behave abusively, she would say that I have mental health issues and blah blah blah.

All in all, I am finding it difficult being away from my daughter but I'm hoping the Family Court can see her smear campaign against me, I wasn't perfect like but I didn't do all the horrific stuff she has mentioned (without ANY evidence whatsoever by the way!), whereas I have tons of evidence, voice recordings, texts, videos, all sorts.

I'm happy that I am away from feeling so low but I currently feel stuck in limbo - On the plus side, I left the relationship weighing 54kg (around 8 stone 6 pounds) and now I am 59kg (9 stone 2 pounds) so I am putting on good weight as I lost quite a lot in the relationship!

Thanks a lot for reaching out, honestly it means a lot and I hope you are doing ok :)

Woman here - she is abusive. Ok, we all have issues with extreme tiredness and possibly PND etc.. but all I read between the lines of your post is that she has no respect for you, and furthermore, doesn't even seem to like you. I'm sorry.

I get that she’s bonkers and so is mum. Why did you leave it for so long expecting others to sort out though? I am glad you are going to court and hope it works out in the best way possible for the kiddos.

Escaping an abusive relationship is just as hard to do for a man as it is for a women. I doubt the OP would easily turn his back on his baby or marriage, and it sounds like he has tried to talk about it and understand it. Unfortunately she is abusive and a bully.

I'm sorry OP. That is really shit.

Thank you everyone for your messages I really appreciate it.

Leaving the relationship was extremely tough because it meant giving up on my daughter, giving up our family and giving up our home, our future and my dream so it took me a long time to leave, also, it took me a while because I wanted to help, I wanted to fix things and I wanted us to still work things out but I was naïve I suppose.

Like maybe she was right and I was weak? I blame myself for all of it and I think I caused us to split up, I feel like I'm the issue, ok I wasn't perfect and I did shout a few times during a few arguments in retaliation but I stopped that entirely because it was immature but I found that the abuse got worse because I was now just accepting it and rolling over rather than facing it.

I just want to be there for my daughter and make her happy, I wanted a family together and a future I would be happy with but it feels like it's all crumbled away and I'm back at square one.

I still don't know if I made the right choice in leaving...Like what if I was actually being sensitive? Or what if she was saying these things with good intentions but the way it came across was rude? I just don't know.

Regardless thank you for replying it honestly helps, hope you are having a good day.

Hey I just wanted to reply to say I read your entire post and it gave me an insight to what my future could have been like had I stayed with my ex wife...

She was exactly how you describe your partner was although I didn't see this until 1-2 years after the marraige, she would be abusive for no reason, no matter what I did it was never good enough. She told me before we even thought about having a child 'you will be a sh!t dad', she constantly put me down and said things like 'you'll never be able to change a nappy', she made a list of 100 items I had to agree to before we could even plan to have a child including things like

1. The child must have her last name
2. The child cannot be left alone with my parents
3. The child cannot be left alone with me at home
4. The child can only attend a religious school
5. The child is not allowed to go to any weddings where there is a 'mixed marriage' taking place
6. The child is only allowed to spend time with her extended family.

The total list was huge, it got to the point where I ended up saying 'I don't think we should have a child because I think I won't be good a dad based on what you said'

I believe she had a mental health condition called BPD (Border line personality disorder) look this up.

Anyway I just wanted to add that I hope you get everything resolved in my case be prepared for a long drawn out divorce. It took me close to 2 years to resolve my divorce and we didn't have children.

I am wishing you the best of luck and just remember you will get through this! This wasn't your fault, and my ex switched completely during the divorce making up so many allegations ! Just work on yourself and be the best man you can for your daughter!

hi m8 ...
im going througha similar thing ex ept we not married or live together.

1. make sure u get your rights as a father.
2. document all evidence you have of abuse/control and contact the police if neccessary .

DONT KEEP PUTTING UP WITHIT !!!!!

V