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Dadsnet

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Original poster

Dh has just texted me to say he feels like he's wasting his life - what can I say to reassure him?

27 replies

theUrbanDryad · 27/02/2008 09:27

He works incredibly hard to support ds and i. he leaves the house at quarter to 8 and gets back after 7 in the evening. he doesn't like his job much. he's a great dad and i love him to bits (even though i whinge about him on here!)

What can I say other than "No you're not"?

OP posts:

Ledodgy · 27/02/2008 09:31

Email him a nice picture of you all and say 'How can you be wasting your life? Look at what you have achieved'. My dp gets like this sometimes he also has a long day with a long commute and we have 3 young children, I remind him of what he has got and tell him that it won't always be like this. Life will always be harder with a young child.

Dropdeadfred · 27/02/2008 09:31

Is thislikely to be his life for long or will things improve in fuure..eg you may work so he could chnage job?

If so remind him of that...?

ConnorTraceptive · 27/02/2008 09:32

My Dh goes through periods of this it's very hard to know what to say. I try to encourage to think about what he would like to do and how he can make it happen and tell him I'll support him in whatever he wants.

Ultimately your DH needs to decide how he wants to change things you just have to let him know that you'll be there to do it together.

lizandlulu · 27/02/2008 09:33

is he showing signs of depression? my dh started saying stuff like this and i dodny show him any sympathy and just siad stuff like 'shut up dont be stupid'

like your dh, my dh works really hard, too hard most of the time as he feels like money solves everything. but he ended up on anti-depressants for about a year.

i learnt to say things like ' your dd and i both need you and there is somuch more to life than working. we have to look to the future and not take others peoples problems to heart.'

my dh was a yes person, saying yes to all his mates to favours and odd jobs, then getting upset when he couldnt do them all and he felt like he was letting people down

i know how you are feeling, try not to let it get you down

DoodleToYou · 27/02/2008 09:37

Message withdrawn

LilRedWG · 27/02/2008 09:38

Urban - see here!

pelafina · 27/02/2008 09:41

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niceglasses · 27/02/2008 09:45

Me and Dh were talking about feeling like this just this morning. It was kicked off by that blardy 'Thought for the Day' on R4 yesterday which said happiness is life is like a U shape and the age of 44 is at the bottom of the U with around 20 and at the other end 70 being peaks of happiness. Great eh? I was so depressed by this (being 40 this year) that I didn't hear what the solution was. I think it was along the lines of What are you judging it by? Its all relative blah de blah. But I know exactly how he feels. There is certainly mid life crisis in the air in our household. I wonder how we tackle it?

GeekBoy · 27/02/2008 09:46

I know the feeling - out around 6ish most mornings and back in between 7:30/8:30 in the evening - feel like I've missed most of our daughters first year and instead just had a stressful time working too much. The benefit doesn't seem to anywhere near match the loss.

Sucks.

Lomond · 27/02/2008 09:49

Ask him what he wants to do to make him enjoy it more? Change jobs? Take up a hobby?

Does he say things like this often, it sounds like he could be depressed?

Original poster

theUrbanDryad · 27/02/2008 10:55

well he did recently change jobs, we had a major upheaval, moved areas, away from all my family and friends. i thought that this would make him happier but instead we're both utterly depressed now! we have had long chats about what he wants to do, and what he wants to do is run his own business. he's lots of harebrained ideas but we have no capital (other than our mortgage deposit which i'm unwilling to risk on what i think could be foolish in the extreme) and without capital i don't see how you can start a business.

he wants to run a bookshop, but i think he has a rose-tinted view of what retail is. i suggested he go and work in a Waterstones for a few months to get an idea of what it would be like but he didn't want to.

i do work, part time, but there's no way i could earn enough to support us as a family. before i was married i barely earned enough to support myself alone, never mind house husband plus ds. the fact is that he is the main earner and him quitting his job to run a bookshop is just not feasible.

i think he could run his own business - i think he should go freelance at what he does now, which is PR. he has made a few contacts and i think he could really make a go of it. but he hasn't followed up the contacts, because he's too tired from doing his day job. so it's a catch 22.

it's just that the thought of him getting to 40 (he's 33) and thinking, "Great, what did I do with the last 10 years" is so utterly depressing i can't bear it!

OP posts:

pelafina · 27/02/2008 11:55

Message withdrawn

DoodleToYou · 27/02/2008 12:01

Message withdrawn

LoveMyGirls · 27/02/2008 12:14

What if he drops his working hours to 4 days a week and then he can concentrate that 1 day per week on his own PR company eventually he could move into that ft and earn enough money so that he can start a book shop in 10 yrs, maybe you could take on the PR company when your children are a bit bigger??

Original poster

theUrbanDryad · 27/02/2008 17:16

i don't think he'd be able to drop a day from his current job - he's working from home 1 day as it is and the company aren't very happy about that. i think he is feeling an anti-climax, this job was supposed to be the solution to all our problems but it really hasn't been. he's in a horrible office, with a whole load of people he feels uncomfortable with, who play music at their desks so he can't concentrate!

i think he just feels like his life is wasting away and he's not doing anything with it. but when i suggest doing stuff, not big things, just for him to spend some time with ds or for us to do nice things as a family, he seems unenthusiastic.

i mean - most families are like this aren't they? the day in day out slog of life just takes over, and you look back and think "Another year's gone then" and you wonder what it is you actually did with that year. i think because dh doesn't have anything tangible to show for it (apart from ds, and he feels like he has missed a lot of his growing up) then he feels like he's failed. and he keeps comparing our lifestyle to those around him, going "Well they go on holiday twice a year, or they have a new car every 6 months." i can't seem to get through to him that it's not about material possessions, and we are richer than most people. (mind you, i have trouble convincing myself of that at the end of the month when we can't afford to eat!)

OP posts:

pelafina · 27/02/2008 17:32

Message withdrawn

Dropdeadfred · 27/02/2008 17:35

if he is worried about missing his ds growing up why is he unenthusiastic about doing family stuff at weekends?

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 27/02/2008 17:36

I do sympathise. it does soemtimes feel like being a hamster on a treadmill. DH has days like that. he is out of house @ 7am, back around 8pm. He runs his own business, and sometimes is utterly 'what is it all for?'
However, he recently joined a gym and is much happier - just 30 mins @ lunchtime has made him a lot happier. He alternates the gym & swim pool. And at weekends he has a sporting hobby that DS1 now also enjoys, so that have some dad & boy time doing something they both enjoy.
Also - maybe it is the time of year. I get very down after Xmas, when the days are short. But as the days get lighter that cxan sometimes help.
If DH sold the business ( he has had several offers) he would go stir crazy, tho' I quite relish the idea of having a wifey house-husband

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 27/02/2008 17:39

My DH is the same. He works stupid hours, and comes home stressed just in time to put DC to bed, then we eat and relax.
At weekends he does things with them but is often knackered or 'on call' so has to get back to the office.

He often says it's like groundhog day , the same thing in and out, the same worries over and over. But then some days he is perfectly happy.

MisterUrbanDryad · 27/02/2008 19:26

Bleargh.

I want to be in Cornwall where I can go and look at waves when I want to.

Just too damn TATT, as the Doctor's notes would say.

WallOfSilence · 27/02/2008 21:15

My dh was his own boss until recently.

He lay awake at night worrying about unpaid bills etc...

It went on for ages & he knew we couldn't afford for him not to work. I am a student (almost finished my 3 years & it would be a waste for me to quit now)

He applied for a job last summer & finally started it 2 weeks ago.. he is no longer self employed, we have a wage coming in every week (smaller than before but we'll manage) & he is so much happier!

I would advise you to get it all down on paper.. your outgoings your incomings.. and see if you can't find a way to try & sort out your own book shop!

Never lose sight of the dream.. I said at 24 I wanted a degree by the time I was 30. I was 30 in January & I am due to graduate in June! Never lose sight!

DoodleToYou · 03/03/2008 15:54

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lennygrrl · 03/03/2008 16:16

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Judy1234 · 03/03/2008 16:58

I think the years with under 5s are the hardest for everyone whether they're at home or work and then it gets easier. You just have to stick it out. If he doesn't like his work then he needs to see if he can find something else he likes more that will support his family or perhaps swap around and he be home and you work if you are currently at home.

Kevlarhead · 11/03/2008 21:22

"he's in a horrible office, with a whole load of people he feels uncomfortable with, who play music at their desks so he can't concentrate!"

Does he work with me? Seriously, that sounds familiar.

Short term I'd suggest a decent pair of headphones, and a 4Gb USB drive packed with his favourite tunes to help the working day go faster and block out all the idiots around you. Works for me anyway...

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