Advice needed - Babies sleeping arrangement quarrels!

[LukeMac49]

Hi all,

This is my first time posting anything on these sort of websites but I'm at my wit's end.

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TL:DR:
I'm asking my wife to put our baby in the cot rather than bed-sharing during the night and she absolutely refuses despite me doing everything for her and the baby is it a reasonable ask and is my wife right to completely refuse?
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As seen in the title myself and my wife completely disagree on where our baby of 2 months should sleep during the night. My wife is completely adamant that the baby should sleep in the same bed as her during the night and I am completely against this for a number of reasons:

1. Unfortunately a couple of babies in my family have died from this exact thing, suffocation whilst sleeping in the same bed as the mother.

2. I personally believe the baby will find it easier to sleep on their own crib/bed when they're a bit older if they're sleeping in their own cot now.
3. I just generally think it's safer.

Now the reason why my wife likes the idea of the baby sleeping in the same bed is due to the baby sleeps better in the bed but surely that's because that's where she has always slept there and would need to adjust to the cot again?

On a bit of a personal note, I feel betrayed as my babies father as we have previously talked about this issue and I broke down in tears in front of my wife but she simply won't budge and also she was keeping the baby in the bed with her and I didn't know this was happening.

I feel like I'm not asking for the world here...We have a cot literally attached to the bed in the same room so I'm not seeing why she is so adamant on the baby being in the same bed.

I do everything around the house while she has the baby, cook, clean and work 9-5 on weekdays and I even converted to Islam for her!! But if I ask for the baby to be in the cot I'm the bad guy and I come across "controlling"... Am I asking for too much or being unreasonable??

If you've read this far thank you so much and please help!

[Emmamoo89]

It's the mothers choice.

[TheInterceptor]

Just respect the fact she doesn't want to have sex with you yet.

[fairymary87]

If she's breastfeeding? If so they I totally get it.

[fairymary87]

Then*

[BubziOwl]

Who deals with night wakings and feedings?

[MrsSamR]

I'm with you as the thought of co-sleeping terrifies me but you won't find many likeminded individuals here as the majority of Mumsnet seem to love co-sleeping

[LukeMac49]

Sorry but I don't see how that is relevant, I'm concerned about the babies safety, nothing more nothing less

[LukeMac49]

She is breastfeeding yes but as mentioned in my post the cot is attached to the bed so it's pretty much equidistant from her whether she is in the bed or the cot.

[Emmamoo89]

@LukeMac49

Sorry but I don't see how that is relevant, I'm concerned about the babies safety, nothing more nothing less

Is she breastfeeding? Again if the mother feels comfortable it's totally fine.

[Emmamoo89]

@LukeMac49

She is breastfeeding yes but as mentioned in my post the cot is attached to the bed so it's pretty much equidistant from her whether she is in the bed or the cot.

It's always easier for her to have the baby next to her and naturally baby will be fine being next to mam. Baby has instinct to stay close to the boob.

[Emmamoo89]

Obviously*

[LukeMac49]

As a father I feel like my babies safety is my number one priority and it just feels like I'm being fobbed off for something that we both should be concerned about, safety.

[peachgreen]

@LukeMac49

She is breastfeeding yes but as mentioned in my post the cot is attached to the bed so it's pretty much equidistant from her whether she is in the bed or the cot.

Well that's good, because now – providing you're following safe bed-sharing guidance – you can stop worrying about it.

[Hugasauras]

I coslept with both of mine. As long as she follows the Lullaby Trust Safe 7, it's fine. If she's cosleeping unsafely then that's another thing, but safe cosleeping is common the world over and really biologically how babies are meant to be kept overnight. It's also far easier when breastfeeding and will maximise her sleep, which will reduce the risk of PND and improve her own wellbeing and health.

[LukeMac49]

How do I not get a day as my babies father? It feels like I'm just meant to accept that my babies safety isn't being looked at properly and it hurts that I've done everything she said but as soon as I mention one thing it's a complete no.

[BubziOwl]

If she's dealing with all night wakings and feedings, I think it's a little unfair to impose something that is going to leave her sleep deprived. Sleep deprived mums often fall asleep with babies whilst feeding - much more unsafe than planned cosleeping.

How safe is the cosleeping set up? Would you be more comfortable with it if you looked into the safest way to do it and implemented that?

[Hugasauras]

There's lots of good stuff here, but essentially there's a big difference between cosleeping in a safe bed set-up and falling asleep with baby on the sofa (ironically what quite a lot of people do as they're so determined to avoid co-sleeping), and the SIDS risk for safe co-sleeping is absolutely tiny https://www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/07/Co-sleeping-and-SIDS-A-Guide-for-Health-Professionals.pdf

[GettingJigglypuffWithIt]

@Emmamoo89

It's the mothers choice.

*it's the parent's choice.

There fixed it for you.

[Emmamoo89]

@GettingJigglypuffWithIt

*it's the parent's choice.

There fixed it for you.

Actually no it's the mother's.

[LukeMac49]

Thank you for your reply I didn't take sleep deprivation into consideration, does sleep deprivation increase any risk of the baby is in her own cot though?

[trampoline123]

I think it's unfair the dad gets no say.

If my partner felt as strongly as you I wouldn't co- sleep.

[OneMoreCookieMonster]

Op you're going to get slammed here just because you're a man stating and standing by a parenting and health and safety preference.

I get where you're coming from. I have baby of a similar age. (Second baby for me) I refuse to have baby in bed with us. To the point where when I do the middle of night feeds I take baby downstairs so I'm up and about and there's no risk of me falling asleep whilst feeding.

Unfortunately, your wife will do what she wants in regards to this. Although, I think she is showing a lack of respect to you and your preferences around this issue. You are not being unreasonable. The next to me cots were designed for this very reason. Safe co sleeping in their own space. Accidents do happen.

Please look up the safe co sleeping guidance on the baby sleep trust site. Print them off and go over them with your wife.
Remove pillows etc be strict with the guidance if this is what she insists. If the worse were to happen, if you didn't take the most caution you can, well it doesn't need to be said.

I think you have an overall bigger issue looming in your relationship as well. If you are unable to discuss parenting and preferences with her and she is unable to make comprises it's not going to be an easy ride. Resentment and fusteration will build. This isn't good for you, your wife or children. Please try to find someway of finding common ground.

I hope all works out well, you're both getting some sleep (yeah, yeah I know I'm just day dreaming) amd congratulations on your new baby

[BubziOwl]

@BubziOwl

If she's dealing with all night wakings and feedings, I think it's a little unfair to impose something that is going to leave her sleep deprived. Sleep deprived mums often fall asleep with babies whilst feeding - much more unsafe than planned cosleeping.

How safe is the cosleeping set up? Would you be more comfortable with it if you looked into the safest way to do it and implemented that?

I wasn't very clear when I wrote this - lots of mums breastfeeding lying down and fall asleep doing so which I believe is safe (someone correct me if not!)

But falling asleep whilst sat up in bed feeding, or sat on a sofa is not safe. As a PP said lots of cosleeping deaths ironically happen because a parent falls asleep whilst sat on a sofa or sat up in bed whilst desperately trying to avoid cosleeping! Been there done that - planned cosleeping is much safer.

[Everywherenowhere]

Absolute nonsense @Emmamoo89 i breastfed my baby, my sister her two babies, my SIL her 3 babies and all were in next to me. There is no requirement to co sleep to breastfeed.