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Advice needed - Babies sleeping arrangement quarrels!

83 replies

LukeMac49 · 24/07/2023 13:29

Hi all,

This is my first time posting anything on these sort of websites but I'm at my wit's end.

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TL:DR:
I'm asking my wife to put our baby in the cot rather than bed-sharing during the night and she absolutely refuses despite me doing everything for her and the baby is it a reasonable ask and is my wife right to completely refuse?
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As seen in the title myself and my wife completely disagree on where our baby of 2 months should sleep during the night. My wife is completely adamant that the baby should sleep in the same bed as her during the night and I am completely against this for a number of reasons:

  1. Unfortunately a couple of babies in my family have died from this exact thing, suffocation whilst sleeping in the same bed as the mother.
  2. I personally believe the baby will find it easier to sleep on their own crib/bed when they're a bit older if they're sleeping in their own cot now.
  3. I just generally think it's safer.


Now the reason why my wife likes the idea of the baby sleeping in the same bed is due to the baby sleeps better in the bed but surely that's because that's where she has always slept there and would need to adjust to the cot again?

On a bit of a personal note, I feel betrayed as my babies father as we have previously talked about this issue and I broke down in tears in front of my wife but she simply won't budge and also she was keeping the baby in the bed with her and I didn't know this was happening.

I feel like I'm not asking for the world here...We have a cot literally attached to the bed in the same room so I'm not seeing why she is so adamant on the baby being in the same bed.

I do everything around the house while she has the baby, cook, clean and work 9-5 on weekdays and I even converted to Islam for her!! But if I ask for the baby to be in the cot I'm the bad guy and I come across "controlling"... Am I asking for too much or being unreasonable??

If you've read this far thank you so much and please help!
OP posts:
LizHoney · 24/07/2023 21:18

Emmamoo89 · 24/07/2023 13:31

It's the mothers choice.

Why? OP is just as much a parent. What an old fashioned old bag you clearly are.

Goldbar · 24/07/2023 21:28

LizHoney · 24/07/2023 21:18

Why? OP is just as much a parent. What an old fashioned old bag you clearly are.

Presumably it's her choice here because she does the nights. If the OP resettled the baby, he could choose to put them down in their cot.

GoingGoingUp · 24/07/2023 21:33

Yet another case of a father who does nothing over night thinking he can dictate what the mother does to get through the night.

Perhaps if you did your fair share overnight rather than leaving it all to your wife, she might be more open to listening to your views.

Co-sleeping is perfectly acceptable and safe as long as the necessary rules are followed.

edgeware · 24/07/2023 21:36

I have been (as the mom) on both sides. With DS1 I always put him back in his cot after feeding, didn’t want him in our bed, but it was very difficult. The minute I’d put him down, he would wake back up. Which means that I would be awake. Repeat ad nauseum. With DS2, I left him in the bed with me after feeding and he would just sleep there, and latch himself back on when hungry. I practiced safe bedsharing and got about a million times more sleep than with DS1.
Your wife will instinctually want baby close, and you also need to respect that there are things about the mother-child bond that you do not understand and don’t get to override.

FoodFann · 24/07/2023 21:39

@LukeMac49 It is my opinion that a baby shouldn’t sleep in the parents’ bed. So no, I don’t think your request is unreasonable. But, what’s the point in asking us? It’s your wife’s opinion, and only hers, which matters. Sorry OP, you’ve got hugely different parenting ideas, and this would be a non-negotiable for me. We had discussed all these types of things before having a baby. Did you not know you were being chucked out of your room before you had the baby? IMO co-sleeping is not only unsafe, but also, a present father and marital harmony are essential to raising a happy child. So the effects of this decision on you, shouldn’t be underestimated, for the well-being and strength of the family. Your compromise with the next to me crib, is a perfectly good one.

I will add, in my friendship group, there are four families with new babies. Three families have turfed Dad out of his bedroom, and the baby sleeps with Mum. Two of these couples were already in separate bedrooms though. It seems awful to me and DH, we don’t understand it at all.

Good luck

peachgreen · 24/07/2023 22:02

When you start helping at night you can start having a day over how nights are handled – providing your wife is following the safe sleep guidelines, your baby is not at any greater risk than if they were in their own sleeping space.

premiom · 04/08/2023 03:31

Your wife will instinctually want baby close, and you also need to respect that there are things about the mother-child bond that you do not understand and don’t get to override.

This. Baby is used to mum's warmth & listening to her heartbeat for 9 months during pregnancy and would find it very soothing. You won't get it. It's natural for baby & mum to co-sleep as practiced by millions around the world.

JaukiVexnoydi · 04/08/2023 03:43

The baby needs to be within arms reach of mum. You aren't wrong to be concerned for baby's safety but you are infantilising your wife by not respecting and facilitating her agency to choose the solution that works for her.

We eventually used a bedside crib that I was happy with, having previously tried and failed to get on with variois gizzmos designed to make bedsharing safer - some of which our friends loved. Everyone is different. Help your wife find what works best for her. If that's not something you can easily adapt to you will need to sleep elsewhere.

I seriously doubt you do "everything". Would your wife agree with that statement?

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