Abortion Guilt

[CTC13]

Hi all,

I didn’t know where else to come for advice/support on this horrible subject.

My partner has just found out she’s pregnant again. We already have two sons and this would be our third child.

we’ve always talked about having a third but our youngest is only 7 months old.

My concern is mainly whether I can financially support my whole family with another baby. I don’t want to cause stress between me and my partner and consequently pass that stress on to my current two sons.

another worry is whether she’ll be able to cope with what will then be a 1 year old and a newborn at the same time as still giving our 5 year old what he needs.

I think because it’s obviously harder for her as she has to go through it, that she’s thinking less rationally than I may be.

But now I’m feeling guilt because in the back of my mind I’m thinking ‘well, what if it would work absolutely fine’.

We already struggle a little financially as the cost of living is increasing considerably and I don’t want to subject another baby to this stress if it’s going to make it harder on everyone including all of us a family unit.

I’d really appreciate the thoughts or advice from anyone whether you’ve been through this kind of thing or not.

Thanks

Have you discussed with financial implications with your partner, and what does she think?

“another worry is whether she’ll be able to cope with what will then be a 1 year old and a newborn at the same time as still giving our 5 year old what he needs.”

Are you able to support her to do so? It’s a team effort.

My kids are grown up now but we had a similar situation. DS#2 was born only 13 months after DS#1. We had zero help from families as they were both abroad, and my job was not very secure. It was very challenging but totally worth it.

I suggest that you both have an in depth chat about money and sharing housework/childcare and how you will economise after DC#3 is born, this will help manage expectations going forward.

This will make the future less stressy and help you provide a happy home for all your kids

The only relevant question here is-

What does your wife want to do?

Is it really the ONLY relevant question? Most people would discuss this as a team and it's sensible for the dad to hash out his own feelings without dumping on partner.

It's a lot to think about op, you both need to consider what the long term impact of abortion might be and weight it against the issues of having another child, hope you can both come to a decision together you agree on

My initial thoughts?

You wanted a third, you’ve got one. Timeline might not be right, but the baby years will be over quicker and the now 7 month old will have a playmate close in age. Babies don’t cost much in the immediacy. I get uni costs and teens are expensive- but you guys wanted a third anyway? Also, there will hopefully be pay rises and promotions, maybe your girlfriend returning to the workforce when the DC are older.

Later thoughts:

You haven’t even married the woman and she’s bearing your children, and potentially
facing the grim consequences of you ejaculating in her. Being forced think ‘rationally’ to make things less stressful for you.

When the dust has settled from whatever decision she makes, you need to marry as to grant the correct legal protections needed for sacrificing her own prospects, by caring for the babies that you put in her.

From the way you talk about your relationship- it seems like she is doing the lion’s share of childrearing at her own detriment whilst you work to support the family. Fine. I’m a SAHM myself. But she is the one carrying the risks and challenges of potential pregnancies, whilst looking after the children that you are already here- it’s very unfair to place that on a girlfriend who has zero legal status.

Whatever you think about marriage- you unfortunately don’t live in a country that recognises cohabitation and DC together as legally binding, so I’d right that pretty quickly. My legal wedding cost £160.

I think because it’s obviously harder for her as she has to go through it, that she’s thinking less rationally than I may be.

Does this part mean she wants to continue with the pregnancy?

Yes, it is the only question.

There is nothing in the first post to suggest their wife wants an abortion. In fact, him saying ”she’s thinking less rationally than I may be” suggests that she has the opposite opinion to the OP.

Ultimately, he can ask for all the advice he wants but if she doesn’t want an abortion, that’s all moot.

This is very telling though-

another worry is whether she’ll be able to cope with what will then be a 1 year old and a newborn at the same time as still giving our 5 year old what he needs.

It sounds like we have an OP who sees raising children as his wife’s job and doesn’t share the load.

I’m not replying to any comments on this at the moment but am very grateful for everyone’s non bias input.

However, please do not assume that I believe it is my partners responsibility only. What I meant was that I have to work to provide and in doing so, will have to reluctantly leave my partner at home with the two youngest children. Please don’t be naive and create an insulting remark.

Does she want to continue with the pregnancy?

Grim indeed. She should keep the baby and get rid of you OP. Love how you say you're not answering questions 😂

There are positives OP. If you have your third quickly, the amount of time your wife spends out of the workplace, is less in total.

baby clothes and kit will run from one baby straight to the next. They will be play mates, being so close in age.

What does your partner want? Talk to her, Be open about your concerns and listen to her feelings.

Oh I’m so sorry if you’re insulted by a concern based on the actual words you posted.

Sorrow… sorrow… prayers.

Has it crossed your mind that she isn't thinking 'less rationally' than you? Just the situation presented to her is very very different to the one you are presented with.

Depending on how far she is along and her own personal beliefs, it's a far more involved decision than systematically filtering though a list of pros and cons and deciding 'not ideal' then clicking cancel.

Also, if you put pressure on her and she does abort, she may well regret it. She'll then resent you.

You can worry all you want about how she'll cope but you'll just have to deal with whatever decision she makes.

And book in for a vasectomy then you'll not have this issue again.

Alwaysginplease, no I’m choosing not to because I didn’t come here for arguments I was told it was a great place for support. What a load of lies that was. I’ll be deleting the post once I know you’ve read this and won’t be using this community again. Not supportive or helpful at all.

Honestly this place was the worst recommendation I’ve had. People
assume so much about you if you don’t include your life story in the post. I wanted support and advice not insults and criticisms. Vile this place is.

Thank you for the genuinely helpful comments, MintJulia.

There really is some vile replies here. How, from a few paragraphs can anyone tell this man is a deadbeat dad? He seems as though he's providing for his family so that his wife can be a SAHM. He's also thinking in the best interests of his current children and his wife as to whether keeping the baby is right for them. Also, to anyone mentioning vasectomies, it takes two to tango and it's also on his wife to sort some birth control out for herself. Why the blame instantly goes on the male is beyond me...

Because he's the one that wants his partner to go through aborting a baby she wants.

Ignore the vile posters. MN is extremely anti-men.

All your concerns are valid, and ones that women have come on here and posted without such backlash.
Yes, at the end of the day it is your partners decision but you are entitled to an opinion.
Discuss what you have written here with your partner. You do need to look at practicalities such as finances and juggling 3 young children, but families cope with the same situation all the time and you will manage.

Saying that, when you are the growing the fetus and dealing with the hormones, practicalities are often eclipsed by emotions.

@titchy From what I've interpreted from it he seems as though he's on the fence. And although yes, his wife will get the final say, it is still something that needs to be discussed as they are a couple.

If I was to get pregnant I would be having a conversation with DH about what is best for our family. If he was telling her to get an abortion no questions asked, why would he posting here for advice?

It honestly sounds like he wants stories of where it has worked out for families. I really don't think he just wants to get rid of this baby and that's that.

It honestly sounds like he wants stories of where it has worked out for families. I really don't think he just wants to get rid of this baby and that's that.

Then his thread title should have been 'unexpected pregnancy guilt' and he'd have got lots of positive posts about how an unexpected third doesn't really cost anything, about how lovely small age gaps are etc etc.

But his thread title is 'abortion guilt'. Which makes it clear what his preference is.

Being truthful and honest in responses is support.

Which parts of my post do you consider 'vile' or by vile do you mean, not what you wanted to hear?

Because she seems to want this baby.

He doesn't.

Therefore, if he doesn't want the risk of pregnancy he needs to take steps. Birth control isn't just a woman's responsibly.

Entirely agree with this.

If the OP had said, 'we are unexpectedly going to have a third baby and I'm worried about how we will cope' the responses would be different.

However, from the original post it seems very clear what the OP thinks should happen but his partner isn't on the same page (otherwise there'd be no quandary).

OP I can't say from my own experience but my sister's dc2 und dc3 had exactly that age gap with another 5 years between dc1 und dc2. BIL is very involved but working full time and commutes 60 mind one way so rather restricted in his input. It's worked out quite well. Hard to see into other peoples' marriages but I know the real challenge only came when they recklessly decided for dc4 a few more years later - they now both admit having hugely underestimated the step from having 3 to having 4. Dc2 and 3 aren't particularly close despite being so close in age but all the kids together are very attached to each other (and have tried to badger their poor parents into providing them with another sibling!)

Talk with your partner, it's definitely doable if you are both behind it and contributing actively to family life. Agree with a pp though that marriage would be fair vis-a-vis your partner, as will be looking into securing her pension etc.