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Original poster

Overly attached child, please help!

43 replies

Parent007 · 01/01/2022 20:46

I am married but I feel like a I'm a single parent. My wife is non existent to our 4 yr old
She doesn't do anything for him, not even interested in anything regarding him. She cannot look after him for a few hours.
If I have to go out he will want to go with me and I tell him I'll be back then he goes to my mom(his grandmother) instead of staying with his own mom.
I work from him so I get him up, dressed, breakfast, pack bag for school take him to school, come home do my work, fetch him from school, make him lunch, finish work or play with him if he asks. I do this all day, I cannot even go to the toilet in peace then he comes to look for me.
He won't stay at his other grandparents, even when his own mother is there. He cries and they can't calm him or handle the crying so they bring him home. I had to leave a friend's birthday dinner because they brought him home. I don't have much friends, I don't speak to my wife or she to me. We only talk for our child. I'm so lonely I feel like I'm going to go insane. I did move out for 2months, my child ran after me and told me he wants to stay with me. Didn't want to go near his mother.
I can't even take a break because I have no one to help with him, or more like he won't let anyone else help. He will cry for me instead. I just need time for myself. I can't understand why his mother can't entertain him for a day

OP posts:
Branleuse · 01/01/2022 20:48

What does your wife do? Does she work?
Did she not want to have a baby?

Mwnci123 · 01/01/2022 21:02

One of my children prefers her dad and can be quite vocal about it. Me spending a lot of time with her and playing with her is the only thing that rebalances it a bit, so I think you and your wife have to find a way to talk about this and approach as a team.

Mwnci123 · 01/01/2022 21:03

Is there wraparound care at your child's school?

SleepingStandingUp · 01/01/2022 21:06

There's half a story missing here @Parent007. How does his Mom feel about this? Has she withdrawn? Has she always been withdrawn from him? Why won't you talk to your wife about it? What happens if you say "I'm just popping out" and leave the house with them both there and come back two hours later?

On the surface it seems your marriage is over and is suggest leaving /asking her to leave and you taking primary custody

Original poster
Parent007 · 01/01/2022 21:07

My wife does work, we have both been working from home although she does go into he office now and then. If she's not working then she's watching her shows or sleeping. Yes she did want a child and also does not want anymore even though I have been dying to have more. I just love kids. We were both down sick and she just left us, we had to take care of each other as sick as we were. She doesn't cook for me, we don't talk, we don't hang out, nothing absolutely nothing. But I don't see how a mother can ignore her own kid. When he was a baby she wouldn't let anyone help her with the child not even to give her a break then lord knows what happened and it's been like this for 3 years now. I just need a break!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/01/2022 21:10

You need to talk to her. What changed 3 years ago? How does she feel about DS?

If you need a break, can your parents have him overnight? Would also give you chance to TALK TO HER.

Original poster
Parent007 · 01/01/2022 21:10

I have left him with his mother and he will cry andcall me to come home. I explained that I will be back and he must stay with her but he refuses and continues crying and she can't handle it so then I must come home.

How she feels about this? Absolutely nothing, doesn't bother he. He will even say to her "you leave me alone" doesn't call her mom, mother, mommy nothing.

On some level he knows who is the primary caregiver but he is overly attached to me. I can't even go to toilet in peace otherwise he wants to sit and wait with me in the toilet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Parent007 · 01/01/2022 21:12

My parents are old. He loves my mom and says she is his beastie but they are old. So he doesn't stay with them for a little while if he knows I'm also in the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Parent007 · 01/01/2022 21:13

I don't know what changed in her. I use to cook and clean the house becasue I worked at home prior to lockdown. So she basically went to work and that was it. I didn't everything else. Past talks she agreed to make a change because I said I can't do this anymore but nothing has changed and I've reached a boiling point where I can't even go to breakfasts for 2 hours with my buddy

OP posts:
liltreasuretree · 01/01/2022 21:14

This sounds very exhausting for you and you definitely sound like you could do with some time out but I'm just wondering if your wife might be suffering with undiagnosed postnatal depression?

soapboxqueen · 01/01/2022 21:14

What does your wife say about it? Does she acknowledge there is a difference? Was your relationship working before you had your ds?

Tbh my initial thought is that she has depression, sometimes post natal depression can take a while to start. A friend of my mum's had it two years after the birth.

If she wanted children and then suddenly after a year of caring for the baby didn't want to know, it seems like an odd turn around for no reason.

Original poster
Parent007 · 01/01/2022 21:15

I'm not complaining about my kid, I love him and he means the world to me. I am all he has...i just thought my wife would be there to help and support. Nothing is appreciated and she knows how I feel but it's all just gone over her head

OP posts:
Original poster
Parent007 · 01/01/2022 21:16

@liltreasuretree she is a psychologist and doesn't want to see anyone. She is just ashes about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Parent007 · 01/01/2022 21:17

@soapboxqueen I've asked her to see someone, I've asked her to make a change, I don't know what she expected from being a mother. Children cry, they are children but it's like she freaks out with the crying.

OP posts:
soapboxqueen · 01/01/2022 21:17

Is that, she knows she has a problem and doesn't want to see anyone or she doesn't think she has a problem?

Bunce1 · 01/01/2022 21:18

This is so sad for you and your son and it’s abusive. It’s emotional abusive

Original poster
Parent007 · 01/01/2022 21:19

It's a little bit of both. I mean I moved out and all she did was cry for a bit and said she will make a change and she didn't. Still the same old stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
Parent007 · 01/01/2022 21:19

My dear friend who has been a great ear has suggested I take my child to see a play therapist... I'm considering it but I don't know what play therapy is

OP posts:
Steelesauce · 01/01/2022 21:20

Leave her, with your child. She sounds lazy! If this was a woman talking about her husband, it would be all LTB!

Branleuse · 01/01/2022 21:22

I think it sounds like the relationship is over. You need to take your boy, as i think his mother ignoring him is exacerbating his insecurity and this will be why he needs you so much.
It feels like its a lot right now, but he will get older and youll get more time. Maybe meet your friend somewhere that your child can go too. Its like this for a lot of single parents before the child starts school.
He is clingy because he feels at risk of abandonment.
You have to let him be close to you at this time or it could make it worse. Remind him that you will never leave him

Original poster
Parent007 · 01/01/2022 21:23

I've tried doing that but then he calls me from her phone, yes a 4 yr old and I explain his going to stay with her but he refuses and cries and it breaks my heart. I'm torn and I can't understand why a mother can't look after their own kid.

OP posts:
soapboxqueen · 01/01/2022 21:24

The thing is, it can be really hard to know that you are mentally unwell. It's not like you can see it on your face or skin.

She may have convinced herself that she isn't a good mum. That your ds prefers you because she's so terrible at parenting even though it's a vicious circle of a potential depression + cause/effect.

Does your ds go to nursery? If not I think it'll be good to get that started, then at least you'd have a break. If he does, how does he get on with being left there?

Original poster
Parent007 · 01/01/2022 21:25

Thank you all for the advice and kind words. This is how my near year got started

OP posts:
traka · 01/01/2022 21:25

MN advice to a woman in this situation (or pretty much any situation) would be to leave or the old favourite "run for the hills"

I would sit your wife down, tell her how you feel and what you want and expect from her as a parent. If things don't improve I'd consider leaving as it sounds like she's checked out already

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/01/2022 21:25

You need a divorce and to take your son with you. The atmosphere in your home is toxic and she’s damaging him every day with her lack of interest, engagement and care. There’s no marriage left to save, call it a day. You can’t leave your child with her.