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Dadsnet

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Original poster

Overly attached child, please help!

43 replies

Parent007 · 01/01/2022 20:46

I am married but I feel like a I'm a single parent. My wife is non existent to our 4 yr old
She doesn't do anything for him, not even interested in anything regarding him. She cannot look after him for a few hours.
If I have to go out he will want to go with me and I tell him I'll be back then he goes to my mom(his grandmother) instead of staying with his own mom.
I work from him so I get him up, dressed, breakfast, pack bag for school take him to school, come home do my work, fetch him from school, make him lunch, finish work or play with him if he asks. I do this all day, I cannot even go to the toilet in peace then he comes to look for me.
He won't stay at his other grandparents, even when his own mother is there. He cries and they can't calm him or handle the crying so they bring him home. I had to leave a friend's birthday dinner because they brought him home. I don't have much friends, I don't speak to my wife or she to me. We only talk for our child. I'm so lonely I feel like I'm going to go insane. I did move out for 2months, my child ran after me and told me he wants to stay with me. Didn't want to go near his mother.
I can't even take a break because I have no one to help with him, or more like he won't let anyone else help. He will cry for me instead. I just need time for myself. I can't understand why his mother can't entertain him for a day

OP posts:

Original poster

Parent007 · 01/01/2022 21:26

@soapboxqueen yes he is at school until midday. He loves school. When it's school holidays he wants to go to school.

OP posts:

liltreasuretree · 01/01/2022 21:26

Obviously as you know it will have a huge impact on your son emotionally and mentally which could end up affecting him long term. I think you need to put your son first and move back out with him. If you're doing everything anyway it won't make any difference to you and certainly won't mean any extra work.
It's just so heartbreaking to think how your little boy is feeling.

Branleuse · 01/01/2022 21:26

I think you misunderstood. People are saying take your child and leave. Just you and him.

Original poster

Parent007 · 01/01/2022 21:28

Yes she has checked out on both of us unfortunately

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 01/01/2022 21:28

and continues crying and she can't handle it what happens? Does she just keep calling you, ignore him, beat him?
She is just ashes about it what does this mean?

Honestly I think you need to ask her to leave or otherwise leave with the child. You'll find it less suffocating raising him ALONE than raising him alone with her shouting surly in the background

Original poster

Parent007 · 01/01/2022 21:29

@Branleuse no I got that message loud and clear. It's a difficult topic and conversation to have. I need to think about how I want to approach it

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 01/01/2022 21:31

[quote Parent007]@Branleuse no I got that message loud and clear. It's a difficult topic and conversation to have. I need to think about how I want to approach it[/quote]
You need to think about the emotional damage she is causing your child and protect him.

Could you and he stay with your parents for a short while?

Original poster

Parent007 · 01/01/2022 21:32

We never shout around him ever. When he cries, yes she keeps calling and messaging for me to come home. Or will give him sweets at 10pm just to make him stop @SleepingStandingUp

I'm going to call a meeting because I can't do this anymore. I need someone who is supportive and a mother to my kid and a spouse to me

OP posts:

soapboxqueen · 01/01/2022 21:34

[quote Parent007]@soapboxqueen yes he is at school until midday. He loves school. When it's school holidays he wants to go to school.[/quote]
OK so he feels safe at school but not with his mum or with other people.

I would, in the first instance try contacting the school nursing team or your GP, and ask about services that might be available to help. You could also have a chat with school and see if they've noticed him being particularly anxious at times or if they can sign post to any other services.

Yes play therapy is a thing but it might depend on where you live as to if there are any locally or if they feel they'd be able to help. It more than likely won't be cheap either. You can always contact some and see what they can offer.

If you're wife isn't keen on getting support and you feel this can't go on any longer, you can leave and take your ds with you or tell her to leave.

PartyPrawnRingGames · 01/01/2022 21:44

It does sound like your wife may be depressed or have some kind of mental health issue. To go from never letting anyone help with the baby (which sounds a bit unhealthy in a different way) to taking zero interest in him makes me suspect a issue. It's not fair on you and your son to live with someone who is not coping and refuses to get help but people with mental issues can make poor choices about getting help so I think you need to start in a supportive way and see if you can encourage her to seek help. If she is close to her family maybe talk to them and see if they agree she has changed and would support you in encouraging her to get some treatment. I think this is your first step because if it works and she gets some help and improves it will be the best outcome for your family. Even if the marriage doesn't work out it would be much better for your son if his mum was healthier and able to build a better relationship with him.

GettingItOutThere · 01/01/2022 21:45

shes checked out OP, and reading it i feel so sad for your son firstly and you 2nd.

During the holidays as a short term plan, can he do holiday club? Would give you some space, and help him get new friends and form relationships?

or how about a childminder? another adult he can latch onto?

You need to talk to your wife but if this was a man who had checked out id be giving same advice of divorce. sole custody.

Sad situation

wingingit987 · 01/01/2022 21:53

If you were a mother saying a father was being like this we would be telling you to take your kid and run.....

So in this situation I would say the same. Run. Ask her to leave, you may find it's easier without her.

Goodnessrosee · 01/01/2022 21:54

Not trying to offend anyone, but something isn't adding up. You have a mother who has gone from doting on her kid to being completely withdrawn. There's always two sides to a story! What OP have you done to support your wife? What happened in the interim between her being a doting mum to now acting withdrawn?
Also I think you should show more compassion as she may be depressed. Yes me and other PPs recognise it is hard but your role as a husband and father is not only to look after your DS but also your wife. Stop putting statements out there like "I can't understand why a mother would/wouldn't do XYZ". Women (rightly or wrongly) go everyday being in your shoes and get on with it AND also look after their spouse.
I think if we had your wife's side of the story everyone's advice on here may be different.
I don't think you should be considering leaving your wife right now, at least not before trying to see things through her eyes and offering her whatever support she needs.

liltreasuretree · 01/01/2022 21:55

@PartyPrawnRingGames

This is very good advice

FFSFFSFFS · 01/01/2022 21:59

You moved out and left your child in that environment for two months? Poor poor child.

It sounds like you are going to need to step up and be the primary caregiver.

Sad for sure. But also something that many many many women do.

Bunce1 · 01/01/2022 21:59

It’s not shouting or you two arguing that’s the problem. It’s the total lack of interest in your son that’s the problem. And just so you hear it. It’s catastrophically damaging for him.

Branleuse · 02/01/2022 11:10

Is the mother on any sort of antidepressants? I wonder if it would be something as simple as that to start to try and turn things around?

What about your relationship with her? If youre not convinced to leave with your son, then the other option must surely be to try and rekindle your relationship. That starts with showing her you are a safe person and on her side emotionally.
Or try and establish what the both of you really want. An honest intimate talk where you both accept and try and understand without judgement or criticism. Trying to see where the other person is coming from.

If someone is particularly sensitive to rejection for example (not saying its the case), maybe Rejection sensitive dysphoria, then a child acting like they hate and are rejecting them, might make them retreat rather than try and fix the problem, which could then spiral into a mental health crisis if they also feel that the partner is criticising them as well as the child.

Obviously adults need to be mature about this stuff and rejecting everybody is not ok, but im saying that if you actually want it to work and get better, then being angry and critical about her failings will make the issue worse.
At this point maybe its worth a try

NowEvenBetter · 03/01/2022 12:35

Take action, your son is being damaged by your toxic home environment, he needs therapy immediately and to be removed from your awful house where his mother has no interest and you and her don’t speak. Your marriage is dead, just finalise it with a divorce. These are two very obvious things you should already have done.

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