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Original poster

Advice needed

77 replies

Inno07ML · 11/04/2021 12:42

My wife and I had separated, and we were going thru a divorce, I have moved out.
We have 3 children 24, 18, 8 years old.

My eldest is fine with me, 18 doesn't want to talk to me, my 8 old I'm told is scared of me, which I do not belive as with all my children I got on very well with them all. I believe they have been drip fed poison about me by my wife and her family, I've not seen them for the best part of a year.

Last week my wife died in a tragic accident at home after falling down the stairs and my 18 year old daughter found her when she got up for work.
They are currently residing with my in laws. Who do not want me to go to there house to see them.
I know am now there legal Guardian. But I don't know the best way to move forward as they have just lost their daughter and the kids have lost their mum.

On a side note, what should I do about the maintenance I am paying into my 18 year old bank account?

OP posts:
Original poster
Inno07ML · 11/04/2021 21:35

@MozzarellaMonster

I think what initial posters said about counselling would be the way forward if you can afford it? You don't have to answer but it might be helpful to know what caused your marriage to split and if this will have any bearing on relations with the in-laws? Hopefully they would be willing to discuss arrangements with you..
Unfortunately I can't give the full details, as I have mentioned, however it was a breakdown mainly due to her alcoholism and her unwillingness to work with me to get her off the alcohol. I hope her family will work with me in time once the grief receded a bit
OP posts:
RachelRavenRoth · 11/04/2021 21:35

You're paying the maintenance straight to your 18 year old already. why do you think it would now be any different?

Original poster
Inno07ML · 11/04/2021 21:41

@RachelRavenRoth

You're paying the maintenance straight to your 18 year old already. why do you think it would now be any different?
Because the actual contract is between myself and a legal body and my wife. As she has past away now, I just wondered what happens now and if anyone else had gone thru this.

I've no way ever thought about stopping paying it.

OP posts:
RachelRavenRoth · 11/04/2021 21:55

Because the actual contract is between myself and a legal body and my wife
So cms?

RunHobbitRun · 11/04/2021 21:59

You might find that your wife's family will attempt to apply for legal guardianship of your youngest child so I would definitely take steps to ensure that your voice is heard.

I think Social Services might be your best approach here. Contact them and let them know that your estranged wife has passed away and you'd like to initiate steps for your youngest to live with you with once more.

They're also better placed to establish if you really are the best place for the youngest to reside. If they decide against you for whatever reason, don't give up but work with them to rebuild a relationship with your youngest two children.

I'm taking what you've posted at face value as I would any other poster and wish you the best in trying to move forward from this.

Original poster
Inno07ML · 11/04/2021 22:17

@RachelRavenRoth

Because the actual contract is between myself and a legal body and my wife So cms?
Yes that's right. It's till August but I don't know what happens then.

@RunHobbitRun
Thank you for your post. I found it valuable as I have with only 1 or 2 others

OP posts:
RachelRavenRoth · 11/04/2021 22:51

Are cms taking it directly from your wage and paying it to your dd? That sounds so odd if thats the case. Presumably, at 18, it would be down to you to support your dd without their involvement.

What’s your plan now re: the 8 yr old?

Original poster
Inno07ML · 11/04/2021 23:27

@RachelRavenRoth

Are cms taking it directly from your wage and paying it to your dd? That sounds so odd if thats the case. Presumably, at 18, it would be down to you to support your dd without their involvement.

What’s your plan now re: the 8 yr old?

No they advised me how much to pay after I gave them all my details, and I upped it slightly, I asked a few times for the bank account to paying into and also my solicitor asked hers but never had a reply, so the only way I could get it to her was into my daughters bank account. But that contract runs out in August and I don't know what happens then.

As for my 8 year old, I'm happy for him to be with his grandparents especially while it's school holidays, and up until the funeral, but I want him after then. He should be with dad. One that loves and cares for him and wants what's best for his future.

OP posts:
RachelRavenRoth · 12/04/2021 00:10

In that case it really isnt anything to do with cms, so just keep paying as long as she needs it.

I meant what is your plan to get your 8 yr old back?

UhtredRagnarson · 12/04/2021 07:40

I'm happy for him to be with his grandparents especially while it's school holidays, and up until the funeral, but I want him after then.

“I want him after then”

He isn’t a toy! It’s not about what you want. It’s about what’s best for this grieving 8 year old who is estranged from and frightened of you.

User5747384 · 12/04/2021 08:23

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yahyahs22 · 12/04/2021 08:37

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notagainmummy · 12/04/2021 08:49

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UhtredRagnarson · 12/04/2021 10:04

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Original poster
Inno07ML · 12/04/2021 10:05

@yahyahs22 thank you and also to @notagainmummy its nice to have comments from decent people instead of most of the horrible ones

There is no one right now in the family home and while it is a very good idea to have my youngest visit to get him happier to move back, his grandparents live just over 100 miles away and are in and around their 80's so it would be hard for them, but it is definitely something I could suggest to them.

@RachelRavenRoth
I do not have a plan, as I do not know what's the best to get him back where he should be, with his father who loves and cares for him immensely.
I will do what I can and I understand it may be tough for me to work with my grieving in-laws right now.

OP posts:
MNHQ
YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 12/04/2021 10:46

Hello. We're getting a number of reports about this thread - can we remind everyone that our Talk Guidelines do not allow personal attacks against other posters. Please keep it civil. Thank you.

SatsumasOrClementines · 12/04/2021 11:06

@Inno07ML whether your son is scared of you for valid reasons or whether it’s because, as you say, his mind has been ‘poisoned’ - the reason doesn’t really matter, both of these result in your son being scared of you.

Don’t you think family therapy might be a sensible first step rather than jumping to forcing a young boy to live with someone he is afraid of?

Build a relationship first, then think about living arrangements.

Original poster
Inno07ML · 12/04/2021 11:24

[quote SatsumasOrClementines]@Inno07ML whether your son is scared of you for valid reasons or whether it’s because, as you say, his mind has been ‘poisoned’ - the reason doesn’t really matter, both of these result in your son being scared of you.

Don’t you think family therapy might be a sensible first step rather than jumping to forcing a young boy to live with someone he is afraid of?

Build a relationship first, then think about living arrangements.[/quote]
I totally understand everything your saying, but I need to find out the facts, I do not know if he really is scared of me or not as I have spoke to him on Vidcalls, and he seems fine with me, telling me he loves me and misses me, it's only those that have him that tell me he's scared of me. I need to know the truth. But until I can have communication with him I won't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Inno07ML · 12/04/2021 11:26

@YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet

Hello. We're getting a number of reports about this thread - can we remind everyone that our Talk Guidelines do not allow personal attacks against other posters. Please keep it civil. Thank you.
Thank you @YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet however you have seemed to of deleted some kind genuine comments from @yahyahs22 and @notagainmummy
OP posts:
SatsumasOrClementines · 12/04/2021 11:38

I do not know if he really is scared of me or not as I have spoke to him on Vidcalls, and he seems fine with me, telling me he loves me and misses me, it's only those that have him that tell me he's scared of me. I need to know the truth. But until I can have communication with him I won't know.

The thing is, if he is scared of you he’s not going to be able to tell you to your face. He’s going to hide it. He can also love you and be scared of you at the same time, they don’t cancel each other out.

Professional help, like family therapy, will help with that. If therapy uncovers he’s not scared of you at all then that wouldn’t that be great?

Don’t you feel he’d really benefit from it anyway? He hasn’t seen his father for a year and his mother has just died.

RB68 · 12/04/2021 11:59

You need to work WITH PIL and maybe also commence supervised contact. More tricky with 18 yr old. Maybe have a heart to heart with 24 yr old to suss out what the situation was in the home for them all. THey may be a good intermediary as they are old enough and mature enough to understand the situation. You particularly need to be careful that the situation isn't manipulated so that the PIL make out that as there has been no physical contact for a year that they should get residency on a permanent basis. You do need to involve support services, those children need support to have contact with you, get over their mothers tragic and horrendous death but also undo any damage done by living with a parent that would appear to have been alienating you from those children
.

Tom2021 · 14/04/2021 17:06

I divorced in March last year and now live with my new partner, 35 miles away from the home of my two children (aged 6 & 11). My children ex expects me to have them every other weekend and every Wednesday night. Ok am pushing back, saying every other Wednesday. Thoughts would be welcome. Thanks

Elieza · 14/04/2021 19:28

OP some kind of family mediation sounds the best way forward. Get legal advice as well. Whatever’s happened in the past your children need to know you love them and that you will be there for them.

@Tom2021 I think that one weeknight and every other weekend is the norm these days. It’s usually the done thing that if you move away you need to do the travelling.
Does your wife work on a Wednesday? Perhaps that’s why she chose that night, although if she doesn’t perhaps you could do another night instead. Out if 14 days having them just 5 doesn’t seem like a bad deal. If anything I’d want them more.

Elieza · 14/04/2021 19:29

So her 6 sounds fine to me.

RachelRavenRoth · 14/04/2021 19:41

@Tom2021

I divorced in March last year and now live with my new partner, 35 miles away from the home of my two children (aged 6 & 11). My children ex expects me to have them every other weekend and every Wednesday night. Ok am pushing back, saying every other Wednesday. Thoughts would be welcome. Thanks
That’s pretty standard. Why dont you want them every wednesday?