SAHD. Taking the plunge?

[DaDaDa]

I'm thinking about leaving my current job, which I've been in for 11 years, to be become a SAHD and eventually retrain, possibly as a Primary teacher. My wife and I are pretty equal in terms of income, but recently my industry has been affected by the economy and I fear for my long term prospects (it's a 'young mans game'). It's also very London based and we'd like to move out eventually. DW's job is more stable long term.

DS is 1 and is currently at a childminder 4 days a week, but we're not totally happy with how things are working out.

I guess I'm lookings for anecdotal advice/opinion from those who are/have been SAHD's.

My concerns are:

*Once I leave my job (it's creatively fulfilling, but vacuous) I won't be able to go back, as technology will move on. How will future employers view my 'sabbatical'.

*Will my DW's perception of me change when I'm not working (she's adamant it won't but...)

*Will DW become jealous of the time I spend with DS

*We can manage finacially on one salary (just) at the moment, but what if we have a 2nd child as we hope.

I don't know. I suppose I just needed to type it out really, but any thoughts are welcome.

DaDaDa I can't help but will be watching your thread with interest - dh and I have always had dream that I would be main breadwinner and he, SAHD. Circumstances, however, mean he is sole breadwinner and I am SAHM 6m ds atm. I think I should still be able to get back into my career, especially if I pull the proverbial, but yes... some of your questions have occurred to me, too.

Good luck with making your decision

Oh, forgot to mention that I'd be taking an enormous pay cut in my future career, and that makes me feel guilty in a macho 'I should be providing for my family' sense if I willingly jump from my current position.

Redundancy would be the ideal!

Hi,

My DH has been a SAHD since our DS1 (now 8) was four months old. I don't think he has any intention of ever going back to work if he can help it! I am a lawyer and work four days a week.

Like everything else it has some advantages and some disadvantages, and how it works out will depend a lot on what you and your DW are like as people and what your relationship is like.

I suppose that if I am honest, I have furiously resented the fact that DH has been able to spend all this time with our children that I haven't, and the fact that he then has the temerity to grumble sometimes about what hard work it is, just adds fuel to the fire really.

On the other hand, I like the fact that I earn the money and am not reliant on DH and that I don't have the vista of staring into a lonely future at home when the DSs are older.

The thing that worries me most is that if DH and I split up, I probably wouldn't get residence of the children. Which means I feel that no matter how bad things got, I could never ever leave.

"The thing that worries me most is that if DH and I split up, I probably wouldn't get residence of the children"

No offence intended Dinosaur, but if you're thinking that way, does that reflect well on the effect him being a SAHD has had on your relationship?

No offence taken, DaDaDa! I don't think it's anything to do with him being a SAHD, really. I think the issues we have, we would still have if he was working outside the home.

But I do think that a lot of women don't realise that if they are WOHM and their partner is a SAHD, they run a very grievous risk of losing their children if they split up.

Is that right? Is that down to length of time as primary carer?

"I suppose that if I am honest, I have furiously resented the fact that DH has been able to spend all this time with our children that I haven't, and the fact that he then has the temerity to grumble sometimes about what hard work it is, just adds fuel to the fire really."

I guess these are the same issues for some SAHM's and WOHD's. We miss the kids and are jealous of that, while the SAHM feels their hard work is taken for granted. No win situation all round really. I would be looking at returning to work once kids were old enough for Nursery, but teaching would make childcare easier.

I hope I haven't painted too furiously negative a picture. Obviously there have been some good aspects to it all too! Honest!

I would think looking at our school gate, you would be in good company. We have 4 sahd's in my dds reception class of 25, which to my mind can only be a good thing.

Heh. I'm picturing you more as a T Rex than a Diplodocus, Dinosaur!

No, I'm much more of a brachiosaur!

I have tried to persuade DH that his vocation lies as a primary school teacher - and he would make a very good teacher!

It didn't work for me and and my ex.

I felt he neglected ds1, contributing to his speech problem by not responding to his babble, didn't do enough with him, and wasted what little money we had - but like dinosaur, didn't feel able to leave him because of residency.

However, he walked out of job after job until I gave up and went to work (resentfully) as a care assistant so we could afford to live, and I never forgave him for it.

YOUR decision would be joint, and you are not likely to struggle financially ... but is she happy for you to have the major say in the children's life? Or will she ifght you from a position of ignorance ofn every single thing?

My dh was in effect a SAHD for the first 2 years of ds1's life. We had recently moved for my (then) new job when I got pg with ds1, and deh had just finished his degree and was planning to do a doctorate, so no choice really. I have to admit I was incredibly jealous and did resent it, and that was although my job was so flexible (I could do masses of it at home and we lived 10 mins' walk away) that I still had lots of time with ds1. In effect I was a SAHM, a WAHM and a WOHM all at the same time and (I felt) had the shit bits of all of them When I was pg with ds2 I changed jobs and went pt, and dh got PhD funding, and now I'm at home with the boys for a year and love it.

I must (a little grudgingly) admit, though, having had so much of dh has been nothing short of brilliant for ds1. My personal feeling about our set-up is that it's been great to have one parent SAH in the early years.

Please don't worry about the macho provider thing. Honestly, that has almost never been an issue for me (has been an enormous one for dh, though...). I have always been proud of dh for SAH, rather than my perception of him changing in a negative way.

Part of my deep discontent with WOHM was the fact tht, to pay the bills, I've had to do jobs that are relatively far away from what I and most people who know me feel is my vocation (academic work). I'm squeezing a project in this year to get me back in. Don't underestimate the effect of discontent with work. If teaching feels right to you, I'd be inclined to go for it.

Thanks Colditz. So it was never an actual decision that he would stay at home, more circumstance?

My DW is happy enough to be back at work, but feels by cutting her hours to 9-5, 4 days, she's not doing either the job or childcare well and finds that very frustrating. She didn't unequivocally enjoy her 11 months as a SAHM, and says she'd just be happy to know that DS was being looked after by someone she trusts to love him and give him fuller attention than a CM. As I said, I worry if this would be the case long term. Career wise, I'm not ambitious as I've progressed as far as I can in my current line of work and feel like I'm treading water, although it's a fun job.

A big consideration is that we've always been looking for an 'escape route' out of London (to have a house, nearer to relatives etc), and we need to get the timing of that right.

DaDaDs - your dw might well have negative feelings about the SAHD/WOHM setup, especially when it's up and going, as well as positive ones - but IME you do what's most feasible in the situation and you get on with it. Whenever I let off steam and sadness to dh, he was all 'I'll get a job' (not very likely without the PhD he's doing, due to his peculiar qualification and experience mix and the very difficult German job market - whereas employers are all over me here, because they just love English speakers) - it took forever to explain to him that I knew our set-up was the best route long-term to get where we wanted to be, I knew it wouldn't be forever and I was fine, really, with getting on with it - but did want to let my feelings out sometimes.

Could work quite well. Thing that i remember from my SAHM days is that the jobs are never ending, there is always something more to be done. You see this (cos you are at home all the time) but dp doesn't. You get cross because you are on your feet from 6 in the morning til 11 at night and he has time to relax and read the paper after work. You get resentful and cross and he is all "what did i do?"!
Think men are much better at defining their roles than women. So SAHD would say- i don't do cleaning/shoppng i have enough to do with childcare and cooking. He doesn't get resentful everybody is happy

Hi Dadada, DH and I also decided to do this when DS was 4mo. DH had a good job, but mine had far better perks/prospects, and to be honest, I could never see myself as a SAHM.

I was really scarey - but quite liberating too - for both of us. I had to adjust to being the sole breadwinner, and we both had to change our attitudes to money since we needed to cut back a lot to make this work. But we both saw it as a challenge and to be honest we've really enjoyed it.

In answer to your queries:

*Once I leave my job (it's creatively fulfilling, but vacuous) I won't be able to go back, as technology will move on. How will future employers view my 'sabbatical'.

• You're right. Things will change and it will be very difficult to go back. One option is to see it as a good time for a complete career change.

*Will my DW's perception of me change when I'm not working (she's adamant it won't but...)

• It'll probably depend on her. The only way my attitude to DH has changed is my admiration of the way he has adapted to this role, and how well he deals with our LO. Other than that, he's still DH!

*Will DW become jealous of the time I spend with DS

• Possibly. Sometimes I've been quite sad when DS hasn't wanted to come to me when he's been unhappy, and he definitely favours DH. (Ironically, now he's a little older he seems to be starting to see me as 'fun mummy' and won't go to DH at the weekends or in the evenings, so it's swings and roundabouts). However, the bottom line is that I know that what we're doing is in DS's best interest - and that's what most important.

*We can manage finacially on one salary (just) at the moment, but what if we have a 2nd child as we hope.

• You will be able to cope! Honestly! We shop differently now, and really enjoy seeing how little we can cook a meal for! It's just a different attitude, that's all! Don't forget that you'll have more time to be able to pop into the supermarkets to see what's been reduced/on sale that day. And shop around for some of the less obvious things (insurance/utilities companies etc) - it's amazing what you can save.

I would definitely say go for it - it's without a doubt the best thing we could have done. (DH posts on here sometimes - I'll try to send him along later to add his opinion..)

I think I would have the benefit of DW already having done it and knowing how hard it was.

She's, um, not particularly exacting when it comes to housework so I wouldn't have much to live up to there! Better not show her this thread!

I also realise how hard it is, and after a few days of bemusement at what a tip the place was when she was at home, came to understand the impossibility of doing much housework while juggling a baby. Our DS is a whirlwind: no wonder the CM seems exhausted by him.

I am a SAHD as i work from home and at weekends.

I did have a full-time job as a supermarket manager but it meant that we weren't spending much time together as a family and i was forever turning down my own private work at the weekends or going into work with little or no sleep. I guess the decision to give up the day job was simple in that aspect.

I was worried about the change in dynamics and the fact that i might not handle it as i have always worked.

Turns out i had nothing to worry about. Wife is now concentrating on her career and is progressing really well, she enjoys the fact that she can relax knowing that one of us is with the kids and taking care of the house stuff rather than a nanny or childminder. There was always this pressure on her to finish on time and rush home and feel guilty.

The first few months were a little strange for me as i kind of sat about doing fuck all for the first few weeks, thinking it was like a holiday. Then got i really frustrated at the constant attention that the kids needed and the lack of space i had to myself.

I sorted this out by getting the wee one packed off to places, going to the gym more regularly and allocating certain nights of the week as 'me' time where i spend it with my mates as you kind of miss adult company when you are with kids all day.

Make sure you do this as spending 24/7 with kids is not good for your mental health or their development. You need some space to yourself or you would go mad.

It's worked out perfectly - i am spending a load of time with them and getting my own space when they are both at school now and we have every weekend together without the stress of doing shitty housework. We just mess about and go out loads. During the week i do my own work and fart about with the housework. It's easy to do and doesn't take much time. I hate ironing most - but i just set it up in the lounge and listen to music whilst i am doing it and it flies by.

It doesn't bother me about her earning the regular wage at all. Your mates will rib you occasionally about it - but mine also tell me that they wish they could do what i do.

The house isn't as tidy or organised as it would be if it was the other way round but the DW doesn't care about that - the fact that we are so much happier in every other way makes this seem trivial.

Hope you go for it

Thanks Gumbo, that's a really useful perspective. I think I would enjoy it as I am a real potterer and love spending time with DS, although I'm sure I'd have to find a way to replace the adult interaction I get at work.

Could do with some of the blokes coming along now. They're all obviously far too busy!

X posts with Eric.

Do you mind me asking what work you do from home Eric? Don't worry if you don't want to blow RL cover.

Yeah my wife too. She was a SAHM for a wee while a few years ago and she quite honestly admitted that she hated it and was shit at it.

I am a lot more relaxed about it and manage it fine. Also stricter with the kids which she likes as well. She likes to come home and undo all my good work!

DJ/Producer/Music Journalist/Work for music websites and magazines.

I basically listen to music, write reviews and pieces, interview DJ's/producers, make up mixes and tracks and all that kind of jazz.

As my gigs are at weekends mostly, it works fine.

Pretty much your dream job I guess?!

My current job is a specialised audio field, but sometimes I feel a bit of a fraud as I rather fell into it. Teaching will be a lot less glamorous, and harder work, but the thought of it nags away at me. I guess I need to do some work experience to see if it suits me.

Yeah - it's perfect for me as i have all the gear i need at home and a lot of it is done via web. Would never have been able to do this ten years ago of course.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm. You're the kind of guy who's probably going to contribute to putting us out of business eventually!

Recording technology is so much more accessible nowadays, and people working from home have more time and less overheads than studio facilities.

More power to you though.