Moving for my wife

[justgivein]

We have lived in the same town for twenty years.Have a nice house,loads of room ,get on with the neighbours,there is absolutely no reason why we should move but my wife really wants to.We have found a really nice town not far away and I must admit it's great and when I'm there I could see my self being quite happy but when I get home I change my mind .We had problems before with neighbours in our last two houses and part of the reason is that I'm concerned this could happen again.My two eldest want to move ,my daughter I just don't know.But its convenient at the moment my granddaughters school being down the road for helping with pick ups and taking to school. She's split from her boyfriend but they get on well and I help him out with the school runs too which helps with their work.
I really want my wife to be happy and financially we would be better off too.But I'd rather struggle and live here for a lot longer I just don't know what to do.Anybody here move house for their partners ,how did it work out.Should I just bite the bullet and put my wife first and move?

follow your heart 🌺

Thankyou. But I still feel torn between my wife that I've been married to for thirty years and she is my world and I love very much.But my house ,I know only Bricks and mortar but I love it too.The neighberhood is very safe,I get on with my neighbour who is like a friend,she's in her eighties,my granddaughter's school five minutes away I'm just so happy living here and I'm not great with change.Far worst going on in the world think I should put what is most important first my wife's happiness. Thanks.

What are your wife’s reasons for wanting to move?

Sounds like it is a financial struggle to stay where you are, is that why? Or does she prefer to be in the town ? Less house to look after? I’m just guessing but would be helpful to know her reasons.

Why does she want to move? Can she explain why, or is it just to have a change?

What’s is your “gut” telling you ?

Difficlut to say without knowing your wife'e reasoning. How long has she felt this way?

Perhaps you could start by seeing if there is anything you could change about the current house which might make her feel more contented there - e.g redecoration, new kitchen, sorting out the garden or whatever?

Eh, women move for men all the time

What are your options?

You both move
You both stay where you are
Your wife moves and you stay where you are

If you've had it your own way for so long maybe it's about time you live somewhere your wife wants to live. Sounds like you value your house more than your wife

The other day she said she needed something to look forward to.It used to be holidays but of course not happening anytime soon.Also not wanting to bump into other Mums from school days,she is a very private person just wants to start again in a new town we living here twenty years which she states alot.Probably silly stressing about it just get on with moving her happiness I think is the most important thing.My gut said do it.Thanks

Maybe say if she wants to move fine but you'll decide where.

I think you need to get to the bottom of why though. There seems to be something else going on. I get the whole privacy thing. I have to drive somewhere for a run cos I'm fed up of seeing people I know but I'd rather drive for 4 mins than move so I go to the next town if I need a bit of privacy. Help her make some strategies eg I'll drive you to weight watchers in the next village etc.

She also might be feeling a little trapped because of current circumstances. The great thing about going away is coming home and that's not happened for a while. Lots of people are sick of the same 4 walls at the minute.

All I’d say is sometimes it’s easy to overlook some of the good things, we moved from where our children had gone to school. I was feeling too familiar, bored, restless like we needed a change, so we did it, moved to a village (from a city) but soon realised not having children at school limited our social contacts, the local pub wasn’t our thing and we don’t go to church, so we struggled to fit in.
We didn’t regret it as we had a great project house that needed restoration, so we had plenty to do, but the area never felt like home to us, even though we loved our house.
We sold last year and are now trying to buy back in a similar area that we originally moved from, the price difference means we also have to buy a much smaller house.
Sometimes you need to really analyse what you like/dislike about a place.
I hadn’t realised that I was part of a community and I missed that once it was gone, a nicer bigger house didn’t make up for it in our case.

Good luck with your decision.

You sound at a good stage of your lives to move and make a fresh start, albeit still close enough to see people you want to stay in touch with. Your elderly neighbour won't be there forever and your grandchildren will change schools in a few years.
Make sure you choose a house with no potential access issues with neighbours and enjoy having a bit more money to spend on yourselves and your family.

Her reasons sound strange. Moving just because you are board could lead to unhappiness. I would take being close to my grandchildren over anything. My in laws moved to be nearer to us - shame the pandemic has meant we haven't been able to see them but before this our dc could go and visit them on their own which was nice.

I recommend trying before buying -
Let your house out and rent in the new place.
If you are both happy in the new area, great. Sell your house and buy. If not, try another place or move back.

Hmm I think you need to dig in a little more and listen to what she says she's feeling.

If she's lived somewhere for 20 years but doesn't want to bump into anyone, and is a very private person, it doesn't sound like she's ever integrated into the community. Has she ever liked where you are now?

Did she move there to join you in your hometown, by any chance?

Sometimes people just need to change things - staying in the same place for years, doing the same things, seeing the same people etc can be suffocating. She wants something fresh and new.
I'd ask her to wait until life is back to normal and you can have holidays and days out and see if she changes her mind. If not, I'd agree to move.

Thanks all for the advice and experience with moving.I would like to move to another detached but being Reigate and my wife's walking distance to the train station being important it'll probably be semi which I'm not keen on because of the arguments through walls,hedge disputes which we experienced in the past.Redhill a bit quiet for me I do like a lively road which with have now.I think if I could choose I'd stay here it is a very unique house but I don't think this is fair on my wife.She said if we could move the house would be ideal.I should really get to the bottom of why she wants the move but she would realise I'm not keen which would cause problems I don't want.Really made me think about my gut feeling being important thanks and ultimately it is my wife comes first every time.

I hope I'm not coming across as a bit selfish.I suppose I can be a bit dull at times maybe why she needs change,has made me think.Its not my home town ,we've never lived there, just hers and now a good couple of miles away from my home town.Thanks for all your help apologise cant answer everything being at work.

No don't worry, you're not coming across as selfish - as someone who has just bought a house the time, expense and energy is huge and that's why most people don't move unless they have a compelling reason (I'm assuming you're buying not renting).

Why don't you go along with it, start surfing Rightmove together - draw up your budget - don't forget to set aside costs for survey, conveyancing, searches, moving fees, stamp duty if applicable. Keep an open mind to see what's out there. You may find yourself pleasantly surprised by what's on offer.

You can also do the thing where you list the things that are non-negotiable for each of you eg. for you, no semi detatched. For her, moving out of your area but staying x mins walk from the train station. That kind of thing. You'll quickly realise the overlap has a certain number of houses in it and then see if you can afford them!!

Are you talking about a move from Reigate to Redhill though? Aren't they just a couple of miles apart? That's not really going to take you away from being able to pick your granddaughter up from school and stuff, you can still do all that for sure!

Also - if you are worried you yourself are a bit dull, that's something you can work on that doesn't need her help and input. Are you shouldering your half of the mental load at home? Putting emotional energy into your relationship? Reconnecting with your wife isn't a bad idea, whether you move or not!

Thanks,great help will certainly follow up on those points .The nice part that my wife loves near the park in Reigate,we're buying, moving from Stonleigh bordering Ewell.I suppose having had an argument about over pricing it hasn't helped,we don't really argue I've learnt over the years better to just give in ,compromise I hate confrontation.If you know the area I'm sure you'll understand ,its very nice.

Your wife’s reasons for moving are a bit vague. But, your reasons for staying are sensible. (Although I wouldn’t expect a neighbour in their 80s to be living next door for that many more years.)

Could she satisfy her restlessness with another change, like getting a new job, making new friends, adding an extension, or changing the interior of your current house? Or booking a holiday?

She sounds like me - I’m always feeling restless and wanting to change. We moved house a LOT when I was growing up, then I lived in loads of different places during Uni and all through my 20s. I counted up all the different houses and flats I’ve lived in and lost track at about 25. So when I feel bored, moving house is my no.1 fantasy. But it’s a massive upheaval and as likely to be negative as positive.

If you don’t take any action but let her get on with looking at houses for a bit, would she eventually realise she likes your current house/location, and be happy to stay? That’s what usually happens when I get into a Rightmove frenzy.

Oh, just seen this post:

we don't really argue I've learnt over the years better to just give in ,compromise I hate confrontation.

Giving in isn’t compromising. Compromising is identifying what you both want and then finding a solution that works for both of you.

Id hang off for the detached too OP 🌺

@Snowball70

Id hang off for the detached too OP 🌺

Yea good idea need to push that as being important for me to move.Asked her tonite for main reason ,said she doesn't want to grow old here and needs a fresh start.As I said she loves Reigate.We pretty secure as a couple shes always been my best friend no need to reconnect .She loves her job ,has good friends ,just wants to move.Made my mind up to move and dive into rightmove,EA's.god help us and hopefully it not cause too many arguments but we normally like the same things.Thanks all.