Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

Original poster

Separated dad vs Dad & Mother together

42 replies

Nealkhan · 01/12/2020 22:57

Hi All,
Me and my wife spilt up nearly two years ago. We were together for nearly 9 years and have two kids girl aged 8 and boy aged 4. I've always been a hands on that. My own father was absent in my life and I vowed to myself that I would never do that to my kids.

The kids now live with their mother and she has told me she has met someone and most likely she will remarry in 2021. I already find the thought of not seeing my kids every day difficult ( I get them every other weekend and Friday inbetween) and I want the same relationship with them as if I would see them everyday.

I guess my question is, how does one cope with your ex moving on and that person potentially living with your kids and seeing them more then their actual dads ?

OP posts:
IndieTara · 02/12/2020 00:12

Is there a reason you don't have 50/50 shared care?

PheasantPlucker1 · 02/12/2020 00:31

Agree you need to be an equal parent. Yes its hard with work, but plenty of people do manage it.

Start building up contact gradually until you have your children 50/50

timeisnotaline · 02/12/2020 00:40

Agree I would want to move to 50/50 care, lots of cooperation needed around school things and activities of course.

bumpertobumper · 02/12/2020 00:41

50/50 is not necessarily best for the children, it can be unsettling and practicalities do come into play.

But you could adjust arrangements to see your children more - often NRP has a weekday every week in addition to EOW. Is the weekend Friday-Monday or Saturday-Sunday? Could you get an extra day on the weekend?

How is your relationship with ex? Being amicable and able to coparent without bitterness or resentment -showing- is the most important thing for the well-being of the children.
Is she going to think that you are asking for more time with them now as a reaction to her new relationship; you don't want him spending time with them rather than that you do want to spend more time with them.
TBH it does sound like it could easily come across that way from your OP, so I suggest you be diplomatic and understanding as you work towards an adjustment to access arrangements.

bumpertobumper · 02/12/2020 00:46

And to answer your question of how do you cope... make the most of your time with your children, be interested in them and who they are.
And get some counselling/therapy and/or read some self help parenting books.
This situation seems to be stirring up your own issues with your father, therapy can help you to understand how much of the difficulty you are having with the current situation is actually about the here and now; and what is about historical stuff.
Philippa Perry's book is good.

Original poster
Nealkhan · 02/12/2020 09:39

Thanks everyone.
My relationship with my ex is good. I've made sure of that for the sake of the kids.

She and I both work and the kids school is near here house. I would love 50/50 but because of my work during school days its impossible. She also works so she wants a weekend with them also because she says the weekdays are spent on getting them ready for school and bed.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 02/12/2020 10:02

I would love 50/50 but because of my work during school days its impossible.
You lost me there op. Mums all over the world at all stages of career have to suck up the necessary work change and paid carer schedule to parent their children, because it’s not optional. It’s not oh It would be nice but I can actually only parent weekends cos you know, I work. This is a choice you are making and you will see your children less because of it.

Girlonatubetrain2 · 02/12/2020 10:06

I also dont think work is ann acceptable excuse for not having 50/50.
I work F/T and so does my DH (same hours).
We still have our kids 100% of the time.
We arrange childcare and suck it up.
Your ExW works as well so assume she juggles just like we do.
So would you if you genuinely want them 50/50 rather than just when it suits you.

RandomMess · 02/12/2020 10:08

You use childcare and still see them morning and night...

Not impossible!

Original poster
Nealkhan · 02/12/2020 10:17

I'm a doctor who works day shift and night shifts so its wrong to assume I cant be bothered. Its because Its not possible because of my hours.

My ex lives with her parents so she can easily work

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/12/2020 10:19

Employ a live in nanny or au pair depending on their ages, with au pair I would also use some holiday clubs.

As I said it's not impossible.

ScottishStottie · 02/12/2020 10:23

People who work use childcare. Not an excuse to not see your children.

timeisnotaline · 02/12/2020 10:24

Umm we all know mum doctors who work shifts op, and have babies and children. Including couples who are both surgeons so don’t start with the ‘they must have a partner who covers for them’. They have great care arrangements and tweak them all the time.
Another ft working mum here, long hours.

Coronawireless · 02/12/2020 10:35

People are being disingenuous here. It would not be right for OP to force 50:50 just to leave the kids in childcare. Clearly he would prefer turn to be with their grandparents even if that means he can’t see them. He is doing the right thing but sacrificing his own happiness to do it. I feel for you OP. Have you tried chatting to your ex about having some extra weekends? Since she sees more of them during the week that would be fair surely? You sound like a nice dad and your children will absolutely know this as they grow up.

Coronawireless · 02/12/2020 10:36

*prefer THEM to be with their grandparents

Amira19 · 02/12/2020 10:41

Op ignore those who expect you to remove youre children from the care of their mother to be with a nanny or baby sitter that's not quality time. 50/50 is always right and I know my children especially the 4 year old would struggle. Ds from a previous relationship has just started to go three times week.

Original poster
Nealkhan · 02/12/2020 10:43

Thanks. I would rather they be with their mum and grandparents then with a childminder. It's not an ideal life. Secondly, people say to get childcare like it's very cheap. I live in london and rent a 2 bedroom.house which is not cheap at all. I've also purposely moved houses to be abit nearer to my kids and had to end up paying more rent. I Also pay CM without fail so that leaves me with not much to save. I also have to consider saving for the future for my kids.

The judgement in this group is ridiculous. I was merely asking a simple question. I appreciate their mum as a mother and I know she does me as a father.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nealkhan · 02/12/2020 10:46

Single mums have it hard. We all know that, I was raised by one. But the hypocrisy is that people dont realise some dads have it hard to.

OP posts:
Coronawireless · 02/12/2020 10:46

If you could manage to collect them from school one day a week or even fortnight that will make a huge difference to your relationship as you will meet their friends, teacher etc...all important parts of who they are.
And also, obvious things but...never forget birthdays, milestones etc. Make sure your home when they are there is ready for them from the minute they walk in. Warm, clean, food cooked and ready, everything working and in place. A plan in your head for what to do together...park? Movie? Baking? And your phone put away and give them your full attention. They’ll associate going to you with feeling loved and relaxed.

Coronawireless · 02/12/2020 10:49

Take one of your week’s holidays during term time so they can stay with you then and you can do the full school run, find out his homework etc is going. That’s how you really bond with them!

Coronawireless · 02/12/2020 10:50

Find out HOW homework...aargh!

Original poster
Nealkhan · 02/12/2020 10:51

Thanks coronawirless. Everytime I see them, i plan my days so its filled with fun activities. The issue is their mum is not budging on the weekends. As I said, my work makes it difficult to see them and pick them up from school.

OP posts:
Starlight39 · 02/12/2020 10:52

I think you're doing the right thing with allowing the kids a stable home with their Mum, it's often not ideal for young kids to do 50/50 in my opinion (and experience).

If you currently just do EOW you could up it to include a night in the week if you don't already do that or even just a weekly tea time trip out if your ex is flexible. Also can you spend plenty of holiday time with them?

I think the ex being with someone new and that new person getting to spend time with your kids is just something you need to get used to unfortunately. It'll be good for them in the long run to have a decent stable role model relationship (assuming the relationship is good). The best thing you can do for them is to be supportive of and interested in their relationship with your ex's new DP. My ex would get annoyed if DS even mentioned my DP and that made DS feel anxious and confused. Luckily that seems to have stopped now that ex is happier but it has still done some damage.

You will always be incredibly important to them even if you don't see them as often as he does - when you are with them, you will be the person who deals with all their needs, physical and emotional and even if that's just EOW and holidays, as long as you put in the work, that creates a close bond. He probably won't do that so much - I know with my partner, I am very much the parent to my DS (aged 8). DS is much closer to his Dad than to my DP.

worriedandannoyed · 02/12/2020 10:57

As a doctor and doing shift work do you not get any days off during the week? Or any early finishes or late starts where you can do the school run etc?

Sorry I find it exhausting trying to co parent with someone who always has to 'work' instead of helping bring up his children so this makes me really cross.

Coronawireless · 02/12/2020 10:57

You can use some of your holidays to do school runs. I recommend it.
And you don’t need to feel pressurised to cram the weekend too full of activities. Just let them chill and fall into a rhythm, play ball, go for walks, tell jokes, read to them, do magic tricks, lots of board games, teach them card games etc. Normal Dad stuff - all slightly tedious at times but kids love it so so much.

Swipe left for the next trending thread