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Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

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Original poster

I want a fling .....

70 replies

Iwantafling · 08/10/2007 12:10

OK, I had to change my name for this (for obvious reasons) and would love an opinion from all of you, especially the menfolk.

I'm 39, been with my dh since I was 17, married since I was 22. I have never slept with anyone else but my dh - same for him.

Here's the problem. I am crazy about a friend of his (also a friend of mine). I know he feels the same, but he won't make a move (out of loyality to my dh, I suppose).

Guys - am I expecting too much to ask a man to make a move on a friend's wife ? Is that a definate NO. Will it never happen ?

Maybe its because I'm hurtling towards 40 ..... but I really feel like I've missed out. I would love to experience sex with another man (a man I have feelings for - not a male escort).

Should I just be grateful for what I have, stop being so selfish and put this yearning out of my mind ???? Is there anyone like me (please tell me there is!) that has only had one lover in their lifetime and do you feel like you've missed out too ???

(Sorry if this post offends anyone but I can't talk to anyone else about this).

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

susiecutie · 08/10/2007 15:17

Oh Unquietdad I really really wasnt having a go at you love, i'm really sorry. it was more rant in general! just your comment really did make feel sic to the stomach as it sometimes is deemed as 'ok' to do it away from home.. i've even heard men use the term, 'away rules' it just disgusts me and upsets me so much.

I did realise that you meant " well if you are going to.. dont do it so close to home"

I am sorry you thought i was having a go at you. i really wasnt at all. hope you understand where my rant was coming from and know i didnt mean it at you personally.

Wow, such an emotive subject hey...

contentiouscat · 08/10/2007 15:25

No she was never going to be encouraged to "go for it" I suspect she really wants us to tell her what a crap idea it is (and it really IS a crap idea)

newgirl · 08/10/2007 15:42

another thought - the bloke you are interested in - what if you make a move and he tells his wife? someone finds out/sees you?

unless you are truly prepared to walk away from your marriage dont do it - you wont get away with it

and do you really want to be with a man who would cheat on his wife and his best friend? sounds grim all round to be honest

UnquietDad · 08/10/2007 15:47

rant away, 'tis what this place is for...

whiskeyandbeer · 08/10/2007 15:48

have you considered not being a slut?

contentiouscat · 08/10/2007 15:50

Here we go, took longer than usual

UnquietDad · 08/10/2007 15:53

I suppose a question one could ask is: "Has anyone ever had an affair/fling and found it to be a positive experience?"

I wonder who'd admit as much on here and risk the flames....

(Am I alone in finding the word "fling" unintentionally amusing? I always picture one lover hurling the other across the bed in a frenzy of passion...)

harleyweendemon · 08/10/2007 15:56

if you are prepared to take the possibility of losing your husband and family then go for it.

so you will get a shag out of it, but afterwards will you feel good about yourself or have to deal with the guilt that goes with it.

and what happens if your husband finds out.

whatever you do, just realise it could wreck things for everybody.

EricL · 08/10/2007 21:39

You can't do this kind of thing if you do guilt.

There are a few of us that i'm sure would be able to do something like this and not feel guilt - but you are not one of them judging by your post.

Don't do it. It would turn into a right mess for you.

Sixofoneyedmonster · 08/10/2007 21:43

I almost but not quite had an affair a few years ago (pre-kids) and my hubby found out beforehand so nothing actually happened.

We are still together and plan to stay that way but.

Even so the amount of pain it caused him is something I will always have to live with. I realised that no amount of sex makes up for hurting someone else that badly.

I regret what I almost did more than I can describe and will never be able to totally forgive myself, it took YEARS for us to get the trust back. And as for saying you wish he would have an affair..well wouldn't that be your justification for telling yourself that it is therefore okay for you to have one? You wouldn't really like the reality if you were the one on the receiving end.

OK so this is the acid test...imagine you weren't married, and you met this guy in a pub. Would you still? chances are, you wouldn't.

Go and buy a vibrator, it's much less hassle

MorticiasMother · 08/10/2007 21:48

Oh my, I really should not post on here as I may say things that would most definitely offend the OP.

I only hope it is a wind up.

Pruners · 08/10/2007 21:50

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Iwantafling · 09/10/2007 00:25

Whiskeyandbeer - my dh was my first & only boyfriend and I have been faithful to him for 22 years, so I'm definately not a slut.

Are the ideas floating around in my head slutty ? Of course they are. Do I realise its a stupid idea ? Yes, of course I do. And do I want to deliberately hurt my dh and wreck my marriage. Of course not.

I came on here to get things off my chest, I suppose. Just to put it out there. What I really wanted to hear was "you're not missing out on anything"!!!. Its reassuring to hear that sex with someone you have known forever is better than a shag just for the sake of curiousity. A dick is a dick (lol!).

But I do have a great marriage. My dh is also my best friend. I have no regrets about marrying him, I just wish I could have met him at 27 instead of 17.

When I realised this other man had feelings for me ..... I was very flattered, I'll admit it. I had never thought of him like that before. But he is a prince, a decent man, like my dh. He would never cheat on his wife or betray his friend, so I won't pursue it anymore. He has been keeping his distance, so thats sending a clear message.

As for swinging. Never. I could only have sex with someone I had feelings for. I think the majority of women would feel the same ....?

Anyway, thanks for listening everyone.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 09/10/2007 01:16

I can understand this.

In fact, I ruined my life and that of others because of such a desire in my youth.

And I'm here to tell you, in the hopes that at near 40 you'll maybe listen better than I did in my early 20s:

it's FUCK ALL worth it.

It's like anything else, you don't know what you have till it's gone.

Well, I do now.

And believe you me, I've paid for that knowledge.

In fact, I still do today.

It still wasn't worth it, no matter what others' opinions are, this is mine.

And I hope, for your sake as well as your husband's and childrens', that you don't find that out the way I did.

Desiderata · 09/10/2007 01:24

You don't miss your water
'till you well runs dry.

Good thread, good ending. The best sex you'll ever have in your life is with the person who knows you the best.

Sleep tight, one and all.

expatinscotland · 09/10/2007 01:26

Amen, Des!

Like I told DH, if you ever have a tombstone for me, let my epitaph be this:

Don't be like me.

Desiderata · 09/10/2007 01:30

Never regret who you were, expat. The chapters all make up the story.

expatinscotland · 09/10/2007 01:33

Well, I do regret it, for all it's water under the bridge.

But that's mine to own.

And FWIW, I just hope to all the powers of light and dark the better for my girls.

Oh, don't be like me!

Do you realise how special you are, Iwant?

Nah, you don't or you wouldn't have posted.

I just hope that now you do.

It may not seem to you, but like I said, I hope at your age you realise that.

For ALL your sakes!

I wouldn't want to be young again for any amount of money and as much of a mess as my life is, I just hope the better for my girls.

And if you're out there, reading this post, please know it comes from the heart.

Daddster · 11/10/2007 17:02

Weigh your happiness, trust, relationship with your DH and DKs in the balance against a few minutes of frankly what will be pretty much the same experience you've already had (maybe with a few frills if you're lucky, but probably without the emotion) and it doesn't really sit on the balance at all, does it?

There was a thread not so long back where the OP asked who had been unfaithful and the almost universal answer was "yes with previous partners, but not now I've found someone I'm happy with".

There's a very good reason why that's the case...

BTW you can be a different sexual partner every time - there's a lot of variants on the theme.

manuka · 19/10/2007 21:54

I haven't read all this but I hope you read this cos this helped me very recently.
Similar situation, close friend of dh etc. I realised that my fantasies would destroy my life if they became reality so I changed my fantasy. I imagined him being a really wet sloppy kisser with foul breath with a short thin cock and no control. The worst sex ever! And after a few times of forcing myself to imagine such a vile scenario I stopped 'wanting him'. The brain is amazingly strong. Try it it works!

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