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Dadsnet

Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

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Original poster

I want a fling .....

70 replies

Iwantafling · 08/10/2007 12:10

OK, I had to change my name for this (for obvious reasons) and would love an opinion from all of you, especially the menfolk.

I'm 39, been with my dh since I was 17, married since I was 22. I have never slept with anyone else but my dh - same for him.

Here's the problem. I am crazy about a friend of his (also a friend of mine). I know he feels the same, but he won't make a move (out of loyality to my dh, I suppose).

Guys - am I expecting too much to ask a man to make a move on a friend's wife ? Is that a definate NO. Will it never happen ?

Maybe its because I'm hurtling towards 40 ..... but I really feel like I've missed out. I would love to experience sex with another man (a man I have feelings for - not a male escort).

Should I just be grateful for what I have, stop being so selfish and put this yearning out of my mind ???? Is there anyone like me (please tell me there is!) that has only had one lover in their lifetime and do you feel like you've missed out too ???

(Sorry if this post offends anyone but I can't talk to anyone else about this).

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

overdraft · 08/10/2007 13:53

Kewcumber that is a brilliant way to put it

MyTwopenceworth · 08/10/2007 13:55

Well, personally I think a penis is a penis. Had one, had them all. I think sex is a big yawn, myself!

However. If you really feel you're missing out, then what about .....

Oh, I'm going to get slapped all round mumsnet for this.....

swinging

Because consenting adults going into something to fulfil a desire is better than deceiving and betraying your partner.

overdraft · 08/10/2007 13:57

Think she said her husband didn't feel he has missed out though

OrmIrian · 08/10/2007 14:04

iwantafling - I've been where you are. A friend of my DH who was everything DH wasn't (good and bad things). And yes I was tempted, for all the same reasons as you -DH and I've been together since our late teens, with a break when I went to uni, but he's not quite my only sexual partner. I didn't do anything - I couldn't imagine the chaos that would have ensued, it would have been so awful. I sympathise with the temptation but would advise you to leave well alone. It's not worth the pain. And you must know it. Your DH's friend seems to know it. Make this man a fantasy - something to indulge in painlessly and harmlessly.

Have to say that I wouldn't discuss this with my DH - you seem to remarkable and admirably open on the subject!

snowleopard · 08/10/2007 14:05

Agree with BellaLasagne. These things are far better in the imagining than in the reality, which could never be as good and leads to guilt, regret and possibly worse (ie divorce and an unhappy, damaged family).

Though I did have a chance to put it about a bit when younger , I have still known men while I've been with DP who I've thought "Hmmm I definitely would" (as I'm sure he does too) - and sometimes it is not just looks but liking them too, as with you. But I wouldn't want to do it - I just fancy them for a while and you know what, sooner or later I get to know them a bit more and think erm actually I don't like them that much after all, and realise how lucky I am to have my DP.

Just have yourself a bit of imaginary fun and yes, if you have a good marriage, do be grateful for it - millions of people really do miss out on that.

HairyIrene · 08/10/2007 14:15

you are in real dangerous territory
if you do value what you have just now, really
then dont do it

sorry, if this is your only / big problem in life you got off light
if its other problems then they should be addressed..

and as others have a said a man would not have got away with this

mustrunmore · 08/10/2007 14:17

I truely dont think people were designed to be monogomous.But neither were they designed to put it about until they're old.You get to a point where you really are better off with your spouse, because you just know each other so well. A fling would probably do you the world of god. But I suspect thats if its your first, the guilt will make you feel so bad you'll tell your dh, which will no noone any good at all. I'd say, even though you say you have a great sex life, you need to widen your boundaries together somehow. Whether that is just between the two of you or involves other people, its up to you. But do it together, with both your consents,to benefit you both.

ADragonIs4LifeNotJustHalloween · 08/10/2007 14:20

"we have a very happy marriage, and a wonderful sex life"

Er... clearly you don't if you are considering throwing it away for a fling.

Blu · 08/10/2007 14:27

Please, do not do anything any less reversible than dye your hair when you are 39.

It is not a good year in which to make decisions

susiecutie · 08/10/2007 14:28

The grass is NEVER actually greener. ever. ainly because of all the hurt and pain you cause to those you love. and if they never know? then the burdon of your own conscience is heavy enough, and you then have it for a life time.. and for what?

sex with the person you love and have shared your life with is the most fullfilling sex you can have. I wish that i and my DH had been each others first I hate the fact that he has been with other people and that i have too. but then we've both been married before, AND both left those mrriages due to our respective partners cheating on us.

you can not ever understand how that feels, to know the person you love has been behind your back with someone else. it is a feeling that stays with you forever, a feeling that never leaves you.. you carry it with you into new relationships. its the most destructive thing you can do to someone self esteem, to have an affair with smoeone else. especially a mate of his, that he might need to turn to if he found out you had been with another man.

it migh be a big test to ignore your feeling about hits man, but for your sake nd the sake of the man you love do not do it. you cannot take it back. yu will destroy everyhting

I wont be apologising for such a long post either. its a subject very close to my heart.

susiecutie · 08/10/2007 14:34

oh, and Unquietdad

""There is a reason people do these things on conferences and business trips...""

that statement has made me feel sick to the stomach. what the fuck is wrong with people that cannot remain faithful to their partners. ??

my DH has to work away from home mon-fri and often also has to work at the weekend. I HAVE to believe he is being faithful to me. I HAVE to trust him. If i even entertain the thought he could be up to anything with someone else when he's away, then i would be a wreck all the time... i would never sleep at night. I KNOW hes not as i know his opoinion of people that do that, due to his own painful experience of his cheating witch of an ex wife. but reading that one sentance you wrote unquetdad, is utterly shocking.

anyway, i'm getting way too upset reading this.way to emotional. i'll get going i think

susiecutie · 08/10/2007 14:36

sorry for swearing.. got abit carried away

UnquietDad · 08/10/2007 14:38

Look, I was trying to be supportive. Don't lay into ME, I'm not the one wanting the affair.

Just shows - men who argue on these threads are invariably given a rougher ride than women.

snowleopard · 08/10/2007 14:39

That statement did have me raising an eyebrow too susie...

AnAngelWithin · 08/10/2007 14:42

you want a fling? er no you don't you want a smack round the head into reality i'm afraid!! have you ever though he might want to shag you cos he can't have you cos you are married?? Probably be a different story once you have slept with him. Presumably you didn't think you were missing out when you took your vows to be with your DH?! I am sorry, but you are not looking for an opinion, you just want everyone to turn round and say 'yep go ahead' I am sorry but I just don't get why you would want to do this. Everyone has regrets, but you have to learn to live with them. I seriously think you would regret sleeping with this other fella even more.

snowleopard · 08/10/2007 14:43

UD it's not to do with being a man! No one else on this thread has suggested it would be less of a problem to have a fling at a conference instead, and that's what susie didn't like. Unless you said that because you're a man, there's no gender issue here.

contentiouscat · 08/10/2007 14:44

Anyway if he would have sex with a friends wife he is not exactly a prince and not really worth having anyway.

contentiouscat · 08/10/2007 14:45

I know what UD was saying...if you must then really dont do it so close to home!

Blu · 08/10/2007 14:47

It did kind of imply that it might be ok to have a fling at a conference, UQD!

But I thouught you were being tongue in cheek, really, rather than advocating it as the route to a happy future.

UnquietDad · 08/10/2007 14:52

It was a kind of "if you really must" and also a bit tongue-in-cheek.

I do wonder what people who ask this really want. I mean, 99% of the responses are going to be "don't do it." But if they really feel they want to and have the chance, they probably will.

It's not as if people have affairs thinking they might be a good idea - they know they're a bad idea but do it anyway...

xXxamyxXx · 08/10/2007 14:54

oh dont do it its not worth hurting your dh for a bit of pleasure how would you feel if he did that to you?if your bored spice things up with dh!

DaDaDa · 08/10/2007 14:56

I sometimes do wonder if I missed out, as I didn't play the field much when I was younger (am in single figures ). Then I remember that was because I never really liked one night stands and would always settle into a relationship quickly, and that if I did find myself single again I'd probably be exactly the same.

I would never risk my family to find out if the grass was greener...

contentiouscat · 08/10/2007 14:57

Ive always beleived that if I wasnt sure enough about something and needed to ask a second opinion then probably better to just not do it.

Amazingly these threads generally get quite combative, this has been quite civilised.

I think 40 is a bit of an age where you can make really bad life choices if you act on your whims to do everything you have "missed out on" before you "get too old"

UnquietDad · 08/10/2007 15:01

cat, I take your point.
But I know this place - the tide of opinion on this is never going to be, "wahey, yeah, go for it girl!"

snowleopard · 08/10/2007 15:08

Well that could be why it's so useful. You have a whim, part of you knows it would be stupid, maybe you want to come on here for a slap and to have a bit of sense talked into you...

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