Not sure what to do - new partner / kids

[Bobty123]

Hi,

So first off let me say that I would NEVER put anyone before my kids, no one.

Recently with this covid-19 situation with myself and my partner being key workers, I spoke with my ex about her keeping the kids until we have more info about everything. 1 of our kids has bad asthma and the other a genetic condition that can effect his heart, so I didn’t want to put them at risk.

6 weeks passed and now I am having them again on weekends and a day in the week.

The first weekend we had the kids my partner completely changed and wasn’t happy with anything and stayed upstairs remainder of weekend.

Now we’ve had issues, who hasn’t, but every time it always comes down to me and my relationship with my kids. My partner doesn’t ever seem happy with what I do.

I understand some of her frustrations with my kids as they are very attached and I can’t walk out the room without them shouting me, can’t go the toilet without them standing outside shouting dad. But a lot of the time it seems to me it’s nothing major, it’s kids things.

Example them being loud when playing, I get that it can be loud and annoying but it’s when they’re playing, I would understand it if they were being loud just for being loud, but they’re playing and having fun.

We have the dining room set up as a play room where they have their toys and tv with PlayStation, first weekend back one of my boys wanted us to watch a film together in living room, my partner said that I should take myself and kids into the play room to go watch it with them.

Completely wants to avoid any time spend with the kids and then complains they don’t like her don’t want anything to do with her.

I have tried explaining that she is the adult and the kids needs her attention and would open up more to her if she went to them and asked basic things like ‘how was your day?’ ‘Have a nice sleep?’ But there’s nothing from her, but then expects them to be the one to go to her with everything.

I feel she treats them like they’re adults and should do everything themselves. And now the argument is that I’m spending too much time with them on the weekends and spending not enough time with her. I have my kids 2 days over weekend, I’m going to spend as much time as possible with them and can spend the time with her in the night is my point. Not good enough for her.

Opinions?

Thanks.

Ditch her, she doesnt like your kids and it will never change.

Well, it's hard to say without being actually there, but I get the impression that the issue isn't what the kids do or don't do, it's that she has to share your attention...

Does she have kids herself ? Does she want kids at some point ?

If not, she may simply not like kids and have no patience for them.

If yes, she may be resentful that you have kids with someone else, and feel like she has to compete for your attention.

Third possibility - please consider it seriously before discarding it - your kids are in fact not as well behaved as you think they are.

They may also behave much differently with her than with you ? Does she have to watch them and if yes, how often/for how long ?

How much time do you get with just her ? Is it quality time ? Do you make as much effort to make her happy as you do to make the kids happy ? Do you have date nights ? (yes I know, Covid, but date night can be as simple as cooking a nice meal and eat it with candles on the table).

Anyway, there is only one way forward and it's an honest discussion.

"Honey, I feel like you have an issue with my kids being there. The thing is, the kids and me are a package deal. Are there specific issues or things we can do to make it easier to all get along ?"

That said, if she resents your kids because she doesn't want to share your time, chances are high she will be either in denial or too embarrassed to admit it. So she may say that everything would be easier if only the kids... [did this or that], even though that wouldn't really solve the issue. For this to work she has to commit to make an effort and change her own behaviour, even if she also asks that the kids also change some things.

She sounds like a nightmare tbh. Did she move in with you? If so I'd tell her it's time for her to go. You sound like a good father & a good man. There'll be better women out there that are happy to form a relationship with your DC, one that she clearly doesn't want. Good luck in your life going forward.

To be honest,she sounds like the biggest child of the lot,she's throwing her dummy out of the pram because she's not getting all the attention.Id ditch her.

You can't have a partner who doesn't like your kids! Isn't that obvious?

When you dont have children of your own its really hard to accept other peoples children.

When you say you will always put them first, why cant them both come equally first?

I had no tolerance for other peoples children until i had my own.

It's not going to work. Your girlfriend doesn't want to spend time with your children, she appears to resent them spending time with you, and it doesn't sound like she is willing to address that. Therefore, you have to choose either her or your children.

She doesn't sound kind at all, your kids are part of the deal and banishing you and them to the okay room to watch films is not nice

Yea...No! She had you 6wks kids free. Now kids are back and she's realising (once again?) that you do have other responsibilities, more people in your life who require your attention (Yes more than her, they're kids! It should never be a contest).

She's now being stroppy left right center! Nope! Not going to work. Kids come first. If she can't handle it, then it's time she walks away or you walk away.

If your children are being a nightmare to her through their actions and words (being rude, etc...not just because they exist), then try to work it out with your kids because they should learn to be decent and respect others. If not, never let anyone come between you and your children.

P.s I would say the exact same thing if the tables were turned (if you were female and the partner is male).

Thanks for replies. Just to try answer some points made...

Does she have kids? No. Does she want them? I don’t know. the conversation has naturally come up and occasions she is like yes, others she’s know. And when situations have happened with my kids I’ve noticed At times she doesn’t have the patience or the mindset for dealing with situations while treating them as kids, rather she will treat and react like they are adults.

And I know my kids aren’t well behaved as maybe possibly made out in original post... they’re hard work! Haha I know that. But when situations have arose I have dealt with them as best as I think I possibly could. But no matter what it is, she thinks I’ve not done enough. Example being, one of my lads spilt a drink on table and went all over wallpaper which had to be changed. He burst out crying saying he didn’t mean it. Me and him being my child I naturally tried to comfort him and calm him down while also getting him to acknowledge that he should be a bit more careful when there’s drinks around as he was joking around with his brother. But for her, it was more why is he joking sitting at table, he needs to get the tissues / mop and clean it all up and then help with the wallpapering. For me that’s a bit too much and strict, I think and still do that my way was a batter approach. I may be wrong, I don’t know.

And we do get quality time, through the week we always make time to sit and watch a film together, go for walk, do something (when we can with this situation) and even on weekends I tell her we could do something when boys are in bed, but then she doesn’t want to and is bed about same time as boys do nothing can happen.

When I got with my ex (boys mother) she had 2 children from previous relationship so I know what it’s like to get with someone who already has kids and how that goes, I was there for 12years before we split. I have tried to pass on what I knew and how I dealt with situations but I’m always wrong to her.

My children aren’t rude to her at all, but being very introvert they don’t interact as much as I would like them to, saying that, they aren’t ever rude or nasty to her but a bit more distant. But, when this does happen she doesn’t help the situation as she’ll sometimes get angry and near shouting at them to just say something simple as hello, then she’ll storm off and stay upstairs all weekend.

I’ve tried helping her by advising just try stay calm more, interact more with them and they will open up more with you. Always same response ‘why should I, if they like me they will come to me’

This is why I fee I’m at a point now where she has to change and interact more or... it’s done.

With my kids being so introvert she doesn’t like how they are, but everytime we decide to go out do something or even do something at the house they always ask if she’s coming / playing because they want her to. When we do some colouring or crafts they always want to make something for her, when we go shops just us they always say ‘can we get her this as a present’ and it’s like some flowers or candles or picture frames all of which she loves. And I’ve told her countless times... THAT is how they show their affection for you, just because they aren’t ‘hi missed you, how are you?’ It doesn’t mean they don’t like or care about you... but they do... they just show it differently to how you want. But... she doesn’t listen and it’s all wrong.

She. Doesn't. Like. Your. Children.
What else is there to say?

She really sounds like she doesn't have the patience and understanding to be a mum, let alone a stepmum. Granted, these are things some people can learn on the go when they're parents or are happy to be stepparents but she seems to be unreasonable, rigid, proud and locking horns with kids. It seems she already has the mindset of "they're my partners kids so we are already at war till proven otherwise". Not a good attitude to have.

I hope this isn't affecting your kids? Have they said anything to you? Have you said anything to them? How old are they?

I'll have a word with her about "our situation" if I were you. Tell her if she isn't happy, she's free to go but you shouldn't allow her create a wedge between you and your kids and make their lives a bit (or a lot) miserable. Soon they may not want to see you anymore because of her. You sound like a good dad, trying to make everyone happy.

Just seen your update. Missed it while I was typing. It's obvious then, she seems to be the problem. She resents sharing you with anyone and is taking it out on your poor kids. I'd get rid!

Ajollygoodwrap

At the start was brilliant, no issues, doing a lot of stuff together, but overtime changed. I used to have my kids every weekend which she wasn’t happy with, and myself slightly as I was working 50/60 hour weeks and then straight from work Friday having them all weekend then straight back to work was a having a bad effect on me physically and mentally. So I spoke with ex and we changed to 5 and 1. My partner wasn’t happy with that and was saying ‘ the normal Is every other week’ tried to explain to her I don’t care, I don’t want my kids every other week, I want them more!

It’s not effecting the kids (I hope and think) they do ask when we’re going somewhere if she’s coming with us and majority of the time it’s no and I have to make an excuse as to why, she’s sick, she’s seeing her family or friends. Same for at the house when they want to play a game or watch something.

I also thought she may learn and understand more as time went on as I did when I was a stepparent. But for me it seems getting worse.

We’ve had the leaving conversation over last couple weeks hence why I looking for other people’s opinions.

She threatened she would leave as this situation is shit for her, she doesn’t like it, she’s not happy, the kids are everywhere when they here, she has no time for herself or us when they’re here... so I told her ok, go. If you aren’t happy. Go. I still have my kids, I’m fine with that, not going to beg you to stay and not leave me and promise everything will change because I’m not changing anything else that’s going to mean my kids have less time with me or we can’t do certain things because you want to chill and watch your tv programs, if my kids want us to watch a film, we will watch a film, you can watch the programs anytime, even when they in bed. So if not happy, go. Then went ok through the week, I had the kids again... same thing.

I did try a different approach with her however, I slept with the kids in their room and acted to her how I feel she acts to the kids, like they arent there. Like I said they are very introvert and don’t always start a conversation but will engage if someone else does, but she will never come down in morning and be like ‘hi boys, did you sleep good? Any dreams? What we doing today? What you wanna do?’ She will come down, do her food, drink and go back upstairs.... so I did this to her last weekend... needless to say she didn’t like it but I told her that’s how she is with the kids, but again, of course I was wrong and it’s the kids that are like that with her and why should she be the one to start a interaction with them they should be going to her .... yes. She is the adult in this conversation.

Kids are 8 yo twins btw

Nothing more to say than LTB! If it isn't working for either of you (and it isn't), then done.

I'm afraid you have to end it so you can have some peace. Are you renting? Whose house is it?

Unless you want to suggest counselling first so you both can work things out with the help of a professional? I wouldn't bother tbh and something tells me she wouldn't even try. So best to say goodbye.

I think you need to split. You need to put your children first.

Even when we’ve had the talk she always seems... I can’t even think of what it is... but it’s always along the lines of ‘but of course you don’t care if I go because you’ll have your kids and it’s all about them, don’t care about me’ ... can’t think of how to describe that way she is when we have talked about this.

If your kids are 8yo why are they standing outside the bathroom shouting for you when you nip to the loo? When I read that in the original post I thought the kids must be toddlers, but 8?

I don't think this is the right woman for you. She's struggling with having the children there taking up all your time and attention and I can't see that changing.

Classic emotional manipulation. Really it's up to you if you want to continue with this drama in your life but the answer is clear. You have to choose between her and your kids and she has to choose to accept your kids or move on to someone without kids.

Your relationship is dead in the water.
Way to prove it? Tell her you have had a blazing row with ex and the dc aren't coming anymore.
Bet her face lights up op..
Sadly she isn't the one for you. And def not the one to be around your dc...
Time to Ltb.
Lose the bitch..

If your kids are 8yo why are they standing outside the bathroom shouting for you when you nip to the loo?

Maybe because they are in the middle of a global pandemic, didn't see their dad for 6 weeks and there is a mean woman who doesn't like them lurking around the house? Chill.

Lots of perfectly nice people are not suited to step parenting. Especially if they don’t have their own kids. I strongly suspect that I wouldn’t have been. (Never was an issue as dh and I have been together since university.)

I think you need to accept that this is true for your girlfriend and accept that you two just aren’t meant to be.