Lazy partner

[Daddypenguin]

We're had our first (and last!) baby 6 months ago, and my partner is starting to have to make plans in terms of her future work.

To give a bit of background, I run my own business, and work between 40-48 hours a week. I've always been a big believer in working for your income, and find the idea of scrounging off benefits or off others abhorrent. I also do most of the cooking, the gardening, and half the childcare duties when i'm at home. I was under the impression that my partner was doing the cleaning while I was out, but have since found that her mum has been doing that.

My partner comes from a family where a number of her family live off benefits. Some with good reason (e.g. disability) but others because they're lazy and workshy. My partner herself has, in fairness, worked since completing college qualifications 12 years ago.

She's been offered a job starting in September as a dinner lady at the local school - 2 hours a day, 3 days a week. Her mum has offered to have DD for those hours as childcare locally is ridiculously expensive.

All fair enough so far, but my partner now repeatedly assures me thats all she's doing. Even once we get our hours of free childcare once DD is 3. Even once DD starts school - she might go up to 5 days but doesnt want to be working more than 2 hours a day. That's her plan for life now apparently - work 2 hours a day, and relax watching TV the rest of the time. The head at the school has already all but offered her an LSA role during school hours once she's ready for it as she's already more than qualified for the role.

I dont think i'm being unreasonable to be somewhat miffed that i'm working 48 hours a week, working my backside off, coming home and doing most of the chores at home, while she sits and watches TV, and that she expects this to continue for life. At the moment she at least has DD to look after during the day, but once DD is in childcare or school there is no reason for her not to be working.

I dont want to leave her - primarily because I dont want to be paying child maintenance and have relatively little control of the upbringing of our child!

Any suggestions welcomed. At the moment, the only thing i can think of is once she stops getting maternity pay to buy stuff for our daughter myself (which i'd never bregrudge) and to refuse to give any money to my partner so she has to earn it herself.

I dont want to leave her - primarily because I dont want to be paying child maintenance and have relatively little control of the upbringing of our child!

Lovely. It won't take long for her to leave you. Always comes as a shock but we do have the choice to not live with someone who doesn't like us! Pretty easy decision to make in the end.

Here's a suggestion for you. Swap roles for a fortnight. Then you can see how hard it is looking after a 6 month old.

I went back to work 4 days a week after 6 months into a technical managerial role and it was a dream compared to the previous 6 months.

Another thing to add is that baby brain is a real thing. I struggled for about 2 years to remember words and having a conversation at times and it knocked my confidence quite a lot.

Also, if you're working 50 hours a week, are you doing half the night wakings too? If not then technically she's working 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

You're right in the middle of the hardest part of raising a child. You can either support each other or you can be unsympathetic, resentful and approaching financially abusive withholding money.

If you split, you'd hopefully have to take half responsibility for your DC, now imagine that on top of your job? To your partner, it would likely be a break. Think carefully what you want, you might just get it...

Your wife deserves to share her life with a supportive and loving partner. You should probably go.

At the moment, the only thing i can think of is once she stops getting maternity pay to buy stuff for our daughter myself (which i'd never bregrudge) and to refuse to give any money to my partner so she has to earn it herself.

Totally missed that you don’t even buy stuff for your baby 😮

This also makes no fucking sense at all when you have said you work 48 hours a week and won’t pay for childcare. Who cooked Adam Smith’s Dinner? Who knitted Jeremy Corbyn’s jumper? Who looked after DaddyPenguin’s baby for 48 hours a week?

Being a mum is a 24 hour job she's most likely knackered maybe she realises how little you think of her and is depressed. You should be with her because you love her not because you don't want to pay child maintenance. You should be looking at your own behaviour instead of criticising your wife.

At the minute, I think it's okay.

But her saying she won't work more than 2 hours a day when your child goes to school would be a deal breaker for me.
A lot of women would love to be able to get a job that fits around school hours and shes been offered one without even trying and doesn't want it!
It's lazy, selfish and sets a bad example for a child.

By not working, she is enabling you to keep working very long hours. I don’t think you understand that’s it’s not just as simple as her going out to work full time even once the child starts school. You’ll need wraparound care even if she’s working school hours. When the child is sick who’ll be taking time off to look after them? Do you have any idea how often kids are off sick when they start nursery or school? The first six months our twins were at nursery we were all sick constantly culminating in an entire month where one got chicken pox then the other so there was a month where one of us would have been unable to work.

Now my twins need to go to a specialist school - closest is an hour round trip driving, so that would give me only 10-2 to work, only in term time, with flexible hours for when they’re off sick. Good luck finding that.

You have no idea what position you’re going to be in in a year or two or three, and given your attitude I’m not surprised she’s unwilling to commit to saying she will work full time at this point.

I’m intrigued @Daddypenguin...when you and your partner made the joint decision to have a baby, what did you envisage the future to be?

How long did you plan to "allow" your partner to have at home?

How did you plan to sort out child when, as you say yourself, it is expensive?

You are your own boss. Perhaps you were planning to reduce your hours so that you could shoulder you share of childcare whilst your partner works or retrains?

Were you planning to only work school hours and in term times to allow your partner to work?

Were you planning to cover half of the INSET days and sick days?

Did you understand the demands of a small child? The sleep deprivation? Breastfeeding?

I suspect you didn’t think about any of that because somehow you thought your partner would cope and that your MIL would provide endless childcare in future.

Also, you can be as miffed as you like about working 48 hours a week but it might be helpful to remember that the only way you CAN work your 48 hours is because your partner is at home looking after the baby that you both decided to bring into the world.

Jesus fucking christ. I have my first LTB.. For her.. not you.

Is this real?

If so, does the baby sleep through and is she breastfeeding?

You need to split up anyway, you hold her in utter contempt

I really feel for your poor wife, what an absolutely horrific situation to find you're married to a misogynistic piece of shit after you've had his baby.

For now the arrangement is fine. The baby is very young, and just looking after her routine needs will be very full-on.

I agree that never working more than 2 hours per day with someone else doing the housework isnt, erm, ideal. But would that every really happen? Your partner is probably just exhausted and worried about being apart from the baby.

It is certainly very useful to have one parent working part time. I say this as a woman who has always worked full time, except when on maternity leave.

Yabu what you are suggesting is financial abuse

What was her job before the baby?
You work all hours so how do you know what she does when you're gone. She'll be looking after the baby and more probably but you are so contemptuous of the situation you don't see that.

Strange that the op has vanished!

Clearly posting in a subforum which by its name suggested it was aimed at Dads was a foolish mistake.

Unfortunately I've been at work all day today, then looking after our daughter, so this is the first chance i've had to look back at this conversation. I feel I should clear up a few things:

1. I realise my post suggested I don't buy stuff for my daughter. I do. I should have phrased it as "when my partner's income stops coming in, I will just continue to buy stuff for my daughter, but not for my partner".

1. I dont expect my partner to work full time. But it seems reasonable to think she might work more than 2 hours a day when our daughter is at school - particularly if our daughter is at the same school she is working at. We live in a rural village, and kids in the village pretty much always get into the village primary.

1. My partners mum lives with us. She supports with childcare every single day. I regularly phone my partner during the day to see how her day is going to be told that i've woken her (partner, not daughter) from a rest, or that she's watching X on tv. Before anyone says that's because she's been up all night, our daughter sleeps through the night most nights - when she does wake its usually at about 3am, and I get up to deal with her. I also look after our daughter from the time I get home (usually 5pm) until she goes to bed (usually 7pm), including bathtime and bedtime feed. My partner usually rests during that time. I then cook dinner while my partner rests. Baby is bottle fed (don't judge) so can be fed by either of us.

My work has some flexibility, particularly during the week. Weekends tend to be busier. My plan once my daughter is at school is to get to the point where I only have to work 1 day each weekend rather than both so we still get family time together. At the moment, family time is on weekdays (actually something I enjoy as places are quieter!) When I'm at work its pretty full-on - I'n not for one second saying that looking after a baby is easy, but I can guarantee that my partner gets more time off during the day than I do.

Just to clarify a couple of other things. By "free childcare" i was referring to the automatic 15 hour a week free childcare. I'm a huge believer in the social benefits of nursery / pre-school so even if we were both sat at home all day i'd want our daughter to attend a nursery to get used to interacting with other children and being away from us.

My comments about child maintenance may have not been well written given the mood I was in at the time - and in all honestyI do love my partner and am with her because of that, and becuase of my daughter. What I meant was that I would not want to be paying child maintenance blindly with very little influence on how it my child was being brought up. I pay, and would continue to pay regardless, for the things my daughter needs

I'm not asking for my partner to do everything while i sit on my backside. I'm not the monster people seem to think I am. I'm just asking that there isnt an expectation that I do everything while she enjoys a leisurely life.

Mate, I think you've had it a bit hard on here.

I agree with pretty much all you say.

Let's just hope she has a change of heart after a couple of years at home full time.

But from what you say about her family's work ethic, she's hardly had decent role models and is likely to go the same way.
Make sure your child isn't the next generation.

She does sound lazy imo, but at 6 months it's a bit early to be talking about when the child goes to school. When you are at home with a baby you are sort of immersed in it, it's hard to imagine being in a work place. In a year or two she might be desperate to get out and work, it's too early to tell. It does sound like you don't respect her much though.

YABNU at all but I couldnt think if anything more boring than only working two hours a day in the same job for the foreseeable.

I would cut some slack while on Mat leave though as pregnancy and child birth are a major event on the body even with a baby that sleeps, it takes its toll.

Once your DD is a bit older, she may change her mind. It's hard to think that far ahead with a small baby. If she doesn't then I guess you're not as compatible as you thought.

Difficult situation. Could she be depressed at all?

Thanks for the more reasonable replies.

I agree that school is a long way off - I wouldnt have even thought of it if she hadnt repeatedly made a point of insisting that she doesnt want to work more than 2 hours 3 days a week even once our daughter is at school.

Have you actually had a discussion about why she’s saying this?

You’re saying that her mother takes care of the baby all day, you take care of the baby in the evening and when she wakes in the night, so she does nothing. If this is the case, you need to have a discussion about this too.

You say she worked consistently full time for years after leaving college until having a baby. This sounds like a massive change in her personality. Rather than feeling resentful, aren’t you concerned? I would be concerned about my DH if he changed that much.

I'm quite glad you've had your arse handed to you as it's saved me a job. What a horrible man you are.

Hi OP,

YANBU - I don't understand some of the very harsh comments you have received.
From what you are saying your DP is relying heavily on both her mother and you to look after your daughter.
As a few others have suggested could she have PND? It seems she is not hugely involved in looking after your daughter, is very tired and distracted which could be signs.

To me you sound like a reasonable person. You need to talk about all this with your DP and try and communicate better. Discuss your concerns and listen to hers. Hopefully together you can work on things and as your daughter gets older get a better balance.

I’m glad I’m not married to you! Once your wife’s maternity pay stops, you have said that you will buy things for the baby but not for her. This means she’ll either leave you or get a job. Then you can pay for 50% of childcare. If it’s her mum doing it then you can pay the mum 50% of what it would cost you at a nursery. You can’t have it all ways!

As others have said, school is a long way off. Also, women don’t just become lazy once they have a child. I doubt she spends the whole day watching tv and you should be looking after your dd when you can for your partner to rest.