Lazy partner

[Daddypenguin]

We're had our first (and last!) baby 6 months ago, and my partner is starting to have to make plans in terms of her future work.

To give a bit of background, I run my own business, and work between 40-48 hours a week. I've always been a big believer in working for your income, and find the idea of scrounging off benefits or off others abhorrent. I also do most of the cooking, the gardening, and half the childcare duties when i'm at home. I was under the impression that my partner was doing the cleaning while I was out, but have since found that her mum has been doing that.

My partner comes from a family where a number of her family live off benefits. Some with good reason (e.g. disability) but others because they're lazy and workshy. My partner herself has, in fairness, worked since completing college qualifications 12 years ago.

She's been offered a job starting in September as a dinner lady at the local school - 2 hours a day, 3 days a week. Her mum has offered to have DD for those hours as childcare locally is ridiculously expensive.

All fair enough so far, but my partner now repeatedly assures me thats all she's doing. Even once we get our hours of free childcare once DD is 3. Even once DD starts school - she might go up to 5 days but doesnt want to be working more than 2 hours a day. That's her plan for life now apparently - work 2 hours a day, and relax watching TV the rest of the time. The head at the school has already all but offered her an LSA role during school hours once she's ready for it as she's already more than qualified for the role.

I dont think i'm being unreasonable to be somewhat miffed that i'm working 48 hours a week, working my backside off, coming home and doing most of the chores at home, while she sits and watches TV, and that she expects this to continue for life. At the moment she at least has DD to look after during the day, but once DD is in childcare or school there is no reason for her not to be working.

I dont want to leave her - primarily because I dont want to be paying child maintenance and have relatively little control of the upbringing of our child!

Any suggestions welcomed. At the moment, the only thing i can think of is once she stops getting maternity pay to buy stuff for our daughter myself (which i'd never bregrudge) and to refuse to give any money to my partner so she has to earn it herself.

It sounds like you feel real contempt for her, in which case you are probably best advised to divorce.

Has she any idea what kind of mysogynistic man she is with? And do you REALLY know how much hard work it is looking after a small baby 24/7? I think perhaps you should just leave now and cut your losses to be honest 🙄🤦‍♀️

Has she actually said that about watching TV? Or is that bullshit?

you sound contemptuous of both your partner and her family and you're suggesting financial abuse as means of going forward.

The main reason you give for not separating is avoiding child maintenance and you say you have little involvement in bringing up your child. You're a delightful piece of work!

Are you interested in your partner or child at all? Have you discussed with her, her reasons for a reluctancy to return to work? Can you reduce your hours so you're more involved in your child's upbringing and have more time together as a family?

Is there anything you actively like or appreciate about her or is your relationship based on competitive working hours?

Firstly - your baby is only 6 months old! It’s YEARS before they’ll go to school so I’m not sure why you’re so wound up about this when it’s so far away in the future.

Secondly: I dont want to leave her - primarily because I dont want to be paying child maintenance That’s a really shitty reason to stay eith someone if it’s the only reason you’re still together. If you’re not happy, and she’s not happy, this shouldn’t be the only thing keeping you together!

Just leave now.

You only want to stay so you dont have to pay legally what’s due in maintenance.

Where’s the love?

Let her be free to be happy and meet some one that loves her

Wow I can’t believe what ive just read! You are nasty!

Also I will add - Dh owns a business, he is easily there 55 hours a week. Im a stay at home mum with two kids in private school.

Dh and I both like this situation, if the kids are sick or have school plays, or I need to be at the school - I’m free to do it. I’m free for the entire school holidays.

And shock horror when dh gets home he pitches in too

Is the only reason you don't want to leave the mother of your baby that you don't want to pay maintenance and have little control?
Also has she said she will just watch TV all day. That's not what all stay at home mums do you know...

So your baby is 6 months old and you’re resenting your wife watching a bit of tv during the day? She’s probably exhausted!

Wow! Probably not the best forum to ask this, as a man you are automatically the devil!
There was a similar post a while ago that was the other way round and the man was called out for not getting off his lazy arse.
I agree with what you say about benefits, they should be there when needed (illness, disability etc) but not for people to just choose to live on. Also why wouldn't your DDs mum want better for her, setting a good example?
Childcare/working/housework should be a joint decision/discussion.

It's probably worth remembering that the 48 hours you work, she also works; as a full time nanny/housekeeper! And also that she does this (probably) on very little sleep. Your baby is very little, her views on what to do as the baby grows up will likely change before school starts. Like pps I think it sounds like you resent her and look down on her family. If that's the case you need to work though it, both in your own mind and in conversation with her.

Your working hours mean that’s 50 hours a week where she’s caring for a six month old by herself. She’s no doubt exhausted. Right now she may not be able to imagine working longer hours, and we are talking years away.

How do you know what she does all day if you are working full time and presumably out of the house? Looking after a small baby is hard work and she’s probably knackered. She’s given you a beautiful, healthy child and it’s had no impact on your career whatsoever. Yet you begrudge her watching a bit of TV, not cleaning enough and not paying her own way 6 months postpartum!

Maybe she can’t face the thought of going back to work? Maybe she can’t think more than a few days ahead at a time because her brain is boggled from lack of sleep? Yet you call her lazy and propose to start financially abusing her to force her into compliance.

I don’t even know where to start with your attitude. It’s appalling.

I agree she should work more when she can but do factor in childcare costs when your child is at school too. Working during the school day means you won't need to pay for breakfast or after school club, so although she may not earn much it could still be saving you money. Equally a term-time job saves a lot of money and hassle in the school holidays too - had you considered that? Also it is nice if a parent can do drop offs and pick ups. I work FT but plan to go PT once my DC starts school -DH and I have discussed it and think it's important to get to know the school, teacher and other parents (plus be available on some days to go in and help/watch assemblies etc) so although it seems odd to drop my hours as DC starts school, to us it makes sense. Finally, if your wife had a FT job, you would have to alternate days off when your child is sick. At least if she works only a couple of hours it will be easier to find ad hoc childcare on those days and you probably won't be affected. If you do want your wife to work then you will have to factor in childcare to your day to day plans which you probably don't have to at the moment e.g. you won't be able to stay late if you need to pick up DC. I'm not sure your wife's motivation is necessarily laziness- I think there are a lot of financial factors you haven't considered. If you have factored all of this in then I apologise - it's just sometimes the working parent doesn't realise how much money is saved and how much time is freed up by always having someone at home with the kids. Also, whatever happens, you absolutely should not withold money to "force" your wife to work. That is financial abuse.

You just aren't compatible.
My ex husband was lazy and unambitious and did absolutely nothing in the garden or the house ever.
After 15 years of this and having to work longer and longer hours to support him I lost all respect for him. He would have been content to sit about doing what he wanted while I paid all the bills.
I found his as dull as F by the end, no ambition, no interest in reading or bettering himself in any way, no particular talents.
Before him I brought up my son alone working full time for years and managing to buy my own home etc.
In the end he had to go, I just didn't have time for a waster like that who was content to live off me.
He's found a woman now who is happy to live like that and they live in a mess together doing nothing with their lives.
It's a bit harder for you though as you have a child together so I don't know what the solution is.
I am of the opinion that you can't make people change, they are what they are and you have a choice, either put up with it or leave.
I don't think it's that hard looking after a small child, I did it on my own and if your partner does half of everything it's so much easier.
I have a very clever close relative, not saying who as outing.
Has 1st class degree, is intelligent and could have done anything with their life. Chooses to do nothing and hasn't worked for 20 years.
I can't understand it.

You sound like my daughters father, who is also a misogynist, and a judgmental person in general.

She should be bloody leaving you

I agree with what you say about benefits, they should be there when needed (illness, disability etc) but not for people to just choose to live on.

That's all irrelevant though isn't it, she won't be claiming benefits.

She’s looking after a baby full time. Cut her some slack. She must be knackered.

Does she actually want your child to go into childcare? Lots of kids don’t if there is a parent at home, even when 30 free hours kicks in at 3yrs. Have you even checked that you qualify for 30 free hours? It is means tested.

I agree that it’s unreasonable not to work once a child is in childcare or at school. However, I think it’s unreasonable to expect both parents to work full time as having a child is hard work, regardless of how old they are. Also, someone needs to be available for school drop offs and pick ups unless you use wraparound care.

Between you, you need to agree what is in the best interests of your child.

You should leave. Life is too short to spend with someone you hold in utter contempt. No reason why you shouldn’t get 50:50 residency saying that you apparently already do a million percent of the care work.

Lol at “scrounging of others is abhorrent” and “I’m getting my mil do childcare for free so I don’t have to pay for it”

I hope she leaves you.

It's your child to support as well.

if your baby is only 6 months old then your partner is still in the thick of it, and her thoughts may change as your baby gets older. It’s very common for the out-of-home working partner to shoulder the housework while the baby is young as so much time is spent on childcare and it is totally exhausting. My husband used to work very long hours and still came home and did the chores that I hadn’t managed to get through. Being at home with a small child is not much fun and there is not much free time or energy for chores. That said, it must be pretty annoying not seeing an end in sight. Can you have a conversation about shifting some chores from your to her shoulders once your child is in childcare, if she is planning to not go more fully back into paid work.
The early years can be very hard. I hope you manage to come to an agreement. I certainly wouldn’t hassle her about it too much for now though.

You really are a piece of work. You obviously don't care about her one bit.

At the moment, the only thing i can think of is once she stops getting maternity pay to buy stuff for our daughter myself say what?

This is a wind up, surely?!