Vegetable self defence.

[Mysterian]

If you had to use a vegetable in a self defence situation what would you choose?

I think I'd go for a nice long sweet potato. Easy to hold and with a solid bit of weight to it. And nice to eat after you've used it.

Butternut squash, you could really wallop someone with one of those

Hilarious. I think you have it, sweet potato is probably the one.
If I had the choice between a fruit or a vegetable I'd go for a pineapple.

Cucumber for me. Good for slapping and easy to insert up rectum if neccessary

I'd go with a potato in a sock, I think.

A friend suggested a pumpkin. I thought there would be problems weilding it in combat. Fine if you're sneaking up to somebody while they're sleeping for a squashing, but no good for the cut and thrust needed against, say, a carrot.

If I found myself in the need to defend myself and if fortunate to have a pomegranate (I know, not a vegetable but close) in reach, that's what I'd go for. Hard bastards your pomegranate. Jab them in the eye with the sharp nobbly bit followed up with a couple of clouts on the nose. Have it !

Depends on what kind of damage you want to do. I would go all out and throw a bit of red chilli powder into the eyes.

I once threw a handful of mushrooms at dd because she annoyed me while I was preparing dinner, and they're not effective at all. I also had courgettes to hand, I'll probably use them next time. For uses other than offspring being annoying, I'd probably lob a swede in the style of a fast bowler.

Khol rabi. You could hold onto the sprouting bits and smack someone with the bulbous end.

Either a butternut squash as they're pretty solid or a durian as the smell alone would keep most people away. Would obviously arm myself with a nosepeg first!

Carrot or parsnip. Nice pointy end.

Pineapple. Spikey from any direction and a decent handle. Not a vegetable though. Am I still allowed it?

No fruit. Things that are clearly vegetables despite continually insisting they are fruit, count as vegetables. (I'm looking at you tomatoes!)

I think a cassava , good handle and kind of akin to a cat o’ nine tails except harder “ tails “ , also a great source of carbohydrate once the offender has been duly defeated

Easy.
Fennel.
Used as a ninja star.
Obvs dual wield if possible to really fuck someone up.

Turnip... you'd easily kill someone with a bounce on the head

Maybe this isn't the thread we want, but I think we all recognise instantly that it's the thread we need.

So far I have simply taken notes; hand held missiles, useful, usually we have them in numbers so there would be a few chances. Also you can keep your distance.

I also think it would be a good idea from now on to pack a fresh chilli in my pocket. If I'm ever in trouble I could pierce it with my nails, rub my fingers all over and go to town on my assailant.

Ah we all know it's not the first time we've thought about it Duds

Ok so it's not a frequent thought like the 'I wonder how fast/well this would burn?' we also don't mention but we know.

Can we stretch to herbs? Just waving coriander at some people would have them running away screaming.

Could I chop an onion in the hopes it makes my enemy cry?

DropYourSword once my eyes started watering when I saw Mary Berry chop an onion on tv. I'm sure if you posted a photo of a chopped onion you'd be safe from me

No fruit. Hmmmmm. I think I've only just realised that in fact fruit is tougher than veg! I'm going to go with broccoli and use it as a club that can also tickle.

Can I steal and combine the ideas of PPs? I'd have a turnip in a sock, well, probably a pillowcase, for an effective cosh.

Artichoke or a stem of Brussels sprouts

Turnip in a sock eh?
Like it, very Ray Winston.

Are we having engineered veg then? Not splitting hairs just asking.