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Original poster

Does this count as cheating?

55 replies

Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 10:06

I’ll keep this short as I can. OH likes rumba dancing. No problem with that. Not my thing. So I don’t go. Then. Radar started pinging. And I found out that she has had a bit of a crush on some guy. He likes her too apparently. Common interests and all that. But she swears that’s all it is. Nothing has happened. They know the situation and the rules. So it’s a No go. They’ve had a couple of dances, as you do there. And she’s now trying to avoid him. Still goes, mind.
I’m getting myself in a mess over nothing apparently, she says. But I know she has been thinking about him a lot. We’ve reconciled (sort of) but I’m uneasy about the whole thing and it has made me question everything.
I don’t want to say don’t go anymore and be a controlling partner but if the situation was reversed I wouldn’t see that as unreasonable if it saved our marriage. Am I being overly dramatic? We all fancy people from time to time, right? We’re only human. But it’s acting upon it that counts. What to do?

OP posts:
porple · 27/02/2020 11:34

i do think she should stop going and maybe go to a different club

Original poster
Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 12:05

She could. Quite easily. But people tend to go to more than one. Like a circuit. So no guarantee he’s not there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 12:05

Unless I kneecap him. That might work.

OP posts:
WTF99 · 27/02/2020 13:47

That would certainly put a hitch in his ability to rumba Grin

I've been to a lot of these dance things, not rumba but similar. There's quite often non dancing partners around, though to be fair the venues I've been to have been lessons in pubs/clubs. There's bound to be one venue on the circuit that you could both go to where it wouldn't be an issue if you're not dancing.

If not, I guess you have to rely on talking to her about it. I think its very tough for non dancing partners in this kind of situation. Having a presence there would really be your best strategy as the dancing can still happen but it will definitely put a dampener on their feeling of intimacy. I do understand how that might feel difficult for you though.

Happygirl79 · 27/02/2020 13:50

Trust her if you feel your marriage is good
Doubt her if it isn't

WTF99 · 27/02/2020 13:50

And fyi...men tend to be in short supply at these things so if you were to give it a go and strut your stuff with the women in the group it might redress the balance a bit. I can almost guarantee that you would be a welcome.

Be brave....you might enjoy it!

QforCucumber · 27/02/2020 13:52

you've been asked a number of times how you found out but seem to have avoided answering? Is there a reason for that? Was she texting a friend just saying he was fit and you snooped?

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 27/02/2020 13:53

If you’re secure in your relationship you have no need to worry. Is ur DP doing it as a bit of a joke?

I used to have a bit of this at a class I went to - a bit of a frisson between myself and a guy who went - and I must admit I used to wind dh up a bit about it. I didn’t fancy the guy, it was more that we were a bit flirty and he was a muscly, good looking type.
But I never, ever would’ve taken it any further, it became a bit of a joke between dh and I. We still see him around occasionally and dh says “there’s your lover-man!”

Only you can decide if it’s something you need to be worried about.

Original poster
Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 13:57

I’m not sure I’ve got any ‘stuff’. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 13:59

Of course, we have joked in past about her going out dressed up to the nines and dancing with other blokes because I always trusted her. I’m not laughing now though.

OP posts:
JollyGiraffe12 · 27/02/2020 14:00

It just sounds like dancing to me? If she’s already addressed it and been honest with you I don’t think you have anything to worry about really but I understand why you might feel uneasy.

WTF99 · 27/02/2020 14:01

I'm sure you have. Some of the best dances ive had have been with 'blokes'.....plumber, builder, ex-army, ex- boxer....all great dancers and not a trace of fake tan in sight!

Original poster
Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 14:02

Christ knows. If I end up wearing satin and having to clutch a pair of maracas in order to save my marriage, I won’t be happy.

OP posts:
CorianderLord · 27/02/2020 14:06

It's difficult, it's not cheating if that's all that's happened but it's normal that you would feel concerned by the crush. I would try and find a different rumba class if I was her. Though if it was the only class in your locality I'd not ask her to give it up and just have to trust in my partner.

3rdNamechange · 27/02/2020 14:23

Bit worried by the 'I don't want to tell her not to go anymore ' comment. You can't TELL her not to go.

Original poster
Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 14:24

Alright. ‘Ask’. FFS

OP posts:
Original poster
Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 14:25

Read the entire thread and you will see that I’m not trying to be controlling about any of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 14:35

And if you are going to quote people, quote them accurately. I didn’t use the word ‘tell’.

OP posts:
WTF99 · 27/02/2020 14:52

Grigio i think youre being very reasonable and completely get why you would be feeling uneasy. Dancing is intrinsically flirtatious and she's told you that she and this guy have a mutual connection. It's easy to say 'trust her'.....not so easy to do. I know people who have had their head turned in this situation. It can be very seductive.
Sorry, I'm probably not helping.
I think.you should find a way to go along with her. Other than that, have a discussion and ask her how she would feel if the situation was reversed and that she needs to be mindful of your feelings. That doesnt mean she has to stop, but I know that that you can dance so that it's clear that you're interested in someone, and you can dance and also make it clear that you're not. If it was my OH I'd want them to be doing the latter.

Original poster
Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 14:56

You are the most sensible voice in here. And clearly know about dancing and the people that do it. I did raise the ‘if the (dancing) shoe was on the other foot’ argument. I think she agreed. We’ll see. All is not lost. Maybe just mislaid at this stage.

OP posts:
WTF99 · 27/02/2020 15:10

Thanks Grin....and yes, I do.
You sound like a nice chap and have made me smile. Believe me there are some real sleazeballs at these things as well as the nice guys. Sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference in the early stages as one of my friends found out to her cost.
I'm sure all is not lost. Try not to be sulky about it with her...hard I know when you're feeling a bit insecure. Make sure you and she have some fun together and that she is not just getting this at dance.
Good luck!

Original poster
Grigio3000 · 27/02/2020 15:15

Thank you. I think that might be the key.

OP posts:
LJenn · 12/03/2020 07:33

Did the GF give up the dancing classes OP?

1forAll74 · 25/03/2020 04:24

I like Latin American dancing, and love the rumba, it has to be done quite sexily really,to do it well. And all dancing keeps you fit.

It is quite easy,to get a little attached to a dance partner,by the very essence of the dancing and the music, and the dance is better for a good connection. I wouldn't worry too much about your issues, It is good to dance !

MiddleAgedBlokeHere · 28/03/2020 20:56

Maybe you could drive her to the venue and pick her up afterwards, peck on the cheek, "have a nice time", etc, in public. Preferably in view of the dancing chap.

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