Should I just give up and live without sex?

[Idontknowanymor]

Hi all,
This might seem a bit long winded but I’m looking for advice and want to give as much info as possible.
I’ve been married now for 8yrs, together 11yrs, and Don’t know if it’s coming to a point where we can’t go on together any more.
When we first started going out, we had sex pretty much every night we saw each other, this continued when we moved in together. I won’t say it was the most adventurous or daring, but I loved her and I loved having sex with her. Things changed pretty much from the first time I said I was tired one night, and has now dwindled to once a month if I’m lucky. Over the yrs I’ve done some pretty stupid stuff (useless with finances) and my wife has always bailed me out. This leads to months long periods with no sex, then we’ll get back to once a week (which is more than fine for me these days) and then it’ll start to dwindle again.
The latest incident I caused was February, we had no physical contact until start of may, and now we’re back to nothing. I understand her when she says she’s tired, I am too (2 young kids, hectic jobs) but when all efforts are rejected (sex, date nights, compliments, helping more with housework, etc) I can feel quite hurt and be moody. This does nothing but make things worse. It doesn’t help that I suffer from ed due to medical condition, and am concerned that while it’s treatable now, it may be more of an issue in the future, hence why I want to make sure our sex life is healthy while we’re still young(ish).
We went to couples counselling, and both stated at the time of the course ending (mid may) that we both felt sex was improving, but as soon as we’ve finished it’s become non existent again.
I feel horrible if I try to initiate anything and wife’s response is “ok hurry up and get on with it”, (little or no foreplay/affection) and when I put a stop to it this turns into another fight.
She previously blurted out once when I was giving her oral sex (too much info?) that she didn’t like oral sex and that she didn’t want to do it anymore (giving or receiving) and since then sex has purely been in one of two positions. I feel that our sex life is dictated on her terms and that if I were to show no signs of frustration (too hard for me) that she would quite happily live without.
I’ve tried talking to her about sex on countless occasions, but not once has it resolved anything, or had any outcome other than a blazing row.
I don’t think I’m being too unreasonable, I love her dearly, and want to make love to her, but when, or should, I admit defeat and accept that we are never going to be on the same page when it comes to our sex life?
Sorry for the essay, but any opinions or advice is appreciated

What was the 'incident' in February?

She may need to feel happy I’m the relationship to enjoy the intimacy of sex. If you keep doing “stupid things” with family money that may be hard.

Could you try to be less hopeless? I cadge tolerate my husband touching me when I am cross with him. He is also finacially hopeless and each time he screws up or breaks a promise it takes just a little bit longer to forgive him. To be fair he is improving but if he continued to be the way he is for another ten or so years I would probably stop sleeping with him altogether.

I had run up some debt through my business and was struggling to deal with it, she bailed me out.

I think she doesn't fancy you much as a result of the repeated "stupid things".

Nobody wants to shag someone they always have to bail out, and nobody wants to shag someone moody.

She knows that you have an agenda when you’re complimenting her etc. It’s very uncomfortable. It’s the reason she’s reluctant to even hold your hand because she’s concerned about your expectations of sex.

People’s sexual preferences change. If she doesn’t want oral, she doesn’t want it. Of course it’s on her bloody terms. Or would you rather she go down on you when she doesn’t want to?

I suppose it depends how much you'd lose living life without her. How much you love her. More counselling if you see yourself always with her.

How would she react to you expressing no interest in her, telling her you've given looking to her for sex as there is clearly no point.?
Then subtly giving her the impression that you're developing interests in women in general.

She will continue to be in charge unless you take action.
Stop asking her for sex. Become distant. Let your eye settle longer than necessary on passing girls.

Go about your life happily giving her the impression that sex with her is no longer on your agenda.
If she cares about your relationship alarm bells will ring and she'll wonder why things have suddenly changed.

She knows how important sex is to you especially due to health issues. So she knows you want a sextet life for years to come.

Make sure she k ows that sex is still high, high on your list, just that you've given up pointing your interest in her direction.
She will stop taking you for granted.
Take back the power.

It's mumsnet mate, it'll all be your fault and no wonder she doesn't want to sleep with you yadda yadda.

You're asking for advice in the wrong place.

If you were a woman everyone would be suggesting your OH was having an affair & you should LTB.

It's not wrong to expect sex/intimacy in a relationship and if she's stopped giving you that you need to weigh up the options. If you want more, leave her. If not, get used to a sexless marriage.

Perhaps she's just exhausted! We are allowed to be!

Maybe she struggles to find you sexy if you're so stupid with money that she has to repeatedly bail you out?
She's too shattered for sex and you turn moody? Hardly sexy.
Sort your money issues out.
Are you both working? How much do you do round the house/with the kids?

Nip the issue in the bud together asap, through agreed actions...otherwise you're likely headed for divorce.
Unilateral halting of intimacy is bloody horrible. As is having sex with someone who you resent/bugs you.

I wish my ex had agreed to my taking a partner outside the marriage after 10 years sexless. He refused and here we are, divorcing and much older, with a sense of having lost something that can never be brought back.

Help with housework? Is it her job?

Well, it's clear from your OP that your wife's interest in you sexually seems to be directly linked to whether or not you are 'doing stupid stuff' - which you admit you've done on a few occasions over the last few years, the most recent time only a few months ago in Feb (and since then you both agreed your sex life was OK in May - ie last month...) I wonder if concentrating on 'not doing stupid stuff' might be a good place to start - or at least tell us a bit more about what you've done to make your wife trust you again after letting her down on a number of occassions....

I think your options are pretty obvious OP.

Either you will end up in a sexless marriage, or you won’t.
EIf you do t end up in a sexless marriage either you’ll strat to have sex again, unlikely considering, or you’ll leave her, or she’ll dump you.

Personally, I couldn’t have sex with an incompetent partner who dragged me into financial ruin, and expected me to bail him out, again and again and again.

You need to sort yourself out mate, grow up, talk with your wife, make some decisions, and act on them.

@StormCloakNord, you’re a bit of a charmer aren’t you?

Did you mean to be so rude?

You went to a lot of trouble to explain and ask for opinions.
I'm surprised and disappointed at the lack of replies.
stormcloaknord seems to be justified in being cynical about this site.

If she is constantly having to mother you by bailing you out then she probably probably feels frustrated, exasperated and let down by you. Not many women would find that a turn on.

Maybe if you acted like an adult, owned your issues, took responsibility for them and acted more like an equal partner then she would see you as one and it might help re-balance the relationship.

Soooo

You’ve repeatedly squandered away significant sums of money forcing your wife to bail you out.

You ‘help’ around the house only when you want sex, because housework/childcare is not part of family life?

She doesn’t like certain sexual acts and you resent her for this.

You can be too tired for sex but you find her saying she’s too tired a rejection?

To sum up, shes spending money she has earned bowling you out. Repeatedly. You don’t pitch in around the house unless you want sex, you expect sexual acts she doesn’t like. You can be too tired for sex but get pissy at her when she is.

God knows why she’s not jumping you every night you sound such a catch....

Just to clear this up, i’ll confess to the money problems, I’ve always been useless with finances, if it’s in my pocket I’ll spend it. Not however, before I’ve handed over my share towards the household after every job.
I don’t help around the house in the hope of getting sex. In fact, id say I do more than my fair share around the house regularly. I’m the one who gets the kids up, sorted and off to school/nursery, I do the vast majority of the cooking, and the washing up every day. I do the laundry at least 80% of the time. I tidy/hoover/clean/fix simply because it’s my home and it needs done. Not to gain anything. Oh, and I work 50+ hrs a week.

I never said it’s ok for me to be tired, I said it once and then things changed. I am tired. So is my wife most of the time. But when that’s the reason week in week out for not wanting to have sex with me, I can’t help but get pissed about it.
The sexual acts that she doesn’t like? Not meant the way you read it. I was under the impression that most people engaged in all sorts of foreplay before the main act, and up until that occasion I had always enjoyed giving as well as receiving. To be told that it was to become a no go area, both giving and receiving, was, to me anyway, a bit of a downer. I thoroughly enjoyed spending time pleasuring my wife, with no expectation of anything in return. Now, when we ever do have sex, she makes it clear she wants it over and done with. I’m sure your response now will be that I must be rubbish in bed, but that’s ok, we’re all entitled to our own opinions.

It is pretty much all here. Seriously:

www.amazon.co.uk/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&keywords=married+man+sex+life+primer&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1528134823&sr=1-1

or here.

www.amazon.co.uk/Mindful-Attraction-Plan-Practical-Creating/dp/149045151X/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?psc=1&_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforum-21&refRID=KAD2YYG8TEVP6T8PXNJ3

Sorry the cover of the first recommendation may be considered not quite the done thing for this website.

Also, you could go to Reddit.com. They have some excellent sub reddits that will help, but don't go to the one called 'dead bedrooms'.

Some of the subreddits take things very seriously and can be completely brutal. It can take some getting used to.

@GinnyWreckin yes I did mean to be rude.

The double standard on mumsnet sometimes is nothing short of disgusting.

A woman asks for help and gets inundated with support/suggestions on how to go about leaving the husband who won't give her sex, regardless of their own shortcomings.

A man comes on, admits he has shortcomings and that's all the men hating women on here focus on. No wonder she doesn't want sex if he's a bit shit with money eh???

Madness.

Now, when we ever do have sex, she makes it clear she wants it over and done with. I’m sure your response now will be that I must be rubbish in bed, but that’s ok, we’re all entitled to our own opinions.

So are you saying that you know she doesn't want to have sex with you, yet you still go ahead and have sex with her?

No, not at all, i’ll give up at that point and then make do with the argument that follows.

So it probably does get on her nerves the whole money situation.
My husband is ridiculously crap when it comes to money, after 8 years we've finally gotten to a point where I don't dread the post because yet another bill or debt has popped up, but it's taken a lot of work.
Honestly, I think you could possibly do with some help from someone other than your wife when it comes to your spending habits, it really will be stressing her out and making her sick with worry. That's a bit of a passion killer.
Our sex life suffered in times of money worries, so I can understand it from that point of view.
There are few things less attractive than someone who puts me in debt.

On a different note is it possible that she has some sort of hormonal imbalance which is causing her libido to wane? Have you spoken to her about seeing a doctor? Depression could also be another cause of a lack of interest in sex.

Finally it could just be a case that she just doesn't fancy you all that much anymore, for one reason or another. Or maybe she just feels that maybe she's not attractive anymore?

It's very difficult to say hearing only one side of the story, maybe you could try talking to her and asking what's going on with you sex life up front, you never know she may open up.

I hope you resolve this, a sexless marriage is horrible thing to be a part of.

You doesn't mention what type of ED you suffer from but has it resulted in a drastic change of appearance? Might she just find you unattractive now ? Bit of a simplistic suggestion but who knows.