Should I just give up and live without sex?

[Idontknowanymor]

Hi all,
This might seem a bit long winded but I’m looking for advice and want to give as much info as possible.
I’ve been married now for 8yrs, together 11yrs, and Don’t know if it’s coming to a point where we can’t go on together any more.
When we first started going out, we had sex pretty much every night we saw each other, this continued when we moved in together. I won’t say it was the most adventurous or daring, but I loved her and I loved having sex with her. Things changed pretty much from the first time I said I was tired one night, and has now dwindled to once a month if I’m lucky. Over the yrs I’ve done some pretty stupid stuff (useless with finances) and my wife has always bailed me out. This leads to months long periods with no sex, then we’ll get back to once a week (which is more than fine for me these days) and then it’ll start to dwindle again.
The latest incident I caused was February, we had no physical contact until start of may, and now we’re back to nothing. I understand her when she says she’s tired, I am too (2 young kids, hectic jobs) but when all efforts are rejected (sex, date nights, compliments, helping more with housework, etc) I can feel quite hurt and be moody. This does nothing but make things worse. It doesn’t help that I suffer from ed due to medical condition, and am concerned that while it’s treatable now, it may be more of an issue in the future, hence why I want to make sure our sex life is healthy while we’re still young(ish).
We went to couples counselling, and both stated at the time of the course ending (mid may) that we both felt sex was improving, but as soon as we’ve finished it’s become non existent again.
I feel horrible if I try to initiate anything and wife’s response is “ok hurry up and get on with it”, (little or no foreplay/affection) and when I put a stop to it this turns into another fight.
She previously blurted out once when I was giving her oral sex (too much info?) that she didn’t like oral sex and that she didn’t want to do it anymore (giving or receiving) and since then sex has purely been in one of two positions. I feel that our sex life is dictated on her terms and that if I were to show no signs of frustration (too hard for me) that she would quite happily live without.
I’ve tried talking to her about sex on countless occasions, but not once has it resolved anything, or had any outcome other than a blazing row.
I don’t think I’m being too unreasonable, I love her dearly, and want to make love to her, but when, or should, I admit defeat and accept that we are never going to be on the same page when it comes to our sex life?
Sorry for the essay, but any opinions or advice is appreciated

A woman has to respect her dp in order to want him physically. Maybe she just doesn't have much respect after all these financial problems?

Some of these responses seem a bit unfair.

Is your wife communicating what the problem is? Is it possible that she's taken your ED personally and worries you don't find HER attractive any more?

It sounds like something is going on if she's suddenly changing the goalposts (deciding no more oral) and it's totally reasonable for you to be put out by that. I wouldn't be happy after 10 years to be told that if it wasn't agreed at the start. For a lot of people it's an important part of sex.

I wouldn't be happy to suddenly be sexless full stop but you need to find out why, and yes I think it is possible that she might be having an affair or thinking about another man.

Either way you need to have a proper talk at a neural time (not post rejection or in bed). What did she say during counseling?

I took his ED to mean erectile dysfunction not eating disorder but I might be wrong.

First of all this is not unusual and is one reason in some cultures men have many women and women just one man - it's known as the sex deficit. However loads of couples do continue to have sex and in a good few marriages women want more sex than the man, sadly not your case. Does she masturbate or is just utterly unsexual and never aroused?

Why not have another go at telling her how badly it makes you feel and that you think once a week is fair and then go for once a week or ask her if she minds if you get it elsewhere. I saw this week's news that fewer and fewer women are initating divorce and more and more tolerating adultery (not least because so many fewer actually marry in the first place rather than living together so those that do marry are more in it for the long haul i suppose)

There was that old tale that put a bead in a jar for how much sex you have in the first year and then in a second jar for the rest of your marriage and the beads will be the same number in each jar.

I don't think "give me sex once a week or I'll shag someone else" is really going to help their marriage!

I meant more that they agree that once a week is fair. It seems to be seem what emerged from their earlier couple's counselling. I agree the bigger problem is that she doesn't want it or the other way round the problem is that he wants it. Neither is right or wrong. It is just trying to find a compromise that is hard particularly if one side wants it every day and the other would be happy to give it up for life.

I dont think youre going to get your wife to fancy you again after this point. It sounds like the passion has gone

Xenia

took his ED to mean erectile dysfunction not eating disorder but I might be wrong

Agh, I didn’t think of that. I think you might be right.

There are a few things going on here.

Firstly, it’s not fair for one partner to unilaterally withdraw sex or impose celibacy on the other and expect everything to be okay.

There are a few options:

Leave the relationship.
See if she will have more couples counselling with you.
Explore the possibility of an open relationship.
Put up with things as they are.

Secondly, don’t underestimate the damage you financial uselessness has done to her attraction to you. You have probably been the cause of a lot of frustration, exasperation, anger, worry and fear for her. Hardly sexy stuff. It sounds like she just doesn’t fancy you. Which obviously isn’t great news for your relationship. Does she say she loves you?

You may have to consider the possibility that the relationship isn’t salvageable.

Hows the rest of the relationship? Do you laugh together? Have anything in common? Enjoy each others company otherwise? I couldnt stay in a relationship where sex is something someone does out of duty and just wants it over with.

I think you should take what you get and be grateful lol!

Agree that a (one-sided) sexless marriage is not a good thing - one partner shouldn't unilaterally decide that sex is not happening and not expect consequences.

What do to? Agree that your financial history isn't helping - stress and feeling you are baling someone out when they aren't 14 doesn't make you think happy sexy thoughts. Perhaps get some help in this area - and show her that you take it seriously and are trying! Just saying "but i always have been" doesn't cut it - in the early years you can overlook an irritation, after 7 years it has gone from an irritation to a major bloody stumbling block if it just keeps happening!

Perhaps try emotional closeness in other ways? If she is tired, with young kids she might also feel down on herself - just not feel sexy in herself. Perhaps things as simple as holding her hand on a walk, quick kiss "just because" - and affection very clearly WITHOUT the expectation of sex later - might make her feel better in herself and consequently more like having sex again?

Otherwise - dunno! More counselling? Otherwise this isn't going to work for you...

LewisSTV. I can see how that show might be good for tv ratings but I struggle to see how it would be a good idea in any other way. The OP has kids ..... how would you feel if your parents went on tv to discuss their sex lives 🤢🤢🤢

How much debt are we talking, over the years and most recently?

Stop making the excuse that you’re “shit with money” - get a grip of your financial problems. If you’re poor with money in managing your own business, sell it or wind it down and get a job as an employee!

That said, if your wife decided not to end the relationship due to your debts, which she paid, it seems unfair to stay but withhold sex.

Your on the right track trying to get the intimacy back, try a few date nights, make her feel special again, compliment her simple things like that will help you, it may feel one sided but at some point she will realise that you care and that your trying your best. Better money management will help you have you thought of debt management plans?...

If she actually wants to end the relationship, or no longer finds you sexually attractive, but for whatever reason doesn’t wish to address this it’d be better to find out.

It may improve later in life.

Come back in 12 years’ time and update us.

I am on the other side of this problem so I hope it will be useful to you op to get the other perspective. I am 40, happily married and have completely gone off sex. The thought of being touched makes me cringe, I feel knackered all the time, I hate my body and sex is actually quite painful since having kids literally damaged me down below. My mental state isn't great, I'm always worrying about the children, about money, work, my parents and most days it feels like it's taken all my effort just to get through the day.

I firmly believe that my mental state contributes to my lack of libido. It feels like too much of a gear change to go from the day to day stresses to feeling horny. Whenever I can tell dh is in the mood I feel a sense of dread and do all I can to avoid it. It feels like yet another demand. It's not a power trip as others have suggested so please please don't make this all about who is controlling who. It's not a battle.

I have let it go on for months and my dh basically told me he's had enough. He started making passive aggressive points - commenting on other women, having naked women on his phone screen saver and even sleeping in the other room. Please don't listen to other posters who have recommended you do these kind of things. I have just felt like I was being punished and felt hurt and under pressure. Talking is always better.

We have finally discussed things properly and I was heartbroken to hear how rejected I was making him feel. The only way to deal with this is compromise and so it looks like I will have to concede to sex at least once a week. Perhaps I will eventually enjoy it again and if may help me relax who knows, but I don't want to lose him. It has all been very hard though, emotionally. All the things I do for him and his family are not enough as an expression of love. The only thing that seems to matter is how often I open my legs and I will always feel depressed and resentful about that. Maybe your wife does a bit too.

I hope you find a way of resolving things with your wife. The first step is trying to find mutual understanding. She knows what you want so step back and give her the chance to tell you how she feels.

It's a tricky one as when problems in a relationship occur, it often happens that you don't actually want to have sex. Even if you want to want to!

As a way forward, I'd reassure her you're on top of the financial stuff and that you understand how hard that has been for her to have to deal with - then GET on top of it however you need to (get an accountant to help? Go on MSE? Take a certain amount of cash out and that's it for the week?). I'd also ask her what reassurance she needs that it is being dealt with (access to your accounts? honest updates from you? just time with no financial problems?).

I'd also maybe say to her at this point that you understand if the financial issues have now broken things irretrievably. Tell her you do want to stay together and will do whatever takes, not just for the kids but because you love her and value your marriage and future with her. But that if she feels a separation is best then you understand and won't stand in her way.

Assuming she wants to stay together, I'd say to her that you'd like to get back to a fulfilling marriage for both of you, whatever that takes (don't focus too much on the sex at this point). You could suggest taking sex off the table for a period of time (say 1-3 months) just to reconnect as people, put effort into each other as individuals - meals out, do some fun things together, a weekend away if childcare/finances allow. Try and get the affection and connection back first and then work on the sex.