If you thought your wife was having an affair

[northernjon]

what would you look out for?

aww i hope this isn't true.

i have never had an affair but i guess the more obvious signs would be looking at texts a lot but being allof as to who they are from, changing to a more styled way of dressing, her mood changes....tbh ui think there could be a thousand little things but it is probably different for all peoiple.

why do you suspect her?

I think, as mamazon said, its a change in behaviour generally. You know your wife better than anyone. What do you think is amiss?

I would say - generally speaking; being more secretive about some things, maybe lots of new underwear, smartening of appearance?

probably being aloof & distance
making mountains out of mole hills & picking fights
staying late after work

hope its not true

am 18 mths down the line from my H leaving - still with his mistress after I kicked him out

Change in behaviour is the key one, I think. And being secretive about communications like emauils and texts.

The signs are reasonably obvious for both sexes. As stated, changes in mood, dismissal, an inability to look your partner in the eye, no sex (or grudging sex), text messaging, and a gleam in the eye that is not ordinarily there.

Poor thing, jon. I hope it isn't true.

jon. You have to say more.

buying new underwear
a lot oof grooming - hair cuts legs waxed etc

lots of these things are open to much wider interpretation. IMO. Let's hear it from the boy.

distant seeming - not really 'with it'

If she did not come home until six in the morning I'd be suspicious!

happeir than usual but not being there with you iykwim. Wearing make up , loosing loads of weight and grooming more. Acting really sexy and an increased sex drive with you. Don't know why everyone thinks sex in the relationship goes down the pan when other half is having an affair. Not always the case

Some of the above, though not enough for me not to feel paranoid - we are not very close, and we haven't been for a long time. I know that she settled for me, rather than be with the person she really loved, and I thought that we would be ok with that.

The sex thing is kind of a part of it - it's been a very long time, as she has made it clear she does not really find me attractive, and I have tried to accept that as well, but I think I know, deep down, that she will find someone else if she has not already.

I do not think she would leave, whatever she was doing, so at least it is only a fling, if it is anything at all.

jon have you thought about going to Relate ?
I can recomend them

hope this isn't true for you

someone I know very well (female) had an affair last year. main things that happened:

• she lost loads of weight
• started to but new clothes, wear more makeup etc
• late home from work often
• more work 'conferences' and work 'leaving do's' etc
• more general nights out with the 'girls'...
• never left her phone unattended
• was always texting (lot more than usual)
• showering a lot more
• sex drive increased too...

I think there are deeper issues for you two here and you need to start having a good talk to her, even suggest counselling, and try to do what you can to make the relationship everything you both want/need.

You sound like you are expecting this and in some way accepting it

She is your wife. She made promises to you of her own free will. I hope she honors those and deals with whatever your issues are in the right way.

Hope you're ok.

new underwear

If i were a man i would look for signs of shaving of the legs to the point that they are NEVER prickly, everything you do is 'samey' and boring, txts (although a clever woman would delete every txt). Any help?

You sound like you have very low self esteem jon.

Are you sure that your suspicions or concerns arent borne out of that?

How do you know she doesnt find you attractive?

is this gal EVER wrong?

jon. There is soo much to say here, but you haven't said exactly what it is that is giving you fears that she IS conducting herself in the way you fear.

She'll be inseperable from her phone & she'll be happy even though she's not happy with your relationship!

I guess you haven't confronted her with your fears?...When would she have time for an affair, does she work?

A bounce in her step
Increased happiness with everything but you
Guarding mobile phone
Secret smile
Not enjoying weekends (if it is a work thing)

Jon - why do you think she settled for you instead of the man she really loved? Agree with VVVQV - you sound as if you don't expect more and have accepted her 'affair'. Have you spoken to her about it?

She works part time - I haven't really thought about opportunity, only motive.

She asked me to get something from her bag this weekend, and there were condoms in there - we haven't made love in years.

She has not been funny about her phone though she is making more effort with her appearince.

Ask her. DON'T spend any more time twisting your gut.

What everyone else said, really. It seems strange to me that she would ask you to get something from her bag knowing that the condoms were there. Do you think she wanted you to see them? Perhaps she wants to discuss the situation? Maybe this is a good time to approach the subject of counselling.

I agree ask her, it's worse to spend months wondering if she is or isn't!

Do you have children, how long have you been together?

Personally, if I was having an affair (which I'm not, I hasten to add), I'd lose weight, buy new clothes, have an added running and diet incentive, have more and better sex with dh, but be dissatisfied with the domesticated life we lead. It would also be blatantly obvious to him, as the only babysitter I have is dh, so he'd know exactly how long I was missing for, and he knows I only go out with my friends once a month or so.