How do you cool down an angry woman?

[Daddster]

My SAHM DW gets unreasonably angry when things go wrong (regardless of whose fault it is) and usually:

1. dissolves into a puddle of regrets and self-recrimination (if it's her fault),
2. use it as an excuse to exhume long-dead arguments (if it's my fault), and
3. shout, make a huge fuss and occasionally throw things (if it's nobody's fault or the fault of someone not immediately to hand).

Trying to calm her down is pointless. It just antagonises her and makes her even worse - the only way she calms down is when she burns herself out, by which time the damage is usually done (to us or inanimate household objects).

In the words of the old Commercial Union ad, I don't like to make a drama out of a crisis; I think it's a really bad example for the kids - I don't want them growing up with a short fuse. It also has a corrosive effect on our relationship, because she loses control every time we come across a problem (and with DKs, the problems are coming thick and fast).

Any solutions or suggestions how to approach this in a sensitive manner?

ask her "what can I do/say when you are absolutely fuming to stop and calm down a minute" tbh a huge hug ignoring the screaming and torrent of abuse spewing out from me does actually work.

Could be a scene from our house...

Talk to her about the way you communicate at a time when things are not going wrong. Make sure she feels (and is) listened to. Tell her that you know rows erupt, and you would like to know if there is anything you can do differently to stop things getting out of hand. Ask her in which areas of your life together she feels she has some control, and which feel out of control. Ask if she feels she has enough repsonsibility or too much responsibility. Ask if she feels envious of any aspects of your life - and how that might be addressed. Show that you are prepared to treat it as a shared issue of the relationship, that you can both help each other to address rather than 'how can you stop going loopy?'.

Don't forget romance, affection and intimacy - even in tiny amounts betwen the domestic tasks, work and children.

And then tell my DP how to do all this!!

give her a very large glass of wine

sorry, ih ave to ask, is that you, DH?

If she loses control every time you come across a problem then perhaps she would benefit from some counselling.

Is she a bit of a perfectionist by any chance? If so, then it might be difficult to get her to calm down, as things which go wrong which are quite trivial to most people, are major disasters to perfectionists.

Actually SMTB, you're spot-on. DW is a perfectionist - she gave up a really high-powered career to become a SAHM. Maybe that's part of it, because she tries so hard and with DKs, life is always a bit rough round the edges. Part of it might also be not enough QT together, thinking about it.

i think blu's advice is spot on. and naily's .

think that might be my dh! if it is well stop blimmin well annoying me!

what do mean by "long dead" anyway? if you had ever actually apologised... but oh no...

It's very hard transferring ideas of 'perfection' and 'achievement' from a work setting to home.
Being a mother has ongoing pleasures (amongst the frustrations etc) but achivements are much less definable and ongoing. You never finish a project with a sense of finale and back-patting. One achievement merges without occasion into the next demand, challenge or task.
Make sure you acknowledge the things she achives - and remind her what they are. It's frustrating, too - you can be a good bricklayer and get good results. You can be a good parent....and still get a tantrum hurled at you! Listen and empathise.

Is this thread attracting those women who think they can give a perspective on angry women from personal experience, by any chance?

And if it's you, DP...oh no, not you, I've never been a perfectionist!

I remember once getting unreasonably angry at work and when I thought about it, it was because the job was boring and going nowhere.I was bored, fed up, frustrated and depressed.

Perhaps she is not cut out to be a SAHM. It's not every mother's cup of tea.

I mentioned abou eing a perfectionist because I know I can be a bit like this at times . I am a self-confessed obsessive control freak about some things, and whenthey go wrong I just cannot hack it!

Oh, and if dh then says "never mind - it's not that important", he's missed the point - because to me it is.

Sounds a bit like me

Does your dw have much opportunity to get out of the house without children to just have fun with friends? For me the stress of constant responsibility and being constantly in the "caring for others" position can sometimes build up and unless I have some time just with friends and away from the kids I start to overeact and my poor old dh gets the brunt of it.

It often comes from the female habit of expecting those closest to us to be able to "sense" when we are overtired, stressed or angry and react to it. I suppose if I were prepared to spell things out to dh earlier and if dh could be a BIT MORE INTUITIVE then things would be a little bit easier for everyone. Don't know if this helps you at all Daddster, but it has been very cathartic for me !

I'm sure this is my dh...

Sometimes, I just need to be left alone and given some space. I was in a foul mood yesterday and dh constantly asking "what's wrong?" "is it something I've done?" "I wish you would talk to me" was just making it worse. Mind you, I probably would have got mad if he had ignored me. Sometimes you just can't win.

I agree that it's not a good example for the children though - I always feel terrible when I lose my rag in front of them - or dh and I have a row.

Just read the OP again...this has to be my dh...

Oh and a bit like you, DH likes to think he that he is always calm and in control about everything and can find a solution using a permanently calm (he says calm, I say patronising) tone of voice, but I have come to my own conclusion that he is actually a little bit passive-aggressive .

I don't know. Probably say sorry, I am unworthy worm and I don't deserve you, whatever is wrong is my fault, let me run you a lovely hot bath and open a bottle of wine.

Then, when she is calm she will apologise, feel guilty and love you unconditionally for a week or so.

Whatever you do DO NOT ATTEMPT to justify yourself until she is calm

HTH

I don't know. Probably say sorry, I am unworthy worm and I don't deserve you, whatever is wrong is my fault, let me run you a lovely hot bath and open a bottle of wine.

Then, when she is calm she will apologise, feel guilty and love you unconditionally for a week or so.

Whatever you do DO NOT ATTEMPT to justify yourself until she is calm

HTH

OrmIrian

"Whatever you do DO NOT ATTEMPT to justify yourself until she is calm "

I would alter this sentence slightly, I find that it works better if it says

"Whatever you do DO NOT ATTEMPT to justify yourself" FULL STOP.

it sounds like its my dh actually, well if it is just hug me and hold me even if i don't reciprocate or push you away and keep hugging me till i calm down then i'll be full of regrets and apologise and then need more hugs and if you can keep it up i'll be ok. i'm like this because i'm sad confused and miserable and angry inside although i don't know why and right now i need you to hold me like i hold dd1 when she behaves like this as i need to know i'm loved unconditionally because i really need you to be there for me just right now even though i'm the worst person in the world right now

Daddster - what what what are you doing??

Filling these slightly fusty, sleepy chambers with a bunch of latently violent females??!! Is nothing sacred?

Actions and consequences. Actions and consequences. Deary me.

Good point rantum

MrMariella - you're right mate. I was actually asking the Dads what kind of coping strategies they use. However these ladies have kindly bared their souls for us, so let's at least offer them a seat on the leather fauteuil and hand them a cigar and a brandy.

When it gets bad, I usually go all nautical - batten down the hatches, trim the sails, ride out the storm etc. When the argument's over, it's over - I hate re-hashing old arguments. I was going to say life's too short, but in fact it's my memory that's too short.

What's really disturbing is that so many of them think they're married to me. They can't all be right.