How do you cool down an angry woman?

[Daddster]

My SAHM DW gets unreasonably angry when things go wrong (regardless of whose fault it is) and usually:

1. dissolves into a puddle of regrets and self-recrimination (if it's her fault),
2. use it as an excuse to exhume long-dead arguments (if it's my fault), and
3. shout, make a huge fuss and occasionally throw things (if it's nobody's fault or the fault of someone not immediately to hand).

Trying to calm her down is pointless. It just antagonises her and makes her even worse - the only way she calms down is when she burns herself out, by which time the damage is usually done (to us or inanimate household objects).

In the words of the old Commercial Union ad, I don't like to make a drama out of a crisis; I think it's a really bad example for the kids - I don't want them growing up with a short fuse. It also has a corrosive effect on our relationship, because she loses control every time we come across a problem (and with DKs, the problems are coming thick and fast).

Any solutions or suggestions how to approach this in a sensitive manner?

Stand a long way away amd throw offering of chocolate, wine and flowers.

Works for me

I bared my soul because I'm not sure many dw's have dh's who have found a good way to calm the dw's down..........quite possibly because it's something just not discussed!

Have been thinking about this and the best advice I can offer is, if at all possible, take the children and go out for the day. I really am better left alone when I am in that frame of mind - and left alone long enough - I can have a cry, have a think, come to the conclusion that I am being unreasonable and actually my life is not so bad and I do love my dh and my kids...and have calmed down enough to feel rather sheepish and be pleasant by the time they get home.

Wine, flowers and chocolate might help as well.

lol

actually, I've started to find the 'weathering the storm' approach pisses me off even more now. Like I'm in a bad mood, I'm ranting and raving and you're sitting there twiddling your thumbs and waiting till I've finished? Not a bloody chance mate.

I agree with what everyone else has said (naturally ) especially that she may need more than SAHMdom to get her kicks (it just doesn't suit everyone to do it - it may not be that, but just to put the idea in your head so to speak).

I also don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to show the kids - my parents never rowed in front of us but boy, could I feel the tension. Sometimes I think it's better that they see a row and see it resolved (v key) so they see it CAN end iyswim. Showing emotions in front of your children helps teach them coping techniques I reckon.

But I agree, if it is happening all the time, perhaps it's time to book a babysitter, take her out and have a chat and see what's up.

LOL - No, no it's my DP I just know it is.

Look love - sorry about slammig down your keyboard so hard this morning 5 of the keys pinged off, they aren't ones you need anyway!

Best just to make sure you do everything that I might need you to do before I have to ask you to do it and it'll all be ok.

If the sink is overflowing with dirty dishes then chances are the machine is full of clean ones. Unload and reload.

If DD2 is crying it's because she ants milk / food / sleep / clean nappy - deal with it.

If your jeans aren't hanging up it mens they are in the wash and if wash bin is halfful - you know where the washing machine is.

And so on.

Still love you!

I would say that you need to go down one of 2 routes. The calm route, or the drastic one.

The calm route is to talk to her about it when she is not angry.

The drastic route is to demonstrate to her how ridiculously worked up she is by throwing a bucket of cold water on her in her rage.

I agree with you about not demonstrating that sort of overrreaction in front of the children. I myself tend to do so when things go wrong, and get annoyed at inanimate objects and my DH. It may give you heart to know that I have realised what I was doing and have been trying to turn this around. My DH has recently commented on it.

Does one of her parents also do this?

Suspect it's a fault in teh thread question...you DON'T cool down an angry woman.
She cools herself down, and decides for herself how justified she was in being angry.

OOOh, it sounds like me, sorry but she is perfectly normal.

My dh doesnt get it either, in fact I dont know why I go off like it.

Dh misses the trick of looking at me with a loving look and just cuddling me. Probably because he thinks I would reject him.

I think she needs a little tlc and even if she rejects you, try again.

Please dont tell her to calm down, I would floor you with my tongue. There is nothing more irritating than someone in complete control standing in front of you telling you to calm down.

Tea and sympathy please.

D'ya know I havent even given my dh this advice
I just get irrate because HE SHOULD ALREADY KNOW

Understanding, calmness and a cuddle usually work for me (and an apology if appropriate )

"Dh misses the trick of looking at me with a loving look and just cuddling me. Probably because he thinks I would reject him. "

A BIG stumbling block!!

Women often assume there is a common internal dialogue going on, when often there isn't. An angry, fearful woman rarely gets round to saying exactly what it is that is riling her so. Often, IME, for fear of conflagrating things.

Conflict is so often an excellent engine for good change. But we avoid it too much for fear of the possible consequences.

Yes, you don't say "Calm down dear" in Michael Winner voice.

Or "temper, temper!"

Or "ooooo-ooh!!"

Or "time of the month, is it?"

Or anything remotely like that...

Cadburys dairy milk! A winner for me every time!!

SPRAY@Michael Winner voice

my dh could have written the OP
in fact I 'm not entirely sure he didn't

maybe she needs anger managment?

I had a real tantrum last Friday night. Dh was trying to calm me by holding my arms & saying shush... all I wanted to do was rip his head off & shit down his neck!!

I finally walked away, locked myself in the bathroom & tried to calm down, but even that wasn't enough, he followed me, opened the bathroom door with a coin & tried to hold me again.... I walked away, hid behind the livingroom door & breathed deeply, then ran a bath & went to bed.

When will he learn to piss off & leave me to calm down myself.

I hate anyone near me when I am pissed off, especially a whimpering man who thinks the world revolves their every feckin comment

ooooooh..bad combination..

fireflyfairy2's experience sounds a bit like the first couple of times DW descended into one of her angry moments and I tried to soothe her.

I am not doing that again. Now I just back off and leave her to get it out of her system. If she wants comfort before then, she has to ask for it.

Lazyline - thinking about it, it might be parent-related but in a different way. My FIL is quite severe - quick to criticise and v. sparing with praise for DW (even now). He often starts sentences with "you know what you should have done?" or "you'd have been better doing x" and is such an old-school belittler of women that I occasionally have to tease him about it to lighten the atmosphere when I'm round my in-laws. Maybe when things go wrong or she can't cope solo, she fears (wrongly) that she might be proving him right.

Put your arm round her and walk through the house with her, nodding and rubbing her back.

Then shut her in the garden til she calms down.

my bf just used to throw me on the bed and bearhug me til i calmed down

or run me a bath and bring me a glass of wine

I typed a long post but basically I think you need counselling which will improve your communication skills and make you more able to cope during a "crisis" before the meltdown happens

Nothing drastic, but a few sessions dealing with crisis-time communications would give you some useful tools to avoid conflict like this IME

ROFL at this thread.